Should last night’s leaders debate be turned into a play? Probably not. But could it be turned into a play? Absolutely!
Election Fever is now proud to present the blogosphere premiere of Much Ado About Nothing In Ottawa, starring Stephen Harper, Elizabeth May, Stéphane Dion, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe.
Act 1: The Economy
[Four men and one woman are assembled around an irregular-shaped table. They look nervous, tired but determined to connect with “voters.” First, they must discuss the nation’s financial situation.]
May: “Canada’s economic health needs to be buttressed quickly.”
Dion: “We have an action plan that I released yesterday.”
Harper: “Last night, Stéphane, you panicked. You came on the set and announced a whole new economic plan in the middle of a national debate.”
Layton: “We need some action.”
Duceppe: “Harper believes in the invisible hand.”
[Just then, a visible hand – glowing with poll-based envy – prompts everyone to gang up on Harper.]
May: “Where’s your platform?”
Layton: “Either you don’t care or you’re incompetent, which is it?”
Dion: “Doing nothing is not an option!”
May: “Mr. Harper, you are so out of touch with people.”
Layton: “I don’t know who you get your advice from, whether they’re all CEOs from Bay Street or Mr. Howard or Mr. Bush.”
[Harper smiles wanly, his lipstick glimmering under the hot lights. Duceppe, who has yet to blink or exhale, raises his voice an octave.]
Duceppe: “Reimbursable? Reimbursable tax credits? Are you telling me that? I’m asking you a question!”
[Now in a treetop, away from the others, Layton shakes his head and peels a banana. He turns to Dion, who is licking a piece of bark.]
Layton: “I don’t know why you kept him in power so long if you disagree with him so much.”
[As the curtain falls, Layton’s voice can be heard, echoing from the treetop.]
Layton: “You say you’ve got a plan, where is it? Where’s your platform? Under the sweater?”
Act 2: Taxation
[Now inside a concrete bunker, the leaders crouch forward in their bamboo chairs, squinting at a massive video screen. On it, an average Canadian asks something about taxes and the environment.]
Dion: “You are asking one of the key questions of the century!”
Layton: “What we should be doing is making those big polluters pay.”
Duceppe: “Those who pollute have to pay.”
May: “As former president Bill Clinton puts it, ‘The climate crisis represents the single biggest economic opportunity in the history of humanity.”
[Soon, the leaders are outside, dwarfed by thousands of industrial chimneys that dot the horizon like gravestones. Plumes of black smoke hang above their heads. The leaders are now coughing and spitting up bile. Well, not Harper. He laughs. Then he dances maniacally atop a thick document known as “The Green Shift.”]
Harper: “I encourage viewers to look at the actual table in the Liberal plan which makes clear that the tax increases are twice the size of the tax reductions. That’s why the package would be a tax increase.”
Dion: “Mr. Harper, it’s a lie!”
Harper: “You have 40 billion dollars in carbon taxes and 26 billion dollars in cuts – ”
Dion: “—Not at all!”
Harper: “And you have—”
Dion: “Why are you saying that"
[Later, Duceppe sits down and picks up a glass of water.]
Duceppe: “Let’s say this is an oil barrel...”
Act 3: Health Care
[The sun has vanished. A chill fills the air. But let’s be clear, Stephen Harper really likes the phrase “Let’s be clear.” Under a full moon, an owl can be heard. It whispers: “Jack, don’t forget to mention Tommy Douglas at least twice.”]
Harper: “Let me just be very quick on this. I use the public health care system. My family uses the public health care system. In fact, in the last federal election campaign at one point it turned out I was the only national leader actually who had used exclusively the public health care system.”
Disembodied Voice: “That sounded like a shot. What is that a reference to?”
Harper: “Well, my understanding is that other leaders have used private clinics. I’ve never used a private clinic.”
[Confusion abounds. What is he saying? Who uses a private clinic? The leaders scramble to produce their provincial health cards.]
Layton (scowling): “It’s a cheap shot.”
Act 4: The Arts
[The leaders are now shown individually, in silhouette, sitting around their respective kitchen tables and doodling stick figures on napkins.]
Duceppe: “My father was a well known comedian.”
May: “Arts and culture are an essential part of a democracy.”
Dion: “First, it’s fun!”
Harper: “I enjoy the arts immensely. I play a little bit of piano.”
Layton: “Well, the arts is very important to Olivia and I. She’s a sculptor. I’m not particularly talented in any of these fields but I enjoy the arts and they’re part of our soul.”
[Across the nation, sculptors can be seen bawling into their tattered sleeves.]
Act 5: The Rate of Violent Crime
[Bang! Bang! Bang! The thought of American-style gun violence suddenly forces all the leaders to run for rhetorical cover!]
May: “We need to ban semi-automatic weapons.”
Dion: “Behind each crime is a human tragedy.”
Layton: “There’s no reason for a handgun on the street of a city except in the hands of a law enforcement officer.”
[Ironically, a few minutes later, violence nearly erupts between Layton and Dion after the latter suggests the former helped Harper do a drive-by shooting on the Kelowna Accord.]
Layton: “It’s simply not true!
Dion: “Yes, it’s what you did!”
Layton: “And you’ve supported Mr. Harper 43 times… If you can’t do your job as leader of the opposition, I don’t know what you are doing running for prime minister.”
[Layton leans forward, practically shoving his moustache into Dion’s furrowed brow. Harper tries but fails to stifle a giggle.]
Act 6: Afghanistan
[The leaders are now seen on a mountaintop, not far from Kabul. Each has a pair of binoculars dangling around their neck. They are also carrying a canteen and a flag. Some of these flags are emblazoned with a skull and bones; others are plain white.]
Layton: “Canada’s voice should be a voice for peace!”
May: “The NATO mission isn’t working!”
Harper: “If we never leave will the job ever get done?”
Dion: “I want my Canada back.”
Act 7: If I Was Prime Minister…
[In flashback, as children, the leaders sprint through an open field with grass as green as an emerald. They are laughing and singing and wondering what it would be like to lead Canada. Suddenly, the sky gets dark. A fierce and angry rain pelts the children, who are screaming on the inside.]
Duceppe: “Well, I know I won’t be prime minister. And three of you won’t be prime minister, neither. Some of you know it, but you don’t say it.”
Act 8: Voter Apathy
[Now back around the irregular-shaped table, another average Canadian appears on a screen. She says she doesn’t vote anymore. Too many broken promises. Too many reasons to distrust the leaders.]
Duceepe: “I understand those people.”
May: “I’m a former lawyer who has become a politician and I somehow wonder if I’ve dropped down to a level where I’m just slightly above the paparazzi in terms of public esteem.”
Harper: “I travel around the world and there are so many places where elections do not happen at all or they do not happen democratically.”
[Suddenly, the visible hand reappears. It is joined by a visible mouth that once belonged to Paul Martin. The mouth speaks: “This is your last chance! You must destroy Harper before he destroys you!”]
Harper: “Take a look at our platform”
May: “Where is it?”
Layton: “The sweater is nice but they’d like to know what your plans are.”
May: “You decide that if a law is something you don’t like, or a contract is something you don’t like, you just sweep it across the table, don’t you? You just decide it doesn’t matter because your word is law. That’s no way for a prime minister to behave.”
[The moderator, one Steve Paikin, appears like an apparition. He is wearing a cape and, for some reason, he has five eyes. Hoping to defuse the situation, he begins to perform some stand-up material.]
Paikin: “That’s our time. And you know what? This was way better than Biden and Palin, I’m sure of it. I’m absolutely sure of it.”
[The leaders rise and launch into a spirited rendtion of O Canada. They link arms and high-kick to and fro as the curtain falls.]
THE END
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