Office Politics for Parents

Someone in your family is totally bummed that the March Break is almost over. They've been moping around the house all day.

This person is a grownup.

While most of us get hit with the occasional urge to go AWOL from work (that blast of spring weather we enjoyed last week could have lured even the most die-hard workaholic outdoors), if you find that you consistently dread going to work, office politics could be to blame.

But I don't want to play the game....

Given that office politics are a fact of life in most workplaces, learning how to play the game (at least enough to avoid being taken out of the game) has become a necessary evil. As Rona Maynard noted in a recent article written for the popular workplace behavior site OfficePolitics.com:

"Now more than ever, niceness won’t get you very far. How much do higher-ups really know about what you do and why it matters? ... The rewards in any organization go to those who are seen to succeed, week in and week out. You don’t have to be a shameless self-promoter who hogs all the credit for shared achievements. But if you don’t share good news about your work, you can’t expect anyone to notice."

And as for dealing with bosses or co-workers who bully, twist the facts, or hoard information?

Those have become workplace survival skills, too.

Franke James, founder and CEO of OfficePolitics.com has produced a fun and informative guide to mastering those those games you wish people wouldn't play.

The book (which can also be played as a game) allows you to try your hand at playing HR guru as you confront one nasty political situation after another. Themes include office princesses, coworkers who steal all the credit, and bosses who tolerate office bullying.

The parenting connection

So what do office politics have to do with parenting?

More than you might think.

Spending your day playing political snakes-and-ladders can zap you of your energy and your patience by the time you switch into family mode. So the more skilled you become at avoiding the snakes and holding on tight to those ladders, the happier you'll be both on and off the job.

There could also be an added perk, as you become more politically savvy. The better you become at dealing with power plays at work, the better you'll be able to coach your kids on dealing with Machiavellian moves on the playground. Or at preschool. After all, politics aren't just for grownups (unfortunately): they're a kid thing, too.

Dear Office Politics: The Game Everyone Plays by Franke James. Nerdheaven, Ltd: Toronto, Ontario, 2009. Winner of a 2010 AXIOM Business Book Award (Bronze, Human Resources and Training). Paperback, 138 pages. $36.49 U.S.

Related:

Job Stress Can Affect Your Children

How to Frog-Proof Your Daughter

"Until you value yourself, you'll probably be afraid to go out with a Prince. Subconsciously, you understand that life is a mirror: if you don't feel good about yourself – if you don't like yourself – you'll make choices that reflect that lack of self-worth. You'll see a Frogette in your reflection if you're insecure, and a Princess if you know you deserve a Prince."
- Kaycee Jane, Frog or Prince: The Smart Girl's Guide to Boyfriends

It can be frustrating – even heartbreaking -- to watch your daughter date a frog.

You know she deserves better, but until she figures that out for herself, she's likely to be drawn to the fly-eating guys rather than anyone even remotely resembling a Prince.

But what's a frog-phobic parent to do?

Pick up a copy of Frog or Prince: The Smart Girl's Guide to Boyfriends by Kaycee Jane – a fun, tell-it-like-it-is guide to loving yourself enough to insist on being treated well in relationships. Read the book yourself (to gain insights into what your daughter may be thinking and experiencing so that you'll be better equipped to support her) and then pass the book along to your daughter (in the hope that she'll read it). Then have a heart-to-heart conversation with her about healthy relationships and self-respect. (You can't have one without the other. Really.)

Frog or Prince – which is aimed at young women who are trying to make sense of the often crazy-making world of dating relationships – encourages young women to figure out what they want for themselves in life; and what they are (and aren't) willing to accept in their dating relationships; and then gives them the tools they need to evaluate their relationships in those terms.

Jane includes a series of fictionalized relationship scenarios to illustrate relationships gone – or going – wrong and to demonstrate how women can dig themselves out of relationship ruts by rewriting the scripts that have led to unhappy outcomes (and attracted a steady stream of frogs) in the past.

She also makes the crucial point that you don't have to have a Prince in your life in order to be happy. (Consider the Prince a nice bonus, if, in fact, you want a Prince at all. Being happy with yourself and the life you're creating for yourself is what really counts.)

Kaycee Jane. Frog or Prince: The Smart GIrl's Guide to Boyfriends. Kaycee Jane Enterprises Corp. 2009. Paperback, 230 pages, $29.95. Available from Amazon.ca and other outlets.

Highly recommended. An iPhone app featuring the various relationship analysis tools that Jane has developed would make a perfect companion to the book. If the app were programmed in a way that allowed the user to set his/her own and his/her partner's sex, more youth could benefit from Kaycee Jane's excellent material.

Ann Douglas is the co-author (with her daughter Julie Douglas) of Body Talk: The Straight Facts About Fitness, Nutrition, and Feeling Great About Yourself.

Good Girls Do....

When we were growing up, my three sisters and I used to entertain ourselves by holding meetings of The Good Girls' Club. I was the club's president. (I must confess. In a terribly undemocratic move, I appointed myself president. The power of being the oldest sister must have gone to my head. It never even occurred to me to hold elections.)

The Club was mainly about celebrating being girls – sisters, more specifically. That "we are sisters" thing can be a pretty powerful bond when your only brother is a Boston Terrier.

I'm not sure where we picked up the "good" piece. Perhaps at church, school, Brownies, or Girl Guides. Or by tuning into way too many reruns of The Brady Bunch – or Romper Room before that. All I know is that we learned the good girl rules early in life. Work hard. Make other people happy. And don't rock the boat.

* * *

I played by those rules for many years. Sometimes I still find myself playing by them: that's how hard-wired they are. I don't have a problem with the first two rules, provided they are practiced in moderation: that they are balanced off with time for fun and making yourself happy, too. It's the third rule that gives me grief. While we like to think we've come a long way (baby) since the 1950s, when it comes to boat-rocking, we're still very much tied to the dock.

* * *

My women's studies courses at the University of Toronto were the first place I got permission to rock the boat. (I know: it's kind of pathetic that someone had to give me permission to rock the boat, but remember, you're dealing with the founding president of the Good Girls Club here. Baby steps. Baby steps.)

But rock it I did. I participated in the 1985 International Women's Day March in Toronto, the year the march wound its way through the streets of downtown Toronto, into the Eaton Centre; and then shut down the flagship Eaton's store. We were there to support the store's largely-female workers, whose newly formed union was on strike, trying to secure better working conditions. It was a powerful moment. The store filled with women: women supporting other women in their quest for respect and decent jobs.

* * *

Fast forward 25 years to the International Women's Day March that took place yesterday. Here we are, a quarter century later, and women are still marching for the very same reasons. Even worse, the rights clock has been spinning backwards since the Harper government came to power. The Harper government's cuts to Status of Women Canada (closing 12 of its 16 offices) and its decision to shift its focus away from research and advocacy are all about not rocking the boat.

I spend a lot of time thinking about these issues: about what I can to turn the tide against the various types of injustice and inequity that have become part of the status quo in this country. As I mark International Women's Day tomorrow, I'll be thinking about all the strong and decent people I know who are working to reverse the backwards spinning of the rights clock. Knowing they are writing letters, showing up for protest marches, making phone calls, and otherwise making their voices heard will keep me working for a better Canada. To keep rocking the boat.

Good girls do that, you know. They do rock the boat.

Related:

The Toronto Star: Canadian Women's Rights in Decline
The Toronto Star: Women Getting Less of Tories' Cash

It's O'Reilly's Decision to Close ARM: York University Spokesperson

This is the third in a series of posts regarding the crisis facing the Association for Research in Mothering.

Part I: Mothers Rally to Save Association for Research on Mothering

Part II: Interview with Andrea O'Reilly: ARM's Mama Speaks Frankly About What's Ailing Her Baby

Part III consists of answers I received in response to a series of questions that I submitted to York University officials yesterday morning. I received written responses to those questions from York University spokesperson Keith Marnoch this evening.

Why hasn't York University agreed to ARM's requests for $20,000 in institutional support (as detailed here). (.pdf)

Marnoch: Over time, ARM has received significant financial support from the Faculty of Liberal Arts & Professional Studies and York University. It is Professor O'Reilly who has apparently decided to close the Association.  The Association operates outside of the University - it is not an organized research unit – or research centre.

York’s concerns with the association relate principally to issues of financial management and accountability.  York has made numerous efforts to address these concerns with Professor O'Reilly and we have not been able to come to an agreement that is satisfactory to both parties.

What factors are considered in deciding whether a particular research centre receives funding?

Marnoch: ARM is an Association -- not an organized academic research unit or centre -- as part of  its Association work it has a press, runs conferences and produces a journal - these are all quite different functions and require different resourcing.

How does ARM's record of achievements (on zero funding) compare to the records of achievement of other research centres?

Marnoch: ARM is not a research centre.  They have a wonderful record of achievement largely reflecting the research [of] one scholar at York - its founder.  ARM has made significant research contributions and has put research on mothering into the academy.  At no point has either the Faculty or the University disputed the international research contributions of the ARM.

Does the university have a mandate to fund certain types of research?

Marnoch: There are many internal and external types of research that operate through the VPRI and individual Faculties.  http://www.yorku.ca/research

Do partners (corporations or government) have a voice in establishing research priorities for the university? (In other words, do federal or provincial governments grants require that research dollars be used for business or scientific research as opposed to humanities research?) Must a return-on-investment be demonstrated?

Marnoch: Yes they do - largely in the realm of accounting and in dissemination of research results.

Note: Please read my interview with ARM founder-director Andrea O'Reilly (Part II in this series) for her perspective on the situation.

Interview with Andrea O'Reilly: ARM's Mama Speaks Frankly About What's Ailing Her Baby

Andrea O'Reilly is one straight-talking mother. She'll tell you the truth, even if it's not necessarily in her own best interest to be quite so honest or forthcoming with the facts.

Her tell-it-like-it-is style has won the hearts of mothers around the world over the past dozen years, since what O'Reilly describes as the "unplanned birth" of the Association for Research on Mothering.

And it has earned her major kudos from the students who have taken her courses at York University over the past 30 years.

It hasn't served her quite as well in trying to secure funding for her baby: despite its international reputation and stellar academic achievements, the Association for Research on Mothering has been denied any institutional support from York, where it lives, even though O'Reilly insists that ARM would be able to break even – and avoid closing its doors – if the university were to contribute $20,000 in institutional support each year. (A typical centre receives $60,000 to $150,000 per year.)

To date, that request has gone unheard.

***

You would think that York would be proud to be associated with ARM; that it would be doing whatever it could to offer the combination of cash and institutional resources (postage, staffing support, whatever: O'Reilly isn't picky) to keep the association afloat. Unfortunately, round-peg ARM has never managed to fit in to the increasingly square-peg environment at York.

"ARM's birth was unplanned. It just happened. We didn't follow standard procedures that would have taken eight years to get through Senate. And, after ARM was born, I was shocked to discover that it wasn't enough to beg for forgiveness [for not going through proper administrative channels ahead of time] if what you gave birth to thrived."

And thrived it has. "There isn't a single research centre at York that does everything we do," says O'Reilly. "We have members who pay for memberships, we hold three conferences each year, we publish a journal (Journal of the Association for Research on Mothering), and we have a book publishing program (Demeter Press)."

The only thing that ARM lacks is the research centre designation that would help to ensure its survival. (Only research centers are eligible to receive funding from the university). That would allow ARM to top up the SSHRC grants that it has been so successful in securing (O'Reilly has obtained 16 grants worth $500,000 on behalf of ARM over the years: a major achievement for a humanities-based association) with the base funding needed to balance its books.

ARM has had to contend with some additional challenges en route to funding nirvana.

The first – the fact that ARM is an organizational anomaly at York – has been a long-standing problem for the association. "We're bigger than a centre in that our scope extends far beyond the university," O'Reilly explains, noting that ARM has members (mothers and/or scholars) around the world. "Our success has become a liability for us because we're both different and bigger."

Finding funding for an association that veers away from traditional ways of approaching the study of mothering has posed additional challenges. "If we were doing traditional child-centered or health-centered research into mothering, it wouldn't have been so difficult."

Add to that the convergence of two noteworthy and disturbing trends -- what O'Reilly describes as "the marginalization of liberal arts and women's studies, with studies of motherhood being the most marginalized area of all; and the corporatization of university culture" -- and you get some small sense of the frustration that O'Reilly has been facing.

"I'm not a scholar anymore. I'm an entrepreneur. I run around and hustle for cash."

***

So what does the future hold for ARM?

O'Reilly has no idea.

"We don't know how this thing is going to play out. We may stay at York. We may end up moving. We are open to any and all options."

What she does know is that things are looking up, thanks to ARM's supporters. "I have been revitalized and rejuvenated by the Tsunami of support" (including a fundraising effort to save ARM).

She admits to being shocked (and she's not someone who is easily shocked) by the number of emails that poured in during the first 24 hours after the letter announcing ARM's intention to close (.pdf) was sent out on Tuesday.

"Hell has no fury like pissed off mothers. The letters said, 'ARM's my baby and you can't do this to her!' The degree of passion in the letters has blown my mind. 'I got your email and I just wept.' 'I need your research because it saved my life.' There were 100 different stories."

Buoyed by her supporters,  O'Reilly has a message for "the suits" at York:

"York should be ashamed that one of its most successful initiatives -- an association that models everything York stands for, including inter-disciplinary and multi-disciplinary studies and projects that bring together scholars and activities -- is closing because of a lack of funding."

Let's hope someone is listening.

Note: I still have not received a response to my request for an interview from officials at York University. Perhaps The Star 's Andrea Gordon will have more luck. She is following this story, too.

Reminder: You can support O'Reilly and ARM by taking these THREE simple actions – and by joining the brand new Friends of The Association for Research on Mothering Facebook group.

Related posts:

MomsRising: Feminist Philosphers: Association for Research on Mothering is Closing

PlainsFeminist: Closure of the Association for Research on Mothering

Pickle Me This: The Association for Research on Mothering, and Me

PhDinParenting: A Day in the Life of Marginalizing Fringe Groups in Canada

 

Mothers Rally to Save Association for Research on Mothering (ARM)

The moment that word hit the street (letter) that the Association for Research on Mothering was being forced to close its doors, the mothers started talking.

At first, the mothers were shocked and saddened as they tried to come to terms with news of the pending death of a dear friend. But then, almost immediately, the mood shifted to anger and a need to take action: a refusal to allow this precious resource – a friend to mothers worldwide – to slip away without a fight.

Why ARM matters

ARM has played a powerful role in the lives of mothers, both here in Toronto and around the world, over the past 12 years. It has hosted conferences, published books and journals, and served as a focal point for research in mothering. But, more than that, it has given women a voice at a time in their lives when many have felt voiceless – or that their experiences weren't being accurately represented by the mainstream culture.

"Association for Research on Mothering was one of the few organizations that took the practice of mothering and what it means to be a mother seriously. In a world that either ignores mothers (save for one Sunday a year) or views us only as a consumer group, ARM gave mothers from all walks of life a real voice," says Jen Lawrence of Toronto

"I never completed university; never majored in Women's Studies. A scholar, I am not. But as a mother, writer and editor, I have benefited greatly from the work of ARM and Andrea O'Reilly [founder-director of the Association for Research on Mothering]," adds Nadine Silverthorne of Toronto. "Whether it's reading well-written, thought-inspiring essays on motherhood, or attending one of ARM's conferences or gatherings, ARM sees motherhood as more than a task or a series of obligations. ARM studies modern mothers from all backgrounds, debates our arguments and brings the world the stories of diverse, brilliant women I feel proud to stand beside. ARM has helped me feel connected to others in my situation, to see similarities with women I might not have considered as peers. It would be a great shame to let this organization disintegrate."

"ARM gave many mothers community," explains May Friedman, who recently edited a book for Demeter Press, the Association for Research on Mothering's book publishing arm. "For those of us who were seeing a disconnect between what we were told about motherhood and what we experienced, ARM gave us a context beyond our individual rage in which to congregate and discuss and raise our consciousness. I am frustrated and outraged that it is closing -- I cannot help but wonder if this would occur to a research centre with a different, non-maternal mandate.  I think it is shortsighted on the part of the university and unrepresentative of the current trend in academic thought toward research on mothering/motherhood. In short -- I think it sucks."

"I was astounded to discover that ARM wasn't receiving any institutional support from York," says Kate Sanagan of Toronto. "What they are asking for is such a small amount: $20,000. Then I started thinking about the power of moms online and how we could brainstorm ways to resurrect ARM; to help them to move toward a more sustainable model."

Sanagan and a group of ARM supporters that is growing in number by the hour (you can add your name to the list by emailing Sanagan at ksanagan@gmail.com) have committed to working together to raise that $20,000. The group expects to have a Facebook Page up shortly and will be tapping into all kinds of other online tools to keep the great ideas flowing. Judging by the early discussions on Twitter and the number of emails that have been flowing, the mothers agree: ARM must be saved. After all, ARM has been there to support mothers for the past dozen years. Isn't it time to return the favour?

How you can help

Andrea O'Reilly, Founder-Director of the Association for Research on Mothering, is urging ARM's supporters to take the following actions:

1. Write a letter of support on ARM's behalf to a select group of officials at York University. Their names and email addresses are listed in the letter announcing the closure of ARM (see link in top line of this post) as well as here and here).

Note: Please cc your letter to arm@yorku.ca and aoreilly@yorku.ca and please ask others who are concerned about the future of the Association for Research in Mothering to write letters as well.

2. Pass along any leads you may have (or any contacts you may have) with regard to funding for ARM to arm@yorku.ca or aoreilly@yorku.ca

or to

Association for Research on Mothering (ARM)
Demeter Press
206T Founders, York University
4700 Keele Street
Toronto, ON,
Canada, M3J 1P3

3. Purchase Demeter Press titles (view catalogue here and then place your order by mail, sending a cheque payable to Demeter Press).

Finally, Don't forget to let Kate Sanagan know if you're willing to help with the effort to save ARM. 

Note: I will be interviewing ARM founder-director Andrea O'Reilly later this afternoon. And I have requested an interview/comment from officials at York University. I will keep you posted as this story continues to develop.

Related Posts:

Parentopia: The Association for Research on Mothering Needs a Forever Home

Viva La Feminista: Women's History Month: Association for Research on Mothering