Dear Lemon Lima: The Short Film - A Review

If your experience of being 12 or 13 was anything like mine, you don't need a film like Dear Lemon Lima to help you to understand what adolescence can be like for a kid who is socially awkward, a loner, and/or a bit of a geek. That time in your own life now represents your own personal benchmark for hell.

If, however, you have nothing but fond memories of the years when you reigned as Queen of the Sleepover Circuit or King of the Street Hockey League – and you can't understand why your 12-year-old is more the reclusive caterpillar than the social butterfly – you may want to watch the short film Dear Lemon Lima with your preteen or teen.

Dear Lemon Lima | Artvoice TV

Available for download on iTunes for $1.99, Dear Lemon Lima is a short film (11:54) about bouncing back after first heartbreak with Mr. Oh-So-Wrong (a 12-year-old who acts like a graduate of a soul-extracting franchise management program) and finding true friendship (with other kids who are marching to the sound of their own drummer).

The movie is funny and charming; and it provides a natural launching pad for conversations about what it's like to be a creative or sensitive person in a sometimes unthinking or unfeeling world: how it takes courage to walk that path, but how much easier that journey becomes once you find a community of like-minded souls to share the journey with.

The world can be a terribly lonely place when you're a square-peg 12 year old stuck in a classroom of round-peg kids: you need to know that there are triangular- and rectangular- and octagonal- and, yes, even square-peg kids waiting to meet you in the land of high school and beyond. You're only 12 for 365 days, after all, even if it feels like it lasts forever.

Note: Don't confuse the short film Dear Lemon Lima (11:54, released 2010, which filmmaker Suzi Yoonessi made as her thesis film while completing Columbia University's Graduate Film program) with the feature film Dear Lemon Lima (87 minutes, 2009, also directed by Yoonessi, but with a different tone and flavor).

The Sex Ed Files - Part III of III in a Series About Sex Education

Want to do more homework about sex ed? Here are some additional resources you may want to check out as you research the sex education issue.

What Kids Have to Say About Sex Ed

Poll question: Do you feel like you were given the sex education you needed?

66% of 848 site visitors responded negatively. The responses were as follows:

• 45% (381 votes) "I'm still waiting to get the education I need and/or I had to just find it myself
• 21% (178 votes) "Too late; I felt I needed it before I received it."
• 23% (197 votes) "At exactly the right time: I think I got it just at the age I needed it."
• 11% (92 votes) "I felt too young for the education I was given."

Source: Scarleteen.com  Poll results as of 8:52 pm Sunday April 25, 2010.

The Big Talk

"Parents are often reluctant to talk to their children about sex. When they do, the information they provide is often more about physiological changes than about the emotional terrain that accompanies sexuality or about managing one's own sexuality appropriately and healthfully."
- Youth, Pornography and the Internet by Dick Thornburgh and Herbert S. Lin, editors. Quote is taken from Chapter 5: Children, Media, and Exposure to Sexually Explicit Material.

The Abstinence Debate

2007 Study on Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Education Programs

A nine-year congressionally mandated evaluation of U.S. federally-funded abstinence-only-until-marriage education programs has found that they have no beneficial impact on young people’s sexual behavior. "Program recipients were no more likely than non-recipients to delay sexual initiation, and when they did become sexually active, program recipients had the same number of sexual partners and were no more likely to use condoms or other forms of contraception.... Comprehensive sex education has been shown in numerous studies by well-respected researchers both to delay sex and to increase contraceptive use."

2010 Study on Abstinence-Focused Education Programs
A smaller study conducted by Professor John B. Jemmott III of University of Pennsylvania and published in the Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine looked at abstinence-focused programs for sixth and seventh graders at four public middle schools serving low-income African-American communities. The study found that one-third of the sixth and seventh graders who finished the abstinence-focused program started having sex within the next two years, as compared to almost half of the students who had other sex education classes (information about both abstinence and contraception), who became sexually active within two years.

Planned Parenthood of Houston and Southeast Texas issued the following statement in response to the release of the University of Pennsylvania study:

"This new study highlights a program that is very different from the failed 'abstinence-only' programs that teach misleading information, including assertions that condoms don’t work. Unlike traditional “abstinence-only” programs, the program in this study emphasizes abstinence, but does not disparage condoms, does not use a moralistic tone, and does not contain inaccurate information. In fact, this program would not have been eligible for Bush-era “abstinence-only” funding because it was not designed to meet the federal criteria for “abstinence-only” programs. This program would likely be eligible for the new sex ed/teen pregnancy prevention programs under the Obama administration, since it is medically accurate. This study adds new information to the library of existing research on the types of sex education programs that are effective and those that are ineffective. Planned Parenthood has always advocated for teaching sex education that emphasizes abstinence as the best way to avoid unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, but that also provides young people with medically accurate, age-appropriate information about healthy communication, responsible decision making, contraception and disease prevention."

Planned Parenthood of New Jersey: Abstinence-Only Sex Education
A history of abstinence-only sex education in the U.S., as provided by Planned Parenthood of New Jersey.

Sex Education: News and Trends

Vancouver Sun: Ontario's sex-ed controversy nothing new: Experts

"Studies in different parts of the country have consistently found that more than 85 per cent of parents support sex-ed programs and that a majority of parents approve of topics that range from puberty and reproduction, to birth control and sexual orientation."

Harassment by Q & A: Initial Thoughts on Formspring.me by Danah Boyd
Emerging issues related to sexual bullying and gender identity, as detailed in a brand new essay by social anthropologist Danah Boyd. "Formspring was not designed as a place for harassment, but some teens have clearly leveraged it to do precisely that, while others are using it to continue the long history of quizzes and surveys.  Why the different practices?  I'm not at all surprised that semi-anonymity results in people asking crass questions, but why are teens responding publicly for all of their peers to see?  What is it about today's cultural dynamics that encourages teens to not only act tough when they're attacked but to actively share the attacks of others as a marker of toughness pride?"

Proposed Changes to the Ontario Sex Education Curriculum

Three page summary (.pdf) of the proposed changes to the curriculum. For a more detailed analysis, see Part I in this series. You'll also want to read ParentCentral.ca editor Brandie Weikle's editorial on this subject.

Facebook Group: I Support Sexual Health Education Changes in Ontario:
A discussion group for those who support changes to the Ontario sexual education curriculum.

Petition in Support of Changes to the Sex Education Curriculum: The petition text reads as follows: "We, the undersigned, call on Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty and the Ontario government to go forth with intended changes to Ontario's sexual education curriculum beginning September 2010."

The Sex Information and Education Council of Canada
The Sex Information and Education Council of Canada (SIECCAN) is a national registered charitable organization founded in 1964 to foster professional education and public knowledge about sexuality and sexual health. SEICCAN publishes Sexual Health Education in the Schools: Questions and Answers. You can download a copy (in .pdf format) from the organization's website.

Shaping a Culture of Respect in Our Schools: Promoting Safe and Healthy Relationships: Safe Schools Action Team Report on Gender-Based Violence, Homophobia, Sexual Harassment, and Inappropriate Sexual Behavior in Schools (.pdf)
A report, submitted to the Ontario government in December 2008, which makes specific recommendations about preventing and addressing gender-based violence, homophobia, sexual harassment, and inappropriate sexual behaviour by students towards other students and removing barriers to reporting such incidents in order to help students succeed and re-engage in school.

Note: (Parts I and II in this series also contain links to some other resources that you may find useful.)

Why Sex Education Matters: Interview with the Founder of Scarleteen - Part II in a Series

Think this generation of kids knows everything it needs to know about sex – and then some?

Think again, We may be raising our kids in a culture that's obsessed with sex, but we aren't doing a very good job of teaching them about sex. In fact, according to Heather Corinna, founder of Scarleteen, a website that has been answering teens' questions about sex for the past dozen years, we haven't even managed to equip them with the basic vocabulary.

"We have teens apologizing for not having using the right language, not having the right information about how their bodies work. In what other area of knowledge do we make people feel bad about themselves for not knowing? At Scarleteen, we tell the teens, 'It's everybody else's fault but yours that you don't know.' "

Ignorance is not bliss

An advocate for "inclusive, healthy, and sex-positive sex education," Corinna feels we should be providing teens with the information they need to stay safe and make informed choices. For that to happen, the conversation needs to start while your child is still quite young.

"You don't want your child to end up in sexual situations too early. Ignorance enables that to happen. Silence gives them the message, 'I'm not supposed to talk about it.' It prevents them from talking about it. And it leaves them vulnerable to predatory adults. If you don't know the name for a particular body part, it's pretty hard to tell someone you've been touched there."

I'm okay, you're okay – and so is your family

Talking about gender identity helps children to understand that it's possible for a boy to love another boy – just as it's possible for a girl to love another girl. The world isn't just made up of boy and girl couples.This conversation doesn't just become relevant when kids start dating. It is relevant the moment a young child begins to notice that not all families are the same.

"It's about talking about these kids' families, making these kids visible, Corinna explains. "And sending some implicit messages about who these kids might end up loving."

The consequences of such conversations could be far-reaching.

"It might be possible to decrease how much people are going to get bullied. It might reduce the number of queer kids in junior high who commit suicide."

And about that sex thing....

Talking about sex is not the same thing as promoting sex.

The proposed curriculum encourages abstinence for as long as possible. So does Scarleteen.

But neither resorts to fear- or guilt-mongering in order to achieve that goal. And for good reason, says Corinna.

"Ideally, we want kids to get the idea that sex, at the right time, with the right person, is a good thing. We want them to be empowered and happy, to view sex as pleasurable; not to feel bad, to stumble into horrible relationships, to take unhealthy risks."

That's what I want for my kids. How about you?

Coming in Part III: The Sex Ed Files: A roundup of resources related to the sex ed debate.

No Need to Get Hot and Bothered About the New Sex Ed Curriculum – Part I of II

I don't know about you, but I don't like other people speaking for me when it comes to issues involving my kids. So when I heard that some parents were up in arms about the proposed changes to the sex ed curriculum for Ontario schools, I decided that I needed to research those changes for myself.

Getting my hands on the documents wasn't easy. The moment Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty pulled his initial support for the changes and announced that the curriculum changes were being put on hold, pending further review and consultations with parents, the documents were removed from the Ministry of Education website.

It took a bit of detective work, but I managed to track down a copy of the documents via the I Support Sexual Health Education in Ontario Facebook Group. I then proceeded to pour through the document, page by page,  zeroing in on the most relevant sections (download copy of chart).

This progressive, health-oriented curriculum – which covers so much more than sex education, incidentally – has the potential to change (and even save) kids' lives. If we can convince the government to go ahead with the curriculum as is (as opposed to bowing to pressure to water down the content), our kids will learn some very important lessons, starting at a very early age.

They will learn that every person is worthy of respect. This principle is all-inclusive and it permeates the entire curriculum. It applies to what they learn about body image, about physical fitness, about sexual health, and about healthy relationships. Here's a snippet that sets the tone for the rest of the document:

In an environment based on the principles of inclusive education, all students, parents, and other members of the school community – regardless of ancestry, culture, ethnicity, sex, physical or intellectual ability, race, religion, gender identity, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, or other similar factors – are welcomed, included, treated fairly, and respected. Diversity is valued, and all members of the school community feel safe, comfortable, and accepted. Every student is supported and inspired to succeed in a culture of high expectations for learning. In an inclusive education system, all students see themselves reflected in the curriculum, their physical surroundings, and the broader environment, so that they can feel engaged in and empowered by their learning experiences. (57)

They will learn that they don't have to tolerate bullying or abuse; and what healthy relationships are all about. They will learn that they don't have to tolerate being bullied because of body size or physical abilities or race or sexual orientation (or because they belong to a family that doesn't conform to the 1950s definition of what a Canadian family should look like: an image that continues to be over-reflected in our media); that they have the right to say no to being touched in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable (and what words to use to describe their body parts so that they can make it clear to adults and peers what body parts are off limits); and that healthy relationships at school, at home, and in the community are every child's right.

"Healthy relationships are based on respect, caring, empathy, trust, and dignity, and thrive in an environment in which diversity is honoured and accepted. Healthy relationships do not tolerate abusive, controlling, violent, harassing, or inappropriate behaviours." (55)

They will be given the information they need to make informed choices about their sexual health. In order to make the decision not to be sexually active until they are ready, kids have to have accurate information about what sex means—what it is.  This generation of kids may sound like they're in the know (based on the snippets of information that they've culled from the Internet or from a supposedly savvy peer), but that doesn't necessarily mean much. A 2006-2007 study conducted by researchers from Planned Parenthood, York University, the University of Toronto, Wilfrid Laurier University, and Toronto Public Health found that Ontario kids are far less informed about sex than we think they are. "Very surprising to us was that many kids were unsure about whether they had had sex or not," one of the study's authors, Sarah Flicker, a professor of environmental studies at York University, told CBC News at the time "And even among those who were unsure, some reported that they had engaged in oral sex, anal sex or vaginal sex."

That study recommended sweeping changes to the way sex education is taught in schools, including kicking off the conversation as early as kindergarten. That's what this curriculum is attempting to do (although starting at the Grade One level): to give our kids the information and self-advocacy skills they need to be informed, stay healthy, and develop loving relationships.

This sounds to me like the recipe for a healthier, happier generation of kids and a much less messed-up world.

I hope that vote-seeking politicians and special interest groups don't mess this up for our kids any more than they already have.

There's far too much at stake for the people in charge to lose sight of what really matters here: the health and well-being of the up-and-coming generation of kids.

Related:

Facebook: I Support Sexual Health Education in Ontario: A Facebook group for supporters of the new sexual health curriculum in Ontario.

NOTE: Stay tuned for Part II. I'll be interviewing Heather Corinna, founder of Scarleteen: Sex Education for the Real World, one of the most popular sex information web sites for teens, about why sex education matters.

Parents Can Change the World: 6 Reasons Why Parents Make Great Activists

So you want to save the planet, fix your country, or rally support to a cause that really matters to you. What you need to move your cause forward is a group of parents who are just as passionate about the cause as you are. Here are six reasons why parents make great activists.

1. Parents have a vested interested in working for change. They want to make the world a better place for their children -- and their children's children. (Grandparents are parents, too, and they have time as well as passion to invest in their volunteer work.)

2. Parents get the job done. "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." That's how the old saying goes. And parents are some of the busiest people on the planet. They are pros at squeezing 25 hours of living into a 24 hour day. So be clear about what you're trying to achieve before you recruit parents to your cause. They don't have time for wasted time.

3. Parents have received fabulous on-the-job training for activism simply by being parents. Parents are their children's strongest advocates; and the skills they have developed in advocating for their children's needs within the school system, the health care system, or in the community allow them to advocate for others who may not be able to advocate as effectively for themselves.

4. Parents have staying power. Parenthood is, after all, a marathon event, not a sprint. Parents are used to sticking things through, even when the going gets tough. Very tough. "Why did I sign up for this thing in the first place?" kind of tough. That's why parents are among the most passionate and committed volunteers.

5. Parents have thick skins and that they aren't easily put off by the hairy-eyeball stare. What parent hasn't been told "You're not my friend" (or worse) by a furious three-year-old; or been on the receiving end of the withering stare of a less-than-impressed 15-year-old? Standing firm as a parent isn't the easy thing, but it's the right thing to do. It's excellent preparation for the tough stands anyone working for change may attract (and the hairy-eyeball stares or nasty comments that be or she may attract).

6. Parents are incredibly connected. This generation of parents is wired. They may not always be able to hit the pavement with signs and strollers, or to attend every fund-raising event, but, if they support what you're marching for, they're only a text message away. What's more, being wired allows them to share their passion for your cause with friends and family members -- yet another benefit of working with parents.

Related:

People for Education: People for Education is a parent-led organization working to support public education in Ontario's English, French, and Catholic schools.

Moms Against Climate Change on Facebook: TakeActionOnClimateChange.com is an initiative that gives a voice to parents: the people who care most about protecting the future of our children.

Junction Parents: Clean Air for Clean Lungs: Information about a rally that was held at Queen's Park last year by this local environmental group.

The Worst Moms: What is it With Our Fascination With The Underbelly of Motherhood?

Oh how the Internet loves its lists. It particularly loves lists of the awful, the bizarre, and the outrageous. And if those lists of the worst of the worst happen to feature celebrities and/or people who could be your next door neighbor behaving badly, well, all the better, it would seem.

So it's hardly surprising that lists (or video clips) of parents doing incredibly stupid things have become an online phenomenon.

The "worst moms" genre appears to be particularly popular, highlighting the dubious achievements of all kinds of moms: fictional, famous, and newly infamous. Time Magazine's list of the Best and Worst Moms Ever draws from the world of entertainment and features Mrs. Robinson and The Mother from Pink Floyd's The Wall. Meanwhile, Momlogic.com's list of the 10 Worst Moms in History includes the wolf spider (infamous for eating its young). And Bookfinder.com's list of the 10 Worst Mothers in Literature features scary fairy-tale moms and freaky horror-novel moms alike.

So what types of sins against motherhood have these moms, real and imaginary, committed in order to score a mention on one of these lists? Everything from maternal disinterest to being too sexy to not having the perfect family to behaving like a garden-variety sociopath (or worse).

And what is it that fuels the fascination with the worst of the worst? A little homegrown parenting anxiety, perhaps?

As MomLogic.com Teresa Strasser columnist noted in the introduction to her feature, The 10 Worst Moms in History, "At seven months pregnant, coming up with this kind of list makes me feel better about my own mom potential. Thank you for lowering the bar, worst moms in history."

Gravity Pulls You In: Anthology About Parenting Kids on the Autism Spectrum

I had the privilege of contributing an essay to Kyra Anderson and Vicki Forman's fabulous new book Gravity Pulls You In: Perspectives on Parenting Children on the Autism.

My essay -- As Great as Trees -- describes the painful time period when my youngest son was asked to leave his school because the school wasn't able to deal with his behavior. (This was right before he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.)

Here's a short excerpt which describes his last day at his old school:

Ian says goodbye to his classmates on a Wednesday afternoon,
three weeks into fifth grade. His classmates present him
with a piece of goodbye cake. Conveniently, his birthday has fallen
the day before, so they are able to save him a piece of the birthday
cake they ended up eating without him—the downside of being suspended
from school on your very own birthday. When the decision
to suspend him evolves into a request (non-negotiable) that we withdraw
him, the birthday cake morphs into goodbye cake to go.       
(...continued)

If you'd like to get a sense of what the book is all about, you may want to read the other excerpts available on the book's website as well as the book's foreword (written by John Elder Robison, author of Look Me in the Eye).

I absolutely love contributing to anthologies. It's exciting to be part of a community of writers all celebrating the birth of the very same "baby." And what a baby you've given the ASD families of the world, Kyra and Vicki.

You should be very proud.

Gravity Pulls You In by Kyra Anderson and Vicki Forman. Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House, 2010. Paperback, $19.95. 33 essays and poems.

Related:

All posts on this blog that relate to Autism Spectrum Disorders

More Than a Mom.Net: A website created by Amy Baskin and Heather Fawcett, co-authors of More Than a Mom: Leading a Full and Balanced Life When Your Child Has Special Needs.

Aspergers Society of Ontario: A registered charity that "provides education, resources and support to individuals with AS, their families, educators, medical and mental health professionals, employers, government and the community, to enable individuals with AS to realize their potential as fully contributing members of their community."

Autism Ontario: A charitable organization that promotes "acceptance and opportunities for all individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders."

Braces: A Love Story

My 12 year old is getting his braces on right now.

It's a pretty standard childhood rite-of-passage. I wore braces when I was a kid. (Ditto with elastics and the dreaded retainer.) Who knows? You may have done your time in the orthodontic trenches, too.

I didn't think anything of it when one of my other sons got his braces, but I'm a bit more nervous about how my 12 year old – my child who has Aspergers – is going to react, both to the process of getting the braces cemented on his teeth and the inevitable afterpains as his mouth gets used to the new hardware.

We discovered a long time ago that my husband is better suited to the orthodontic beat than I am. He worries just as much as I do about these things, but he doesn't show it. (As I type this, my husband is either pretending to read magazines in the waiting room at the orthodontist's office, waiting for news on how our son is doing; or he's been called in to provide on-the-spot cheerleading and reassurance.)

My husband and my 12 year old have another tough mission ahead of them in the next few weeks: Operation Tooth Extraction. They've been through it together in the past; so I know they can do it again. And as for me? I'll be sitting across town, appreciating the fact that I was wise enough to pick a man who has the right stuff (the ability to be a great dental parent, among other things); and loving the fact that my 12 year old and his dad have always had a super-special bond.

It goes back to the very beginning, in the moments after my son was born. I had sustained a bad tear while giving birth and the midwives were busy attending to me, so my husband held our newborn baby boy for the longest time. I remember my husband speaking softly to him and welcoming him to our family; telling him about his brothers and his sister. This pregnancy (after my previous baby's stillbirth the year before) had been the longest 41 ½ weeks of my life. But now this baby was here, safe, cradled in my husband's arms.

Suddenly I felt safer, too - and ready to face the future as a family.