How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack (the book)

 

(Slightly frightening image is from www.howtosurviveagardengnomeattack.com)

Happy Friday. Most of the content in this blog comes from lessons or tips experts have shared with me. But some of my material comes from searching for stories online with the word survival or survive in them to see what pops up in Google News.

Behold, the story that caught my eye this morning. The Garden Gnome Defense League sells a book called How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack.

I do not anticipate an attack - I do not have a lawn - but it never hurts to be prepared for any scenario and many of the tips on their website would work well in a variety of emergencies. If Gnomes are not serious enough for you please enjoy this link on surviving a bear attack from the Art of Manliness.

The full text of ten tips the Garden Gnome Defense League believes will save your life is below.

1. Practice exiting from a first-story window: You may need to jump out when hunted by a hoard of gnomes. 

2. Memorize room layouts: Those little bastards will cut the power during an assault.

3. Keep a weapon in every room: So that every location provides you a fighting chance at survival.

4. Practice rising from bed in attack mode: Use one hand to reach for an illumination source (a flashlight) and the other to reach for a weapon.

5. Keep floors clear: The last thing you want is to be making a clean escape only to trip on Fido’s chew-toy.

6. Have a second bicycle: Garden gnomes always disable your car andbicycle before their large nighttime attack. You’ll need a second bike hidden away.

7. Don’t yell “Help”: Instead, yell “Call the Police.”

8. Install a panic button: Dialing 9-1-1 requires three pushes of a button and then a rational explanation to the person on the other end of the line. A panic button requires a single press.

9. Dress in layers. A gnome blade or arrow has a harder time penetrating through several layers of clothes.

10. Memorize Morse code for SOS: You may need to bang out an emergency distress call on the water piping of your house to alert other family members!