Introducing.... A New Baby Column

I've got some exciting news -- except it's not really news anymore, if you happened to read Thursday's newspaper.

I'm writing a twice-monthly column for ParentCentral.ca and The Toronto Star.

The column -- The Mother of All Baby Columns -- will cover all things baby: preconception, pregnancy, labour, birth, and baby's first year. I'll also be tackling other related issues from time to time: fertility, adoption, and surrogacy.

I'll be delving into policy, pouring through studies, and, most important of all, capturing the conversations that you and other parents or parents-to-be are having about starting or adding to a family.

This blog (The Mother of All Parenting Blogs) will be around for a little while longer -- at least long enough for me to archive all my posts! -- but, after that, it is going to be retired. The best way to reach me on an ongoing basis will be via Twitter (@themotherofall -- the account I use to talk about pregnancy and parenting).

But I won't be invisible around here. I'll be helping my editor Brandie Weikle to organize online chats and other stuff.

Stay tuned for details.

* * * * * * * *

You can read The Mother of All Baby Columns on my columnist page. All of my past columns are archived there, too. You can also catch up with me via my website at www.having-a-baby.com.

 

Middle School Meets YouTube - and It Ain't Pretty: Cyberbullying Goes Video

I just finished watching a series of videos that have left me feeling grateful that I'm heading into middle-age rather than heading into middle-school.

You know what? You couldn't pay me enough money to live through adolescence in the age of YouTube (.pdf) – not when it's this easy to upload a hate-filled rant slamming another teen -- in this latest high-profile case, a teen whose only crime was that she dared to diss teen celebrity Jason Bieber.

"I don't care if you hate Justin Bieber – I don't care," the video's creator, Hannah (MissVideo28), declares, staring intently into the camera. "But you don't need to post it on YouTube."

[Warning: Some of the language in this video may offend some viewers.]

 

 

A flood of angry responses to her initial video leads to a follow-up video, which is more an attempt to take her commenters to task than to offer a bonafide apology:

"I've gotten a lot of hateful comments on that video....You don't need to hate me for that....I'm just really disappointed in the people who commented. Frankly, it's just really horrible, okay?"

 

 

It's not until you view her most recent video that you start to get a sense of what YouTube has to offer her this young girl: an audience.

Consider the way she interacts with her viewers ("It's that time to ask for more views on my videos and more subscribers") and how she responds to her viewer mail: ("'I dare you to pie yourself with a massive shaving cream covering your face and your hair'" someone has written. She responds: "I'm going to do that, more than likely when I get my new apartment - when my mom and I get our new apartment. So that should be funny. I'm up for anything, really I am. In-box me: tell me what would be interesting.")

 

 

The effect is sad and pathetic. Instead of viewing her as the mean girl – the effect that came across in the first video – and the angry girl – what came through in the second video – she comes across as someone more worthy of pity.

I can't help but wonder if the adults in her life know she is putting these videos out there, sharing pieces of her soul with he world, where they can be commented on and mocked by strangers.

I worry about what will show up in her in-box next: how far she will go to get her next hit (her next audience hit); where she will draw the line ("I'm up for anything, really I am").

And I wonder how many other young teens are bartering bits of their souls for attention.

When I was a middle-schooler, I wrote in a diary, and guarded the contents of that diary with my life. (I was so paranoid that someone might read my diary that I wrote my entries in code.) And yet this generation of preteens and teens entrusts its most intimate thoughts and feelings to the Internet, forgetting that the Internet can bite back and the Internet can tell secrets years later. Would you want your middle-school diary to track you down today?

$100 a Month to Watch Your Kid Be Parented By Big Brother? I Don't Think So

I know we parents seem like easy marks at times. We are known for scooping up too-cute baby outfits and kid toys that we secretly want for ourselves. But we aren't total pushovers. Sometimes we'll read a marketing pitch that's designed to pull at our maternal or paternal heartstrings and we'll say, "Come on. Someone would actually pay for that?"

I came across just such a pitch on Facebook today. Of course, the fact that it showed up on one of the pages I was viewing tells me that Facebook has me pegged as a prime target for this particular pitch: a parent with kids headed off to college and university. And perhaps, because I have indicated that I have more than a passing interest in parenting (okay, I've "Liked" most pages on the site that have something to do with parenting), Facebook figured I was a natural for this product that has been designed to allay the fears of parents who are worried that Junior will crash and burn during his first semester away from home.

The online program is designed to teach students how to improve their academic performance, manage their emotions, take care of their physical health, and make wise choices while living on their own. The program sets out goals and activities and allows students (these are young adults, remember) to earn points that are redeemable for whatever the parents want to offer in exchange for Junior spending an hour a week online working through the program. (The terms can be set out in an optional Rewards Contract.)

Parents have their own separate log-in, which includes a dashboard which allows them to monitor their child's progress. They also receive separate emails from the system and, should they decide to hire a certified coach to work with their coach (for an additional fee, of course), they will receive progress reports from the coach, too.

There are two things that bother me about the program. First of all, there's the price tag. One hundred dollars a month (or $1000 a year, if you go for the bulk discount) is an obscene amount of money to pay for access to common-sense advice. Load up on a couple of self-help guides and highlight the relevant pages for your child and you'll save yourself about $950. And then there's the fact that you're spying on your child while he is remotely parented by software that's filling in the parenting gaps for you. Creepy.

If you're worried that you've failed to teach your child everything he needs to know to survive in the real world, have some heartfelt conversations right now (in person, by phone, via Skype – whatever). Or write your child a few emails passing along the wisdom you've been meaning to pass along, but never quite got around to sharing. It will mean a whole lot more.

Since Facebook Says You're in a Good Mood....

I was in a good mood this morning: in such a good mood, in fact, that I posted, "I feel like "liking" everything" as a status update to Facebook. (Okay, I admit. It's not the most inspired thing I've written. But when you're in a really good mood, you don't stop to play editor, now do you?)

I didn't think anything of my update once I posted it. I simply went on with my (deliciously awesome) day. But then I received a text message from one of my kids that started off like this:

"Since Facebook says you're in a good mood..."

You have to understand that this particular kid is our resident tech genius. Why wouldn't he rely on technology to read my mood (and then use that information to his advantage)? We used to try to read our parents' moods too, remember? (Imagine how amazing it would have been to have a tool to do the analyzing for us.)

It turns out that technology also provides our kids with valuable feedback about themselves. When I mentioned to my son that he was talking too quickly, he responded by citing his Starcraft actions-per-minute metre. (Apparently he plays the game as quickly as he talks.)

* * *

Back when I was a kid, articles about the future of computers emphasized practical functions: how the home computer of the future would take inventory of the contents of your refrigerator and freezer. The articles didn't talk about how computers would revolutionize the way we communicate with one another and think about ourselves. That's where the real revolution has occurred -- and it's mostly been for the better, I believe.

There are so many ways I can communicate with each of my kids that it's difficult for us to have a total communication breakdown, even on days when one or the other of us is feeling frustrated. A one-word text message or impromptu photo with a note in the subject line can help to resolve a parent-teen impasse. I am grateful to have these tools available to me today. How did previous generations of parents ever live without them?

Back to School Parenting News: Bullying, Breakfast, Grades, and Sensitive Kids

It won't be long until the kids head back to school (although it pains me to think of that because I'm still very much in mid-summer mode myself). But with September just a few weeks away, I thought you might enjoy this roundup of back-to-school parenting news. (If you're not ready to face back-to-school quite yet, bookmark this item and come back to it in another week or two. I will totally understand.)

Bully to You....

Most bullies are motivated by the pursuit of status and the desire to be liked by others. That's the key finding to emerge from a study of nearly 500 9-to-12 year olds conducted by researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands. The researchers found that bullies attempt to gain status by dominating their victims; but, because they want to be liked by other children, they choose to pick on children who are weak and who don't have a lot of friends. Gender also factors into bullying activity. When boys bully boys, it doesn’t matter whether girls approve or disapprove, the researchers discovered. The same holds true for girls. What's more, boys will bully only those girls who aren’t well liked by other boys, regardless of what girls think about it, and girls will do the same in their bullying of boys. “To understand the complex nature of acceptance and rejection, it’s necessary to distinguish the gender of the bully, the gender of the target, and the gender of the classmates who accept and reject bullies and victims,” notes René Veenstra, professor of sociology at the University of Groningen, who led the study.

Managing the School Day Munchies

Breakfast really does matter. In a recent study published online in the International Journal of Obesity researchers examined the impact of a protein-rich breakfast on adolescents who traditionally skipped breakfast. When the study participants ate a protein-rich breakfast the researchers observed that the teens were less hungry and ate approximately 130 fewer calories at lunch. The takeaway message? A protein-rich breakfast improves appetite control.

Meeting the Mark

How quickly they expect to receive their grades may influence how students perform. Psychological scientists Keri L. Kettle and Gerald Häubl of the University of Alberta discovered that students who were told they would receive feedback quickly on their performance on an oral presentation earned higher grades than students who expected feedback at a later time. What's more, when students expected to receive their grades quickly, they predicted that their performance would be worse than students who were to receive feedback later. "People do best precisely when their predictions about their own performance are least optimistic," the authors explained in the journal Psychological Science ("Motivation by Anticipation: Expecting Rapid Feedback Enhances Performance").

Why Sensitive Children Are Like Orchids

"Sensitive children, like orchids, are more challenging to raise and care for,
but they can bloom into individuals of exceptional ability and strength
when reared in a supportive, nurturing, and encouraging environment."
- Jelena Obradović, an assistant professor
in the School of Education at Stanford University

Scavenger Season

It's scavenger season at our place. If you have a son or daughter who is heading off to college or university, you should know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the nesting instinct reborn in your very own offspring. And, as they start to hunt and gather the goods they will need for the upcoming school year (whether that will be a year in residence or in an apartment shared with friends), things at home that they've rolled their eyes at forever become newly chic because they're free.

Case in point: we almost had a bidding war over a third-hand TV set that can only be turned on using the remote. (All of the shiny silver hardware on the front of the set had long since been been rendered useless by the time we inherited the set from its previous owner, who was only too happy to put the circa 1980s beast out to pasture at our cottage.)

Of course, you have to understand that the siblings don't use anything as crass as currency to bid on items that are up for grabs. They use their debating skills. The most popular debating category by a mile? Who is most deserving of the item in question (the ultimate parental Catch 22).

One of the contestants has found a way to do an end run around his siblings when it comes to scoring the best back-to-school bling. His strategy? Go shopping with a parent and ask that parent to pick up the tab for his basket of high-priced toiletries. (If you're not going to see him for the next few months, how can you begrudge the kid one over-priced package of razors? Etc.)

I can't figure out why one of the hottest items available in the family surplus department has yet to be scooped up by anyone: an almost-brand-new set of non-stick pots and pans (used once, on Canada AM, during a parenting segment about preparing healthy snacks for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers). Apparently, everyone has been able to beg or borrow nicer pots and pans from other scavenging sources. I can't help but feel a little bit offended. My pots and pans aren't scavenge-worthy? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

There is, of course, a method in our parental madness: we're hoping that the scavengers will leave us with what years of intermittent decluttering has not: a house with a lot less stuff. So keep shopping at home, kids. But move quickly. With prices this great, this stuff won't last. Take, for example, this amazing set of pots and pans.....

From Trampolines to Disco Balls: The Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup

Looking for a fun way to spend a few hours outdoors with your family making a difference for the environment? The Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup awaits you.

What it is

The Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup is a national conservation program which encourages Canadians coast to coast to make a difference by removing litter from along local shorelines, thereby protecting our oceans and waterways.

This is the 17th year the event has been held. According to Jill Dwyer, Manager of the Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup, the first event was held in 1994, when a handful of Vancouver Aquarium employees and volunteers decided to get Canada involved in the International Coastal Cleanup.

Some of the more unusual items to show up over the years include a message in a bottle (the message said, “Please don’t litter”), false teeth, a living room set, a canoe made out of duct tape, wedding dress, disco ball, a hotel safe, a toboggan, a mini trampoline and a clothesline complete with poles and pins.

Last year, nearly 57,000 Canadians registered to cleanup 1,568 sites across Canada. Nearly 161,000 kg of litter was removed from a cumulative distance of 2,500 km of shoreline (roughly equivalent to the driving distance from Vancouver to the Manitoba/Ontario border). And Canada earned the distinction of having hosted the third largest shoreline cleanup in the world—an impressive achievement, given that we are a relatively small country, population-wise, notes Dwyer.

This year, there are already over 700 cleanup sites registered across Canada—including over 240 in Ontario alone.

The event is popular with families, corporate groups, and youth organizations. (Over 50 percent of participants belong to youth groups, Boy Scouts, or Girl Guides, according to Dwyer.)

How it works

There are two ways to get involved: as a site coordinator or as a cleanup participant.

If you choose to become involved as a site coordinator, you choose the site you want to clean up, set the date and time for the cleanup, and recruit participants.

If you prefer to be a cleanup participant, you simply show up on the date and time that the site coordinator has established for the cleanup. (It's a good idea to bring gloves and a garbage bag, says Dwyer.)

At that point, you'll receive basic instructions about the cleanup. (In addition to collecting litter, one member of each team records data about the litter that has been picked up.)

Why your family might want to get involved

Participating in The Great Canadian Shoreline Community is a lot of fun. It's a great way to give back to your community. And it's something you can do to help the environment.

"It's easy to feel overwhelmed by environmental issues," Dwyer explains. "The Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup gives you something to do that is hands-on and easy. And when you combine what you're doing with what people at other cleanup sites across Canada are doing, it's pretty huge."

How to find out more

This year’s Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup takes place from September 18 to 26, 2010.

For more information or to register please visit shorelinecleanup.ca.

The Top Five Litter Items

367,010 - Cigarette butts
    116,138 - Food wrappers
    74,276 - Plastic Bags
    63,471 - Caps, Lids
    40,799 - Cutlery and Dishes

The top five litter items
removed from
Canadian shorelines
during the 2009
Great Canadian Shoreline Cleanup

Money Isn't Everything: Financial Advice for Families Needs to Make Sense as Well as Cents

This afternoon I tuned into a webcast sponsored by insurance giant MetLife. The webcast featured a panel of experts speaking on the topic of family finance:

• Stacey Bradford, author of The Wall Street Journal Financial Guidebook for Young Parents;
  
• David Port, author of The Caveman's Pregnancy Companion; and
• Beth Hirschhorn, Senior Vice President: Global Brand and Marketing of MetLife.

Much of the content was quite useful.

Port provided a roundup of stats on the cost of a university education south of the border ($170,000 if your child attends a publicly-funded university or $350,000 if your child attends a privately-funded university) that should minimize the griping amongst Canadian parents when it comes time to pay Junior's tuition bill this fall. He also provided some solid advice on keeping your family on-track financially. (Note: I may return to Port's portion of the program in a future post. Both Bradford and Port's books are on their way to me, so I've got a reason to write about family finance issues again.)

And Hirschhorn produced a handy (although slightly horrifying) formula for calculating how much insurance the insurance-industry experts estimate you need at any given time (60% of your annual income x your number of years to retirement). If you can't afford that, total up all your debt plus five years' annual salary and purchase that amount of insurance instead.

Unfortunately, where the MetLife seminar lost credibility (and I mean lost it in a major way) was in the "money saving tips for parents" portion of the program, which was delivered by Bradford.

Bradford was asked to deliver 10 money-saving tips for parents for each of the baby, toddler, and school-aged parenting stages. Most of the tips fell into the category of same old, same old (the stuff you've read a million times before, which is okay: she was rounding up this material and presenting it all at once, which is the purpose of a webcast like this one).

But some of her tips definitely missed the mark. The underlying advice was either unsound or it simply didn't ring true.

Here are the most annoying examples, based on the notes I took during the webcast.

"Borrow gear." "Buy used baby gear." "Accept hand-me-downs (for toddlers)" "Consider consignment shops." There's nothing wrong with shopping secondhand or borrowing certain types of baby or toddler gear from friends and family-members, but it's important to know which types of items are safe to purchase second-hand (or borrow); and which ones aren't. That crucial point – that some items are best purchased new - and you need to do your homework in order to keep your baby – should have been raised at least once during the webcast, particularly given that variations of this same tip were raised four separate times (see subhead, above). It's a message the Consumer Product Safety Commission in the US and Health Canada have issued repeatedly, and for good reason: children die each year because of accidents involving dangerous goods purchased second-hand.

"Ask your pediatrician for free formula – and be sure to get more free formula at the hospital." This was offered as a fabulous money-saving tip for breastfeeding moms as well as formula-feeding moms. "If you're breastfeeding, you'll need to supplement or to give some formula to your mom when she's babysitting," said Bradford. Later, during the question and answer period, all of the webcast participants offered additional advice on how to get additional free formula samples. "Write to the formula companies." "Ask the hospital for extras." "The formula companies will give you plenty because they know that once you start with their brand, you're likely to stick with it." At no point did anyone mention why bringing a can of infant formula home might not be such a great idea – or the bargain you think it might be – if you intend to breastfeed your baby, despite considerable research in this area; and World Health Organization (WHO) policy frowning on such practices (pdf). I was shocked.

"Skimp on a stroller and a high chair." Splurge on a car seat and a breast pump instead. While I agree a good car seat and a top-notch breast pump are essentials, I don't know that you want to skimp on a stroller ("All you need is a light umbrella stroller") or a high chair ("Just buy a $30 seat that attaches to a chair"). I'm thinking about things like back support and durability.

"Delay preschool. You'll save thousands. Have play-dates instead." Preschool tuition isn't a line item in the budget of every family. Many families are already scheduling playdates, paying for childcare, and holding down two (or more) jobs. I was also a little offended on behalf of ECEs (early childhood educators): to imply that early childhood education can be replaced by a playdate -- well, that's selling ECEs really short.

"Shop the sales. You can save 20% to 50% on next year's wardrobe." Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes it is difficult to predict what size and shape your child will be a year from now.

"Don't wait too long to potty-train." To this, Bradford added, "This piece of advice is a bit controversial. I would never suggest you push your child. Do it when it's the right time for your child." Huh? I'm having a bit of difficulty reconciling the two pieces of advice. Don't wait, but don't push?

"Take semi-private lessons." Sign your school-aged child up for semi-private tennis and violin lessons rather than private lessons, says Bradford. You can fork over the cash for private lessons when they are older and their talent is more established. No comment from me on this one....

"Share a hotel room with your child when your family is traveling. You will save $150 dollars per night." My reaction: (1) This is a tip? (2) This works well until your family size reaches or exceeds six. Then you will be forced to spring for that second hotel room in most hotels.

Financial advice for parents, like other types of parenting advice, needs to take all of a family's realities into account, including important health, safety, and lifestyle information, not just the family's financial situation. Otherwise, the financial advice isn't of much use to moms or dads; and the company providing it risks looking woefully out-of-touch with the very customers it is trying to woo.

* * *

I actually got a lot out of this webcast -- although it wasn't quite MetLife intended. The webcast reminded me just what is involved in communicating effectively with parents. It's not as easy as it looks. It's only when things start to fall apart that the mental glue that usually holds everything together becomes obvious. (Hopefully, that won't happen the next time I sit down to blog or I'll be awfully embarrassed after writing this hard-hitting post. But, hey, sometimes things need to be said.)

Hot and Bothered About Census Changes? You Bet I Am. And You Should Be, Too

School boards, health departments, researchers, and others who need best-in-class data to make decisions about our kids aren't going to have the same quality of data from the Canadian Census after 2011. Not after Stephen Harper is done with it.

Alright, I confess. I am the kind of gal who has RSS feeds set up for all the major university research departments and who has been known to devolve into a fangirl while interviewing a researcher in a field I am particularly passionate about. But this is about so much more than that: it's about an attack on public data for purely political reasons. Partisan political reasons, at that.

As a journalist, author, mother, and a Canadian, I am offended by Stephen Harper and Tony Clement's decision to mess with the data that will be gathered during the next Canadian census. As Haroon Siddiqui so eloquently explained in his column last Saturday, the data gathered every five year during our national census is relied upon by businesses, governments, and non-government organizations across the country and around the world. It provides them with a vital snapshot of our country and its people.

What makes the situation even worse is that, by messing with the quality of the data that will be gathered during the next census (in 2011), Harper and Clement will reduce the value of the data that came before. (You can't compare apples to oranges.) What a waste.

If this were simply a cost-cutting measure, you could almost forgive Harper and Clement. After all, isn't fiscal Conservatism supposed to be their schtick? But changing the Census rules is actually going to cost more. $30 million more.

So what's this about, then? "Harper’s penchant for secrecy, obfuscation and controlling information," according to Siddiqui. In other words, he's willing to contaminate the data pool to prevent inconvenient truths from floating to the surface.

But wait! It gets worse. Several other surveys that report on and analyze how Canadians are faring at work and at home, are being chopped or redesigned, Siddiqui reports. One of my favorites, the Survey of Household Spending, which provides a powerful snapshot of how the economy is affecting the lives of upper, middle, and lower income Canadian families is on the list of surveys that provide too much information, at least in the opinion of Harper and Co.

There's only one way to ensure that Stephen Harper comes to his "census": let him know that he's on the wrong side of public opinion on this one. Write to your MP. Write a letter to the editor. Talk to your friends (both online and in the real world). Spread the word that a pseudo-census is no substitute for the real thing.

Related:

Reader Letter: Census Too Important to Gut

Editorial: Census Changes Will Handcuff Researchers

How to Have the Summer Vacation from Hell With Your Family

Anyone can have an ordinary family vacation. It takes special planning to have the family vacation from hell. Here are a few key tips to keep in mind as you go about planning yours.

Share the family travel love. Invite your favorite (and not-so-favorite) relatives to join you on your family road trip. Isn't this what vacations are all about: maxing out family togetherness time?

Plan to cover as many miles in a day as you did in your pre-kid days. Circulate a copy of the daily itinerary at breakfast each day so that the toddlers can take note of the times you have scheduled for meal and bathroom breaks.

Put your family on the family diner diet. Eating in motel and roadside establishments that serve whipped cream and fried batter-based meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner will ensure that the kids end up riding the blood-sugar rollercoaster all day long. (Hey, it makes for cheap entertainment if you can't afford admission to a real amusement park.)

Hit as many tourist attractions as you can, even if you have to cancel naps and keep the kids up extra late to fit everything in. After all, you didn't bring the entire family all this way to miss seeing the [famous tourist attraction], now did you?

Late to bed, late to rise: make that your vacation motto, especially when you're staying in a motel. That way, you can start each morning in sprint mode, trying to beat the motel check-out clock. (Can you can get everyone up, washed, and packed (with no favorite stuffed animals left behind) by the time you have to hand over your motel key? Sure you can.)

Ramp up your caffeine intake if you feel your energy level starting to dip. You've got to play hard when you're on vacation, right? And as for annoying side effects like restlessness, edginess, and caffeine-induced insomnia? They'll wear off once you push yourself to the point of full-blown exhaustion, don't you worry.

If at first you don't succeed, etc. If your vacation from hell fell short of your expectations, simply vow to try harder next year. That unforgettable family vacation is well within your grasp.

Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting. She is also a family vacation survivor.