Mom and Pop Psychology: Let's Get Quizzical

Surprise! It's time for a parenting pop quiz -- circa 1936.

We may give credit to Cosmo for giving birth to the famous (or infamous) quizzes that have become the magazine’s trademark. Truth is, while Cosmo has been publishing its quizzes for at least 37 years, Guardian media columnist Lynn Peril managed to uncover a pop quiz for parents published in 1936 (by the American magazine Delineator).

Here are Peril’s comments on what must have been an extraordinarily guilt-inducing quiz: 76 questions on the theme: "How Good a Parent Are You?"

The quiz...asked a gruelling 76 questions from "Do you make scenes in public places?" to "Do you sneak castor oil into his orange juice?" with A being the highest possible rating. The answer key sneered at anyone who scored so high though. "Only doting aunts, uncles, grandparents are this good," it chided. Getting a B was preferable ("No wonder your neighbours' offspring envy yours"), but then things slid downhill to F ("Don't blame them if they run away.")

Let's do the time warp again....

Just in case that quiz left you itching to try your hand at the modern-day equivalent of this kind of quiz, I've rounded up a few examples. Just bear in mind that these quizzes are anything but scientific and that subtlety is not their greatest strength. Be sure to tell your therapist I warned you.

What Is Your Parenting Style?

What's Your Celebrity Mom Personality?

Whose Your Hollywood Pregnancy Double?

What's Your Animal Mother Style?

Are You A Terrible Mother?

Are You A Great Mother?

Are You a Helicopter Parent?

What Kind of Mom Are You?

Care to share your reactions to any of the questions that caught your attention from the quizzes above -- or any other parenting quizzes you've encountered over the years? Want to try your hand at writing a parenting quiz of your own (serious or satire - your pick)? Post it on your blog and post the link below so we can find out whether we're marvelous or miserable, perfect or persnickety - or whatever.

This non-helicopter blogger is @anndouglas on Twitter.

Suddenly, You Just Love Doing Your Kegels

They call it rééducation périnéale
après accouchement (perineal retraining
after childbirth) -- and it's part of
the standard 10 week postpartum rehab
program prescribed for new mothers in France.

While promoting perineal fitness is nothing new -- heck, even guys are working on their pelvic floor muscles these days -- what's captured the attention of readers of the UK newspaper The Guardian, which reported on the trend a few days ago, are the weekly perineal electrotherapy sessions that have become part of the standard postpartum regime for new moms.

"The prescription was for a post-birth tradition in France, a procedure known as la rééducation périnéale après accouchement (perineal retraining after childbirth)," Janine Di Giovanni wrote in The Guardian. "I am far too puritanical and squeamish to discuss in detail what is actually involved, but it's a ritual nearly every French mother goes through. Let's just say it's like an extended course of gymnastics for the pelvic area, which also involves electric devices being used to strengthen the birth canal muscles."

Electro-stimulative perineal treatments are an established therapy for urinary and anal incontinence in both men and women. And, over the past few years, articles such as this one in the French journal Perineology (.pdf) ) have highlighted the potential benefits of electro-stimulative perineal treatments during the postpartum period.

But does that mean they should become a standard postpartum therapy for every new mom?

No one knows. The most recent Cochrane Review on this subject -- update in 2007 -- has been withdrawn.

Barbie vs. The Moms

So Barbie has been painting the GTA pink in celebration of her big 5-0. You had to know she'd mark this milestone birthday in style.

She may be an icon, but it's difficult to know whether she's best described, at this point in her life, as

1. a retro doll on a comeback tour
2. the great pink peril (an eco-feminist disaster)
3. a mega-brand doubling as a fashion industry stimulus package.

Maybe she's all that and more.

That got me wondering: has Barbie managed to make peace with the modern mom? Or is she still the iconic symbol of every feminist mom's worst nightmare come true. (Nancy White’s classic song “Daughters of Feminists” instantly comes to mind.)

Let's face it, Barbie didn’t do much to further her cause as a toy you'd want around your daughter, what with the math incident and the lingerie Barbie line. ¹ What were those people at Mattel thinking?

And yet, young girls have always been (and still are) drawn to Barbie.

Competitors with the most noble of intentions have found it almost impossible to steal away any of Barbie's customers, as I discovered for myself when I tried to do the feminist mom thing when my daughter was of Barbie age. I bought my daughter the Barbie alternative (a more realistically proportioned doll named Happy to Be Me that promised to enhance girls' self-esteem), only to have my daughter hand her back, pronto, complaining that Happy had a big butt.

I headed online to chat with some moms on Twitter (a great way to sample opinions on any topic, by the way). I wanted to know where things stood in the battle between Barbie and the Moms. Here's what I found out.

Barbies aren't as bad as Bratz. “As an aunt, I'd much rather my nieces play with Barbies than Bratz.” says @twhitneyshan. “I find Barbie a little more wholesome.” @cathyempey shares that view. “I am okay with my daughters playing with Barbies. [They are] way better than Bratz. I do not allow those dolls [Bratz] into our home.”

Your house, your Barbie rules. Depending on how you feel about Barbie, that may mean hanging a Barbie welcome sign on your front door; having a no way, no how policy where Barbie is concerned; or allowing a Barbie or two to inflitrate the premises (to stop Barbie from becoming forbidden fruit). “I'm not keen on my daughter (age 3 1/2) playing with Barbie,” says @traceyibrahim. “But I don't [prevent] her.

You don’t have to buy into the (cradle-to-grave) Barbie marketing hype. “The consumer part bothers me the most," says @radmama. Her solution? Make way for vintage and hand-me-down Barbies rather than buying new.

Remind yourself that Barbie is a plastic toy, not a cult leader. Our daughters have the power to make their own choices (with us providing them with guidance in becoming strong, happy, healthy girls who won't let an artificially-proportioned toy mess with their heads). And sometimes what they choose to do with Barbie makes Sid from Toy Story seem like a toy-manitarian. (“I only cut off my Barbie’s hair,” confesses @radmama. “My sister painted hers silver and wrapped her in wire.")

So don’t write off those “Daughters of Feminists” too soon, Moms and Dads. They may be marching to the beat of their own drummer -- and using their Barbies as drumsticks.

Note:
1. The official Barbie Collector site features some demure looking pictures of lingerie Barbie - with suitably demure copy (Barbie "looks darling in delicate pink. Intricate pale pink lace accents her heavenly bustier ensemble. Pink peek-a-boo peignoir floats over soft pink, feminine underpinnings. Sheer pink stockings and sling back high heels add flirtatious finishing touches" etc.) - and indicates that lingerie Barbie and other Barbies in the Fashion Model Collection are no longer available.
     A commentator at the Blog Sisters blog reacted to the parental outcry at the launch of lingerie Barbie in November 2002 as follows: "I've long been a big UN-fan of Barbie in general, but this new model doesn't bother me so much: she's kind of just a blatant example of what, to me, Barbie is about anyway. The angry dad on the news was upset about the sexual suggestiveness of the toy, but apparently has no problem letting his daughter play with lots of blonde, unrealistically shaped dolls that promote sexism in a more insidious way."

Related:

Body Talk: The Straight Facts on Fitness, Nutrition, and Feeling Great About Yourself: A self-esteem book for preteens and teens that I wrote with my daughter, Julie. (Maple Tree Press, 2006).

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I'm hoping you'll continue the conversation with me, adding your two cents in the comments section below, taking the discussion to your own blog, and/or catching up with me via Twitter (@anndouglas).   >> This may be my space, but it's our conversation. <<

Oh, Baby! Mining The Maternity Survey Data Motherlode

As someone who is always looking for new data about conception, pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum experience from a Canadian perspective, I’ve been awaiting the birth of the Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey with great anticipation.

This survey -- and the motherlode of data that accompanies it -- will provide mothers and researchers with plenty of material for discussion and analysis for many years to come.

The Toronto Star made the survey its lead story in its print edition this morning -- an indication of the significance of the research. Based on interviews with 6421 Canadian moms, the Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey is the first large-scale national maternity study to be conducted in this country.

The survey included more than 300 questions addressing such topics as socio-economic and demographic information; reproductive history; folic acid use; prenatal care; smoking, alcohol and street drug use; stress and support; physical and sexual abuse; information received about pregnancy, birth and postpartum issues; interventions during pregnancy, labour and delivery; postpartum health and care; postpartum depression; and infant feeding.

I expect to be writing about this body of data repeatedly -- both here at ParentCentral.ca, and as I finish updating my pregnancy and baby books. These notes are a few of my preliminary impressions as I begin to mine the motherlode of data.

Type of prenatal care provider
Obstetrician/gynecologist: 58.1%
Family physician: 34.2%
Midwife: 6.1%
Nurse/nurse practitioner: 0.6%

Note: This data is quite interesting, given the lack of choice of prenatal care providers in many communities; and the chronic shortage of both family doctors and obstetricians/gynecologists.

How much choice did you have when it came to finding a prenatal care provider? Lots of choice? Or was the choice made for you?

Most useful sources of information about pregnancy
Health care provider (32.2%)
Books (22.3%)
Previous pregnancy (17.1%)

Note: This data is very different from what other similar studies have revealed. They have indicated that moms-to-be tend to turn to close female friends and female relatives for support and information during pregnancy.

So what do you think? Where did you go for information when you were pregnant? Do the answers to this question make sense to you?

Folic acid supplementation
Almost a quarter (22.4%) of women did not know, prior to pregnancy, that taking folic acid before pregnancy could help prevent some birth defects.

Note: Public education campaigns aimed at increasing awareness of the need to take folic acid prior to pregnancy have existed in Canada since the early 1990s. Clearly, these campaigns are failing to reach about 1 in 4 moms-to-be. New research indicates that folic acid can help to prevent preterm birth if it is taken a year before pregnancy. Prospective mothers now need to be thinking about increasing their folic acid intake a year before they start trying to conceive. Health educators now need to be thinking about ways to get this message out -- an even greater challenge.

 

Did you know about the importance of taking folic acid prior to conceiving? Had you heard about the new research about the role folic acid can play in preventing preterm birth (if you take it one year before becoming pregnant)?

Place of birth
Hospital or clinic 97.9%
Home birth: 1.2%
Birthing centre: 0.8%

Older women and women giving birth to their second or subsequent baby had higher proportions of out-of-hospital births.

Note: These statistics do not necessarily reflect what a woman would choose for herself, but rather what choice she made given the options that were available to her.

A 1999 survey indicated that 31% of Canadian women would choose to deliver in a birth centre. In reality, relatively few Canadian women have the option of giving birth in a birthing centre. Birth centres only exist in certain provinces/communities; some are privately funded. Likewise, midwives are not accessible to all women in all communities, and some provinces do not fund their services; so home birth is not an option for all Canadian women.

Did you feel you had adequate choice in terms of a place to give birth? Did you wish you had more options?

I will continue to blog about more data from the Maternity Experiences Survey during the days and weeks ahead, helping you to make sense of that motherlode of numbers. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to post them below or to contact me @anndouglas

NOTE: Please see this amazing roundup of comments over at PhD in Parenting ("Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey: My Answers & Your Answers"). Annie, thank you for taking this discussion over to your blog, getting your readers engaged in such a powerful way, and then letting me know what happened so that I could link to that discussion. How fabulous.

Pay to Play: On Profit and Priorities

My 11-year-old son and I visited an indoor play centre with my sister and her two preschoolers yesterday. It was the first time I’d ever been to one of these places.

I guess I was hoping for something more than what was on offer -- a more enriched version of what I'd experienced with my kids at Ontario Early Years Centres (which, being publicly funded, are free). What I encountered was the opposite: a highly commercialized pay-to-play enterprise. And I had to pay $8 for my child to get in.

Instead of puppet theatres and dress-up centres; water tables and sandboxes; ride-on toys and construction sets; paint easels and craft tables; and other activities geared to kids of various ages (the images I carry with me from many happy days spent at Ontario Early Years Centres), the pay-to-play place featured toys and climbing equipment plus pay-more-as-you go extras: pay-to-play carnival games; a snack bar; a birthday party room and birthday cakes, and other amenities, tucked away behind closed doors, ready to be unlocked for the right price.

In the for-profit world, the bottom line has a way of trumping service and common sense. The single staff member working the customer service desk had to juggle phone calls (birthday party and cake bookings) with meeting the needs of parents-and-kids. She did her best, but it isn't easy trying to be the receptionist, order desk clerk, cashier, and customer service rep all at the same time. What got lost, as a result, were the elements that make for a truly child- and parent-centred experience. What was on offer was a spacious room with toys. That’s all.

Parents tell me that they frequently seek out privately-operated play facilities because their local Ontario Early Years Centre is too crowded or it only operates part-time hours or its not as convenient to their home. And, of course, Ontario Early Years Centres only address the 0-6 age range. There aren't publicly funded drop-in centres for kids ages 6-12. That means that what’s available at any given time is very much determined by where you live, the time of year (summer camp and March Break camp season vs. after-school or weekend programming), and your ability to pay. (These types of programs are typically offered on a user-pay system.)

This makes me wonder why we parents have been so willing to reach into our own pockets to pay for access to indoor play spaces? Why aren’t we asking governments to create neighborhood playgrounds (both indoor and outdoor) and parenting centres (perhaps in unneeded schools or schools with excess space) staffed by early childhood education professionals (the people who know how to create the best environments for children to learn and grow)?

So here's what I'm thinking.

Given what we’ve learned about the key determinants of health and what leads to lifetime success and well-being, it doesn’t make sense for governments to default to the private sector when it comes to meeting the needs of children. Issues of universal access vs. ability to pay inevitability arise. If it’s in the public’s interest for children to have safe places to play, shouldn’t the public invest in those spaces and ensure that the programs that they deliver incorporate the best evidence about children and learning (to say nothing of parent support)?

Besides, at a time when taxpayer dollars are being reinvested in all kinds of different projects, don’t you think it’s time we asked ourselves and our governments what brick or mortar project could possibly warrant greater investment than the next generation of citizens? If we fail to invest in our human infrastructure, all the other infrastructure investment won’t matter at all.

Related:

• UNICEF: The Childcare Transition
• Martin Prosperity Institute: Ontario in the Creative Age

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RESEARCH NEWS: The Public Health Agency of Canada has just released new findings about Canadian women's experiences of pregnancy, labour, birth, and postpartum. “What Mothers Say: The Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey” and “Mothers' Voices —What women say about pregnancy, childbirth and early motherhood" are available at www.publichealth.gc.ca/mes.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Rule Number 1 - Put the Kids First

One of my best friends married Mr. Freeze.

I knew before they got married that he was wrong for her. (She’s as warm and bubbly as he is emotionally cold and distant.)

I knew, even as I watched them take their vows, that this wouldn’t end well.

Things didn’t improve when baby one or baby two came along, so I was happy and relieved when she announced she was exiting the refrigerator marriage and starting over as a single mom.

I may never think much of her ex, but her kids don’t need to know this. He will always be their dad. Besides, if my friend can treat him civilly in front of the kids, the least I can do is follow her lead. It is a million times more difficult for her than it is for me. I don't ever have to talk to him or see him ever again. She has to have regular contact with him for the rest of her life because he will always be her kids' dad.

I admire my friend for taking the high road. She wants to minimize the fallout of the marriage breakup on her kids, and she’s heard horror stories about angry couples using their kids as weapons to get back at one another, forgetting that it’s the kids who end up getting hurt. They call it parental alienation and the techniques that some parents use are nothing short of Machiavellian. Susan Pigg has an article about the phenomenon that documents the techniques in today's Toronto Star (posted here @ ParentCentral.ca as well). Here are a few of the examples she uncovered:

"There are no pictures that include you in your ex-spouses' house, which is meant to give the child the message that you no longer exist and they shouldn't be thinking about you.

"Interfering with communication: You get hung up on and your letters and gifts aren't passed on to your child. This is especially damaging for parents who live too far away for frequent face-t-face outings, making that contact especially important.

"Your child is being told highly personal information about you, aimed at diminishing you in their eyes: 'Mommy did drugs in high school.' 'Your dad is too small.'"

The breakup of a marriage is always a painful thing, and its even more painful when kids are involved. But it doesn’t have to be the stuff of which celebrity tabloid stories are made. If both parents put their shared love of their children at the forefront and commit to a few basic ground rules, the kids don’t have to become casualties in a battle between the most important people in their lives.

• Not bashing one another. Each parent should treat the other parent with respect, no matter what.
• Not competing with one another to be the most popular parent. A competition to out-spend or to be the good-guy parent will result in a lose-lose-lose situation. Everybody loses.
• Continuing to co-parent. Do what you’ve always done about big-picture parenting decisions: consult one another and work together cooperatively for the good of the kids. 
• Not asking the kids to make impossible choices. Studies have shown that, in most cases, children wish to maintain relationships with both parents. Being asked to choose between parents is to ask kids to make an impossible and painful choice.

Related:

How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids

Because Life Goes On...Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce

Children and Divorce

Engaging The Whole Child in Learning

 “Holistic education engages the head, heart, hands and spirit of the child.
It is a curriculum that makes connections –
community, earth, soul, subject and mind-and-body connections –
and it develops intuition and inquiry.”

- From the curriculum documents for The Whole Child School,
a Toronto District School Board
alternative school which opens this fall

The parents who received phone calls telling them that their children had secured spots in The Whole Child School reacted as if they had won the lottery. And, as it turns out, they had. Demand for spaces in the new school  was so great that the school had to conduct a lottery to allocate spaces as fairly as possible, says Shari Walczak, a mother of two who has been serving as parent co-chair of the school’s organizing committee.

When The Whole Child School opens its doors this September, it will start out with seven classes: three combined JK/SK classes (Walczak’s 4-year-old son will be in one of those classes); full classes at the Grades 1, 2, and 3 level; and a combined Grade 4/5 class. The school will grow with its students, eventually offering classes from JK through Grade 8.

It isn’t difficult to see what has attracted students to this publicly-funded alternative school. The Whole Child School (which will be sharing space with Roden Public School in the Gerrard and Coxwell neighborhood) will be following a holistic curriculum that has been developed by a highly skilled team of educators, with input from Professor John P. Miller of the Department of Curriculum, Teaching, and Learning at the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the University of Toronto.

One of the key challenges that the school’s founders foresee will be managing parent expectations. No school is perfect--even if the curriculum documents make The Whole Child School sound like a learning paradise on earth. What the Whole Child School community can promise to do is be open to learning from the mistakes that will inevitably be made as the school gets through its novice year. “We’ll be learning and adjusting and changing as we go.”

Walczak and other members of the organizing committee are counting on The Whole Child School’s parent community to play a hands-on role in shaping the school during this first, formative year. “We’re looking for a real time commitment and involvement level from our parents. We want them to be involved with everything from fundraising and identifying potential partnerships to providing input on the curriculum and vision.”

If all goes well, The Whole Child School could end up serving as a model for the kind of education every child should be receiving in order to be able to meet the challenges of the future, says Walczak. “We would love for The Whole Child School to become the norm for all children down the road.”

"Holistic education is an effort to cultivate the development of the whole human being.  Where conventional schooling views the child as a passive receiver of information and rules, or at most as a computer-like processor of information, a holistic approach recognizes that to become a full person, a growing child needs to develop – in addition to intellectual skills – physical, psychological, emotional, interpersonal, moral and spirited potentials.  The child is not merely a future citizen or employee in training, but an intricate and delicate web of vital forces and environmental influences."

- Ron Miller, one of the major thinkers and contributors
to the field of holistic education, on the role holistic education
has to play in the development of the whole child,
quoted on The Whole Child School website

Destination ImagiNation: Non-Profit Program Emphasizes Creativity, Teamwork, Problem-Solving Skills

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work.”
Thomas Edison

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? That’s how we should look at our not-quite-successes, but, all too often, we forget that there’s an upside to making mistakes. We increase our knowledge of what doesn’t work.

That’s the kind of smart thinking that allowed Thomas Edison to accomplish what he did. If it had been paralyzed by a fear of failure, he might never have had that bright flash of discovery.

It's also the kind of innovative learn-through-discovery kind of thinking that underlies a Destination ImagiNation a non-profit program for kids that combines creative thinking, team work, problem solving and ends up with fun.

The program may not be very well known in Canada, but it’s extremely well established in other parts of the world. Each year, DI (a community-based, non-profit, volunteer-driven educational organization) works with more than 250,000 children and young adults in 50 U.S. states and more than 40 countries around the world.

Kids on two- to seven-member teams are challenged to find solutions to both instant challenges and team challenges (which take many months to solve). They present their solutions to appraisers in tournament-style settings. (See second video, below.)

When team members are first confronted with their menu of challenges at the beginning of the DI year (each team tackles five challenges each year), the initial reaction is likely to be, “There is no way we we’re going to be able to solve this problem,” says Kris Bordessa, mother of two, DI volunteer, and the author of the book Team Challenges: 170+ Group Activities to Build Cooperation, Communication, and Creativity (Zephyr Press).

But then they get down to business and the impossible starts to look plausible -- even probable.

Everything is very hush-hush, of course (as is the case with all the very best clubs and discoveries).

One of the cardinal rules of DI is that there is no parental interference. In fact, if a parent suggests a solution or material for the team challenge, the solution or material suggested by the parents is declared off-limits. Kids are taught to respond to helpful hints from well-meaning but overbearing parents with a powerful one-liner that is designed to remind moms and dads that DI is supposed to be building skills in kids, not parents: “That’s a great idea, mom/dad. But now we can’t use it."

The DI year builds toward state (or provincial), national, and global championships. But even at the highest levels, competition is kept in perspective, Bordessa stresses. “There’s no sense of, ‘Ha! We won.’”

Bordessa’s two boys have reaped the benefits of being involved in DI. (Her oldest son has been involved for seven years.) “They’re better at solving life’s little problems. Little things don’t throw them the same way any more. They’re capable of looking at several different ways of solving the same problem. And they are better at communicating whatever it is they want to say.”

These videos will give you a sense of what DI is all about. For specific information about the costs involved in purchasing DI curriculum materials, visit the DI store or contact CreativePrograms.org (a DI affiliate in the GTA).

Use Your Super Powers: A Workshop for Girls 8 to 12 - April 18, 2009

I've just developed a brand new workshop for girls 8 to 12 years of age + the very influential females (VIFs) in their lives. I'm going to be delivering the workshop for the first time on April 18 from 2 to 4 pm at the Uxbridge Public Library. Tickets are $15 (for a girl + a VIF). Full workshop details can be found below.

You can download copies of this poster to share with a friend or to post at your workplace or local library. Please note that enrollment is limited to 24 girls and the VIFs (very influential females) in their lives, so please sign up early to avoid disappointment. Poster Page 1 (.pdf) | Page 2 (.pdf)