Stroller Loads of Guilt for Parents

I think someone should study the effects of parenting studies on the stress levels of parents.

Take, for example, the study that hit the newswires this morning, which talked about the effects of forward-facing strollers on babies' development.

Just in case you didn't have a chance to stay on top of the news this morning (let's assume you were out running errands with your baby or toddler in a forward-facing stroller), I'll give you a quick recap.

Research conducted on behalf of The National Literacy Trust's Talk to Your Baby campaign in the UK has concluded that children who face away from their parents while they are pushed around in strollers lead lives that are "emotionally impoverished and stressed" and at risk of language development problems. Researcher Suzanne Zeedyk of Dundee University in Scotland reached these conclusions after noting that parents were twice as likely to talk to their babies when the stroller handle was positioned so that the babies were facing them; and that the babies who were placed in strollers in the forward-facing position were twice as likely to fall asleep.

The study was based on observations of 2722 parents and babies as well as an experiment in which 20 pairs of parents and babies were asked to take a mile-long stroller walk. The babies faced their parents for half the trip and faced away for the other half of the trip.

I think that the key point that the researcher is trying to make with the study is worth making. Parents and babies will both enjoy a walk more if the stroller is positioned so that the parent and child can communicate with one another while they're taking in the sights and the sounds along the way. And stroller manufacturers would do well to take this basic fact of human development into account when designing the next generation of strollers. (The higher-end models of strollers allow parents to change the baby's position from forward-facing to backward-facing, to avoid sun, wind, and rain; but less-expensive models offer a forward-facing setting only.) Perhaps the default setting in future should be backward-facing only – and at a price all parents can afford. But I think that the language that is being used here is a little over-the-top, given that her study may not totally reflect the ways in which parents use strollers in their everyday lives.

When I went back and read the original study, I was surprised to discover that the researcher hadn't taken into account how parents use baby carriers, slings, and wraps as a stroller aid when they are out and about town with baby.

A stroller is great for getting a child safely from point A to point B; and – depending on the size and stability of the stroller model you've chosen – acting as your baby's home away from home while you're on the move. (You can stash the baby essentials in the part of the stroller designed to serve as your onboard baby storage unit as long as you don't try to lug so much gear that the stroller's centre of balance starts to shift.) Some babies and toddlers are quite content to spend extended periods of time in their strollers (either chatting with mom or dad in a way that would score big points with the researcher of this particular study or trying out the forward-facing view so they can toss toys overboard, to see if the stroller parent is paying attention) while others view them as a straightjacket on wheels.

Because babies and toddlers are designed to crave contact with their parents (and parents are biologically programmed to want to respond), you'll often see a parent wearing a young child in a sling, wrap, or baby carrier while pushing an empty or near-empty stroller. The parent has recognized the fact that baby needs some face-to-face and chest-to-chest time and has switched modes of transportation accordingly. That's what parenting is all about: reading baby's signals and changing gears -- or transportation modes -- accordingly.

Not taking into account that those supposedly emotionally-deprived and language-stunted babies whose parents own forward-facing strollers may not be spending all their stroller time in the stroller is a major flaw to this study, IMHO. (Yes, the man or woman on the street observers who were asked to observe stroller-pushing parents in their natural habitats were asked to note if babies or toddlers were being pushed in strollers or carried, but that's very different from the "stroller aid" function I described earlier when signing the praises of baby carriers, slings, and wraps.)

Here's another issue I have with the study. It seems more than a little unfair to dump a double-stroller full of guilt on parents of multiples, who have to look long and hard to find a stroller that allows both babies to face backwards towards the parent. Most strollers designed to carry two or more babies feature forward-facing seating (either in tandem or side-by-side or that allow two babies to face one another). Does this mean that the majority of twins, triplets, and other multiples are destined to suffer from stroller deprivation syndrome? Given that parents of multiples often end up with one baby in a baby carrier and one baby in the stroller (and sometimes no babies in the stroller and a baby on each adult accompanying the stroller), I think not.

So what am I trying to say here, now that I've rambled on – or ranted on – for a couple of hundred words?

A couple of things.

• First, studies like this should be slapped with a warning: "May be dangerous to your parenting health. Please consult your friends if you experience sudden, irrational guilt."
• Second, parenting researchers should be forced to adhere to some sort of style guidelines—ones that prohibit the use of excessively guilt-inducing and/or inflammatory language ("emotionally impoverished"). After all, studies that induce unnecessary guilt in parents trigger massive stress, which leads to less effective parenting, which leads to emotionally impoverishment in children. And that's what we all want to avoid -- right?

From a Few Ripples to a Mother Tsunami: Beware the Power of a Breastfeeding Mother Scorned

This is what moms are talking about on and offline this morning: a story about a York Region pool owner who refused to allow a mother to breastfeed her baby on the steps leading in to the pool and who attempted to re-direct that mom to the change area or the spectator area instead.

The fact that the pool owner hired security guards to protect her facility against the mothers and babies who came out to protest her decision a few days later -- security guards in shields, no less, is even more disturbing.

The moms of Toronto -- and Ontario -- and Canada -- and beyond -- are not impressed.

Word travels quickly in mom circles, particularly when a sensitive issue like breastfeeding issue like breastfeeding is involved. And with the power of the Internet to help spread the word instantaneously, one mom's bad experience can be shared with all of her friends the moment she arrives home (or the moment she retrieves her Blackberry out of her baby's change bag in the change room). The result is every business' worst nightmare: a few ripples of mom dissent that unexpectedly erupt into a mother tsunami of outrage. 

What's making moms particularly angry this time around is that this battle has been waged and won many times over. To have to fight it again in 2008 is ridiculous and insulting. No mom deserves to be treated with such disrespect when she's meeting her baby's basic biological need for food. And any business owner in the business of serving young families had better catch on to the fact that being baby-friendly is job one. If you don't have that in place, you don't have a business. Case dismissed.

Bulletin Board

I thought I'd introduce a new feature to the blog so that I can post some of those items I come across that don't quite warrant an entire blog post in-and-of themselves, but that are too intriguing to keep to myself. I'm calling this new feature Bulletin Board for obvious reasons. These are the types of items you might tear out and stick on your bulletin board if you came across them in real life.

Prevention of Youth Crime Can Start During Pregnancy
Researchers Julie Brousseau and Mireille Jetté of Prevention are attempting to deal with some of the root causes of youth crime by identifying risk factors that tend to carry over from generation to generation and taking steps to try to break the cycle of inter-generational problems, starting when a mother first becomes pregnant.

Oh, Do You Know the Muffin Gran?
Here's proof positive that you can pass down your entrepreneurial vision to your kids and your grandkids. The granddaughter of one of the co-authors of the 1980's cookbook megahit Muffin Mania mega has released a revised second edition of her grandmother's cookbook.

Autism Re-Defined
Two parents from Nova Scotia have written a tell-it-like-it-is account of how their lives play out day-to-day as they cope with the joys and challenges of their sons' autism. "Autism means ... having to absorb glaring and judgmental stares if there is a meltdown at the grocery store, or the mall, or the bus, or the sidewalk. And rather than people offering a helping hand, you hear... 'Why don’t you control your kid.' 'Why’s that boy screaming mommy?' 'What a bad parent.' It means making sure they are wearing a red T-shirt with the words Autism Summer Camp on the back and the front when we do go out, to try and avoid the condemnation." - From Life on Mars by Charlene and David Croft (an excerpt from their forthcoming book Little Rain Men).

Affluenza
Just in time for holiday shopping season -- a link to this PBS documentary about the root causes of overspending and what they mean for our society and the future of the planet. The fabulous retro footage of car ads, dream kitchens, and bored/unhappy shoppers make Affluenza a must watch before you hit the malls. (More.)  If the film leaves you looking for solutions, you may want to check out the viewers' guide which was created to accompany the sequel, Escape from Affluenza.

The Stuff of Which Pre-Baby Fantasies Are Made

One of the hottest new trends in the world of pregnancy and babies is the baby planner: a consultant/concierge who, for $75 to $150 per hour, will ensure that baby has all the right stuff (green, silver spoon, or both); the perfect nursery (hip, healthy, and unique); the ideal baby shower (one that generates the right stuff for the perfect nursery and encourages friends and family members to purchase the services of the baby planner to boot).

Baby planners are selling something bigger than the specific services listed on their baby menus, of course. They're selling the stuff of which pre-baby fantasies are made: visions of after-baby bliss. Baby planners promise to ease the transition to parenthood by providing parents-to-be with the knowledge, the tools, and the gear needed to feel confident and in control every step of the way. There's no need to worry. Someone else is at the controls. You can just relax and enjoy the ride.

If only it were possible to download the worry -- and to predict every parenting curve ball ahead of time. Unfortunately, that's not the nature of the adventure you've signed on for. The thing you need to know about parenting is that nothing is perfect or predictable – and hiring a baby planner isn't about to change that reality. If anything, you might end up with a false sense of security about your readiness for baby and a heightened sense of unreality after baby arrives (the result of downloading all the baby preparation functions to someone else). After all, when you're picking out baby clothes or choosing a color of paint for your baby's nursery, there's something fundamentally important going on deep inside your brain. As you handle that sleeper and pour through those paint chips, you get a chance to prepare psychologically for baby's impending arrival. Outsource too many of those nesting-type functions to a baby planner and you may find the jump from the abstract concept of being pregnant to the physical reality of having a baby in your arms sudden and jarring. Besides, the musing and the dreaming and the thinking and the planning are the stuff of which pregnancy and baby memories are made. You don't want to miss out on the magic. Really.

Here's something else to think about as you mull over the pros and cons of hiring a baby planner. Nice-to-haves can rapidly morph into must-haves and frills can disguise themselves as necessities once you appoint a designated shopper. After all, she has to justify her reason for being. Case in point: "Making sure that all your notes and announcements are unique to you and your family is a top priority," says Time to Nest, a Maryland-based baby planning company. And another: " She deserves the very best, so give her what she wants, diamonds, birthstones, and platinum, oh my!" adds Ohio-based Blue Skye Baby.

Likewise, experiences like the baby shower that were once the exclusive domain of family and friends become part of the post-modern baby marketing machine: "Showers are a wonderful time for the expecting family to be surrounded by loving friends and family. Time to Nest can offer gift ideas and services that are sure to mean so much. Providing the soon-to-be-parents with our Make Your Mark service is also a wonderful gesture that can be included in the party planning."

If your budget can swing upwards of $75/hour for a shot at the fleeting fantasy of post-baby perfection --- a fantasy that will hold up for as long as it takes you to realize that a professionally accessorized nursery doesn't necessarily guarantee postpartum bliss – and what's being offered seems like good value to you, then go for it. Just realize that there are other less pricey and more time-honored ways of achieving the same goal (sans the coordinating accessories). The not-so-secret recipe is to tap into the parenting community in your area, to do your own research about the hot-button parenting issues of the day, and to trust your own instincts as a parent (something that becomes easier as you clock more time as a new mom or dad). And spend the money you would have paid the baby planner on things your baby really needs and invest in a dream with staying power: start trying to make things better for all the babies of the world.

Postscript: Thinking of Hiring a Baby Planner? Be Baby Planner Wise:

• If a baby planner refers to a select list of service providers, find out whether these individuals are screened by the baby planner (e.g., reference and police checks) and whether any referral or kick-back fees move back and forth between the baby planner and the service provider.
• If you're interested in taking a parenting course offered by a baby planner (typical topics include infant and child safety, baby proofing, the do's and don'ts of installing a car seat, making your own baby food) ask about the instructor's credentials and compare the cost of the course with similar offerings in your community. You might be able to find a similar course being offered free of charge (or on a cost-recovery basis) through community or non-profit organizations.

The Ideal School: Where The In Thing is Inclusion [ Part I in a new series on making change ]

Have you heard about The Ideal School of Manhattan – a school created by a group of parents whose vision of learning is truly all-inclusive? Not only does the school welcome students with special needs (25 percent of the spaces in the school are reserved for such students): it's become one of the most popular and most respected schools in New York City, period. There's a waiting list for spots -- this despite the fact that tuition costs $32,000 US per student per year.

The Ideal School is a rare gem. It's not unusual for kids with special needs (particularly those that manifest themselves as behavioral issues) to end up moving from one private school to another as they repeatedly wear out their welcome. If the parents of the other children at a school have been sold a round-peg-only vision for that school and your child is obviously a square peg, there may be subtle (and then not-so-subtle) pressure on you and your child to start acting like a round beg or move on.

That's what makes the Ideal School's policy of welcoming a variety of different-shaped pegs -- or children -- stand out in such a positive way. This is what education should be like -- and yet in both the public and private system, too often the reality falls far short of the Ideal. The public system is underfunded; the private system tends to be too exclusive, with administrators trying to perpetuate an alternative vision of what an educational utopia should be like -- an educational environment that may not include a classmate who is struggling with a behavioral problem.

Maybe that's what well-meaning parents and administrators think they should be protecting Johnny from -- anything that could distract Johnny from learning -- but creating an artificial learning environment -- one that doesn't reflect the reality of the real world -- isn't providing that child with much of an education. Sure, the child may master his times tables a little more quickly, but as for learning important life-lessons in tolerance, acceptance of differences, and getting along with all kinds of people -- those lessons kind of get lost along the way if every child in the classroom is uniformly mainstream.

The benefits of inclusion are powerful and well-documented. As the Ideal School website notes:

"Students, both with and without special needs, benefit academically from the teaching strategies and classroom adaptations employed, such as personalized lesson plans, activity-based learning, differentiated instruction, peer mentoring, cooperative group learning, and the use of instructional technology. As students have positive experiences with children with special needs, they become more appreciative of differences, have an enhanced awareness of fairness and equality, and improved self-images. An inclusive education provides each student with an excellent academic foundation and empowers each child to succeed in a truly diverse society with self-confidence, acceptance, and compassion."

So what does this mean in practical terms? By the time they graduate, students at the Ideal School will have learned that we all have unique strengths and abilities to share with one another -- which means that none of us have to strive to be perfect. What a liberating message to pass along to kids from privileged families who might otherwise feel pressured to build upon the legacies of generations of over-achievers. Instead of perpetually focusing inward on what they themselves should be achieving, those students can celebrate the achievements of other classmates.

It's bold thinking like this -- thinking that is born of the dreams of parents who want something better for their kids -- that has the potential to change the world, one kid, one school, and one neighborhood at a time.

Obviously, the cost of this particular option makes this particular solution, as presented, unaffordable to all but a select few. That's not what I'm suggesting we build upon here. What I'm suggesting is that we borrow the vision -- the idea that parents can solve problems by engaging in innovative, forget-the-way-we've-always-done-things thinking and by working together. That's a model that's worked time and time again: grassroots parenting initiatives driven by genuine need and parent passion. It's a pretty unbeatable recipe for making change.