Twin Freaks.

Much as we could use a boost in tourism, being morally straight now requires us to dissuade would-be visitors to Toronto. At least for now, until our double-headed mayoralty, the Twin Freaks of Doug and Rob Ford, slide or stumble into the dustbin of history.

 
Toronto mayors Doug and Rob Ford. (Toronto Star)

It has been the misfortune of Toronto the Good to have had just one terrific mayor in modern times, one sure not to embarrass us by giving public expression to his fear of being cooked and eaten by natives if he set out on an African summit to which Toronto's mayor had been elected; one who wouldn't ban the Barenaked Ladies from a Nathan Phillips Square event, taking the popular band's name literally during one of her few moments of not being AWOL; who wouldn't put us to sleep by transference of his own deeply embedded ennui.

We didn't so much vote for Doug and Rob Ford as vote against the aforementioned rare good mayor, David Miller. The retiring Miller was not on the ballot, but we voted against him anyway. He had scooped up for Toronto, on repeated trips to Ottawa, a goodly chunk of the federal stimulus funds, which is why the GTA this summer has been humming with work crews repairing the streets. He tried to shame both Grit and Tory feds to commit a tiny portion of the federal gas tax to Canada's spectacular - and spectacularly disastrous - infrastructure deficit of $123 billion just to replace ageing bridges, hospitals, water and power systems alone, never mind getting a leap on the 21st century. 

Miller, it was casually said, was in the pocket of the municipal unions, with whom he negotiated, in truth, no differently than previous administrations. He tried to ram bicycle lanes down our throats - the kind they've had in Amsterdam and Beijing for most of the previous century - thus launching a "war on cars." His city imposed all manner of user fees - including a 5 cent charge on grocery bags - to push us toward a truly green city. Actually, Miller was a non-radical common-sensical and hard-working leader, finally one for Canada's principal city to be proud of. So of course we could not wait to see the last of him, and get back to the mediocrity that is the norm in the mayor's chair of our burgh. 

In George Smitherman, we had a mayoralty candidate who was a bit of a hot-head but was a demonstrable success in getting things done as provincial health minister - that ministry being one of the biggest enterprises, public or private, in the nation. But Smitherman ran a lousy, complacent campaign. Worse, he seemed to many voters to be a progressive, an extension of the dreaded Miller who'd come before - someone who made us eat our oatmeal, forsaking Doritos for breakfast.

So we opted for the Ford brothers, not realizing we were electing two mayors sharing one brain, and that transplanted from a chicken. No one elected Doug Ford mayor, yet he now de facto shares that post with sibling Rob. Having done no homework on these thugs, we didn't realize, for starters, that they are thugs. Their operating style, if one must dignify it in those words, is to label as stupid and worse anyone who dares disagree with them. A comparison to schoolyard bullies is to insult schoolyard bullies.  

One cringes in looking at each day's front page. What pre-adolescent thing have the Twin Freaks done in the past 24 hours?

On the weekend, Rob apparently gave the finger to a mom and her six-year-old daughter who signalled to him he shouldn't be using his cellphone while driving. (Never a cop around when you need one.) Sigh. Yesterday, Doug did the same, metaphorically speaking, to some local notable, Margaret Atwood by name, who has dared speak out over Doug's hopeless ignorance about Toronto's supposed over-abundance of libraries. For Doug, our beloved library system should go on the chopping block along with everything else as the city struggles to close a $4-billion budget gap.

Doug Ford says he's never heard of this Atwood woman. Which, again, makes you wonder why we don't screen candidates for public office for basic knowledge and life skills. ("Does water run up- or down-hill?" "On which Great Lake is Toronto located?" And, of course, "How many fingers?") You've met the Doug Ford type, wearing his "I'm with stupid" T-shirt. His winning argument is that he has never heard of the source of contrary opinion cited, be it Copernicus, Tennyson, Mandela or Atwood, whose novels have been on the curriculum of European universities for three decades now. You've met Doug Ford's ilk, proud of their imbecility, possibly while making your way past a bar fight outside a sports bar from which you are attempting to retreive your daughter. At this point, I'd take losing contestants from "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" as passable replacements for the Fords.

But we elected these morons. Which means we deserve them. Really. A cursory look at Rob Ford's track record on council, such as it was, prior to the latest municipal election would show he occupied himself mostly with accusing his fellow councillors of pretty much every venial crime under the sun. He was a stuntman disguised as an officeholder, his hijinks stopping just short of the McCarthyesque gimmick of pulling a list of names of malefactors from his pocket but not letting us see it. A contributor he was not. An "energy drainer," as consultants say of noisome brats passing themselves off as adults who need to be excised from the office or classroom, the Fords were and continue to be.

As it happens, TPL, the Toronto Public Library system, is one of Hogtown's crown jewels, the largest library system on the continent as measured by books in circulation. The three libraries located in Doug Ford's Etobicoke riding - which do not outnumber Tim Horton outlets in his ward, as he claims (don't expect the Twin Freaks ever to do homework before making a bizarre assertion) - include a branch in an industrial area which Doug Ford regards as superfluous. Why, within a two mile drive either way, another library is to be found, he brays.

If you have a car, that is. In the Twin Freaks' worldview, everyone has a car, or should. (Or a gas-guzzling van, in Rob's case.) Which, alas, leaves out maybe half of us who can't afford one, or for a dozen different reasons choose not to own or use one.

This, sad to say, will be the norm until these deep-sea creatures are flushed from office. They will mock, vilify and reveal oceanic ignorance of one easy target for cutting after another - children's wading pools, walk-in medical clinics, and anything and everything to do with the arts, which as Richard Florida reminds us, tend to be the spark of urban renewal in distressed neighborhoods.

Gawd, to find myself missing Mel Lastman so soon...

 

Comments

[Richard Mcnamara]

I am insulted that you would use the term twins in such a way as to suggest that twins are in any way freaks. My concern is NOT about what your opinions are of Ford and his brother. You are entitled to your opinions. However, have you thought of the stereotype you are helping to persist about twins? Do you think of the twins that read your newspaper such as my kids who are under the age of ten?

[Mark]

Love it! Keep em coming!

[adam]

Richard, your an idiot or a troll, idk which one lol...

[Nicolle]

Mr. Mcnamara, I am sure if your twins (who are under the age of 10) are advanced enough to be sitting around with their morning coffee reading The Star. They will most likely understand the point the writer is trying to make and not take the twin reference personally.

[valerieinto]

Yes, "twin" refers to these brothers kind of looking like each other and being similar in what makes them "freaks": willful ignorance. The point remains we're all in trouble around here.

(Also look out for when the Minnesota baseball team does something heinous, in case something unsettling turns up in the Sports section.)

[Brian White]

David Olive, you're just as responsible as the Ford brothers, for your role in demonizing Miller and making these guys look appealing during the election. Own your role.

[Mark]

Is it possible to impeach Ford? Before he destroys the very fabric of our community?

[Antoinette Stirling]

David Olive, this is a brilliant commentary on the sad situation that has befallen Toronto the Good by the election of Mr Rob Ford! This article, is an excellent exposé of the Ford brothers' obvious personal limitations and their lack of a true vision for the City of Toronto!

[Dave A]

We need to be able to recall elected officials in our country. I know an entire ward that would sign on. Once that is done it is time to de-amalgamate. Leftwingkooks of the world unite!

[Rob]

Here in Calgary we have Mayor Nenshi. I voted for him after studying all the candidates because I thought he would do the best job.
He seems to be doing a great job. He promotes the city of Calgary and loves it like a first-born child. (PS. A little secret, it's the best city in Canada but please keep that to yourself)
Actually a very smart man and so freaking funny at times. Love the Nenshi.
A 2 for 1 trade with TO? No way. No trade for the Fords here.

[Shawnte]

Well done!

[Juanita]

Don't worry, Rob & Mike, Margaret Atwood probably won't take you on personally - after all, she has far too much honour to engage in a war of wits with a pair of completely unarmed opponents.

[JM]

Richard, I believe the title is also a play on words from the TV show "Twin Peaks".

Note that the show does not imply twins are actually made of mountains. Please don't be offended.

[Cavendish]

Great stuff. The 'twins' are an embarrassment to our city. Is there any way we can 'de-amalgamate' so we can see the last of their ilk?

[Who Dug? Oh yeh, me Dug!]

Who dis Atwood? She no like me an brudder. Me no like her! She a dumdum. Me show her like daddy show me in stock room when I bad bad kid. Stupid he call me. Stupid like a focks! Me an brudder super famos an smrt now.

[dolive]

Mr. Mcnamara, I'll start here as your comment gives me the greatest concern. I'm pretty sensitive about twins since two of my former sisters-in-law, still dear friends, are twins and I've absorbed more than 30 years of twins lore, studies and academic and medical surveys on the topic, which greatly interests me. As other commentors point out, the reference is indeed to the TV drama "Twin Peaks," a depiction of a moody, dark and bizarre place. I'm one of the few folks I know who thinks PC has been a great advance in our civility, and I did give this thought and felt it would not be offensive to twins. I am sorry it has caused annoyance for you.
Much as recall springs to mind with these two, it's a practice I don't care for. For that matter, I dislike term limits, which you notice we don't have in Canada. Term limits render U.S. presidents and governors lame ducks the moment they're elected to their second and last term. Unless you're Doug Wilder or Mark Warner, who became lame ducks when first elected since Virginia governors are limited to just one term. On recalls, was Schwarzenegger such an improvement on Gray Davis? (And I like Arnie's progressive-conservative politics, but California, with its multitude of ballot propositions, is simply impossible to govern.)
No, I'm afraid it's for the other 42 members of council to stymie the Fords' uncouth ways - a counterpoint leader or leaders need to emerge from among members of Council - and I suppose the media, though the boys take little heed of that except to be strengthened in their wonky behaviour even by constructive criticism. Mayors are weak in Canada, having just one vote on council like the others, and not having the power U.S. mayors do to write their own budgets and appoint department heads.
Which brings us to the remarkable Mayor Nenshi, who uses his "bully pulpit" to advance causes that strengthen Calgary, and in doing so he is a great credit to his city across N.A. I had him in mind, alas, in despairing at what Toronto has by comparison. And I'm sorry, Rob, but any thought of keeping Calgary a secret is long past - The Economist now ranks Calgary, out of 200+ world cities, as among the top 10 "most liveable" cities on the planet, so the secret has not only escaped Calgary but Canada. Brace for waves of immigration. And this is before Calatrava's remarkable, landmark Peace Bridge is completed, which will bring even more international attention.
Hi Brian: As it happens, far from demonizing David Miller, I regarded him during his entire time in office as one of our best mayors (and I'm a lifelong Torontonian). And I said so, though municipal politics was not my "beat" during his time in office. For that matter, the Toronto Star, as the Ford brothers will tell you, is regarded by them as an enemy (yes, they do think in terms of enemies and allies), and even the slightly more generous Globe they regard as "socialist" (watch the YouTube I linked to, where they berate the Globe's then city hall columnist). This is what I mean about anyone who disagrees with these guys. Really, I'd be afraid to draw to their attention that their shoelaces are undone, they're so hypersensitive to criticism. Quite apart from that, I didn't vote for Ford (oy!). So I have nothing to "own" on this one. Only the pro-Ford Sun does among media. (I didn't monitor the Post's campaign coverage.)

[Jim Rootham]

Rob Ford is Mel Lastman without the intelligence or class.

[geoff]

@dolive.. well said glad that there is someone who shares my distaste for having these two mouth pieces speaking on their behalf.

[Richard Cooper]

Dave A,

Here in Toronto we have Mayor Ford. I did not vote for him after studying all the candidates because I thought he was a right-winged screw-up as a councillor and would be the same as mayor.

He seems to be doing a terrible job. He hates the city of Toronto and hates it like the screw-up son who was too busy goofing off to go to the library and read anything beyond the name of his 50% sugar breakfast cereal, in a family of bright, determined, well-read, university and college educated kids. (PS I would like to think this is the best city in Canada, but am repeatedly embarrassed by the small minded non-visionaries we have elected (previous mayor excluded of course)).

He is not a very smart man and he is freaking scary at (all) times. When we laugh, we laugh at him not with him. Hate the Ford(s).

A trade with Calgary? Would any other city in Canada take this loser? Our only hope is that Ford Nation will rise up in revolt very soon.

[johnnyk]

Mel was funny at least, in the great Jewish stand-up comic tradition. These guys are ignoes and mountebanks. World crass!

[CQ]

The Star has gotten a lot of buzz over its Ward Two only Libraries vs. Tim's article. How about an extended comparison? I did that for a 7x7 km section Central West Toronto. 30 minutes review and the score was 21 - 21 plus two extras each. Why not make the honest comparisons borough by borough, suburb by suburb across all of the GTA?

This all reminds me an All in the Family sitcom episode. A black repairman visits, uses a pocket knife to carve and eat an apple. Archie visualizes a machete combined with an agressively surly attitude. Mike does the exact opposite and insists on there having been no knife at all.
We should look at closing a number of overlapping branches and also lowering salary costs. We should look at policing practices and costs as well.

I never expected anything better from voting for Rob Ford. IMHO, there was no other semi-reasonable, fiscally responsible, candidate throughout our entire city. And please don't say John Tory; that kool-aid aint and wasn't blue. Mayor Ford at the very least breaks up the entitlement culture of incumbency.

[Elaine N]

I m so jealous of Dave A in Calgary. We deserve a Nenshi.

Twin Freaks is the best piece I've read so far. As someone who "cringes in looking at each day's front page [and wonders] what pre-adolescent thing have the Twin Freaks done in the past 24 hours?", I needed some healing humour.

[Honey Novick]

The comments Mr. Olive has written about the Twin Freaks, albeit bleak, warms my heart. They are succinct, accurate and spurn me to City Hall this Thursday morning. Thank you so much Toronto Star for publishing David Olive's words. Thank you David Olive for your insights, courage and the ability to be articulate. There is an expression in Yiddish and Hebrew that says "Yasher Koach". It means have strength and is a blessing. Yasher Koach to all of us. However, if anybody ever listened to John Oakley on CFRB, prior to the mayor's election, we would have heard the oaf in his element.

[Lolita]

They're our very own Jeb and Dubya.

[Eric]

"He hates the city of Toronto," Richard Cooper observes, accurately, of Edsel.

So did Bad Boy Mel hate the urban City. As did Al Leach and Mike Harris, who set up a union-bashing, privatizing, cut-and-burn project with forced amalgamation, starting in 1995.

The Edsels are finishing the job for Al and Mike, albeit in such crude fashion that they have woken a lot of people up. (I'm hoping Etobicoke and Scarborough residents who supported this mayoral throwback realize they voted to cancel their rapid transit -- and do something about it.)

Say, does anyone remember the name of the consulting firm that Al Leach hired to tell him that amalgamating Toronto would be smooth and save money? Such integrity and vision that firm showed; we should hire them again.