Chew him up and spitzer out

Provocative, as usual, column from my friend and colleague Rosie Dimanno today, about ''cuckolded''  wives such as Elizabeth Edwards and Veronica Lario Berlusconi not ''manning up'' and suffering their cheating husbands silently.

Both have been profoundly wronged, certainly to hear them tell, which each is doing via the vehicle of biography and TV confessional, for one, and ambushing emails to the media, for the other.

Say what you will about husbands who are cads – as their respective spouses, disgraced Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards and Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi – appear to be. Yet males, even those who have been on the violated end of infidelity, are rarely wont to open a vein in public.

There are exceptions to this generalization, of course. But for the most part, men do not go whingeing to Oprah or pen avenging memoirs that simultaneously mortify a couple's children or wash the dirty BVDs out in the open.

I suspect this comes from the social conditioning of boys, who are still raised to not shed tears in public or otherwise reveal themselves as pussies. Girls, by comparison, are nurtured in the culture of tattle and tell-all grievance from the time they're subjected to their first schoolyard name-calling.

Females are inundated with mass media messaging – subliminal and overt – about bred-in-the-genes persecution, the biological and manifest destiny of their X chromosome, the gender for whom offence is endlessly done to.

The consequence, too often, is a kind of emotional indigestion with public burping as the antacid, especially for women who can command an audience.

They seek public validation for their pain.

Ummm ... and feel free to jump in here Rosie if you read this -- a guest post would be awesome -- but I don't think it's so simple.

For one thing, I don't think Senora Berlusconi is all that tearful. Instead, she's out kicking billion dollar butt.

For another, Edwards handled the situation when it happened with discretion and aplomb.

Like so many other politcal wives who are forced to stand by their man while they make tearful public mea culpas after being caught with their pants down with hookers or in men's rooms -- remember Eliot Spitzer's wife Silda? -- she is not curling up into a fetal position.

Maybe it was political opportunism on the Edwards' part -- although how anybody could believe this would never come out is kinda crazy. I truly believe Elizabeth took a ''this is nobody's business but ours'' approach.

Now she's cashing in. Good for her.

Of course I can't say how many male pols have been cheated on because, after all, the media aren't interested in what non-elected people do. Besides, cuckolded men tend not to hold news conferences. 

The only reason anybody cares what Edwards and Lario have to say is because their husbands were/are famous cheaters.

P.S.I know the origin of the word cuckold relates to the cuckoo but I liked this photo better.

Comments

[MensRightsNow]

Always remember:

Man cheats...he pays, loses his children
Woman cheats....he pays, loses his children

Man cheats...he's a scumbag
Woman cheats....."what did HE do wrong to drive her in to another man's arms?"

Marriage = so dead!

[skdadl]

Men don't reveal themselves in public? She's talking about John Edwards and Silvio Berlusconi? As I recall, it was John who did the full Merkin heartfelt confessional for network TV -- I remember watching that and thinking, "You stupid ass. There is no good reason to do this unless you are still trying to keep a political career alive."

And Berlusconi? Has anyone in history ever talked about himself as much in public as that clown?

I realize that these things go down differently in the soap-opera culture south of the border, which even the smarter politicians feel they have to pay lip service to, but to me, the only time these scandals are worth public attention is when someone is caught doing things he has actively persecuted others for doing -- cue a long line of Republicans here.

The Edwards didn't owe anybody anything in public, imho. Nor did Spitzer, although what happened to him looks so much like a political takedown, and I'm sure that story isn't finished yet.

But who did all the public babbling first in every one of these cases? Not the women.

[Chris McGrath]

Antonia --
Thanks for the props on Seb's blog... I appreciate your comment, and also am humbled to know that somehow I inspire a woman who inspires me as well -- I try to take a few moments each day to read your blog and absorb your commentary, helping me to think more critically about what I see/read/hear in the media...
The inspiration is mutual...
Best,
Chris

[Sebastian Stoker]

I hate to sound like a nit-picker, but the term "cuckold" can only be applied to a man. Attempts to broaden its usage seem rather barbarous, as the word is:
1) deeply rooted in the English language and western culture (see Restoration theatre).
2) so antiquated, it should be treated as an heirloom - tucked securely away, fondly remembered, respected.
This practice of resurrecting a word, only to broadly redefine it, consequently destroying its deeper significance, smacks of Newspeak. It is double-plus bad.

[Elvid Presliad]

If appearing on Oprah is a sign of discretion and cashing in when you're already wealthy is something to trumpet as a virture.
I think John Profumo and Valerie Hobson handled it the best. But, of course, a different age, before the mandatory public confessional and everybody has their price dominated the Anglo-American public culture and discourse.

[Antonia]

Thanks Sebastian. Actually Rosie deals with the word ''cuckold'' in her column. Read the whole thing.

As an aside, it's interesting to note that there is no equivalent disparaging word for wives being cheated upon. What oh what can that mean?

[Paul]

The equivalent disparaging word for a woman whose husband is unfaithful is "cuckquean".

[Niles]

Well, if you believe most stories of the past, the term is *wife*. The long suffering, no legal recourse, but sorta kinda legally protected spouse. But really, AZ, no equivalency comes from men being free of pregnancy themselves. And in round two of the lottery, historically getting all the marital property.

As for men not acting out emotionally. Uh, sure. No man has ever honour killed in the 'western' style. There aren't songs by the bushel about she done me wrong so I killed her. And maybe him. But definitely her. Which still far outnumbers women killing 'cheating' spouses.