Middle School Meets YouTube - and It Ain't Pretty: Cyberbullying Goes Video

I just finished watching a series of videos that have left me feeling grateful that I'm heading into middle-age rather than heading into middle-school.

You know what? You couldn't pay me enough money to live through adolescence in the age of YouTube (.pdf) – not when it's this easy to upload a hate-filled rant slamming another teen -- in this latest high-profile case, a teen whose only crime was that she dared to diss teen celebrity Jason Bieber.

"I don't care if you hate Justin Bieber – I don't care," the video's creator, Hannah (MissVideo28), declares, staring intently into the camera. "But you don't need to post it on YouTube."

[Warning: Some of the language in this video may offend some viewers.]

 

 

A flood of angry responses to her initial video leads to a follow-up video, which is more an attempt to take her commenters to task than to offer a bonafide apology:

"I've gotten a lot of hateful comments on that video....You don't need to hate me for that....I'm just really disappointed in the people who commented. Frankly, it's just really horrible, okay?"

 

 

It's not until you view her most recent video that you start to get a sense of what YouTube has to offer her this young girl: an audience.

Consider the way she interacts with her viewers ("It's that time to ask for more views on my videos and more subscribers") and how she responds to her viewer mail: ("'I dare you to pie yourself with a massive shaving cream covering your face and your hair'" someone has written. She responds: "I'm going to do that, more than likely when I get my new apartment - when my mom and I get our new apartment. So that should be funny. I'm up for anything, really I am. In-box me: tell me what would be interesting.")

 

 

The effect is sad and pathetic. Instead of viewing her as the mean girl – the effect that came across in the first video – and the angry girl – what came through in the second video – she comes across as someone more worthy of pity.

I can't help but wonder if the adults in her life know she is putting these videos out there, sharing pieces of her soul with he world, where they can be commented on and mocked by strangers.

I worry about what will show up in her in-box next: how far she will go to get her next hit (her next audience hit); where she will draw the line ("I'm up for anything, really I am").

And I wonder how many other young teens are bartering bits of their souls for attention.

When I was a middle-schooler, I wrote in a diary, and guarded the contents of that diary with my life. (I was so paranoid that someone might read my diary that I wrote my entries in code.) And yet this generation of preteens and teens entrusts its most intimate thoughts and feelings to the Internet, forgetting that the Internet can bite back and the Internet can tell secrets years later. Would you want your middle-school diary to track you down today?

Since Facebook Says You're in a Good Mood....

I was in a good mood this morning: in such a good mood, in fact, that I posted, "I feel like "liking" everything" as a status update to Facebook. (Okay, I admit. It's not the most inspired thing I've written. But when you're in a really good mood, you don't stop to play editor, now do you?)

I didn't think anything of my update once I posted it. I simply went on with my (deliciously awesome) day. But then I received a text message from one of my kids that started off like this:

"Since Facebook says you're in a good mood..."

You have to understand that this particular kid is our resident tech genius. Why wouldn't he rely on technology to read my mood (and then use that information to his advantage)? We used to try to read our parents' moods too, remember? (Imagine how amazing it would have been to have a tool to do the analyzing for us.)

It turns out that technology also provides our kids with valuable feedback about themselves. When I mentioned to my son that he was talking too quickly, he responded by citing his Starcraft actions-per-minute metre. (Apparently he plays the game as quickly as he talks.)

* * *

Back when I was a kid, articles about the future of computers emphasized practical functions: how the home computer of the future would take inventory of the contents of your refrigerator and freezer. The articles didn't talk about how computers would revolutionize the way we communicate with one another and think about ourselves. That's where the real revolution has occurred -- and it's mostly been for the better, I believe.

There are so many ways I can communicate with each of my kids that it's difficult for us to have a total communication breakdown, even on days when one or the other of us is feeling frustrated. A one-word text message or impromptu photo with a note in the subject line can help to resolve a parent-teen impasse. I am grateful to have these tools available to me today. How did previous generations of parents ever live without them?

The Pill, The Big Sell, The Unexplainable: Worth Quoting

THE PILL

 "It was the feminist movement that opened [the] doors [to new career opportunities for women]. The Pill allowed women to walk through."
    - Elaine Tyler May, discussing her book America and the Pill: A History of Promise, Peril and Liberation at the University of Minnesota website. (Read excerpt from her book at PBS.org.)

THE BIG SELL

"Commercialism is a factor in many of the public health and social problems facing children today. Childhood obesity, discontent about body image, eating disorders, sexualization, youth violence, family stress, underage drinking, and underage tobacco use are all linked to advertising and marketing. So is the erosion of creative play - the foundation of learning, creativity, and the capacity to make meaning of life. The underlying message of commercial marketing - i.e. the things we buy will make us happy - is a major factor in the acquisition of materialistic values, which has been linked to depression and low self-esteem in children."
    - Susan Linn, EdD, "The Commercialization of Childhood and Children's Well-Being: What is the Role of Health Care Providers?" Paediatrics and Child Health, April 2010.

THE UNEXPLAINABLE

...."I went to your mother’s room to try to explain the unexplainable. I saw your mother on her bed, still groggy from the medications, and my professional demeanour disappeared. A tiny baby blanket was spread on the little bed where you should have been ... At that moment, I was no longer a doctor. I was a mother facing another mother in distress. We didn’t know if you would pull through, and I couldn’t make any promises. We would have to see how the next few hours would unfold. I felt helpless and sad."
    - Christine Motheron, MD, "A Letter for You," Canadian Family Physician, January 2010.

Speed Dating to Find the Right Doula and Logging On to Find the Right Kid Stuff

Meeting the needs of today's generation of parents means coming up with innovative solutions that recognize that time is always in short supply and technology rules.

Doula Speed Dating

Up until now, finding the right doula has required a lot of research and even more good luck. But, thanks to the brainchild of Toronto doula Amanda Spakowski, moms-to-be and their partners are now able to make contact with a large number of doulas by attending a single event -- DoulaSpeedDating.™

DoulaSpeedDating is modeled after other types of speed-dating events -- where making a large number of connections in a minimum amount of time is the name of the game. Parents make their way around the room, spending about ten minutes with each doula, gathering information about the doula's fees, standards of practice, skills, and experience while gaining a sense of how well they would be able to work with this particular doula. "You have a pretty good idea within 10 minutes if you have a connection with that person," Spakowski explains. 

Doulas who wish to participate in DoulaSpeedDating are carefully pre-screened by Spakowski. To be eligible, a doula must be certified through a recognized doula training programme.

DoulaSpeedDating events are being offered in Toronto, Ottawa, and Vancouver. Spakowski plans to organize events in Calgary, Winnipeg, and Halifax in future as well, thanks to positive feedback from parents.

SwapSity.ca

Parents have always swapped kids stuff. And why not? It's a great way to recycle items your kids no longer need while acquiring stuff your kids do need in return. And now swapping has headed online. One of the most popular Canadian swap sites is SwapSity.ca - a site which features a variety of goods and services and which doesn't charge and transaction fees on trades. The site also organizes face-to-face swap meetups, which are as much about having fun as they are about trading kid gear. Talk about a win-win.

Research Roundup: Baby Stress Eraser, Too-High Toddler Expectations, and Relationships Problems After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

A roundup of recent research on the parenting front. And, included for the first time ever - a short video commentary from me, focusing on one of those studies. (Hey, everyone else is doing it. I figured I might as well give it a whirl.)

Baby Stress Eraser: Sensitive Parenting Can Eliminate the Effects of Prenatal Stress Exposure

A study conducted at the University of Rochester and published in the journal Biological Psychiatry in February suggests that sensitive parenting during the baby and toddler years can eliminate the detrimental effects of stress exposure during pregnancy.

Children who are exposed to high levels of the stress hormone cortisol prior to birth are more likely to experience attention difficulties and cognitive problems later in life. However, the effects of prenatal stress exposure can be eliminated if a secure parent-child attachment is formed during infancy and maintained into the toddler years.

Too-High Toddler Expectations: Emotional Control Occurs Much Later Than Many Parents Believe

Twenty percent of parents expect kids to be able to control their emotions by the time they turn two; and forty-three percent expect the same of their kids by age three, according to a study of 1,615 U.S. parents conducted on behalf of Zero to Three: The National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families, in Washington, DC. In fact, it actually takes most children until they are three to five years of age to exercise that amount of self-control.

Having age-appropriate expectations of your kids makes parenting a whole lot easier. Instead of trying to fix a non-existent problem – your two-year-old isn't behaving like a five-year-old, you can focus on enjoying her at her current age and abilities. You also avoid stressing her out by expecting her to exhibit a degree of self-control she simply isn't capable of right now. 

Couples Face Increased Risk of Relationship Breakup Following Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Pregnancy loss increases the risk of relationship breakup; and the risk is greater for unmarried couples than for married couples, according to research conducted at the University of Michigan and published in the April 5th issue of the journal Pediatrics.

The study, which followed couples over a 15-year period following a pregnancy loss, is the first to examine the effects of miscarriage and stillbirth on the couple relationship.

The researchers found that couples who experienced a miscarriage had a 22 percent higher risk of experiencing a breakup as compared to couples who had not been through such a loss; while couples who had experienced a stillbirth had a 40 percent increased risk of experienced a breakup. With a miscarriage, the period of increased risk for a break up lasted for three years following the loss. With a stillbirth, the period of increased risk for a break up lasted for nine years following the loss.

Do you have comments to make about any of these studies? Do any of them reflect what you've experienced or observed in your own life? If so, I'd love to hear your story. Please leave me a comment below.
- Thanks, Ann

Friends for Sale: Need 100,000 More Friends? That Will Cost You $3479

Parents continue to be the darlings of the social media world, not because everyone necessarily hangs on our every kid-related word, but because we represent a powerful demographic. We're big spenders, at least when it comes to our kids.

Where there is money, there are advertisers. And where there are advertisers, there is competition for those advertising dollars. It's a simple fact of marketing life. Right now, competition is heating up in the world of social media, as everyone tries to figure out how to make money on the hottest virtual playground for Canadian parents: Twitter.

The problem is that the rules of the social media marketing game are still be written, with less savvy players trying to apply the rules of old school marketing -- rules that simply don't fit.

That's what's happening on Twitter these days -- a social media platform that's much loved by Canadian parents and those who wish to connect with them.

Here's an example of that then vs. now push-and-pull playing out in real time.

* * *

On Monday, May 3, Megan McChesney, Editor and Senior Web Producer of CanadianFamily.ca, sent out the following tweet on @CanadianFamily -- the Twitter account associated with St. Joseph Media's Canadian Family magazine:

 

The feedback from the account's followers (people who receive messages from the @CanadianFamily account) was immediate and straight to the point:

What the followers were confirming for McChesney was this: money can't buy you love on Twitter.

Old school, meet social media

While you might not consider buying friends in the real world, individuals or organizations attempting to woo potential advertisers with impressive audience numbers might be tempted to go to extreme measures to boost their Twitter follower numbers: even paying cash-for-followers services to buy online friends. Anyone choosing to go this route can easily find businesses willing to swap followers for dollars. (uSocial.net will sell you 100,000 followers for $3479 US or you can purchase smaller batches of followers via eBay.)

At this point most advertisers don't place sufficient value on audience engagement or the content provided in gauging the success of a social media campaign, says McChesney. "The current game is all about the numbers."

It's a case of old school marketing meets social media marketing, says Dave Fleet, Account Director and head of the social media practice at Thornley Fallis Communications in Toronto. "Companies are used to being able to buy attention....Social media doesn't work that way. It requires a long-term investment," 

Artificially padding follower numbers by buying Twitter followers "defeats the entire purpose" of social media, says McChesney. "You're diluting your own community and cheapening the experience for your followers."

CP24 web/technology specialist Amber MacArthur agrees wholeheartedly with McChesney's assessment. "Don't buy followers," she advises companies who are being lured by the call of the social media siren. "It will come back to bite you on the butt.

"Would you pay someone to follow you around at a party?"

Slow and steady, like the turtle

So if you can't go for the quick fix, what should you do?

Take the same approach as you take to building real-world relationships, MacArthur advises: "Build relationships that are portable and real."

That includes not becoming overly dependent on one social media platform, she stresses. Twitter may be hot right now, but it may not be around forever.

As for having an infinite number of virtual one-second-stands with strangers whom you think of as nothing more than numbers?

That's sleazy online or off.

Conduct yourself accordingly, people and corporations.

 

Friend or Faux Follower? You Be the Judge....

Wondering if someone has been buying followers as opposed to building their following organically over time? Here are a few clues that may help you to decide, according to social media experts Dave Fleet (Account Director and head of the social media practice at Thornley Fallis Communications in Toronto), Amber MacArthur (CP24's Web/Technology Specialist and a new media host/producer, strategist, and speaker), and Megan McChesney (Editor and Senior Web Producer of CanadianFamily.ca).

• * If the account has a high number of followers and a low number of tweets, the account is likely to have purchased followers (unless the account holder is a celebrity or an elite brand), says Fleet.
• * If the tweets are of very poor quality, but the account is being followed by a large number of people, you're probably looking at an account with a lot of faux followers, says McChesney.
• * If the accounts following a particular person all appear to be quite spammy (no real names; no photos; other clues that the account isn't legitimate), they may be following an account that's paid cash for followers, says McChesney. Some companies specialize in "farming" Twitter accounts of dubious quality.
• * You do some research on the account using a service like Klout, which measures authenticity and influence, and the account's rock-bottom score indicates to you that the account holder either isn't engaging with his or her followers at all or that most of those 100,000 followers are faux followers says MacArthur.

Why Sex Education Matters: Interview with the Founder of Scarleteen - Part II in a Series

Think this generation of kids knows everything it needs to know about sex – and then some?

Think again, We may be raising our kids in a culture that's obsessed with sex, but we aren't doing a very good job of teaching them about sex. In fact, according to Heather Corinna, founder of Scarleteen, a website that has been answering teens' questions about sex for the past dozen years, we haven't even managed to equip them with the basic vocabulary.

"We have teens apologizing for not having using the right language, not having the right information about how their bodies work. In what other area of knowledge do we make people feel bad about themselves for not knowing? At Scarleteen, we tell the teens, 'It's everybody else's fault but yours that you don't know.' "

Ignorance is not bliss

An advocate for "inclusive, healthy, and sex-positive sex education," Corinna feels we should be providing teens with the information they need to stay safe and make informed choices. For that to happen, the conversation needs to start while your child is still quite young.

"You don't want your child to end up in sexual situations too early. Ignorance enables that to happen. Silence gives them the message, 'I'm not supposed to talk about it.' It prevents them from talking about it. And it leaves them vulnerable to predatory adults. If you don't know the name for a particular body part, it's pretty hard to tell someone you've been touched there."

I'm okay, you're okay – and so is your family

Talking about gender identity helps children to understand that it's possible for a boy to love another boy – just as it's possible for a girl to love another girl. The world isn't just made up of boy and girl couples.This conversation doesn't just become relevant when kids start dating. It is relevant the moment a young child begins to notice that not all families are the same.

"It's about talking about these kids' families, making these kids visible, Corinna explains. "And sending some implicit messages about who these kids might end up loving."

The consequences of such conversations could be far-reaching.

"It might be possible to decrease how much people are going to get bullied. It might reduce the number of queer kids in junior high who commit suicide."

And about that sex thing....

Talking about sex is not the same thing as promoting sex.

The proposed curriculum encourages abstinence for as long as possible. So does Scarleteen.

But neither resorts to fear- or guilt-mongering in order to achieve that goal. And for good reason, says Corinna.

"Ideally, we want kids to get the idea that sex, at the right time, with the right person, is a good thing. We want them to be empowered and happy, to view sex as pleasurable; not to feel bad, to stumble into horrible relationships, to take unhealthy risks."

That's what I want for my kids. How about you?

Coming in Part III: The Sex Ed Files: A roundup of resources related to the sex ed debate.

No Need to Get Hot and Bothered About the New Sex Ed Curriculum – Part I of II

I don't know about you, but I don't like other people speaking for me when it comes to issues involving my kids. So when I heard that some parents were up in arms about the proposed changes to the sex ed curriculum for Ontario schools, I decided that I needed to research those changes for myself.

Getting my hands on the documents wasn't easy. The moment Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty pulled his initial support for the changes and announced that the curriculum changes were being put on hold, pending further review and consultations with parents, the documents were removed from the Ministry of Education website.

It took a bit of detective work, but I managed to track down a copy of the documents via the I Support Sexual Health Education in Ontario Facebook Group. I then proceeded to pour through the document, page by page,  zeroing in on the most relevant sections (download copy of chart).

This progressive, health-oriented curriculum – which covers so much more than sex education, incidentally – has the potential to change (and even save) kids' lives. If we can convince the government to go ahead with the curriculum as is (as opposed to bowing to pressure to water down the content), our kids will learn some very important lessons, starting at a very early age.

They will learn that every person is worthy of respect. This principle is all-inclusive and it permeates the entire curriculum. It applies to what they learn about body image, about physical fitness, about sexual health, and about healthy relationships. Here's a snippet that sets the tone for the rest of the document:

In an environment based on the principles of inclusive education, all students, parents, and other members of the school community – regardless of ancestry, culture, ethnicity, sex, physical or intellectual ability, race, religion, gender identity, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, or other similar factors – are welcomed, included, treated fairly, and respected. Diversity is valued, and all members of the school community feel safe, comfortable, and accepted. Every student is supported and inspired to succeed in a culture of high expectations for learning. In an inclusive education system, all students see themselves reflected in the curriculum, their physical surroundings, and the broader environment, so that they can feel engaged in and empowered by their learning experiences. (57)

They will learn that they don't have to tolerate bullying or abuse; and what healthy relationships are all about. They will learn that they don't have to tolerate being bullied because of body size or physical abilities or race or sexual orientation (or because they belong to a family that doesn't conform to the 1950s definition of what a Canadian family should look like: an image that continues to be over-reflected in our media); that they have the right to say no to being touched in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable (and what words to use to describe their body parts so that they can make it clear to adults and peers what body parts are off limits); and that healthy relationships at school, at home, and in the community are every child's right.

"Healthy relationships are based on respect, caring, empathy, trust, and dignity, and thrive in an environment in which diversity is honoured and accepted. Healthy relationships do not tolerate abusive, controlling, violent, harassing, or inappropriate behaviours." (55)

They will be given the information they need to make informed choices about their sexual health. In order to make the decision not to be sexually active until they are ready, kids have to have accurate information about what sex means—what it is.  This generation of kids may sound like they're in the know (based on the snippets of information that they've culled from the Internet or from a supposedly savvy peer), but that doesn't necessarily mean much. A 2006-2007 study conducted by researchers from Planned Parenthood, York University, the University of Toronto, Wilfrid Laurier University, and Toronto Public Health found that Ontario kids are far less informed about sex than we think they are. "Very surprising to us was that many kids were unsure about whether they had had sex or not," one of the study's authors, Sarah Flicker, a professor of environmental studies at York University, told CBC News at the time "And even among those who were unsure, some reported that they had engaged in oral sex, anal sex or vaginal sex."

That study recommended sweeping changes to the way sex education is taught in schools, including kicking off the conversation as early as kindergarten. That's what this curriculum is attempting to do (although starting at the Grade One level): to give our kids the information and self-advocacy skills they need to be informed, stay healthy, and develop loving relationships.

This sounds to me like the recipe for a healthier, happier generation of kids and a much less messed-up world.

I hope that vote-seeking politicians and special interest groups don't mess this up for our kids any more than they already have.

There's far too much at stake for the people in charge to lose sight of what really matters here: the health and well-being of the up-and-coming generation of kids.

Related:

Facebook: I Support Sexual Health Education in Ontario: A Facebook group for supporters of the new sexual health curriculum in Ontario.

NOTE: Stay tuned for Part II. I'll be interviewing Heather Corinna, founder of Scarleteen: Sex Education for the Real World, one of the most popular sex information web sites for teens, about why sex education matters.

Parents Can Change the World: 6 Reasons Why Parents Make Great Activists

So you want to save the planet, fix your country, or rally support to a cause that really matters to you. What you need to move your cause forward is a group of parents who are just as passionate about the cause as you are. Here are six reasons why parents make great activists.

1. Parents have a vested interested in working for change. They want to make the world a better place for their children -- and their children's children. (Grandparents are parents, too, and they have time as well as passion to invest in their volunteer work.)

2. Parents get the job done. "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." That's how the old saying goes. And parents are some of the busiest people on the planet. They are pros at squeezing 25 hours of living into a 24 hour day. So be clear about what you're trying to achieve before you recruit parents to your cause. They don't have time for wasted time.

3. Parents have received fabulous on-the-job training for activism simply by being parents. Parents are their children's strongest advocates; and the skills they have developed in advocating for their children's needs within the school system, the health care system, or in the community allow them to advocate for others who may not be able to advocate as effectively for themselves.

4. Parents have staying power. Parenthood is, after all, a marathon event, not a sprint. Parents are used to sticking things through, even when the going gets tough. Very tough. "Why did I sign up for this thing in the first place?" kind of tough. That's why parents are among the most passionate and committed volunteers.

5. Parents have thick skins and that they aren't easily put off by the hairy-eyeball stare. What parent hasn't been told "You're not my friend" (or worse) by a furious three-year-old; or been on the receiving end of the withering stare of a less-than-impressed 15-year-old? Standing firm as a parent isn't the easy thing, but it's the right thing to do. It's excellent preparation for the tough stands anyone working for change may attract (and the hairy-eyeball stares or nasty comments that be or she may attract).

6. Parents are incredibly connected. This generation of parents is wired. They may not always be able to hit the pavement with signs and strollers, or to attend every fund-raising event, but, if they support what you're marching for, they're only a text message away. What's more, being wired allows them to share their passion for your cause with friends and family members -- yet another benefit of working with parents.

Related:

People for Education: People for Education is a parent-led organization working to support public education in Ontario's English, French, and Catholic schools.

Moms Against Climate Change on Facebook: TakeActionOnClimateChange.com is an initiative that gives a voice to parents: the people who care most about protecting the future of our children.

Junction Parents: Clean Air for Clean Lungs: Information about a rally that was held at Queen's Park last year by this local environmental group.

The Worst Moms: What is it With Our Fascination With The Underbelly of Motherhood?

Oh how the Internet loves its lists. It particularly loves lists of the awful, the bizarre, and the outrageous. And if those lists of the worst of the worst happen to feature celebrities and/or people who could be your next door neighbor behaving badly, well, all the better, it would seem.

So it's hardly surprising that lists (or video clips) of parents doing incredibly stupid things have become an online phenomenon.

The "worst moms" genre appears to be particularly popular, highlighting the dubious achievements of all kinds of moms: fictional, famous, and newly infamous. Time Magazine's list of the Best and Worst Moms Ever draws from the world of entertainment and features Mrs. Robinson and The Mother from Pink Floyd's The Wall. Meanwhile, Momlogic.com's list of the 10 Worst Moms in History includes the wolf spider (infamous for eating its young). And Bookfinder.com's list of the 10 Worst Mothers in Literature features scary fairy-tale moms and freaky horror-novel moms alike.

So what types of sins against motherhood have these moms, real and imaginary, committed in order to score a mention on one of these lists? Everything from maternal disinterest to being too sexy to not having the perfect family to behaving like a garden-variety sociopath (or worse).

And what is it that fuels the fascination with the worst of the worst? A little homegrown parenting anxiety, perhaps?

As MomLogic.com Teresa Strasser columnist noted in the introduction to her feature, The 10 Worst Moms in History, "At seven months pregnant, coming up with this kind of list makes me feel better about my own mom potential. Thank you for lowering the bar, worst moms in history."