Revealed: Poll Questions That Really Make You Think!

Good morning! How are you? What did you do last night? No way! That sounds like fun. Me? Oh, not much. I just polled 1,000 Canadians.
Actually, that's a lie. A market research firm did the polling. I merely came up with the questions.
Now, undoubtedly, there are killjoys people out there who will say these questions are – what's the word? – "idiotic." But you know what? These questions are the exact opposite of idiotic!
Do idiotic questions slice into our collective consciousness? No! Do idiotic questions gauge popular opinion and provide an accurate reading on what people feel deep inside their voting hearts? Hell no!
These questions are a mirror into our soul, Canada. So stop fogging it up and ask yourself this: "Which leader would make the best circus clown?"
Without further ado, the historic partnership between Election Fever and Asking Canadians is proud to present Five Shockingly Brilliant Questions That Really Make You Think:

1. Which leader would make the best travel partner?
Jack Layton          35 (percentage)
Stephen Harper    28
Elizabeth May       20
Stéphane Dion      10
Gilles Duceppe      7

Analysis: Layton winning this is not surprising. After all, he has great energy, which is what you need for sightseeing and getting lost on foreign adventures. He could also arrange some decent hotel deals by simply guilting the owner. But Harper is No. 2? Really? Somehow, I can't imagine him thumbing through a Fodor’s Travel Guide and posing in front of this thing.

2. Which leader would you not loan money to?
Stephen Harper   33
Stéphane Dion     28
Gilles Duceppe    22
Jack Layton        12
Elizabeth May      5

Analysis: Now this is very interesting. The Conservatives keep yammering on about fiscal responsibility, about how they're like the only ones who can manage the economy. But these results suggest few of us would spot Harper a 20 if he fell on hard times.

3. Which leader would you trust most as a house sitter?
Stephen Harper    29
Elizabeth May      29
Jack Layton         22
Stéphane Dion     14
Gilles Duceppe     7

Analysis: Okay, now I'm confused. We don't trust Harper with our hard-earned cash but we'd let him into our house when we're off vacationing with Layton? Also, why is May tied for No. 1? Can she really be trusted to water our plants more than, say, Dion? On the upside, she'd probably take it upon herself to replace all your inefficient light bulbs. On the downside, your neighbours would probably move while you were gone, thanks to her incessant, over-the-fence hectoring.

4. Which leader would make the best godparent?
Stephen Harper    29
Jack Layton         27
Elizabeth May      23
Stéphane Dion     13
Gilles Duceppe     9

Analysis: Shrug. I guess Harper would make a good godparent, even if he kept buying sweater vests as birthday presents. And Layton, yes, he'd also be good. As for Duceppe finishing last, well, think about it this way: Do you want little Timmy coming home each afternoon and yelling, "My classmates and I need to separate from the rest of school! They don't get us!"

5. Which leader would make the best circus clown?
Stéphane Dion     36
Gilles Duceppe    22
Stephen Harper   19
Jack Layton        18
Elizabeth May      6

Analysis: At long last! Dion finishes first in a poll! Ladies and gentleman, now under the big top, watch as the Prime Minister of Flaming Hoops gets catapulted out of this cannon in his giant red sneakers!

(A special thanks to Elliott Chun for facilitating all of this.)

Canadian Press

Stop kissing me, please. I have lions to tame.

McIggy

It's Day 23 and I simply must ask: Why are Egg McMuffins so damn addictive? Seriously. Why? Where do they get these eggs? Why am I unable to replicate this McDelicious in the comfort of my own kitchen? Actually, this one time I came close. The secret? Crumpets, lightly pan-toasted.
Give this some thought, will you, and let me know.
In the interim, let us now turn our attention to Deputy Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff. This morning, he addressed well-heeled delegates at The Economic Club of Toronto. His speech was titled, "Are Tory Times Tough Times? Stephen Harper's Economic Legacy and the Liberal Alternative." It could have just as easily been titled, "Don't I Sound Way More Prime Ministerial Than Dion? Friends, This Situation Is Patently Ridiculous!"
Since I was busy enjoying my breakfast sandwich, I asked an Election Fever intern – Jake – to transcribe the speech.
"Sir, do I have to write down everything he says?" Jake asked.
I dabbed my mouth with a napkin and shot him a withering glance.
"Jake? Is this not the most important election since, like, last year? Is it not incumbent upon us, as bloggers, to document the proceedings and create a detailed record voters can consult before electing a leader during this epochal period in our history?”
Then we both started laughing and Jake begged for one of my hashbrowns.
Okay, so here are Seven Random Quotes from today's event:

1. "Stephen Harper has the unique record of being the first prime minister in 50 years to preside over an actual decline in Canadian productivity."
2. "We've got an economy in difficulty and we've got a prime minister in denial."
3. "We are facing the crisis with a government that doesn't actually believe in government."
4. "Harper loves power. He wants as much of it as he possibly can. But he doesn't like government. He fires nuclear regulators who get in his way. He dismantles the inspections that keep our food system safe. He wants to shrink government, weaken it, at exactly the moment when the whole world is turning to government to dig us out of this financial mess."
5. "Canadians want a government that appeals to their dreams instead of pandering to their fears. A government that has a plan, not an ideology. A government that is as sensible, middle of the road and practical as most Canadians are. And that, my friends, means a Liberal government."
6. "Liberals believe in sound money, balanced budgets, low taxes and personal responsibility. We're proud of our serving men and women and we're tough on crime when we need to be. Okay? Is that clear?"
7. “What separates us from the Conservatives is that we believe you can't have an efficient economy unless you have a just society. Anyone remember that little phrase?"

                                                     [Applause. Fade Out]

Clear, articulate, hard-hitting and combative. I don't know who wrote the speech. But he or she should definitely freelance for Mr. Dion.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again

Stephen Harper took a break from majority planning to deliver a speech last night at the 50th anniversary of Richview Collegiate Institute. Summary: This is one truly awesome nation!

"I've been to many beautiful and wealthy places and to countries and neighbourhoods that are poor and dangerous beyond imagination. And it all only reinforces my belief in how fortunate we are as Canadians – the boundless promise of our country, a country with peace, prosperity and potential unlike anything humanity has ever known."

You see? He's not a scary monster with a hidden agenda. He's just an everyday dude who, as a quiet kid, played road hockey, studied hard and delivered the… Toronto Star? What? Do his Conservative pals know this? Good lord, now that is a biographical factoid he shall never live down.

Also this weekend, we ran a yearbook photo of Mr. Harper.

According to the accompanying blurb, young Steve was active in the "apathy movement" and his pet peeve was "reality."
Based strictly on the nerdtastic snap, young Steve also wasted hours playing Space Invaders while cranking ELO in his wood-paneled basement. Occasionally, friends would pop in and a spontaneous game of spin-the-bottle would erupt. During these moments, Steve would fiddle awkwardly with the giant collar on his polyester shirt. Then he would politely excuse himself and retreat to his bedroom where he would dance naked in front of a mirror while listening to ABBA and dreaming about bilateral trade agreements.

Saturday Poll: Liberals Losing Ground to Marijuana Party

                                 

From a Canadian Press story today:

OTTAWA–Jack Layton's New Democrats have been reaping the benefits of an ongoing slide in Liberal support, a new poll suggests.
The latest Canadian Press Harris-Decima poll gave the NDP the support of 19 per cent of respondents, up from 14 per cent at the start of the campaign.
The poll gave the Conservatives 38 per cent support, followed by the Liberals at 23 per cent, with the Greens and the Bloc Quebecois tied at nine per cent.
The result puts intense pressure on the Liberals and embattled leader Stephane Dion to deliver a tour-de-force performance in next week's leaders' debates.

That last sentence made me giggle. Talk about unrealistic expectations. Intense pressure to shine during a... debate? As in... talking? Yes, this should end well for the Liberals. Next, maybe Dion can challenge Michael Phelps to a swimming race.

Canadian Press

"Nice to meet you! Vote for me and I'll stop squeezing your hand!"

Your Caption Here: Tripping Or Funky Chicken?

Friday Mailbag: Random Email

"Hi. I was just reading your blog. Why are you being so hard on Dion? He is much smarter than you seem to think. Stop going with the flow and start thinking for yourself."

Did this email come from a Liberal insider? An outraged party loyalist? No and no. It came from my mother.
Jeez. Tough crowd.

Political Follicles

As election day quickly approaches - and by "quickly" I mean "slowly" - The Star continues to offer readers exhaustive coverage that is insightful, smart, contextualized and crackling with brilliant reportage. Of course, you'll find none of that on this blog.
Instead, let us now turn our attention to the scalps of our leaders. The marketing/market research website Asking Canadians has been asking Canadians some interesting questions.
To wit: “Which political party leader has the best hair?”
The results:
Stephen Harper   37%
Elizabeth May     19%
Gilles Duceppe    18%
Jack Layton        17%
Stephane Dion     9%

Now that's just weird. No offense to the Prime Minister, but his hair looks like it was manufactured in a Silly Putty test lab. And what? Layton finished ahead of Dion? Last time I checked, Layton had more hair on his lip than on his head.
Anyway, I caught a segment yesterday on CBC Newsworld, in which "Ottawa hairstylist Rinaldo" – he's taken scissors to the heads of Diefenbaker, Mulroney, Trudeau and Harper, among others – compared the locks of our leaders.
"Mr. Harper has great hair," Rinaldo said. "Mr . Dion, it's a little bald, but he has good hair, too."
As for Elizabeth May, who finished second in the aforementioned poll, Rinaldo suddenly sounded like a politician: "Well, I think I need an hour with her."
If hair was an issue, sadly, none of these people would get our vote.

A New Kind of Strong

Question: Why are NDP ads more effective than Liberal ads? Answer: Strong leader.
As a (Liberal) friend said the other night, "Imagine how different this race would be if Layton was our guy."

Re: Give More Pleasure To Your Lady Now!

It's Day 20. I remain in an undisclosed location, fighting the urge to poke a sharp object into my eyes. I had a strange dream last night. Stephen Harper came over for dinner. We had meatloaf. It was a dream, so there were visual oddities. For example, my dining table was suddenly festooned with gargoyles. My cats had stripes, like zebras. And instead of his regular head, Harper's face was a giant sunflower.
"So what are you going to do about spam?" I asked the sunflower.
"We're going to crack down on it"
"That's good. And price gouging?"
"We're going to crack down on it."
Suddenly, all the petals fell from around Mr. Harper's face. He smiled and glanced to the right, as the dreamscape turned black. Then he asked for a doggy bag and vamoosed with big slice of meatloaf.

When The Man Gets You Down

"We need to stop this man."
This is what Stéphane Dion recently said about Stephen Harper. It's a punchy line, one that is both urgent and foreboding. High-placed sources tell Election Fever the sentence, one of the few that's successfully tumbled from Mr. Dion's lips, will be tweaked in the days ahead.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, and demanding a cheeseburger and fries in exchange for a secret internal document, this is what Dion is expected to say as he ratchets up the rhetoric:

September 28:  "We need to slap this man!"
September 30:  "We need to put this man in a headlock!"
October 3:        "We need this man to take a hike!"
October 5:        "We need to severely beat this man!"
October 6:        "We need to make this man pay – big time!"
October 8:        "We need to remember this man might not be a man!"
October 10:      "We need to tickle this man until he cries!"
October 11:      "We need to kick this man in the groin!"
October 12:      "We need to swarm this man!"
October 13:      "We need to push this man into a muddy puddle!"
October 14:      "We need to not vote for this man!"
October 15:      "We need to work with this man!"