FilmPossible, Grandparent Care, and Teen Brains

FILMPOSSIBLE

Holland Bloorview is putting a call out to budding film-makers to enter filmpossible, a unique online video contest which will showcase the possibilities for children living with disabilities.

Film-makers have until Aug. 31 to submit their videos.

"Filmpossible is a unique opportunity for film-makers to dispel myths, perhaps by showcasing achievements or showing changes we can make," says Christa Haanstra, Senior Director, Communications and Public Affairs. "By entering this contest, you can help Holland Bloorview change the way the world views childhood disability."

I don't know about you, but I love the idea of this contest: putting the focus on the possible. After all, the world tends to do quite the opposite when your child is diagnosed with a disability: focusing on what may no longer be possible (at least according to some study or statistic). To find out how to enter, what you could win (yes, there are all kinds of fabulous prizes), and how the entries will be judged, visit the project's website, filmpossible.ca.

GRANDPARENT CARE

A recent article by BBC News education reporter Katharine Sellgren noted that the UK is lagging behind other European countries by failing to recognize the important role that grandparents play in providing childcare. (One in three mothers in the UK relies on her children's grandparents to provide childcare.)

According to Sellgren, steps taken by other EU countries to assist grandparents in providing care to their grandchildren included "allow [ing] parents to transfer parental leave to grandparents, letting working grandparents take time off if their grandchild is sick and, in some circumstances, paying them for the care they provided." (via Workplace Flexibility 2010.org). 

TEEN BRAINS

"One of the big discoveries [about adolescent health] has been about brain development. During adolescence there’s a massive pruning of the synapses [neural connections] of the brain, and this process doesn’t really stop until around age 24. And the last part of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex, which helps us in cognitive thought and making good decisions in our behavior. So that partially explains why teenagers are sort of known worldwide for their risk-taking behavior."
- Center for Adolescent Health director Freya Sonenstein, PhD, Director of the Center for Adolescent Health at the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, quoted in the current issue of John Hopkins Public Health Magazine.

Note: The Center for Adolescent Health has just published a guide to adolescent health entitled The Teen Years Explained. You can download a copy of the book (in .pdf format).

This is What Excellent Health Care Looks Like: Snapshot From My Family Album

My son had dental surgery earlier this week. Because he has a seizure disorder, everyone involved agreed that the best way to proceed would be to have the two teeth that needed to be removed taken out under general anesthetic at the local hospital.

The day before his surgery, he and I took a tour of the out-patient surgical department so he would know exactly what to expect before, during, and after his surgery.

We talked about what he'd experience once he was admitted to the hospital, who would be taking care of him, what types of anesthetic he would be receiving (a combination of skin-numbing cream, a needle, and nitrous oxide via a mask), and we walked the route he would be following on surgery day.

Everyone did what they could to help him to prepare, in other words.

But when it came time for us to part ways at the double-doors that led to the operating wing, he became upset. I hugged him and tried to reassure him.

At that point, a nurse interrupted me and told me I was welcome to go into the operating room, too. Someone handed me a giant blue bag. I started to put my briefcase and my purse inside it.

Apparently the bag was a not a bag. It was a pair of one-size-fits-some overalls. I was supposed to put it on over my denim skirt (no easy task, that) and don the matching hair net.

My son found this hilarious.

I was the last one to make it into the operating room, as a result of my wardrobe challenges. Things were moving quickly by this point. I stood beside my son's left shoulder, echoing the reassuring words of the nurses and doctors. "You're strapped on the table because they don't want you to fall off." "The doctor needs you to breathe deeply so you can get some of the anesthetic into your lungs." "I know it's scary." "I'm right here." "I'll be waiting for you when you wake up." "It's okay." "I love you."

"He's asleep," the nurse said. My eyes were watery and my voice was shaky when I left the room and surrendered my blue suit. But I was grateful.

I can't imagine how much more afraid he would have been if I hadn't been able to talk to him, hold his hand, and pat his chest while he was trying to make sense of the scary sensations of going under general anesthetic for the very first time.

Actually, I can. I remember what it was like, a generation ago, when kids had to make that journey through those doors in the company of strangers, without the reassuring presence of mom or dad. We are lucky that providing health care to a child today emphasizes the care as much as the health. That's how it should be.

Time Crunched? Oh, Yeah. Our Family Can Relate to New Study from Canadian Index of Well-Being

My husband is on his way home from work right now. He's planning to pick up some clothes, turn around, and drive back across the city so he can take care of his father while his mother is in the hospital. She's had another bad fall (the last one landed her in hospital for a month) and his father isn't able to live on his own. My mother-in-law, who is in her early 80s, is the sole caregiver for my father-in-law, who suffers from dementia and other serious health problems.

My husband is stressed to the max.

My stress level is on its way down, as of the past few days. (It's almost as if I, being finished with the stress baton, was kind enough to pass it along to him.)

I've spent the past 10 weeks trying to figure out what to do about our youngest son's school situation: a situation that went from bad to worse to untenable during this past semester. It's tough enough changing schools at the best of times, but when you're trying to find a school that is a good fit for a child on the autism spectrum, the search is that much more difficult because your options (or at least the options that you are willing to consider for your child) are more limited, particularly if you live in a medium-sized city.

Sometimes it can feel like there are no options at all: that you and your child will never find a school that can accommodate (let alone understand or appreciate) what your child has to offer. But it can happen. And when it does happen, you may be astounded by your willingness to put your trust in another school once again. (Where does this endless reservoir of hope come from, I wonder?) 

* * *

What a strange day it has been. In addition to fielding a call from a television reporter who had wanted me to be a guest on a TV segment discussing the latest study about time-crunched Canadians (I had to decline because I don't have time to make it to a TV studio today), I've had to (1) fill out paperwork related to an upcoming hospital visit for one of my kids; and (2) go grocery shopping so that I'd have food to serve the guests attending a fund-raising event I'm hosting tonight.

Are all days like this? Thankfully not. If they were, I'd have waved the white flag long ago. But enough days involve dealing with issues related to my youngest child's special needs or meeting the needs of other family members that I can never count on clocking 40 hours of work in a standard work week. It's taken me a while to figure this out: to realize that I need to adjust the too-high goals I have been setting for myself. Those goals might be attainable if I didn't have four kids; a husband who works long and unpredictable hours, and who is the sole caregiver to two aging parents with complex health needs. But given the choice between being able to be there for my family when they need me or knocking a few items off my to do list a little more quickly, well, there really is no choice to be made.

I do, however, wish that the system (educational, health care, social services – you name it) was more in synch with the needs of real families: that families didn't have to fight the same battles over and over in order to obtain badly needed services for their children or their aging parents. That would make advocating for a child with special needs and caring for aging parents a whole lot easier. And it would leave those of us who get stamped with that generic "caregiver" label with a little more time to nurture our relationships and ourselves.

Those are some of the issues that Caught in the Time Crunch (report) talks about (the report the television reporter wanted to interview me about). And that's what many of us who are living in the Land of Perpetual Time Crunch about talk about – and wish for – every day: a society that truly valued the work that parents and other caregivers do. The report has a lot of terrific recommendations and resources. And it's only 32 pages long. I hope you'll read it – when you can find the time.

Related:

Quiz from the Canadian Index of Wellbeing: Are You Caught in the Time Crunch?

The Pill, The Big Sell, The Unexplainable: Worth Quoting

THE PILL

 "It was the feminist movement that opened [the] doors [to new career opportunities for women]. The Pill allowed women to walk through."
    - Elaine Tyler May, discussing her book America and the Pill: A History of Promise, Peril and Liberation at the University of Minnesota website. (Read excerpt from her book at PBS.org.)

THE BIG SELL

"Commercialism is a factor in many of the public health and social problems facing children today. Childhood obesity, discontent about body image, eating disorders, sexualization, youth violence, family stress, underage drinking, and underage tobacco use are all linked to advertising and marketing. So is the erosion of creative play - the foundation of learning, creativity, and the capacity to make meaning of life. The underlying message of commercial marketing - i.e. the things we buy will make us happy - is a major factor in the acquisition of materialistic values, which has been linked to depression and low self-esteem in children."
    - Susan Linn, EdD, "The Commercialization of Childhood and Children's Well-Being: What is the Role of Health Care Providers?" Paediatrics and Child Health, April 2010.

THE UNEXPLAINABLE

...."I went to your mother’s room to try to explain the unexplainable. I saw your mother on her bed, still groggy from the medications, and my professional demeanour disappeared. A tiny baby blanket was spread on the little bed where you should have been ... At that moment, I was no longer a doctor. I was a mother facing another mother in distress. We didn’t know if you would pull through, and I couldn’t make any promises. We would have to see how the next few hours would unfold. I felt helpless and sad."
    - Christine Motheron, MD, "A Letter for You," Canadian Family Physician, January 2010.

When It Comes to Weaning, Slow is the Way to Go: VIDEO

Weaning Woes

I was asked to offer some advice to a mom who was interested in weaning her one-year-old daughter from breast to sippy cup. In this situation (mother-led weaning as opposed to baby-led weaning), the mother ends up playing a more active role in weaning than with baby-led weaning (when the mother follows the baby's lead and eliminates feedings when the baby is ready). Not all of my advice made it into the video. You can find some additional tips here.

The Do's and Don'ts of Naming Your Baby: VIDEO

Baby Names: DOs & DON'Ts

Note: I've just started contributing video segments to ParentsAsk. I'll be sharing them here, too. I hope you enjoy them.

Speed Dating to Find the Right Doula and Logging On to Find the Right Kid Stuff

Meeting the needs of today's generation of parents means coming up with innovative solutions that recognize that time is always in short supply and technology rules.

Doula Speed Dating

Up until now, finding the right doula has required a lot of research and even more good luck. But, thanks to the brainchild of Toronto doula Amanda Spakowski, moms-to-be and their partners are now able to make contact with a large number of doulas by attending a single event -- DoulaSpeedDating.™

DoulaSpeedDating is modeled after other types of speed-dating events -- where making a large number of connections in a minimum amount of time is the name of the game. Parents make their way around the room, spending about ten minutes with each doula, gathering information about the doula's fees, standards of practice, skills, and experience while gaining a sense of how well they would be able to work with this particular doula. "You have a pretty good idea within 10 minutes if you have a connection with that person," Spakowski explains. 

Doulas who wish to participate in DoulaSpeedDating are carefully pre-screened by Spakowski. To be eligible, a doula must be certified through a recognized doula training programme.

DoulaSpeedDating events are being offered in Toronto, Ottawa, and Vancouver. Spakowski plans to organize events in Calgary, Winnipeg, and Halifax in future as well, thanks to positive feedback from parents.

SwapSity.ca

Parents have always swapped kids stuff. And why not? It's a great way to recycle items your kids no longer need while acquiring stuff your kids do need in return. And now swapping has headed online. One of the most popular Canadian swap sites is SwapSity.ca - a site which features a variety of goods and services and which doesn't charge and transaction fees on trades. The site also organizes face-to-face swap meetups, which are as much about having fun as they are about trading kid gear. Talk about a win-win.

A Night When I Long to Be With Other Mothers

Usually, a night in a hotel room by myself is something I look forward to: an opportunity to crawl into bed early and fall asleep reading or watching TV. But tonight, instead of savoring the solitude, my heart is heavy and I'm longing to connect with the community of mothers so that we can make sense of this thing.

A mother who has cherished mothering as much as any among us will be burying her 18 year old son this weekend.

I am not violating any trust by letting you know that Katie Granju's much-loved son Henry passed away Monday. The news services are carrying the story. The backstory has been out there for weeks.

My heart is very much with Katie tonight. I am thinking about the searing pain of grief that will settle in once the initial shock and numbness subsides.

Katie is strong, resourceful, and has a massive support network in place, but, ultimately, grief is a solitary journey.

While Katie will be surrounded by friends and family members ready to walk beside her as she comes to terms with the death of her son, ultimately, she is the one who will have to find the courage to venture from Life With Henry to Life After Henry (the great dividing line in her life forevermore).

I am also thinking about the cruel and unthinking comments that people have made on various articles describing the events leading up to her son's death, linking the circumstances of Henry's death (an attack related to a drug deal gone terribly wrong) to her long-standing (and often outspoken) commitment to attachment parenting. As if an abundance of parental love could be bad for a child.

I have no doubt that Katie will find a way to make some good come out of this terrible tragedy. The Granju family has already announced plans for a scholarship fund to enable families who cannot afford to pay for needed drug and alcohol treatment programs for their children to obtain treatment for their children. (Donations may be sent to The Henry Louis Granju Memorial Scholarship Fund, c/o Administrator James Anderson, Morgan Stanley Smith Barney, 2000 Meridian Blvd, Suite 290, Franklin, TN, 37067).

What I worry about is Katie overlooking the need to take care of herself as she emerges from the hurricane of grief and dives into the whirlwind of post-grief activism.

That's why I'm tagging on this note for Katie, from one mother to another mother who has walked a similar (although not identical) path:

Katie, you are a unique and special person: a gifted writer; a passionate advocate on behalf of mothers and children; and a mother-to-be yet again. The best gift you can offer the world in the days ahead is the gift of a strong and revitalized you. You will be forever changed by this experience: that is a given. Don't run from grief and don't let it run over you. Let it flow through you. - Ann

Period Literature

Here's something you probably don't know about me. I collect vintage health and facts-of-life books and booklets aimed at preteen girls. My favorite subspecies of these types of publications? The "you're about to get your first period" booklet (which was typically given a much more subtle and/or gushing title): "You're growing up!" "You're becoming a woman!" One day soon I'll take you on a guided tour of my collection (I really am loving my new video camera just a little too much, aren't I?), but for now I want to tell you about two terrific new books aimed at the preteen or young teen girl, circa 2010.

My Little Red Book, edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff (New York: Hachette Book Group, 2009. Hardcover, 225 pages, $16.99), is an anthology of stories about first periods contributed by women of all ages from around the world. Nalebuff, who put the book together during her gap year, before heading off to study at Yale, has managed to do for menstruation with my little red book what Eve Ensler did for vaginas with The Vagina Monologues. By combining powerful stories (a mix of both funny and poignant) both authors manage to illustrate how the personal and the political can't help but intersect whenever women's bodies are involved. This is a smart and savvy book that mothers and daughters will enjoy sharing and discussing. Highly recommended. Visit the book's website for videos and other additional resources.

"What I remember most about my period is not getting it. And not getting it. And not getting it. I just could not get the thing, no matter how many white bikinis I wore, even on boats, without bringing a pad along just in case' no matter now many phantom cramps I willed into my uterus. Nothing."
- Rachel Vail, Not Getting It, 1980.
An essay in My Little Red Book, edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff

Girl in the Know: Your Inside-and-Out Guide to Growing Up by Anne Katz, RN, PhD. Illustrated by Monika Melnychuk (Toronto: Kids Can Press, 2010. Hardcover, 112 pages, $18.95) is a comprehensive guide to growing up for preteen girls. The book, which features fun-and-funky illustrations, covers everything from what you can expect when you get your first period to sensible advice on caring for your rapidly-changing body (fitness, nutrition, stress management, skin care, sexual health) to managing relationships. The book is packed with information that would never have found its way into a book of this type a generation ago - and that some folks would like to keep far, far away from girls of this generation, too. Masturbation and the possibility of a same-sex crush are discussed. There are even tips on choosing eco-friendly menstrual products, like menstrual cups and cloth pads. I tell you, this author is thorough. Highly recommended. See this teacher resource guide and tip sheet for moms for more info.

Ann Douglas is the co-author (with her daughter Julie Douglas) of Body Talk: The Straight Facts on Fitness, Nutrition, and Feeling Great About Yourself (Toronto: Maple Tree Press, 2006. Paperback, $9.95, 64 pages).

Dear Procter & Gamble: Your Mother-Daughter Websites About Menstruation Fail to Deliver, Period

Procter & Gamble, you can do so much better than this.

I had such high hopes for Momscorner.ca (which promises to deliver "a wealth of information to help moms broach the discussion about menstruation and answer questions in an open, honest manner") and Beinggirl.ca (a website for girls who are about to get their periods or who have just started menstruating) -- the two sites mentioned in the pitch I received from your PR company yesterday.

Unfortunately, the sites fail to deliver, period.

MomsCorner.ca

While Momscorner.ca features a few useful links and some helpful tips on talking to your daughter about menstruation, the site contains a lot of weak and irrelevant content (Make Friends With Her Inner Chocoholic, Create a Home Spa, Girls Rule); and the handful of articles that do address menstruation- and puberty-related topics are far too superficial to justify a stand-alone website for mothers. Also: Where are the mothers' voices? Mothers want to hear how other mothers have handled this conversation.

The one potentially appealing area of the site (Time travel, which invites mothers to share some of their middle school memories with their daughters) screams out for some multi-media and social media add-ons. Come-on, P&G: a text-only printable form simply isn't going to cut it for mothers and daughters of the Facebook and YouTube generation. Momscorner.ca has so much potential - but, as it stands right now, the site resembles a Tampax box – and the content is about as scintillating.    

BeingGirl.ca

At first glance, BeingGirl.ca looks like it has a lot more to offer than Momscorner.ca. But, as we all know, looks can be deceiving. Sure, the site features daily polls and eye-catching photos and graphics. But it misses the mark (badly) when it comes to editorial content. Some of the articles are completely vapid (How to Talk So Boys Will Listen!), others are irrelevant (The Truth Behind the Legend of Santa Claus) or impossibly dated (Queen for a Week). I swear, this final article reads like something from a 1950s health textbook.

"Getting your period can be a real bummer—as if you didn’t already know! The bloating, the cramps, the ATTITUDE... the list goes on! Every month your [sic] bound to feel your worst. What better reason to treat yourself like the Queen you are! ... Getting your period is tough enough—treat yourself to something special!"

Surely, the site can't be a total washout, I told myself, after a half-hour of plowing through one bad article after another. I mean a free sample is a free sample, right? I clicked on the "Free Samples" link.

Wrong.

Want free samples? Thank you! Thank you for you [sic] interest. There is no offer available at this time. Please check back at a later date for future offers. In the meantime, be sure to visit www.beinggirl.ca for answers to all your questions and so much more!

Or so much less, in this case.

The press kit that I received by courier yesterday stated:

"Free samples of many of these products [Tampax and Always products] are available at Beinggirl.ca. The samples come in a discreet bag that's ideal for sending to camp - and is especially useful for first periods. The package includes: an Always Infinity Regular pad, an Always Ultra Thin Slender pad, three Always Thins Pantyliners, a Regular Tampax Pearl, a Lite Tampax Pearl, and a Regular Tampax Compak Pearl."

Talk about under-delivering on a promise.

And wasting both mothers' and daughters' valuable time.

NEXT TIME: In my next column, find out about two very different books that do a great job of tackling this topic: My Little Red Book and Girl in the Know.