The Unkindest Cut

Fifteen years after her name went on to live in late night punchline infamy, Lorena Bobbitt's name is still a joke. She, of course, was the wife of ex-U.S. Marine John Wayne Bobbitt who stood trial for cutting off his penis -- which would later be reattached -- after yet another night of drunken abuse. His violence towards her was, comparatively speaking, rarely mentioned. All the comics ever talked about is how she decided to put a stop to it.

While Lorena has stayed out of the spotlight since a jury found her not guilty by reason of temporary insanity - ex husband John Wayne has sought it out - making numerous TV appearances and starring in several highly publicized adult films.

"That kind of did bother me that he was, you know, going up and trying to make money off a tragedy and you know that was a tragedy. I mean if he doesn't consider it a tragedy then he's wrong," she said.

John Wayne has also had several brushes with the law including a 2003 domestic violence conviction.

"I hope that he's definitely seeking help. If he needs help because he does need help, you know, he keeps on abusing women and I'm working on my goal and I'm trying to focus on my life and I do have a new life," she said.

The focus of her new life is Lorena's Red Wagon - an organization which provides funds to abused women in shelters who seek mental health counseling.

Not long ago, that TV twit Tucker Carlson invoked Lorena Bobbitt's name in connection with U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton's campaign for the Democratic nomination for president.

"I think whenever she appears tough, I think it's good for her. I think she actually is tough. But the one thing we learned from the Lorena Bobbitt case is there's a great deal of resentment among women aimed at men. That's why Oprah's huge." Carlson continued: "I'm serious. Women are angry at men in a lot of ways. They don't say much about it, but they are. And she's pandering to that resentment and anger, and it's wrong." Nationally syndicated radio host Bill Press responded: "I think men have a reason to be angry at women based on what Lorena Bobbitt did." Carlson replied, "Well, I couldn't agree with you more. No man would ever defend the corollary. But women are like, 'Oh, I understand why Lorena did that.' I mean, they're really mad. And she's taking advantage of it."

Tucker also said, of Clinton, ''When she comes on television I involuntary cross my legs.''

(That shouldn't be too difficult for him, says I.)

Well, at least history will remember Bobbitt, and not Carlson.

The trend towards "Bobbitteering" is an indication of how rarely violence against women is taken seriously, and it functions to siphon serious attention away from a case which could be a valuable tool for education about domestic violence and its potent psychological effects. Instead, Lorena Bobbitt has become a joke: buttons calling for "Lorena Bobbitt for Surgeon General," T-shirts autographed by John Bobbitt himself that are emblazoned "Love Hurts," and snide jokes all devalue her experience and the importance of both her own trial and that of her husband (who was acquitted of rape). These jokes are also a subtle way of further detracting from the legitimacy of Lorena Bobbitt’s claims of violence and self-defense.

It's worth invoking Lorena Bobbitt's name now not for the cheap laughs at her expense -- and the expense of thousands of women -- but as a symbol for how media play down the very real issue of domestic violence and always go for the low blow.

Comments

[Kat]

It always amazes me that people forget Lorena Bobbitt didn't cut off her husband's penis on a whim or over a triviality... I wonder how snide her husband would have been if he couldn't have his penis reattached? I guess in this framework, he would have got the outraged victim role -- people would be reminded of his hurt and not the hurt that brought her to grabbing the knife.

[Adam]

I agree, Domestic violence is far overlooked, and only when it bubbles to a head and the victim does something to stop it, does it ever come into the media.
I don't see why men and women have to do so much damage to each other, especially if they're in a relationship.

[Bobbi]

Yeah, cause it is so tough to walk away in a country that is generous and comitted to helping women get out of violent relationships and situations. I would be lying if I didn't admit that every time I sign a check to a woman's shelter, or help line, or abuse and counselling program, I wasn't a little bit annoyed at the seeming unwillingness to just be an adult and take care of yourself. I'll keep signing the checks for as long as I am able, or until the services aren't needed anymore, but I get tired of women needing the help. Take the violent bastard to court and get on with your life or just walk away, it is easier in Canada to start over than just about any where else on earth. We live in one of the best societies in history. Equal means an adult repsonse to victimhood, not a continued bleat about how much it sucks to be a girl. Because quite frankly being a woman is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Good for Bobbit, its rotten that she was abused, her long term repsonse was a triumph.

[Adam]

Bobbi, you make some good points, but there are times when mental anguish can't simply be rid of with a few trips to court.

And it's not just women who are domestically abused. I think it's a common misconception that men aren't domestically abused.

[deBeauxOs]

Please understand that I'm not condoning the use of violence to settle domestic disputes. However. When you consider the number of femicides and the volumes of police and court documents that demonstrate that men are more prone to physically brutalize their intimate partners, you have to wonder exactly which gender hates its opposite the most.

In fact, most men's reaction to the Bobbit case should have been: "There but for the grace of god go I." since their crimes against their female partners were no less that JW's were.

[...pat.]

Bobbi, it is difficult to walk away. If it wasn't, we wouldn't need agencies to help women do that.

There is investment: physical, familial, emotional, financial, in the relationship. Sometimes it's hard to cut bait, and say enough is enough: he's not going to change, his apologies aren't trustworthy, I don't have to fear his threats if I walk away.

Don't blame the women.

[Shannon]

The sad truth about domestic violence is that it fundamentally changes the way a woman views herself. She no longer sees herself as separate from the man who abuses her. She blames herself for the abuse (if only she had made his dinner the way he liked it, if only she had watched what he said, if only she didn't push him to hurt her). And she believes what he says about her - that she is stupid and worthless and no one but him will ever love her.

Very often all of the family finances are controlled by him, so even if she is able to break the mindset he has spent years molding for her, she doesn't have the resources to leave. (And sadly, there are too few shelters for the number of women who need them.)

Statistics show a battered woman will try to leave her partner upwards of 7 times before she actually gets out of the relationship and once she does, that's when she's most at risk because that's when he's most likely to kill her.

When I was growing up in Brampton, a woman who lived down the street from me had the courage to leave her abusive husband. She took him to court and made him leave her home and her family. Afterward, he wrote a manifesto against her and distributed it to all the neighbours and he attached a winch to the top level of her home and pulled it down (apparently he believed the house was his and he was going to take it with him). Then one day when she was walking home from the grocery store with her her children, he attacked her with a baseball and beat her to death in front of their kids.

Bobbi, you're right. We do live in a wonderful country with many supports and freedoms, but our legal system has a long history of failing to protect abused women and children. Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely easy and, sadly, is also rarely the safe choice.

[Antonia]

Thank you Shannon.

Women don't leave for a lot of reasons, as you outline. But they also don't leave because of pets, and because they know that, if they do, their chances of survival will nosedive unless they disappear from their lives, jobs, friends, families ...

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2008/05/22/domestic_animal_abuse/

http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2007/06/11/abuse/index.html

[mozo]

Not being entirely facetious maybe that's a reason to avoid those "sexy bad boys" in the first place.

[Anna]

When people ask "Why don't women leave?", I wonder if they think that, out of nowhere, her partner hit her, beat her down, and left her battered and bruised. That it was the first time that she had been abused by him.

Often in violent relationships there's a gradual build up of things. It starts out with just snide comments or asides, asking someone to stop hanging out with their friends, slowly winnowing away support systems. Then it's the arguments, the yelling. Sometimes the next step is the "if you leave, I'll kill myself" ploy.

The first hit isn't the first attack. And by the time that hit comes, one already has the impression of "If only I were good enough, my partner wouldn't be like this."

I didn't leave a violent relationship, but it took a lot for me to leave the "if you leave, I'll kill myself" partner - because what if he wasn't just grand standing? What if he did kill himself? It took a lot to bravely walk away, and the truth is if I had left and he had killed himself, I'd be blamed for his suicide.

If only I had been good enough, my partner wouldn't have been like that, right?