Breaking News: Dion Is Making Me Really Dizzy

It's Day 14. You know what this means: Time to get out the Dion Green Coin and give it a good toss in the air. Flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop... it just landed on the floor! Let's have a looksy. Yes, the Green Shift is back on!!! For now. Right now. Ten minutes from now? Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

I just felt a surge of sympathy for anyone who has taken a fast-food order from Mr. Dion:

"Yes, can I have hamburger? No, you make me please chicken sandwich. No, hamburger! No, chicken! No, hamburger! No, chicken! No, fries and pie. No, no, no. You know something? I not even hungry! Au revoir."

Saturday Poll: Liberals Continue Brave Struggle For Irrelevance

From a Canadian Press story today:

A new poll suggests the Liberals have slipped slightly in popular support, with the NDP gaining ground and the front-running Tories holding steady.
A Canadian Press Harris-Decima survey taken over the last four days shows the Tories have maintained 38 per cent support, followed by the Liberals at 23 per cent, down two points from Friday's figures.
The poll puts the NDP ahead at 17 per cent, gaining two points from the previous day, the Green party steady at 12 per cent and the Bloc at eight per cent support.

So, let's see: A leader that's struggling to connect with voters? Check. A major platform policy few Canadians understand? Check. Internecine squabbles? Check. Emergency life-support from the front bench? Check. A big, fat, flip-flop? Check.

Gosh, I'm stumped. The Liberals should be running away with this thing.

When Green Fades To Grey

Okay, I'm no political expert. But this doesn't seem particularly wise.

If Elected, We Shall Give Every Canadian A New Puppy

It's high-noon on Friday, the Day 13. And already So. Many. Promises.
Election Fever is now accepting bets on when each of these promises will be ignored, amended, dismissed, watered-down, nullified, shot, smothered and just plain forgotten.

Your Caption Here: The Comeback Kid

Colin McConnell, Toronto Star

I alive! This is the first of many hugs I give you, my beautiful country of Canada!

Iggy Gets Jiggy In Whitby For StumpMaster D

It's Day 13. Make that Friday, the Day 13. Bwahahaha!
To recap the week: After getting pounded by right uppercuts and round-house kicks to the solar plexus, the Libs decided to stop cowering in the fetal position. Rallying around their battered leader, a prominent gang of party toughs emerged from the shadow of rolling polls and opposition gaffes to storm the political ring.
"You want some of this?" Bob Rae seemed to be asking on Tuesday, removing his shirt and taping up his knuckles. "Come here, Stevie-boy. Let’s talk about your leadership."
Ken Dryden, a fellow who normally brings a knife to a gunfight, could be seen loading ammo into his howitzer. Even Gerard Kennedy, the mild-mannered kingmaker, looked eager to give a Conservative – any Conservative – a sound lashing.
Today, it's Michael Ignatieff who is ready to rumble. He'll be in Whitby, to discuss the auto industry and economy. This will involve trash talkin' his opponents on the same.
Earlier this morning, the Deputy Liberal Leader appeared on CBC Newsworld and hissed things like, "The Green Shift stuff has always been an economic message," "When you have one-man rule, you get train wrecks," and, on Dion, "This guy is up to the job. This guy is ready to lead."
The country? The entire country? Are you sure? 
Ignatieff also said Canadian voters know a thing or four about the Liberals:
1. "They know that we are fiscally responsible."
Oh, snap!
2. "They know that we will pay down the debt."
Yeah!
3. "They know that we will invest in infrastructure."
Hell yeah!
4. "They know that we are a safe pair of pants."
Yeeaa... What?
Somewhere, at this very moment, Liberal propagandists are contemplating a new bumper sticker: "A Vote For Harper Is A Vote For Dangerous Trousers."

Will the Conservatives flinch? Let's remember: The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about the Green Shift.

Oh, it's on.

Dude, Where's My Resignation?

As my colleague Joanna Smith reports, Dana Larsen, the NDP candidate in the riding of West Vancouver-Sunshine Coast, resigned yesterday. This came not long after The Globe and Mail inquired about his involvement with the Vancouver Seed Bank, "a business that sells Peruvian coca seedlings." (Which can be used to produce this.)

This morning, CBC Newsworld aired footage of a video Larsen shot in the hazy past. In this homage, Larsen tilts his head back and squeezes a few mysterious drops into his mouth, simultaneously puffs on dozens of joints, gets "nice and fried" near a body of water and stares at the architectural majesty that is his foot.

Larsen, it should be noted, co-founded the B.C. Marijuana Party and Marijuana Party of Canada, he hosted an Internet program on Pot TV, was editor of Cannabis Culture Magazine and author of Hairy Pothead and the Marijuana Stone.

So it’s not like the NDP was unaware of his, ahem, mandate. This raises a question: Why exactly did Larsen resign? I shall now take 10 wild guesses:

1. While hallucinating this one time, a salt-shaker turned into Jack Layton and vowed to kill him in his sleep.
2. He suddenly realized he has no “contacts” in Ottawa.
3. The boat refused to provide a receipt for the amulet the cloud stole.
4. He got sick of all the dirty looks at NDP meetings whenever he went outside for a “toke break.”
5. During a bad trip, he concluded Stephen Harper is the true Lizard King.
6. He already blew most of his campaign budget on Doritos.
7. After an epiphany, he decided to devote his life to Confucianism.
8. He became certain Olivia is his soul-mate.
9. Who poked me? Teddy? Is that you???
10. The unicorn said it was time for a change.

No Respect, No Respect At All

Federal Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz has apologized for “tasteless and completely inappropriate” jokes. As the Canadian Press reported last night, Ritz used an Aug. 30 conference call with scientists, health experts and government officials to showcase his gallows humour.
The call, about the listeriosis crisis, inspired the following comedy:

Ritz: “This is like a death by a thousand cuts. Or should I say cold cuts.”

Ritz (after being told about a new death in Prince Edward Island): “Please tell me it’s (Liberal MP) Wayne Easter.”

HAHAHAHAHA… sigh. Who knew a bacterial outbreak responsible for 17 deaths could be so hilarious? Clearly, Ritz is wasting his time in politics. He should quit and become a stand-up comic, touring cancer hospitals and funeral homes from coast to coast.

Sex and The Prime Minister

First, Geri Hall from This Hour Has 22 Minutes rattled the security detail while declaring her intention to, ahem, love the Prime Minister. Now, Mr. Harper has inspired his very own Crush song, a la Obama. Handcuffs? Booty calls? Groupies skulking through the bushes at 24 Sussex?

Regardless of your political leanings, I think we can agree on this: Disgusting! Stephen Harper? You are a family values man with a regrettable haircut! You are an asexual nerd! You have the charisma of a butternut squash! Keep it this way. Please. Don't go Hollywood on us now.

Day 11: Promises, Promises

It's Day 11. I don't know about you, but it kind of feels like Day 8. Or maybe it was Day 4. Anyhow, our fickle fearless leaders are back on the campaign trail this morning:

1. Stéphane Dion won't need to rely on his geriatric plane as he weaves through London, Kitchener and Hamilton. Note to Dion handlers: Maybe he should try Latin or Swahili today? Couldn't hurt.

2. Stephen Harper takes his Everyman routine into Welland. The Conservatives are clearly targeting female voters. So don't be surprised if Harper promises universal access to spas. Or maybe he'll propose a new law that would make it illegal to watch sports channels between the evening hours of 7 and 9, when, really, Canadians should be talking about their day.

3. Barack Layton is in Toronto. Sources say he plans to visit at least 50 different kitchen tables this afternoon, where he'll tell average Canadians things such as: "It's time for a change," "You say you want a revolution?" "Hope should be hopeful," "Stephen Harper hates your friggin' guts!" and "Hey, do I have French toast crumbs in my mustache?"

Godspeed, compatriots!