The Pill, The Big Sell, The Unexplainable: Worth Quoting

THE PILL

 "It was the feminist movement that opened [the] doors [to new career opportunities for women]. The Pill allowed women to walk through."
    - Elaine Tyler May, discussing her book America and the Pill: A History of Promise, Peril and Liberation at the University of Minnesota website. (Read excerpt from her book at PBS.org.)

THE BIG SELL

"Commercialism is a factor in many of the public health and social problems facing children today. Childhood obesity, discontent about body image, eating disorders, sexualization, youth violence, family stress, underage drinking, and underage tobacco use are all linked to advertising and marketing. So is the erosion of creative play - the foundation of learning, creativity, and the capacity to make meaning of life. The underlying message of commercial marketing - i.e. the things we buy will make us happy - is a major factor in the acquisition of materialistic values, which has been linked to depression and low self-esteem in children."
    - Susan Linn, EdD, "The Commercialization of Childhood and Children's Well-Being: What is the Role of Health Care Providers?" Paediatrics and Child Health, April 2010.

THE UNEXPLAINABLE

...."I went to your mother’s room to try to explain the unexplainable. I saw your mother on her bed, still groggy from the medications, and my professional demeanour disappeared. A tiny baby blanket was spread on the little bed where you should have been ... At that moment, I was no longer a doctor. I was a mother facing another mother in distress. We didn’t know if you would pull through, and I couldn’t make any promises. We would have to see how the next few hours would unfold. I felt helpless and sad."
    - Christine Motheron, MD, "A Letter for You," Canadian Family Physician, January 2010.

When It Comes to Weaning, Slow is the Way to Go: VIDEO

Weaning Woes

I was asked to offer some advice to a mom who was interested in weaning her one-year-old daughter from breast to sippy cup. In this situation (mother-led weaning as opposed to baby-led weaning), the mother ends up playing a more active role in weaning than with baby-led weaning (when the mother follows the baby's lead and eliminates feedings when the baby is ready). Not all of my advice made it into the video. You can find some additional tips here.

The Do's and Don'ts of Naming Your Baby: VIDEO

Baby Names: DOs & DON'Ts

Note: I've just started contributing video segments to ParentsAsk. I'll be sharing them here, too. I hope you enjoy them.

Speed Dating to Find the Right Doula and Logging On to Find the Right Kid Stuff

Meeting the needs of today's generation of parents means coming up with innovative solutions that recognize that time is always in short supply and technology rules.

Doula Speed Dating

Up until now, finding the right doula has required a lot of research and even more good luck. But, thanks to the brainchild of Toronto doula Amanda Spakowski, moms-to-be and their partners are now able to make contact with a large number of doulas by attending a single event -- DoulaSpeedDating.™

DoulaSpeedDating is modeled after other types of speed-dating events -- where making a large number of connections in a minimum amount of time is the name of the game. Parents make their way around the room, spending about ten minutes with each doula, gathering information about the doula's fees, standards of practice, skills, and experience while gaining a sense of how well they would be able to work with this particular doula. "You have a pretty good idea within 10 minutes if you have a connection with that person," Spakowski explains. 

Doulas who wish to participate in DoulaSpeedDating are carefully pre-screened by Spakowski. To be eligible, a doula must be certified through a recognized doula training programme.

DoulaSpeedDating events are being offered in Toronto, Ottawa, and Vancouver. Spakowski plans to organize events in Calgary, Winnipeg, and Halifax in future as well, thanks to positive feedback from parents.

SwapSity.ca

Parents have always swapped kids stuff. And why not? It's a great way to recycle items your kids no longer need while acquiring stuff your kids do need in return. And now swapping has headed online. One of the most popular Canadian swap sites is SwapSity.ca - a site which features a variety of goods and services and which doesn't charge and transaction fees on trades. The site also organizes face-to-face swap meetups, which are as much about having fun as they are about trading kid gear. Talk about a win-win.

A Night When I Long to Be With Other Mothers

Usually, a night in a hotel room by myself is something I look forward to: an opportunity to crawl into bed early and fall asleep reading or watching TV. But tonight, instead of savoring the solitude, my heart is heavy and I'm longing to connect with the community of mothers so that we can make sense of this thing.

A mother who has cherished mothering as much as any among us will be burying her 18 year old son this weekend.

I am not violating any trust by letting you know that Katie Granju's much-loved son Henry passed away Monday. The news services are carrying the story. The backstory has been out there for weeks.

My heart is very much with Katie tonight. I am thinking about the searing pain of grief that will settle in once the initial shock and numbness subsides.

Katie is strong, resourceful, and has a massive support network in place, but, ultimately, grief is a solitary journey.

While Katie will be surrounded by friends and family members ready to walk beside her as she comes to terms with the death of her son, ultimately, she is the one who will have to find the courage to venture from Life With Henry to Life After Henry (the great dividing line in her life forevermore).

I am also thinking about the cruel and unthinking comments that people have made on various articles describing the events leading up to her son's death, linking the circumstances of Henry's death (an attack related to a drug deal gone terribly wrong) to her long-standing (and often outspoken) commitment to attachment parenting. As if an abundance of parental love could be bad for a child.

I have no doubt that Katie will find a way to make some good come out of this terrible tragedy. The Granju family has already announced plans for a scholarship fund to enable families who cannot afford to pay for needed drug and alcohol treatment programs for their children to obtain treatment for their children. (Donations may be sent to The Henry Louis Granju Memorial Scholarship Fund, c/o Administrator James Anderson, Morgan Stanley Smith Barney, 2000 Meridian Blvd, Suite 290, Franklin, TN, 37067).

What I worry about is Katie overlooking the need to take care of herself as she emerges from the hurricane of grief and dives into the whirlwind of post-grief activism.

That's why I'm tagging on this note for Katie, from one mother to another mother who has walked a similar (although not identical) path:

Katie, you are a unique and special person: a gifted writer; a passionate advocate on behalf of mothers and children; and a mother-to-be yet again. The best gift you can offer the world in the days ahead is the gift of a strong and revitalized you. You will be forever changed by this experience: that is a given. Don't run from grief and don't let it run over you. Let it flow through you. - Ann

Period Literature

Here's something you probably don't know about me. I collect vintage health and facts-of-life books and booklets aimed at preteen girls. My favorite subspecies of these types of publications? The "you're about to get your first period" booklet (which was typically given a much more subtle and/or gushing title): "You're growing up!" "You're becoming a woman!" One day soon I'll take you on a guided tour of my collection (I really am loving my new video camera just a little too much, aren't I?), but for now I want to tell you about two terrific new books aimed at the preteen or young teen girl, circa 2010.

My Little Red Book, edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff (New York: Hachette Book Group, 2009. Hardcover, 225 pages, $16.99), is an anthology of stories about first periods contributed by women of all ages from around the world. Nalebuff, who put the book together during her gap year, before heading off to study at Yale, has managed to do for menstruation with my little red book what Eve Ensler did for vaginas with The Vagina Monologues. By combining powerful stories (a mix of both funny and poignant) both authors manage to illustrate how the personal and the political can't help but intersect whenever women's bodies are involved. This is a smart and savvy book that mothers and daughters will enjoy sharing and discussing. Highly recommended. Visit the book's website for videos and other additional resources.

"What I remember most about my period is not getting it. And not getting it. And not getting it. I just could not get the thing, no matter how many white bikinis I wore, even on boats, without bringing a pad along just in case' no matter now many phantom cramps I willed into my uterus. Nothing."
- Rachel Vail, Not Getting It, 1980.
An essay in My Little Red Book, edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff

Girl in the Know: Your Inside-and-Out Guide to Growing Up by Anne Katz, RN, PhD. Illustrated by Monika Melnychuk (Toronto: Kids Can Press, 2010. Hardcover, 112 pages, $18.95) is a comprehensive guide to growing up for preteen girls. The book, which features fun-and-funky illustrations, covers everything from what you can expect when you get your first period to sensible advice on caring for your rapidly-changing body (fitness, nutrition, stress management, skin care, sexual health) to managing relationships. The book is packed with information that would never have found its way into a book of this type a generation ago - and that some folks would like to keep far, far away from girls of this generation, too. Masturbation and the possibility of a same-sex crush are discussed. There are even tips on choosing eco-friendly menstrual products, like menstrual cups and cloth pads. I tell you, this author is thorough. Highly recommended. See this teacher resource guide and tip sheet for moms for more info.

Ann Douglas is the co-author (with her daughter Julie Douglas) of Body Talk: The Straight Facts on Fitness, Nutrition, and Feeling Great About Yourself (Toronto: Maple Tree Press, 2006. Paperback, $9.95, 64 pages).

Dear Procter & Gamble: Your Mother-Daughter Websites About Menstruation Fail to Deliver, Period

Procter & Gamble, you can do so much better than this.

I had such high hopes for Momscorner.ca (which promises to deliver "a wealth of information to help moms broach the discussion about menstruation and answer questions in an open, honest manner") and Beinggirl.ca (a website for girls who are about to get their periods or who have just started menstruating) -- the two sites mentioned in the pitch I received from your PR company yesterday.

Unfortunately, the sites fail to deliver, period.

MomsCorner.ca

While Momscorner.ca features a few useful links and some helpful tips on talking to your daughter about menstruation, the site contains a lot of weak and irrelevant content (Make Friends With Her Inner Chocoholic, Create a Home Spa, Girls Rule); and the handful of articles that do address menstruation- and puberty-related topics are far too superficial to justify a stand-alone website for mothers. Also: Where are the mothers' voices? Mothers want to hear how other mothers have handled this conversation.

The one potentially appealing area of the site (Time travel, which invites mothers to share some of their middle school memories with their daughters) screams out for some multi-media and social media add-ons. Come-on, P&G: a text-only printable form simply isn't going to cut it for mothers and daughters of the Facebook and YouTube generation. Momscorner.ca has so much potential - but, as it stands right now, the site resembles a Tampax box – and the content is about as scintillating.    

BeingGirl.ca

At first glance, BeingGirl.ca looks like it has a lot more to offer than Momscorner.ca. But, as we all know, looks can be deceiving. Sure, the site features daily polls and eye-catching photos and graphics. But it misses the mark (badly) when it comes to editorial content. Some of the articles are completely vapid (How to Talk So Boys Will Listen!), others are irrelevant (The Truth Behind the Legend of Santa Claus) or impossibly dated (Queen for a Week). I swear, this final article reads like something from a 1950s health textbook.

"Getting your period can be a real bummer—as if you didn’t already know! The bloating, the cramps, the ATTITUDE... the list goes on! Every month your [sic] bound to feel your worst. What better reason to treat yourself like the Queen you are! ... Getting your period is tough enough—treat yourself to something special!"

Surely, the site can't be a total washout, I told myself, after a half-hour of plowing through one bad article after another. I mean a free sample is a free sample, right? I clicked on the "Free Samples" link.

Wrong.

Want free samples? Thank you! Thank you for you [sic] interest. There is no offer available at this time. Please check back at a later date for future offers. In the meantime, be sure to visit www.beinggirl.ca for answers to all your questions and so much more!

Or so much less, in this case.

The press kit that I received by courier yesterday stated:

"Free samples of many of these products [Tampax and Always products] are available at Beinggirl.ca. The samples come in a discreet bag that's ideal for sending to camp - and is especially useful for first periods. The package includes: an Always Infinity Regular pad, an Always Ultra Thin Slender pad, three Always Thins Pantyliners, a Regular Tampax Pearl, a Lite Tampax Pearl, and a Regular Tampax Compak Pearl."

Talk about under-delivering on a promise.

And wasting both mothers' and daughters' valuable time.

NEXT TIME: In my next column, find out about two very different books that do a great job of tackling this topic: My Little Red Book and Girl in the Know.

The War on Moms: An Interview with Sharon Lerner -- Part II of II

Sharon Lerner is an American journalist who specializes in writing about women and politics. The War on Moms: On Life in a Family-Unfriendly Nation (Wiley, 2002) -- a meticulously researched book that should be considered required reading for every mother or mother-to-be on either side of the border -- is her first book. I had the opportunity to interview Lerner via Skype earlier today. What follows is the second part of our interview.

Sharon Lerner's book is filled with stories about the fallout of what she calls "life in a family-unfriendly nation." During our interview, I asked her which of those stories would be most likely to stay with her over the long run. She told me about her visit to a childcare center in Florida.

I asked Lerner whether moms need to become more political in order to make change and, if so, what that might mean, given our crazy/busy lives. (I told her that I had multi-year-long blank spots in my political memory, corresponding with the years when my children were very young.) She pointed out all the various ways in which people can be political.

While Lerner devotes a large chunk of her book to documenting the need for more family-friendly policies, she continues to believe that change is possible. "Sometimes people think my outlook is bleak," Lerner says. "But it's not. I think there are great possibilities for improvement." That's one of the reasons she wrote her book, after all: to hint at the possible in an effort to inspire mothers and lawmakers to action.

In the Epilogue of her book, she stresses that "this rare political moment" provides reason for optimism:

"While families across the country carry on with their own shifts and struggles, the most important change that's taken place nationwide is a political one. With a swing-set behind it and dozens of parents of young children working within, the White House is now more receptive to family issues than it's been in years."

At the same time, Lerner is all-too-aware that, in the wake of the global economic crash, families could be asked to put their needs on hold once again:

"Even as the floundering economy has made some of the problems facing families worse, some lawmakers have worried about spending our much-depleted public funds to "bail out" American families. As we wait to see whether this potential turning point will be squandered like previous ones, the gap between us and the rest of the developed world should remind us that, even if it's hard to scrape up the money to move forward, we can't afford not to do it."

* * *

It would be easy for those of us in Canada to act a little smug: to assume that, because we have universal health care coverage and that $100-a-month payment that has been sold to us as a "universal childcare plan," that Canadian families will never experience the same dire poverty as American families who lose their jobs or experience a health crisis.

To some extent, that may be true (we may not bottom out to the same degree or quite as often); but what about the Canadian families who end up selling their homes - or couch-surfing - because a particular drug or therapy that their child needs isn't covered (or isn't fully covered) by the provincial health plan? And what about those families who can't afford to work, because their childcare costs are so high; but who can't afford not to work, because their rent and living expenses necessitate that they hold down a job or two? 

The War on Moms isn't just a US phenomenon. It's happening here, too. It's simply much more under the radar right now. Consider this your wake-up call - unless, of course, you're already wide-awake and on mother-alert, like many moms and dads have been for quite some time. In that case, we're happy to have you join us. It's going to take some time to turn this situation around and create a Canada that works for all families.

Related Reading:

Elizabeth May. Losing Confidence: Power, Politics, and the Crisis in Canadian Democracy: See this  book review penned by Tom Graff of the Vancouver Observer for an overview of what the book is all about.

Marci McDonald: The Armageddon Factor: An expanded and up-to-date version of this October 2006 article that McDonald wrote for The Walrus. If you're wondering what this has to do with your life as a mother, read Antonia Zerbisias' no-holds-barred analysis from earlier this month.

Research Roundup: Baby Stress Eraser, Too-High Toddler Expectations, and Relationships Problems After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

A roundup of recent research on the parenting front. And, included for the first time ever - a short video commentary from me, focusing on one of those studies. (Hey, everyone else is doing it. I figured I might as well give it a whirl.)

Baby Stress Eraser: Sensitive Parenting Can Eliminate the Effects of Prenatal Stress Exposure

A study conducted at the University of Rochester and published in the journal Biological Psychiatry in February suggests that sensitive parenting during the baby and toddler years can eliminate the detrimental effects of stress exposure during pregnancy.

Children who are exposed to high levels of the stress hormone cortisol prior to birth are more likely to experience attention difficulties and cognitive problems later in life. However, the effects of prenatal stress exposure can be eliminated if a secure parent-child attachment is formed during infancy and maintained into the toddler years.

Too-High Toddler Expectations: Emotional Control Occurs Much Later Than Many Parents Believe

Twenty percent of parents expect kids to be able to control their emotions by the time they turn two; and forty-three percent expect the same of their kids by age three, according to a study of 1,615 U.S. parents conducted on behalf of Zero to Three: The National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families, in Washington, DC. In fact, it actually takes most children until they are three to five years of age to exercise that amount of self-control.

Having age-appropriate expectations of your kids makes parenting a whole lot easier. Instead of trying to fix a non-existent problem – your two-year-old isn't behaving like a five-year-old, you can focus on enjoying her at her current age and abilities. You also avoid stressing her out by expecting her to exhibit a degree of self-control she simply isn't capable of right now. 

Couples Face Increased Risk of Relationship Breakup Following Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Pregnancy loss increases the risk of relationship breakup; and the risk is greater for unmarried couples than for married couples, according to research conducted at the University of Michigan and published in the April 5th issue of the journal Pediatrics.

The study, which followed couples over a 15-year period following a pregnancy loss, is the first to examine the effects of miscarriage and stillbirth on the couple relationship.

The researchers found that couples who experienced a miscarriage had a 22 percent higher risk of experiencing a breakup as compared to couples who had not been through such a loss; while couples who had experienced a stillbirth had a 40 percent increased risk of experienced a breakup. With a miscarriage, the period of increased risk for a break up lasted for three years following the loss. With a stillbirth, the period of increased risk for a break up lasted for nine years following the loss.

Do you have comments to make about any of these studies? Do any of them reflect what you've experienced or observed in your own life? If so, I'd love to hear your story. Please leave me a comment below.
- Thanks, Ann

Friends for Sale: Need 100,000 More Friends? That Will Cost You $3479

Parents continue to be the darlings of the social media world, not because everyone necessarily hangs on our every kid-related word, but because we represent a powerful demographic. We're big spenders, at least when it comes to our kids.

Where there is money, there are advertisers. And where there are advertisers, there is competition for those advertising dollars. It's a simple fact of marketing life. Right now, competition is heating up in the world of social media, as everyone tries to figure out how to make money on the hottest virtual playground for Canadian parents: Twitter.

The problem is that the rules of the social media marketing game are still be written, with less savvy players trying to apply the rules of old school marketing -- rules that simply don't fit.

That's what's happening on Twitter these days -- a social media platform that's much loved by Canadian parents and those who wish to connect with them.

Here's an example of that then vs. now push-and-pull playing out in real time.

* * *

On Monday, May 3, Megan McChesney, Editor and Senior Web Producer of CanadianFamily.ca, sent out the following tweet on @CanadianFamily -- the Twitter account associated with St. Joseph Media's Canadian Family magazine:

 

The feedback from the account's followers (people who receive messages from the @CanadianFamily account) was immediate and straight to the point:

What the followers were confirming for McChesney was this: money can't buy you love on Twitter.

Old school, meet social media

While you might not consider buying friends in the real world, individuals or organizations attempting to woo potential advertisers with impressive audience numbers might be tempted to go to extreme measures to boost their Twitter follower numbers: even paying cash-for-followers services to buy online friends. Anyone choosing to go this route can easily find businesses willing to swap followers for dollars. (uSocial.net will sell you 100,000 followers for $3479 US or you can purchase smaller batches of followers via eBay.)

At this point most advertisers don't place sufficient value on audience engagement or the content provided in gauging the success of a social media campaign, says McChesney. "The current game is all about the numbers."

It's a case of old school marketing meets social media marketing, says Dave Fleet, Account Director and head of the social media practice at Thornley Fallis Communications in Toronto. "Companies are used to being able to buy attention....Social media doesn't work that way. It requires a long-term investment," 

Artificially padding follower numbers by buying Twitter followers "defeats the entire purpose" of social media, says McChesney. "You're diluting your own community and cheapening the experience for your followers."

CP24 web/technology specialist Amber MacArthur agrees wholeheartedly with McChesney's assessment. "Don't buy followers," she advises companies who are being lured by the call of the social media siren. "It will come back to bite you on the butt.

"Would you pay someone to follow you around at a party?"

Slow and steady, like the turtle

So if you can't go for the quick fix, what should you do?

Take the same approach as you take to building real-world relationships, MacArthur advises: "Build relationships that are portable and real."

That includes not becoming overly dependent on one social media platform, she stresses. Twitter may be hot right now, but it may not be around forever.

As for having an infinite number of virtual one-second-stands with strangers whom you think of as nothing more than numbers?

That's sleazy online or off.

Conduct yourself accordingly, people and corporations.

 

Friend or Faux Follower? You Be the Judge....

Wondering if someone has been buying followers as opposed to building their following organically over time? Here are a few clues that may help you to decide, according to social media experts Dave Fleet (Account Director and head of the social media practice at Thornley Fallis Communications in Toronto), Amber MacArthur (CP24's Web/Technology Specialist and a new media host/producer, strategist, and speaker), and Megan McChesney (Editor and Senior Web Producer of CanadianFamily.ca).

• * If the account has a high number of followers and a low number of tweets, the account is likely to have purchased followers (unless the account holder is a celebrity or an elite brand), says Fleet.
• * If the tweets are of very poor quality, but the account is being followed by a large number of people, you're probably looking at an account with a lot of faux followers, says McChesney.
• * If the accounts following a particular person all appear to be quite spammy (no real names; no photos; other clues that the account isn't legitimate), they may be following an account that's paid cash for followers, says McChesney. Some companies specialize in "farming" Twitter accounts of dubious quality.
• * You do some research on the account using a service like Klout, which measures authenticity and influence, and the account's rock-bottom score indicates to you that the account holder either isn't engaging with his or her followers at all or that most of those 100,000 followers are faux followers says MacArthur.