The Conservatives released their plan this afternoon. If you missed Stephen "The Dude" Harper's speech at a joint gathering of the Canadian and Empire Clubs, here's a summary, as generated by my trusty Cliché-o-Matic 1000:
- Slow and steady wins the race!
- We're on the right path!
- We don't make promises we can't keep!
- Discretion is the better part of valour!
- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!
- U Can't Touch This!
And here's a more detailed timeline:
12:35 p.m.: The Dude gives a shout-out to his Conservative peeps in the audience. For a minute, he almost looks happy.
12:37: Good lord! A protester disguised in a fancy suit has infiltrated the swank gathering! He stands and waves a “Stop Global Warming” placard. As the man is led away by security, The Dude gets off a good unscripted line: "You'll have to make sure you get (the protester’s) brochures in your historic book of speakers."
12:44: The Dude is now comparing himself and this election campaign to... Noah’s Ark? No, seriously. I’m no Biblical scholar but I'm pretty sure this means Liberals, Greens and NDPers are about to drown.
12:47: Good news for China: The Dude intends to abolish tariffs on imported machinery!
12:49: Good news for grease monkeys and rocket scientists: The Dude plans to invest $200 million in the auto and aerospace sectors!
12:50: Fifteen minutes into the speech and The Dude finally starts a sentence with, “Let me be clear…” breaking his previous record by 12 minutes and 41 seconds. Well done, Dude.
12:51: What's important to The Dude? Balanced budgets, lower taxes and controlled spending. What's not important to The Dude? Smiling.
12:52: Funny story. Our platform? Yeah, fully implemented, it will cost less than $3 billion per year. That's chump change! Our opponents? THOSE FREAKY McSPENDERS ARE FLOATING PIE-IN-THE-SKY PLATFORMS THAT WOULD REQUIRE 10 TIMES THAT AMOUNT!
12:53: The Dude wonders if his opponents think money grows on trees. The Dude wonders if his opponents live in a fantasy world. The Dude abides.
12:55: The Dude rattles off all the things the Conservatives will NOT be doing. They will not raise taxes! They will not impose a carbon tax! They will not cancel planned tax reductions for business! They will not run a deficit! And they will not, under any circumstance, stop getting their hair styled at SuperCuts.
12:57: The Dude is now unveiling his planned “tax-free savings account.” To be launched in 2009, "Canadians will be able to set aside savings that the government will never be able to tax again." Can I just say something? The Dude just got my vote.
12:59: Go left or go right? Pick one fast because, according to The Dude, "Canada has reached a fork in the road!"
1:00: The Dude leaves the suits in stitches with this closing quip: "If we do not win re-election, it will make Bob Rae's Ontario look like a boomtown." Oh, snap.
|"Friends, with this hand, I plan to slap our opponents back into last week."|