What was meant to be a column about how much I love men -- from my late father and uncles to my
brother and brothers-in-law to ''my guys'' at the Star (who know who they are) to my neighbours who shovel my snow and change my BBQ propane tank to my lovers past and present and, yes, even to my ex-husbands -- took a turn just as I sat down to write it yesterday.
That's because, over the past couple of weeks, and in particular, ever since this post, Broadsides has been getting a lot of incoming from men's rights groups. I have to say that, ever since my first column on this beat, back in June 2007, which touched on femicide, I have been the target for a lot of hate mail from obviously disturbed men who are upset over losing custody, charges or abuse and other beefs with their former partners.
Now understand that I have also heard from many other men who appear to have legitimate cases against exes who have alienated their children against them, who have taken off with the kids, who have cut off access and/or who, well, you know how it sometimes goes. In fact, I have one girlfriend who is guilty of this kind of thing. She has gone out of her way to paint her ex-husband as a monster to their sons who now refuse to see him. He's heartbroken about it, and doesn't deserve it.
Today I received an email from one distraught grandmother. Read it and weep:
Like most people, I always heard stories about
deadbeat dads. It was always the father that was detached from his
children and refusing to support them financially. Now we are on the other side
of the story, the one that doesn't get heard.
Our son has endured over 9 years of fighting with
the mother of his child. He has every right to be angry for all that she
has put him and our grandson through but somehow, he keeps going . He has
always paid not only the court mandated support but half of everything that our
grandson needs.
We have a firm rule that nothing is to be said
against his mother while he is with us. That is not to be noble but
because we know it can only hurt GS but because we have read that the parent who
runs down the other parent will eventually be called to task by the child.
It does not work that way in her home. One of my most vivid memories of GS
is while all four of us were at the cottage. My husband and I returned
from grocery shopping. Our son was in the livingroom and he looked
upset. GS had fallen off the dock while doing something he wasn't supposed
to do. He had gone ballistic while being corrected and had gone into his
room and wouldn't talk. I asked if I could have a try. I can still
see that dear little boy, maybe 5, he was standing in a puddle of water.
His baseball cap was firmly on his head while water dripped down his face.
I starting talking. I told him how much his daddy loved him. I said
his daddy loved him more than anything else in the world. He said that his
mommy loved him more. I changed my words and told him that his daddy loved
him more than he loved anybody else. His next words were," Daddy doesn't
love me at all. He doesn't care about anybody but himself." Those
are not the words of a 5 year old child. They are the words of a woman who
has told this child for all of his life that his father doesn't love him,
doesn't want him and will someday leave him and not be there for
him.
I am sorry that I am rambling but I want you to
know that there are at least some of these men like my son who love their
children and have to fight on a daily basis for access to them. These men
have to fight the lies of women who for whatever reason don't want their
children to love them. I don't know where I son got the strength to go
through this with the grace and courage that he does. I am so proud of him
and how hard he has tried to get psychological help for GS but he can't without
the mother's consent. Please try to understand that there are some of
these men who are just not able to keep going and maintain their sanity with the
obstacles they face from bitter, angry ex-wives and girlfriends.
But these are not the men I was writing about when I launched into today's treeware piece on groups which plaster their websites with swastikas or are downright anti-Semitic while attacking all the advances women fought for over the past 40-50 years. Instead of directing their considerable energy to changing a system -- created and run by men -- they lash out at their perceived enemy, feminists.
Here's the column, in full, with some links added.
Did you know that the "feminist-dominated media" have created a "global gynarchia" in which "vaginocrats" rule the world?
Me neither.
Not until I started writing this column and hitting on topics such as domestic violence and reproductive choices.
Until
then, I always believed that, almost without exception, men run
religions, command the armies, make the laws, preside over the courts,
run the corporations and control the media.
But to hear so-called
men's rights groups wah-wah-wah about how "feminazis" and
"feminihilists" are responsible for everything from the breakdown of
the family to violent crime to child abuse to Islamofascism makes me
wonder whether I've been remiss in my observation that men are still in
the driver's seat.
Lately, I have become the target of some of
these "masculinists" who accuse me of promoting unequal rights for
women, misandry and much worse. Because my blog Broadsides has software
that allows me to track incoming hits, I can see that I have an
increasing number of visitors from such forums as AmericanWomenSuck.com
and StandYourGround.com.
Sites such as these – and believe me,
they are legion – are dedicated to "feminist horror stories" around the
"divorce industry" which deprives fathers of their children and
paycheques. Their other issues include the lack of resources for men
who are battered by their wives, false accusations of partner abuse and
rape, and last, but far from least, how men have no choice regarding
what a woman they've impregnated does. They can't stop her from ending
the pregnancy nor can they walk away from 18 years of support payments
if she chooses to go to term.
Now understand that all of these are legitimate concerns, with which I fully sympathize.
While
it's true, for example, that, according to the most recent Statistics
Canada reports, a minority of divorce decisions give sole custody to
the mother, thanks to a huge leap in joint custody awards, that doesn't
mean that fathers get "shared custody," which means the kids live
equally with both parents. In most cases, mothers still control access.
But
many men's rights groups take that concern to frightening lengths,
blaming no-fault divorce laws for allowing women dump their husbands
while thrusting their hands firmly in the men's pockets, if you get my
double meaning.
All of which ignores that most single
mother-headed families live in poverty. As StatsCan reported in 2007,
"Financial difficulties often follow marital dissolution, particularly
for women. In fact, 43 per cent of women who went through a break-up
had a substantial drop in their household income, compared with 15 per
cent of men."
Some bonanza.
These groups also beef that a
majority of divorces are initiated by women, and demand that marriage
become an "enforceable contract" – whatever that means.
Interesting,
considering how a 2002 study out of the University of Western Ontario
and Queen's University demonstrated that "abuse is the primary factor
in the decision to divorce" What's more, according to the 1993 Canadian
Violence Against Women Survey, 50 per cent of divorced women have been
victims of abuse.
Indeed, in 1996, the American Psychological
Association reported that men who beat their wives are twice as likely
to go for sole custody and to harass and intimidate their exes by using
the legal system.
So it's easy to conclude that, in many cases,
the most vehement of these men's rights types are angry over losing
control over their women.
Which might explain why, as much
research shows, post-divorce men suffer disproportionately from mental
health issues such as depression.
That they need counselling and similar services is evident. That's what they should be lobbying for.
But, judging from my email, instead, they turn to anger and abuse.
Feminists are the enemy.
Even in a man's world.
In 2003, a very controversial report on these groups was funded by Status of Women Canada. Titled ''School Success by Gender: A Catalyst for Masculinist Discourse,'' it was meant to analyze media discourse on how girls were advancing through school and, in many cases, doing better than boys. In the end, it concluded that a lot of these ''masculinist'' groups were tantamount to hate sites and that the government should monitor them. (Unfortunately, the report is no longer online and I have not read it.) Needless to say, conservative types lashed out. One men's rights advocate even sued, unsuccessfully.
While the idea of monitoring Internet sites for content strikes me as both a dangerous and counter-democratic idea, I have to agree that some of the content you'll find on them is sickening.
But reading through it all, I am reassured of one thing. The feminist fight is far from over -- and that I still have a job to do.
I can hardly wait for your comments.
UPPITY DATE: Somebody has pointed me to a pdf version of that controversial 2003 study. It's here.
Why pro-life people think this argument will “sway” women is beyond me.........I'm pasting a statement by a anti-choicer who actually sees stupidity in the argument.
Douglas R. Scott, president of Life Decisions International, worried that arguing "pain to the fetus" will only mean requests for anesthesia...which might make women more likely to go through with an abortion. "The mother can believe she is making a benevolent choice, even as she simultaneously participates in a heinous act," he wrote on Christian Newswire. "I can hear it now. 'At least the fetus didn't feel pain...'"
Jean and Steve:
You are denegrating women! It's offensive that you imply abortion is something us poor dimwitted women are coerced into. Women are fully capable of making correct choices for themselves
Anti-Baby? From what I see, Pro-lifers spread misleading information and use fear mongering and physcological warfare. Comparing women to Nazis, calling it the "easy way out" (yet at the same time explaining the easyway out leads to a lifetime of guilt and mourning - yah, really easy),telling women that abortion causes breast cancer, is just sick.
When you wake up today, you should get off your self righteous high horse. While you drink your coffee think of all the child slaves that lost their lives so you can have your perk. Look at your pyjamas and pray to god that the child who sewed them didn't lose another finger. How many kid's did you kill today so you could purchase useless crap at low prices?
You all seem to forget about that. How convenient. I suppose loudly opposing abortion is kind of like off setting that guilt. No wonder the most stringent anti-choicers vote conservative regardless of their promotion of selfishness (oops I mean individual freedom) and their total lack of empathy and regard for their fellow man. All they have to do is hold up the anti-abortion card and you line up like sheep, selfishly hoping it will give you a get in free pass at the pearly gates.
It doesn’t matter how horrific pro-lifers present abortion. It is a deeper issue. It is an issue, regardless of a women's stance ( for/against), that sounds off alarm bells. The inequality of women is very obvious.....especially to women.
Women are not valued as equals, the pro-life philosophy is an attack against our reproductive rights...or an attack simply for being a women.
That's why polls show Canadians believe in choice. Most Canadians get what's at stake. A National Post poll from November 2002 (there are many, many polls like this) found 78% of respondents answered "yes" to the question: "Should women have complete freedom on their decision to have an abortion?".
In a June 2008 Angus Reid Strategies poll found only 5% of Canadians would outlaw abortion altogether.
So....the majority of people, including those who personally disagree with abortion, agree it is still a women’s choice.
You need to wake up and look around at the inequality women face at home and worldwide. When you have governments that force abortions of female fetuses (because the women have NO choice - No is also a choice), governments that view women as nothing more than incubators, and the fact that the majority of anti-choice leaders are men (an estimated 70%) who happen to be the same ones who promote the insane “True Women Manifesto” (god ordained female submission to the man) the majority of women will stand together stronger. Women have no other option than to protect ourselves.
Pro-Choice is really a matter of survival for women.
Instead of sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, I suggest you look in the mirror and then start picking your own cotton, sewing your own clothes, growing your own coffee beans, and stop shopping at Wal-Mart.