Since Facebook Says You're in a Good Mood....

I was in a good mood this morning: in such a good mood, in fact, that I posted, "I feel like "liking" everything" as a status update to Facebook. (Okay, I admit. It's not the most inspired thing I've written. But when you're in a really good mood, you don't stop to play editor, now do you?)

I didn't think anything of my update once I posted it. I simply went on with my (deliciously awesome) day. But then I received a text message from one of my kids that started off like this:

"Since Facebook says you're in a good mood..."

You have to understand that this particular kid is our resident tech genius. Why wouldn't he rely on technology to read my mood (and then use that information to his advantage)? We used to try to read our parents' moods too, remember? (Imagine how amazing it would have been to have a tool to do the analyzing for us.)

It turns out that technology also provides our kids with valuable feedback about themselves. When I mentioned to my son that he was talking too quickly, he responded by citing his Starcraft actions-per-minute metre. (Apparently he plays the game as quickly as he talks.)

* * *

Back when I was a kid, articles about the future of computers emphasized practical functions: how the home computer of the future would take inventory of the contents of your refrigerator and freezer. The articles didn't talk about how computers would revolutionize the way we communicate with one another and think about ourselves. That's where the real revolution has occurred -- and it's mostly been for the better, I believe.

There are so many ways I can communicate with each of my kids that it's difficult for us to have a total communication breakdown, even on days when one or the other of us is feeling frustrated. A one-word text message or impromptu photo with a note in the subject line can help to resolve a parent-teen impasse. I am grateful to have these tools available to me today. How did previous generations of parents ever live without them?

Back to School Parenting News: Bullying, Breakfast, Grades, and Sensitive Kids

It won't be long until the kids head back to school (although it pains me to think of that because I'm still very much in mid-summer mode myself). But with September just a few weeks away, I thought you might enjoy this roundup of back-to-school parenting news. (If you're not ready to face back-to-school quite yet, bookmark this item and come back to it in another week or two. I will totally understand.)

Bully to You....

Most bullies are motivated by the pursuit of status and the desire to be liked by others. That's the key finding to emerge from a study of nearly 500 9-to-12 year olds conducted by researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands. The researchers found that bullies attempt to gain status by dominating their victims; but, because they want to be liked by other children, they choose to pick on children who are weak and who don't have a lot of friends. Gender also factors into bullying activity. When boys bully boys, it doesn’t matter whether girls approve or disapprove, the researchers discovered. The same holds true for girls. What's more, boys will bully only those girls who aren’t well liked by other boys, regardless of what girls think about it, and girls will do the same in their bullying of boys. “To understand the complex nature of acceptance and rejection, it’s necessary to distinguish the gender of the bully, the gender of the target, and the gender of the classmates who accept and reject bullies and victims,” notes René Veenstra, professor of sociology at the University of Groningen, who led the study.

Managing the School Day Munchies

Breakfast really does matter. In a recent study published online in the International Journal of Obesity researchers examined the impact of a protein-rich breakfast on adolescents who traditionally skipped breakfast. When the study participants ate a protein-rich breakfast the researchers observed that the teens were less hungry and ate approximately 130 fewer calories at lunch. The takeaway message? A protein-rich breakfast improves appetite control.

Meeting the Mark

How quickly they expect to receive their grades may influence how students perform. Psychological scientists Keri L. Kettle and Gerald Häubl of the University of Alberta discovered that students who were told they would receive feedback quickly on their performance on an oral presentation earned higher grades than students who expected feedback at a later time. What's more, when students expected to receive their grades quickly, they predicted that their performance would be worse than students who were to receive feedback later. "People do best precisely when their predictions about their own performance are least optimistic," the authors explained in the journal Psychological Science ("Motivation by Anticipation: Expecting Rapid Feedback Enhances Performance").

Why Sensitive Children Are Like Orchids

"Sensitive children, like orchids, are more challenging to raise and care for,
but they can bloom into individuals of exceptional ability and strength
when reared in a supportive, nurturing, and encouraging environment."
- Jelena Obradović, an assistant professor
in the School of Education at Stanford University

This is What Excellent Health Care Looks Like: Snapshot From My Family Album

My son had dental surgery earlier this week. Because he has a seizure disorder, everyone involved agreed that the best way to proceed would be to have the two teeth that needed to be removed taken out under general anesthetic at the local hospital.

The day before his surgery, he and I took a tour of the out-patient surgical department so he would know exactly what to expect before, during, and after his surgery.

We talked about what he'd experience once he was admitted to the hospital, who would be taking care of him, what types of anesthetic he would be receiving (a combination of skin-numbing cream, a needle, and nitrous oxide via a mask), and we walked the route he would be following on surgery day.

Everyone did what they could to help him to prepare, in other words.

But when it came time for us to part ways at the double-doors that led to the operating wing, he became upset. I hugged him and tried to reassure him.

At that point, a nurse interrupted me and told me I was welcome to go into the operating room, too. Someone handed me a giant blue bag. I started to put my briefcase and my purse inside it.

Apparently the bag was a not a bag. It was a pair of one-size-fits-some overalls. I was supposed to put it on over my denim skirt (no easy task, that) and don the matching hair net.

My son found this hilarious.

I was the last one to make it into the operating room, as a result of my wardrobe challenges. Things were moving quickly by this point. I stood beside my son's left shoulder, echoing the reassuring words of the nurses and doctors. "You're strapped on the table because they don't want you to fall off." "The doctor needs you to breathe deeply so you can get some of the anesthetic into your lungs." "I know it's scary." "I'm right here." "I'll be waiting for you when you wake up." "It's okay." "I love you."

"He's asleep," the nurse said. My eyes were watery and my voice was shaky when I left the room and surrendered my blue suit. But I was grateful.

I can't imagine how much more afraid he would have been if I hadn't been able to talk to him, hold his hand, and pat his chest while he was trying to make sense of the scary sensations of going under general anesthetic for the very first time.

Actually, I can. I remember what it was like, a generation ago, when kids had to make that journey through those doors in the company of strangers, without the reassuring presence of mom or dad. We are lucky that providing health care to a child today emphasizes the care as much as the health. That's how it should be.

Time Crunched? Oh, Yeah. Our Family Can Relate to New Study from Canadian Index of Well-Being

My husband is on his way home from work right now. He's planning to pick up some clothes, turn around, and drive back across the city so he can take care of his father while his mother is in the hospital. She's had another bad fall (the last one landed her in hospital for a month) and his father isn't able to live on his own. My mother-in-law, who is in her early 80s, is the sole caregiver for my father-in-law, who suffers from dementia and other serious health problems.

My husband is stressed to the max.

My stress level is on its way down, as of the past few days. (It's almost as if I, being finished with the stress baton, was kind enough to pass it along to him.)

I've spent the past 10 weeks trying to figure out what to do about our youngest son's school situation: a situation that went from bad to worse to untenable during this past semester. It's tough enough changing schools at the best of times, but when you're trying to find a school that is a good fit for a child on the autism spectrum, the search is that much more difficult because your options (or at least the options that you are willing to consider for your child) are more limited, particularly if you live in a medium-sized city.

Sometimes it can feel like there are no options at all: that you and your child will never find a school that can accommodate (let alone understand or appreciate) what your child has to offer. But it can happen. And when it does happen, you may be astounded by your willingness to put your trust in another school once again. (Where does this endless reservoir of hope come from, I wonder?) 

* * *

What a strange day it has been. In addition to fielding a call from a television reporter who had wanted me to be a guest on a TV segment discussing the latest study about time-crunched Canadians (I had to decline because I don't have time to make it to a TV studio today), I've had to (1) fill out paperwork related to an upcoming hospital visit for one of my kids; and (2) go grocery shopping so that I'd have food to serve the guests attending a fund-raising event I'm hosting tonight.

Are all days like this? Thankfully not. If they were, I'd have waved the white flag long ago. But enough days involve dealing with issues related to my youngest child's special needs or meeting the needs of other family members that I can never count on clocking 40 hours of work in a standard work week. It's taken me a while to figure this out: to realize that I need to adjust the too-high goals I have been setting for myself. Those goals might be attainable if I didn't have four kids; a husband who works long and unpredictable hours, and who is the sole caregiver to two aging parents with complex health needs. But given the choice between being able to be there for my family when they need me or knocking a few items off my to do list a little more quickly, well, there really is no choice to be made.

I do, however, wish that the system (educational, health care, social services – you name it) was more in synch with the needs of real families: that families didn't have to fight the same battles over and over in order to obtain badly needed services for their children or their aging parents. That would make advocating for a child with special needs and caring for aging parents a whole lot easier. And it would leave those of us who get stamped with that generic "caregiver" label with a little more time to nurture our relationships and ourselves.

Those are some of the issues that Caught in the Time Crunch (report) talks about (the report the television reporter wanted to interview me about). And that's what many of us who are living in the Land of Perpetual Time Crunch about talk about – and wish for – every day: a society that truly valued the work that parents and other caregivers do. The report has a lot of terrific recommendations and resources. And it's only 32 pages long. I hope you'll read it – when you can find the time.

Related:

Quiz from the Canadian Index of Wellbeing: Are You Caught in the Time Crunch?

Motherhood Research and Parenting Studies

My in-box is overflowing with research requests related to birth, parenting, and motherhood. If you want to contribute to what is known about any of these subject areas (either by being interviewed by a journalist, offering to be a research participant in a study, submitting an article to a journal, or speaking at a conference), there are certainly opportunities galore. Here's a roundup of the latest requests.

BIRTH EXPERIENCES

The Toronto Star would like to interview new moms about their birth experiences. Did your labour and delivery go as planned? How did you feel about your experience? Contact reporter Francine Kopun at fkopun@thestar.ca by May 10. With your permission, your story may become part of a Living feature in the Star.

CARING FOR A PERSON WITH AN AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER (ASD)

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health is conducting a survey of family needs associated with caring for a person with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). If you are a family member of an adult or youth with ASD, your participation would be appreciated. The purpose of the survey is to find out about how you and your family handle stresses, how you feel, and what kind of services you use. The survey is confidential. In order to understand families' experiences, family members are asked to complete an online questionnaire. Participation takes approximately 30 minutes. Please call 416-535-8501, ext 7813, or email yona_lunsky@camh.net for more information. To participate, go to www.familyprojects.ca (The Family Study).

BULLYING AND AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDERS

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health is conducting an online survey to learn about the experiences of bullying in children and youth with Autism or Asperger Syndrome. They are interested in interviewing parents of children with Autism or Asperger Syndrome. The focus of this project is to better understand the experience of bullying among students with Asperger syndrome and Autism across Canada. The research is being conducted primarily by a doctoral student, Catherine Cappadocia, and researcher, Dr. Jonathan Weiss, from York University. The online survey takes approximately 30 minutes to complete. Any questions or concerns about this project can be directed to Catherine Cappadocia, M.A., Project Coordinator by phone at (647) 283-2585 or by email at catcap@yorku.ca. To participate, go to www.familyprojects.ca (The Family Study).

MOTHERHOOD RESEARCH

The Association for Research on Mothering has been reborn as The Motherhood Initiative for Research and Community Involvement (MIRCI). It is continuing its proud tradition of research into motherhood with an impressive publishing and conference schedule for 2010. If you write or speak about motherhood, you'll want to check out these recent calls for submissions (see partial list below); and to plan to attend MIRCI's upcoming Gala Literary Night Fundraiser on May 21, 2010, from 7 pm to 10:30 pm at Ryerson Oakham House.

° Motherhood and the Economy: The Economics of Mothering (Conference: October 21 to 24, Toronto, Canada): Deadline for Abstract and Bio: August 1, 2010.

° Mothering, Bereavement, Loss, and Grief (journal): Deadline for Submissions: June 1, 2010.

° Mothering: Anthropological Perspectives (anthology): Deadline for Submissions: July 1, 2010.

° Black Motherhoods (anthology): Deadline for Submissions: September 1, 2010.

No Need to Get Hot and Bothered About the New Sex Ed Curriculum – Part I of II

I don't know about you, but I don't like other people speaking for me when it comes to issues involving my kids. So when I heard that some parents were up in arms about the proposed changes to the sex ed curriculum for Ontario schools, I decided that I needed to research those changes for myself.

Getting my hands on the documents wasn't easy. The moment Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty pulled his initial support for the changes and announced that the curriculum changes were being put on hold, pending further review and consultations with parents, the documents were removed from the Ministry of Education website.

It took a bit of detective work, but I managed to track down a copy of the documents via the I Support Sexual Health Education in Ontario Facebook Group. I then proceeded to pour through the document, page by page,  zeroing in on the most relevant sections (download copy of chart).

This progressive, health-oriented curriculum – which covers so much more than sex education, incidentally – has the potential to change (and even save) kids' lives. If we can convince the government to go ahead with the curriculum as is (as opposed to bowing to pressure to water down the content), our kids will learn some very important lessons, starting at a very early age.

They will learn that every person is worthy of respect. This principle is all-inclusive and it permeates the entire curriculum. It applies to what they learn about body image, about physical fitness, about sexual health, and about healthy relationships. Here's a snippet that sets the tone for the rest of the document:

In an environment based on the principles of inclusive education, all students, parents, and other members of the school community – regardless of ancestry, culture, ethnicity, sex, physical or intellectual ability, race, religion, gender identity, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, or other similar factors – are welcomed, included, treated fairly, and respected. Diversity is valued, and all members of the school community feel safe, comfortable, and accepted. Every student is supported and inspired to succeed in a culture of high expectations for learning. In an inclusive education system, all students see themselves reflected in the curriculum, their physical surroundings, and the broader environment, so that they can feel engaged in and empowered by their learning experiences. (57)

They will learn that they don't have to tolerate bullying or abuse; and what healthy relationships are all about. They will learn that they don't have to tolerate being bullied because of body size or physical abilities or race or sexual orientation (or because they belong to a family that doesn't conform to the 1950s definition of what a Canadian family should look like: an image that continues to be over-reflected in our media); that they have the right to say no to being touched in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable (and what words to use to describe their body parts so that they can make it clear to adults and peers what body parts are off limits); and that healthy relationships at school, at home, and in the community are every child's right.

"Healthy relationships are based on respect, caring, empathy, trust, and dignity, and thrive in an environment in which diversity is honoured and accepted. Healthy relationships do not tolerate abusive, controlling, violent, harassing, or inappropriate behaviours." (55)

They will be given the information they need to make informed choices about their sexual health. In order to make the decision not to be sexually active until they are ready, kids have to have accurate information about what sex means—what it is.  This generation of kids may sound like they're in the know (based on the snippets of information that they've culled from the Internet or from a supposedly savvy peer), but that doesn't necessarily mean much. A 2006-2007 study conducted by researchers from Planned Parenthood, York University, the University of Toronto, Wilfrid Laurier University, and Toronto Public Health found that Ontario kids are far less informed about sex than we think they are. "Very surprising to us was that many kids were unsure about whether they had had sex or not," one of the study's authors, Sarah Flicker, a professor of environmental studies at York University, told CBC News at the time "And even among those who were unsure, some reported that they had engaged in oral sex, anal sex or vaginal sex."

That study recommended sweeping changes to the way sex education is taught in schools, including kicking off the conversation as early as kindergarten. That's what this curriculum is attempting to do (although starting at the Grade One level): to give our kids the information and self-advocacy skills they need to be informed, stay healthy, and develop loving relationships.

This sounds to me like the recipe for a healthier, happier generation of kids and a much less messed-up world.

I hope that vote-seeking politicians and special interest groups don't mess this up for our kids any more than they already have.

There's far too much at stake for the people in charge to lose sight of what really matters here: the health and well-being of the up-and-coming generation of kids.

Related:

Facebook: I Support Sexual Health Education in Ontario: A Facebook group for supporters of the new sexual health curriculum in Ontario.

NOTE: Stay tuned for Part II. I'll be interviewing Heather Corinna, founder of Scarleteen: Sex Education for the Real World, one of the most popular sex information web sites for teens, about why sex education matters.

Parents Can Change the World: 6 Reasons Why Parents Make Great Activists

So you want to save the planet, fix your country, or rally support to a cause that really matters to you. What you need to move your cause forward is a group of parents who are just as passionate about the cause as you are. Here are six reasons why parents make great activists.

1. Parents have a vested interested in working for change. They want to make the world a better place for their children -- and their children's children. (Grandparents are parents, too, and they have time as well as passion to invest in their volunteer work.)

2. Parents get the job done. "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." That's how the old saying goes. And parents are some of the busiest people on the planet. They are pros at squeezing 25 hours of living into a 24 hour day. So be clear about what you're trying to achieve before you recruit parents to your cause. They don't have time for wasted time.

3. Parents have received fabulous on-the-job training for activism simply by being parents. Parents are their children's strongest advocates; and the skills they have developed in advocating for their children's needs within the school system, the health care system, or in the community allow them to advocate for others who may not be able to advocate as effectively for themselves.

4. Parents have staying power. Parenthood is, after all, a marathon event, not a sprint. Parents are used to sticking things through, even when the going gets tough. Very tough. "Why did I sign up for this thing in the first place?" kind of tough. That's why parents are among the most passionate and committed volunteers.

5. Parents have thick skins and that they aren't easily put off by the hairy-eyeball stare. What parent hasn't been told "You're not my friend" (or worse) by a furious three-year-old; or been on the receiving end of the withering stare of a less-than-impressed 15-year-old? Standing firm as a parent isn't the easy thing, but it's the right thing to do. It's excellent preparation for the tough stands anyone working for change may attract (and the hairy-eyeball stares or nasty comments that be or she may attract).

6. Parents are incredibly connected. This generation of parents is wired. They may not always be able to hit the pavement with signs and strollers, or to attend every fund-raising event, but, if they support what you're marching for, they're only a text message away. What's more, being wired allows them to share their passion for your cause with friends and family members -- yet another benefit of working with parents.

Related:

People for Education: People for Education is a parent-led organization working to support public education in Ontario's English, French, and Catholic schools.

Moms Against Climate Change on Facebook: TakeActionOnClimateChange.com is an initiative that gives a voice to parents: the people who care most about protecting the future of our children.

Junction Parents: Clean Air for Clean Lungs: Information about a rally that was held at Queen's Park last year by this local environmental group.

Gravity Pulls You In: Anthology About Parenting Kids on the Autism Spectrum

I had the privilege of contributing an essay to Kyra Anderson and Vicki Forman's fabulous new book Gravity Pulls You In: Perspectives on Parenting Children on the Autism.

My essay -- As Great as Trees -- describes the painful time period when my youngest son was asked to leave his school because the school wasn't able to deal with his behavior. (This was right before he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome.)

Here's a short excerpt which describes his last day at his old school:

Ian says goodbye to his classmates on a Wednesday afternoon,
three weeks into fifth grade. His classmates present him
with a piece of goodbye cake. Conveniently, his birthday has fallen
the day before, so they are able to save him a piece of the birthday
cake they ended up eating without him—the downside of being suspended
from school on your very own birthday. When the decision
to suspend him evolves into a request (non-negotiable) that we withdraw
him, the birthday cake morphs into goodbye cake to go.       
(...continued)

If you'd like to get a sense of what the book is all about, you may want to read the other excerpts available on the book's website as well as the book's foreword (written by John Elder Robison, author of Look Me in the Eye).

I absolutely love contributing to anthologies. It's exciting to be part of a community of writers all celebrating the birth of the very same "baby." And what a baby you've given the ASD families of the world, Kyra and Vicki.

You should be very proud.

Gravity Pulls You In by Kyra Anderson and Vicki Forman. Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House, 2010. Paperback, $19.95. 33 essays and poems.

Related:

All posts on this blog that relate to Autism Spectrum Disorders

More Than a Mom.Net: A website created by Amy Baskin and Heather Fawcett, co-authors of More Than a Mom: Leading a Full and Balanced Life When Your Child Has Special Needs.

Aspergers Society of Ontario: A registered charity that "provides education, resources and support to individuals with AS, their families, educators, medical and mental health professionals, employers, government and the community, to enable individuals with AS to realize their potential as fully contributing members of their community."

Autism Ontario: A charitable organization that promotes "acceptance and opportunities for all individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders."

Braces: A Love Story

My 12 year old is getting his braces on right now.

It's a pretty standard childhood rite-of-passage. I wore braces when I was a kid. (Ditto with elastics and the dreaded retainer.) Who knows? You may have done your time in the orthodontic trenches, too.

I didn't think anything of it when one of my other sons got his braces, but I'm a bit more nervous about how my 12 year old – my child who has Aspergers – is going to react, both to the process of getting the braces cemented on his teeth and the inevitable afterpains as his mouth gets used to the new hardware.

We discovered a long time ago that my husband is better suited to the orthodontic beat than I am. He worries just as much as I do about these things, but he doesn't show it. (As I type this, my husband is either pretending to read magazines in the waiting room at the orthodontist's office, waiting for news on how our son is doing; or he's been called in to provide on-the-spot cheerleading and reassurance.)

My husband and my 12 year old have another tough mission ahead of them in the next few weeks: Operation Tooth Extraction. They've been through it together in the past; so I know they can do it again. And as for me? I'll be sitting across town, appreciating the fact that I was wise enough to pick a man who has the right stuff (the ability to be a great dental parent, among other things); and loving the fact that my 12 year old and his dad have always had a super-special bond.

It goes back to the very beginning, in the moments after my son was born. I had sustained a bad tear while giving birth and the midwives were busy attending to me, so my husband held our newborn baby boy for the longest time. I remember my husband speaking softly to him and welcoming him to our family; telling him about his brothers and his sister. This pregnancy (after my previous baby's stillbirth the year before) had been the longest 41 ½ weeks of my life. But now this baby was here, safe, cradled in my husband's arms.

Suddenly I felt safer, too - and ready to face the future as a family.

New Year's Stress Resolutions: Resolving to Become a Less Stressed Out Family in 2010

Resolving to become a less stressed parent - or to have a less stressed out family - in 2010?

You're certainly in good company.

Stress levels in Canada have sky-rocketed since the start of the recession, with 36 percent of Canadians reporting an increase in stress and 28 percent reporting a drop in employment income, according to an annual survey conducted by Desjardin Financial Security. The top three sources of stress, according to survey respondents, were money (30 percent), work (25 percent), and family responsibilities (10 percent).

In 2008, 28% of Canadians between the ages of 35 and 54 reported that most days were extremely or quite a bit stressful. (This is the age range when family and career responsibilities peak, according to Statistics Canada.) Women were more likely than men to report that most days were quite a bit or extremely stressful.

Juggling work and family can be stressful. Families with children may face a particular set of challenges related to work–life balance when one or both parents are working long hours. Families with children are less likely to have both parents working consistently standard schedules (14%) than families without children (21%). Concern about how school-aged kids are faring during the hours after school has become so severe that it's earned its own acronym in recent years: parents' after school stress (PASS). A 2006 study concluded that parental after school stress affects the psychological health of a large number of employed parents of school-aged children.

Are we having fun yet?

Parenting is stressful for dads. A 2006 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association found that 43 percent of fathers feel overwhelmed by the demands they are shouldering at work and at home.

Parenting is also stressful for moms -- and not for the reasons media stereotypes would have you believe. (It's not about the carpools.) A 2006 American Psychological Association survey found that stress is higher for the parent who makes the health care decisions for other family members, including children, and women disproportionately serve that role for their families (73 percent versus 40 percent of men). This also explains why stress levels soar even higher for mothers (and fathers) of children who have special needs.

Being a kid is stressful, too. What stresses kids out may be different from what stresses us out, but they need to know that we care about what's going on in their lives and that we'll help them with their problems, large or small. Having that kind of caring connection to at least one adult means everything to a child; and determines to what extent that child thrives in the world.

Related Resources:

• Canadian Mental Health Association Stress Test: Just how stressed are you? Find out by completing this online quiz.
• Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of British Columbia: Tips on coping with stress.
• MayoClinic.com: Relaxation techniques: Learn ways to reduce your stress
• Health is Cool: Back to School Stress brochure: Available for Download (pdf).