What if the bear went after Carmen Miranda?

LAKE LOUISE, Alta. -- The Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise, an historic old hotel perched on the rim of a lake whose name you can probably guess, is the kind of place everyone should stay in once. Its spectacular views and sense of old-timey luxury ease the pain of $11 beers and $18 hamburgers.

After 11 nights of the place, though, with every corner of the place explored, the  shops combed through and the lake trail walked, that old reliable showed up: TV. And what an in-house channel the Chateau has.

There’s a loop that includes the usual propaganda, but also a 1942 musical called Springtime In The Rockies, allegedly filmed at the hotel, although there’s no sign that the 20^th Century Fox film crew ever set foot in the joint. Great shots of the lake and mountains, though, and in addition to the magnificent scenery, this probably was one of Betty Grable’s best pictures, which, granted, isn’t saying a whole lot. But Edward Everett Horton is the rich bumbler about to be parted from his money, John Payne chews the scenery and the great Carmen Miranda, she famous for the bananas on her head, is her usual outstanding self, wobbling around in English, dancing, smiling and stealing scenes. No fruit on her head, but she’s sometimes right there in front of stock shots of Lake Louise. Hubba-hubba.

It’s a typical old Fox musical, which is to say MGM was doing them much bigger and better back then. But it’s not terrible and, when it’s minus-23 degrees and snow is falling, it’s not entirely the worst option.

The other great show on the in-house loop is a half-hour instructional video that tells you how to handle a chance meeting with a bear. You’d think this might be worth about three seconds: “Hey, run like hell.’’

But no. It breaks down the way to back gracefully away while “reading’’ the bear. If it’s an aggressive bear, you supposedly get big and get loud and then fight back when it arrives. (Yeah, right). At some point, play dead, although that doesn’t sound too hard. If it’s a non-aggressive bear, speak in low tones while staying big, backing away slowly. They also showed you something called bear spray, which is a big aerosol can you hang on your belt and blast yon ursa before he rips your throat out. Very comforting.

Now, a guy watched this about eight nights after his first late-night walk and thought to himself, “Don’t these damn things hibernate in winter? That’s what they told us as kids.’’ The answer at the hotel was, “Most of them.’’

Most and not all? It might be time for another crack at Carmen.