When You and Your Partner Don't See Eye-to-Eye About Parenting

Being married can be challenging enough. Add kids to the mix and sometimes couples reach the breaking point. (For other couples, the parent piece is the only non-broken part of a couple relationship that was in trouble long before the kids come along.)

I have life after baby on my mind for a couple of reasons.

First, I spent my weekend speaking at the Winnipeg Baby and Kids Show, which gave me the opportunity to chat informally with a large number of parents about the biggest challenges they are facing in their lives as parents. Many mentioned feeling out of synch with their partners about the decisions they were making as parents.

Secondly, I just finished watching the documentary Married in America 2 (available for purchase via iTunes and elsewhere). The film catches up with nine couples who were the subjects of the original Married in America documentary to find out how they are faring individually and as couples as their relationships hit the five-year mark.

Some of the couples have had a baby; others are thinking about having kids. Some are grappling with deaths in the family or the complexities of blended family issues. Some couples are together; others are not. They all have different perspectives on life and relationships than they did five years earlier, some for better and some for worse.

The documentary is definitely worth watching. The film is fun and fast-moving and each of the couples is uniquely fascinating. My only quibble is that we never get a chance to see the couples arguing (something that does tend to happen in real life). No one swears on camera either. Ever. Perhaps the film was edited to make the film more palatable to faith groups (for marriage preparation courses) and educational organizations (for parenting classes). Or perhaps the folks at the Hallmark Channel (where the film initially aired) has rules about real life getting a little too real.

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But back to the broader issue: coping with problems in your couple relationship after you have kids; or, more specifically, what to do if you and your partner don't see eye-to-eye about how to raise your kids.

Here are some points to consider.

Don't assume that the problem will take care of itself once the baby is no longer a baby, the toddler is no longer a toddler, etc. You've still got a lot of years of parenting ahead of you -- and you definitely want to be on the same page of the parenting playbook by the time your kids hit the preteen or teen stage.

Try to engage your partner in a heart-to-heart discussion about the hopes and dreams that led you to want to become parents in the first place: the types of parents you want to be and the types of kids you want to raise. If you've never had this type of conversation, there's no time like the present to have it. Try to have this conversation when you're both relaxed and in a positive and upbeat mood. If you can't have this type of conversation without the conversation dissolving into an argument, consider couples therapy (so that you can work on your communication skills and resolve the outstanding issues you have as parents and as a couple).

Consider taking a parenting course together. That way, the information you're trying to discuss with your partner will be reaching your partner via a neutral third-party rather than always being filtered through you.

Share parenting materials that you've found particularly helpful. And encourage your partner to share parenting materials that express his or her ideas about parenting, too. (You don't have to agree with all the viewpoints expressed. What you're trying to do is get an understanding of what your partner is thinking and feeling about a particular issue. That's the first step to talking the issue through and finding some common ground.)

Take stock of all the things you do agree about rather than just focusing on all the things you don't. Then find ways to build on that common foundation in your lives as parents.

Why I Won't Play Roulette When It Comes to My Kids and This Chat Site

It was a friend on Twitter who tipped me off to the site. He told me that parents needed to know about it.

"I probably don't even want to go there myself," I thought, as I did some preliminary research on the site. But then I reconsidered. After all, if it's out there, our kids already know about it, so we need to have a game-plan for helping them deal with it. With that in mind, I decided to check it out.

I have to be honest: Chatroulette.com is not my kind of thing at all. The site, which was created by a 17-year-old from Moscow, teams up voyeurism and the ability to write off other human beings at first glance (or without even a glance at all). It's not a winning combo in my books. Add to that the fact that some of the reviews of the site that I'd read had left me wondering what I was getting myself into (New York Times tech bits columnist Brad Stone wrote: "Parents, keep your children far, far away.") and you can see that this was more of a should-do rather than a want-to-do assignment.

Connection roulette

As the name of the site implies, Chatroulette is an electronic version of roulette. In this case, you are playing connection roulette. Who you connect with is determined by the site.

Your microphone and webcam turn on the moment you hit the play button (unless you choose deny when the site first asks you for permission to turn your microphone and webcam on). If you want to chat with another user (via text, microphone, and/or webcam), you can do so if you both agree to maintain the connection. If you don't choose to maintain the connection, you just hit next and move on.

Here's a quick snapshot of what started happening once I started hitting that button.

• I spent about 10 minutes on the site at around 1:30 pm ET today. During that time, I made about 100 connections.

• At least half of the other people had their webcam turned off (like I did) so it wasn't possible to determine the other person's age or sex.

• Of the 50 or so people who did appear on camera, about 40 were male, five were female, and five were male-female couples. It was also common for young males to have friends with them.

• Of the 50 people who were visible on camera, one was a male who was masturbating and another was a couple who were having sex. About five of the other males had the webcam aimed at their crotches and/or who were partially undressed.

• The age ranges of the males ranged from early teens through around age 60. The females all appeared to be in their 20s.

• One user had a sign offering to "rate boobs for free." Someone else aimed the webcam at a pile of $50 and $100 bills which appeared to be real. (If sex fails, you can always try to seduce someone with money, I suppose.)

How long would it take a young child or preteen to find themselves in a potentially dangerous situation on this site? Based on my experience, no time at all.

I don't know about you, but I'll be having a talk with my kids tonight about how sites like this have the potential to dehumanize people and cheapen human relationships.

What I won't be doing is pretending that the site doesn't exist. Odds are they already know about it. What's hot with adults tends to be even hotter with preteens and teens, after all. They're the most wired generation ever. Our job as parents is to help them make sense of what they're seeing on the other side of the screen and to help them develop healthy relationships both online and in the real world.

Finding True Friendship and Using Your Voice the Themes of These Fab New Picture Books for Kids

Family Day is a great day for reading to (or with) someone you love. (There's no age limit on sharing a great book, after all.) You may want to pick up copies of these two brand new picture books -- new from Kids Can Press for spring 2010.

C'mere Boy! by Sharon Jennings. Illustrated by Ashley Spires. Kids Can Press, 2010. Hardcover, $18.95 Canada. $16.95 U.S. Ages 3-7.

Dog wants a Boy in the worst way possible, and won't be deterred by any attempts to dissuade him. The story is fun (because it's the opposite of the usual boy-wants-dog tale) and the illustrations are awesome (hint: nothing in the world is as colorful as Dog until he meets the Boy who finally wins his heart). This is a feel-good tale of love and friendship that you'll enjoy as much as your kid.

Willow's Whispers by Lana Button. Illustrated by Tania Howells. Kids Can Press, 2010. Hardcover, $18.95, Canada. $16.96 U.S. Ages 3-7.

Willow has a quiet voice. Her words come out in whispers that are too tiny to hear. She wishes things were different because her quiet voice is leading to all kinds of missed opportunities at school. Fortunately, a creative solution (and some wise words tucked away in her memory) save the day for Willow, who finds her "own big strong voice" and the courage to be a leader. If you know a shy child (or you ever were a shy child!) you'll be cheering for Willow every step of the way.

iPhone Apps for Parents and Kids: Can't We Do Better Than This?

Late last week, I purchased an iPhone: my very first smartphone. And like every other newbie iPhone owner, I immediately started scouting out apps (those tiny applications that allow the iPhone to morph into a flashlight, a construction level, a dictionary, bubblewrap, and pretty much anything else you can imagine. Or so it would seem).

One of the first categories I decided to check out what was on offer for parents and kids.

Parent apps

A lot of the apps that I looked at for parents seem to be out of touch with what parents would love to see in an app, circa 2010. Instead of designing these apps by considering what the technology can contribute to the lives of parents, the designers appear to have taken the opposite approach: a lot of app designers have designed iPhone apps by considering what the technology can do and then looking for a fit with the lives of parents. (It's a subtle but important difference.) That's why there are an abundance of contraction timers, baby activity trackers, and other similar apps: it's easy to program a piece of software to keep track of the metrics of parenting. It takes a lot more upfront thinking and planning to design an app that would function as the iPhone equivalent of a mom or dad brain.

Kid apps

Many apps for preschoolers seem to fall into a similar trap. You'll find flash card apps galore for babies and toddlers – this despite the fact that flash cards have been out of favor with the majority of parents for the past two decades. (Remember all those jokes about 1980s yuppie parents and their flash card obsessions? They eventually learned that a baby can learn the word "ball" even more effectively by drooling over a real ball.)

I talked to Allison McDonald of the popular parenting and early childhood education site No Time for Flash Cards about the iPhone flash cards app phenomenon. As I had anticipated, she wasn't overly impressed either.

"In general my opinion about flash cards are that they are simply not appropriate teaching tools for young children. Memorization is not learning: ...parrots can recite Shakespeare [but that] doesn't mean they understand it. They have merits for things like sight words, and when memorization is needed, but not when learning foundations for further knowledge, or when comprehension is the goal. Young children should be learning through play, being able to manipulate, associate context, and be creative. A static card is incapable of that.

"Flash cards aren't likely an experience a child will remember and cherish. They don't develop a love of learning. That to me as a mom and educator is paramount for this age group. That love will stay with a child throughout their life if the foundations are laid early on."

McDonald is also frustrated with the marketing messages accompanying some of the iPhone flash card apps. For example: "Just choose the set and your child can do the rest." (I was fascinated by the marketing tagline for OccupyBaby: the app designed to "calm, entertain, and educate babies, toddlers, and kids." Translation: "it will do whatever you want it to do for whatever age of kid you have. Just click and buy.")

Screen time, anyone?

And then there are those screen time recommendations for kids to keep in mind (the American Pediatric Society recommends no screen time at all for kids under two; the Canadian Society of Pediatrics suggests a limit of no more than one to two hours per day for any member of the family). An iPhone or an iTouch is, after all, a tiny little screen, adorably packaged as it may be.

"To me these are huge red flags," McDonald explains. "Young children should not be handed an iPhone to learn from alone. A baby should be on the floor exploring the things on the flashcards with their parents. The babies will learn the same things by experiencing them through all their senses: not just watching them on a screen. Sit down and read, point out the pictures, and talk to your baby and they won't need flash cards."

McDonald also worries about the effect on kids if parents develop a bad case of one-app-manship: "My final concern is that these apps add fuel to the fire that parents feel pressure to keep up with their neighbours' child who is reading at age two and speaking three languages. We all need to chill out, let our kids develop their own interests, and use those [interests] as a launching pad for learning."

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So tell me: have I missed your favorite iPhone app for parents or for kids? (There are a lot of apps in that iTunes store, after all!) Have you been dazzled -- or disappointed -- by an iPhone app that you purchased to make your life as a parent easier or better? I'd love to hear what you have to say. Please post your comments below and let other parents who might be interested in having their say know that we're having this conversation here. Thanks!