The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports

Recently, Blender did a listy thing called The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music and being a sucker for this stuff I found my head nodding along (Sting, check; soprano sax, check; Madonna's British accent - check) and of course, hatching a plot to steal the idea.
So here it is, the product of exhaustive research, tapping up colleagues and friends and pints of Creemore Springs - The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports. All this week in JABS. Here's Part I, and we're here all week:   

CANADIAN PRESS

Jeffrey Loria, cellphone - worst & worster.

50 Synchronized swimming. Synchronized to what?

49 Baseball caps in every sport but baseball. There’s a reason they’re called “baseball caps.”

48 International harmony. With the Soviet Union gone, who are we supposed to root against?

47 “You can’t teach height.” Generations of general managers have heard the siren's cliched call, and proved unable to resist.

46 Personal websites. This way, the misunderstood millionaire can talk to you straight. And while you’re here, would you like to buy some merchandise?

45 Cellphones. Yes, you’re in the expensive seats and all your friends can see you on TV. Aren’t you special.

44 Civility in tennis. A few rackets tossed, some McEnroesque tantrums and maybe a few more people would watch. Showing up to compete at tournaments other than the Grand Slams might help, too.

HAMILTON SPECTATOR

Stuffing the triple bird: Blame John Madden.

43 Colour commentators. Rather than list them all – Bill Walton, Tim McCarver, and so yawn – just do us a favour and shut them up, please (which points to No. 1 on the 50 Best Things to Happen to Sports – the mute button. But that’s a list for another day).

42 T-shirt catapults. If you can afford a ticket, you really don’t need to be fighting over something that’s going to be a ball of yarn after the first wash.

41 Turducken. First we have to endure the Detroit Lions on the tube every US Thanksgiving Day. Then we get John Madden who, like Gore with the Internet, invented this, the Monster Truck of main holiday courses.

(Tomorrow: Nos. 40-31).

Comments

[bferg]

I know it won't be there, but the ACC's videoboard/in game presentation should make the Top 10. What goes on at Leaf games appeals to people with Grade 2 education (no offence to you second graders reading the blog today).

[Tim]

I've had a turducken... it was f*%#ing delicious!

[Carla]

No offence taken, bferg!

[John Richardson]

The term "natural grass"--brought on by the invention of the single worst idea, "artificial turf".

Personal Seat Licenses. It's like being asked to pay admission to Harry Rosen for the privilege of being a $2,000.00 suit.

The Gliebermans. 'Nuf said.

Luxury boxes. This from an old curmudgeon who believes that one of the great things about going to sporting events used to be
that it obliviated any class or economic distinctions.

[cy]

I'm sure turducken tastes good, Tim. But it brings to mind Denis Leary's old line about crack: "Only in America would some guy decide that (turkey) isn't good enough."
As for PSLs, John, just stick around. You know they're going to show up.

[Roberto]

A few others:
The expression "go to guy" in any team sport
Third jerseys
Calling the boards the wall in hockey
NHL franchises in Nashville, Columbus and Florida ahead of Hamilton, Winnipeg and Quebec City
US homer TV coverage (Johnny Miller at Ryder Cup excepted)

[Alex]

From yesterday's "Football Night in America" (gee that's catchy, kind of reminds me of something...): The use of the phrase "the litmus test". I had no idea the Giant's season depended on their pH.

[Tim]

How about how every time a switch hitter is up, the announcers point out that he has more homers and rbis batting left-handed.

Nevermind the fact that he probably has four times as many at-bats from that side.

[MJ Jaffray]

My daughter can swim two lengths of the pool underwater, no problem. She swims dozens of lengths just to warm up. She trains with weights and does Pilates. She leaves the rest of the kids -- boys and girls -- in her Grade 12 class in the dust when they do fitness testing. Her lung capacity is limitless. She can hold her breath for three minutes. She has biceps and a six packs. She trains 22 hours a week and she's going to Canada Games this February in Whitehorse, Yukon. Her Olympic sport of choice? Synchronized swimming. Synchronized to what, you ask? The music, Chris. It's synchronized to the music. Thanks for reading.

[roy williams]

Between the spoiled brat unionized players and the "PhD" sports announcers, and the big mouthed tennis players who dress like
"street walkers" the culture of civilization has been sacrificed on the altar of the almighty buck. So, let them perish in their own mess. Nothing kills interest like a good long selfish strike, golf has no unionized participants and is the last post of culture, God bless Byron Nelson and his kind.

[enkhata]

#1 on your list should be the advent of "Free Agency". Despite the "indentured servitude" nature of the pro sports world prior to Andy Messersmith's landmark case (the Seitz decision) in 1975, the Golden Age of Pro Sports in North America effectively came to a close with this momentous event. Discuss at your leisure ...

[Carla]

Synchronized swimming may be tough as hell to train for (I have no doubt of that!), MJ, but it's entertainment (IMO)--not sport. Like walking a tightrope at the circus or the latest Andrew Lloyd Webber extravaganza, it's spectacle. [shivers]And the garish makeup is off-putting.[/shivers]