JABS' last post - The 34 BEST Things to Happen to Sports

It's time to shut the JABS Mansion down. The night watchman/caretaker has moved in - seems like a nice guy, but kinda stiff - and the condemned sign is outside.

Thanks to everyone for making this such a fun place to hang out the last 16 months, 600-plus posts, 1600-odd comments and a few that ended up in the delete bin. In the new year I'm moving into a new job here at The Star, as deputy to new sports editor Mike Simpson. And if it all shakes out the way we want it to, there will be a new blog up in its place quicker than you can say sayonara, once the kinks are ironed out of this new website.

Here's the one thing I promised, which hasn't even been finished but, with the success of the 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports a while back, had a few of you sending in their choices so I feel like it has to go up. Consider this a starting point - the comments are open below to add some tinsel on this skimpy tree, maybe even bring it up to 50.

So here it is, in no particular order, and thanks to regular visitors Sean, Bob, Neate and a few others for their input:

Overtime. Specifically, 4-on-4 overtime.
The San Diego Chicken
Muhammad Ali
Salary caps
Alcohol-free zones
Bobbleheads
Bill James
Billie Jean King
Fantasy leagues
Retractable roof stadiums
Cable television
Replay
Satellites
Sport-specific stadiums
Jackie Robinson
DVR’s
Long shorts
HDTV
The mute button
Larry Bird vs Magic Johnson
Dikembe Mutombo Foundation
Martina Navratilova
Joe Namath
Wireless remote control
Monday Night Football
The virtual first-down line
Rick Reilly’s malaria net crusade
Madden NFL
Carlos and Smith
Right to Play
Free agency. Specifically, abolishing the reserve clause in baseball
Steve Nash
Clara Hughes
THE INTERNET

Have fun. Enjoy the holidays. Here's to a fine '07.

The Lou Marsh Trophy

Time for the annual Lou Marsh Trophy debate. The public vote is ongoing on the website - Cindy Klassen way ahead - colleague Damien Cox weighed in on this a while back and this morning's petroleum-based product put forth its four finalists: Ms Klassen and Messrs Nash, Morneau and Thornton.

ALEX GRIMM/REUTERS

Nash: My choice (barely), but not the public's.

I don't have a vote, but if I did - and I'm waffling here a bit - I'd buck the trend in the poll (right now, Klassen is at 53 per cent and Nash 18 per cent, well in front of the rest) and argue that Nash gets my nod ever so slightly, as the two-time MVP - rare air, that - in the biggest and best pro league of the world's No. 2 game (and averaging a career high in scoring in this followup season). Outside of a Tomas Radzinski or Jonathan de Guzman winning the Golden Ball in the world's No. 1 game, there really isn't any more outstanding achievement on a global scale - and while we're on the subject of the world's game, Christine Sinclair hasn't even entered into this year's Lou Marsh discussion. Here's the waffle, though: this is one of those either-or calls in my mind. Nash won the Lou Marsh a year ago, and Olympic athletes are penalized, in a way, in that the media making the call, like the public, pretty much ignore Olympic sports in non-Olympic years but give them huge weight otherwise. I expect Klassen to win it, and there are strong arguments in her favour -most of all, five of them, hanging around her neck. Under the most intense pressure, and all by herself, she answered the bell. Ask me who I like five minutes from now, and I may well change my mind. To me, it's that close. 

Aside from that tough call, what's really noteworthy here is how deep this list is, with Morneau and Thornton clearly up against it despite their lofty accolades. I asked departmental dean Dave Perkins, who's been part of the selection process for the last decade and a half, what he made of it. Pretty much the best he's seen, he answered. I can't argue.

PAUL CHIASSON/CANADIAN PRESS

Klassen: Five good reasons.

Go back 35 years, and up into the mid-1980s when Gretzky ruled, and it was pretty much a hockey-or-not era in the Marsh world, with very few outstanding second bananas (one exception and a tough beat was Olympic downhill champion Kathy Kreiner losing out - to Sandy Hawley of horse racing fame, a sport that barely registers now. Sandwiched around that 1976 race was the far more typical default pick of back in the day - Bobby Clarke in '75, and Guy Lafleur in 1977.)

It's a different world now. Not since 1993 has a hockey player won this race, and sorry, Joe, but that string will continue this time around. The past 10 winners came from nine different sports (kayaking being the only two-time winner in that string, with Caroline Brunet and Adam van Koeverden). Men, women, French, English - for such an exclusive award, it's a pretty inclusive list. For a country that has a hard time celebrating excellence (or funding it) in anything but hockey, nothing says more about the depth and vitality of the Canadian sports scene - and the interest engendered by this annual Lou Marsh debate - than those two trends.

Photo of the Day: Alone at sea

ONEDITION

Singlehanded sailor Bernard Stamm fights for survival in near hurricane force winds in the Bay of Biscay, Monday October 23 the day after the start of the Velux 5 Oceans around the world yacht race. The race left Bilbao, Spain and goes on to Fremantle, Australia, Norfolk, Virginia and finishes in Bilbao in the April 2007.

Related: Velux 5 Oceans race website.

Photo of the day: Fire water

STEVE HOLLAND/REUTERS

The Asian Games torch relay gets a dragon-boat cruise in Manila.

Related: 15th Asian Games website.

The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports: Part V

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Classic Hockey Hair. Classic fashion crime.

Time to wrap it up. But before that, a note of thanks to the crew (Spencer, Cathal, Raju, Mrs. JABS, Aneurin, John, Mark and Cathy) that I bounced this off, and contributed their ideas and even some submissions that made the cut. On to the final 10:

10 Soccer hooligans. Antisocial, alcoholic yobs with dental and obesity problems, but just developed up from microbes enough to destroy it for everybody. Other than that, just a fine bunch of blokes that’d blend in with any Raiders crowd.

9 No doubleheaders. An entire generation has grown up unwarmed by the prospect of doing a Ferris Bueller trip to the ballpark for a double dip (the '77 Jays played 16, for cryin' out loud), or actually watching a World Series game to the end. You reap what you sow, Bud.

8 Mullets. Did the mullet lead to hockey, or the other way around?

7 Home runs. At least, the home runs from about the time Jose Canseco came in through the 1998 McGwire-Sosa to Barry Bonds’ 73-homer season.

6 Pete Rose betting on baseball. And refusing to admit it for 15 years. Recently signed “I’m sorry I bet on baseball” autographed balls and got huffy when they ended up in an auction. To make matters worse: From Wikipedia, was "stink-faced" by Rishiki. (Not sure what that means, but it sounds terrible.)

5 ESPN. Nightly dunkathon highlight packages that have helped destroy hoops fundamentals, ESPies that celebrate and recycle those inane in-game celebrations, Chris Berman, chucklehead anchors, Bonds on Bonds AND Stump the Schwab.

4 Personal seat licenses. The ultimate cash grab - here’s your season ticket, after we pay them to sell it to us. If the team stinks, you’re stuck with it. And if they’re good, well, why would you want to get rid of it, ya sap?

No doubleheaders = No Ferris day at the park.

3 Pushy sports parents. Yelling at referees, threatening coaches and other parents, dreaming NHL/NBA/etc. dreams and riches while bullying kids who just wanna have fun: this is more than just losing the plot. It’s abuse.

2 Harold Ballard. Squeezed one storied franchise, let another one wither away, went to work on a third: In order, the Leafs, the Jr. A Marlboros, the Tiger-Cats. Transgressions from rascally rapacious (turned off the water when the Beatles came to the Gardens to sell more soda pop) to reptilian (the pedophilia ring that worked under his watch). Not just a local thing, but the most grotesque model of the dinosaur sports owner.

1 Steroids. “Money” is too diffuse to put in here (the lure of luchre is all over this list, actually). Other candidates fail the smell test for various reasons – the list is of the Worst Things to Happen TO Sports, not in sports (if it was the latter, Michael Jordan would be nowhere near it). Drugs -- stimulants, primarily -- have been around sports forever. But 'roids, and EPO, and HGH and the like have transformed the landscape, cast clouds of suspicion and outright rejection over a number of sports and had fatal consequences for users. Worst Thing to Happen to Sports? Absolutely. 

50-41 40-31 30-21 20-11

The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports: Part IV

Here we go again, the suspense building as we continue counting it down with this, the penultimate instalment:

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Willie gets creamed: Decline of civilization.

20 Adult autograph collectors.
19 Economic-impact studies. These new stadiums are all very, very good for us.
18 “Honky the Christmas Goose”. The line runs between this, the Super Bowl Shuffle and athletes-turned-rappers.
17 Pregame military displays. Air force fly-bys, the Grey Cup borne in aboard HMCS Vancouver - but what does this have to do with sports? (UPDATE/AMENDMENT: Thanks to Chris Clayton, who notes in the comments that a Navy team from Montreal won the 1944 Grey Cup, so indeed there is something to do with sports here.)
16 Third uniforms. A refined version of the biennial change-the-uni cash grab.
15 Cyndi Lauper. I blame her for the whole pro wrestling boom.
14 Super Bowl commercials. Useful as a barometer on the decline of western civilization.
13 Stadium naming rights. The U of Arizona Phoenix paid $154.5 million US to put its name on a stadium. Let me guess - the economic-impact study was just too glowing to resist (thanks to rpaterso47 for the fix).
12 All-sports talk radio. One of the guys who tore apart our kitchen listened to nothing but this. “I like it because I don’t have to think about anything,” he explained as he pulled apart the gas main.
11 Isiah Thomas. GMs wreaking havoc on a franchise are a dime a dozen. Zeke presided over the demise of a whole league. Good luck, Mr. Grunwald.

50-41 40-31 30-21

The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports: Part III

Like it or not, here we go again. Third take as the countdown continues:

Associated Press

The mascot smackdown.

30 Mascots. Yes, the kids love them. But does anyone else? The best moment in sports on film remains the mound conference in Bull Durham, Crash telling Nook - “Hit the mascot.”
29 Chris Berman. “Bert Be-Home-Blyleven” sounded cute -- but not for long.
28 ESPN Classic. I remember Brian Bosworth. I really don’t want to go back there, thanks.
27 Sportswriters doing TV. Watching them, you realize why they went into newspaper work.
26 Vince Lombardi. Not so much him, but the whole “coach as genius” mythology.
25 The FOX Puck. Hockey for morons.
24 The FOX robots. Football for idiots.
23 The FOX Joe Buck. A good baseball announcer turned Kewpie doll.
22 Jumbotrons. Gigantic video boards sell ads, tell you when to clap and turn everyone in camera range into waving, jumping idiots. But don’t expect any instant replays of a close call.
21 Michael Jordan. The template for the me-first NBA (and pro sports) star system AND a sports dilettante to boot. Plays poker, too.

50-41        40-31

The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports: Part II

Continuing with the countdown after yesterday's first take:

40 “You da man!” No, me be a man. You be a dink. "In the hole!" a close runner-up here.

Associated Press

Nebiolo, Blatter: Race you to the caviar table.

39 Poker. Began as lockout replacement programming. Endures, somehow, as the 2006 version of self-help success stories, slouching how-to and the latest in sunglass fashion.
38 Streaking. Never was much as a fad - it's soooo 1974 - but streaking as ambush marketing takes it to whole new depths.
37 Judges handing out marks for “artistic impression”. Although the Kiss 'n Cry pen isn't bad compensation.
36 The postgame, on-field prayer circle. Fellas, God doesn’t care about your games.
35 National anthems. We get to listen to two of them a night here. Lucky us.
34 Soccer’s offside rule. What exactly is it? Today, I mean.
33 “I’m going to Disneyland”. Marketing trumps spontaneity. Again.
32 European poo-bahs. Sepp Blatter ought to have his very own list, shouldn’t he?
31 On-field celebrations. Touchdowns, goals, etc. are okay. But a sack dance? Grabbing your crotch after a basket? Signalling "first down"?

50-41

(Tomorrow: Nos. 30-21)

Power couples

With the news full of Belinda and Tie it's worth remembering there's a long way from there to here, and your top power couples in sports:

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Norma Jean and Joe D: The gold standard.

The gold standard

Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio. Baseball icon meets screen icon. Unsurpassable pop-culture union of the century.

The next level

Imran Khan and Jemima Goldsmith. Divorced two years ago, but the Pakistan cricketer turned politico (and quite probably, the future President) and the heiress to a billionaire entrepreneur was as big as it gets globally while it lasted.

Wayne Gretzky and Janet Jones. Canada and U.S. Hockey and movies. Big. King Hockey big.

Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf. All-tennis pair, but they've done enough outside the games to qualify. Pretty strong, and still going strong.

David and Victoria Beckham. With Real souring on Becks and Posh's pop-singing days on the wane, they might well fall off this perch quite soon. But we'll always have Beckingham Palace, right?

Mia Hamm and Nomar Garciaparra. All-American union of Dodger-Blue baseball and soccer icon. A match made in Nike.

Going down the line

Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford. Another all-American union of football and sweatshops.

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Eva and Tony: Call on them.

Andriy Shevchenko and Kristen Pazik. Athletes and models are kinda mundane, but these two are the hottest going.

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. French-accented hoops and Desperate Housewife. Two points.

Filling out the ticket (hint: one of these is not real)

Madonna and (fill in the blank). Rodman, Messier, etc.

Anna Kournikova and Sergei Fedorov/Anna Kournikova and Pavel Bure. Hockey's most bewildering threesome.

Jim and Chris Evert.

Ron Greshner and Carol Alt. Another sports/model union.

Anna and Kris Benson. Always good for comedy relief.

Brigitte Nielsen and Marc Gastineau. Story goes that they had matching hearts tattooed on their bums. Then they had matching tattoo removals.

Gloria Steinem and Jim Brown. The feminist and the abusive footballer. Just a guess, but perhaps that's why it didn't last all that long.

The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports

Recently, Blender did a listy thing called The 50 Worst Things Ever to Happen to Music and being a sucker for this stuff I found my head nodding along (Sting, check; soprano sax, check; Madonna's British accent - check) and of course, hatching a plot to steal the idea.
So here it is, the product of exhaustive research, tapping up colleagues and friends and pints of Creemore Springs - The 50 Worst Things to Happen to Sports. All this week in JABS. Here's Part I, and we're here all week:   

CANADIAN PRESS

Jeffrey Loria, cellphone - worst & worster.

50 Synchronized swimming. Synchronized to what?

49 Baseball caps in every sport but baseball. There’s a reason they’re called “baseball caps.”

48 International harmony. With the Soviet Union gone, who are we supposed to root against?

47 “You can’t teach height.” Generations of general managers have heard the siren's cliched call, and proved unable to resist.

46 Personal websites. This way, the misunderstood millionaire can talk to you straight. And while you’re here, would you like to buy some merchandise?

45 Cellphones. Yes, you’re in the expensive seats and all your friends can see you on TV. Aren’t you special.

44 Civility in tennis. A few rackets tossed, some McEnroesque tantrums and maybe a few more people would watch. Showing up to compete at tournaments other than the Grand Slams might help, too.

HAMILTON SPECTATOR

Stuffing the triple bird: Blame John Madden.

43 Colour commentators. Rather than list them all – Bill Walton, Tim McCarver, and so yawn – just do us a favour and shut them up, please (which points to No. 1 on the 50 Best Things to Happen to Sports – the mute button. But that’s a list for another day).

42 T-shirt catapults. If you can afford a ticket, you really don’t need to be fighting over something that’s going to be a ball of yarn after the first wash.

41 Turducken. First we have to endure the Detroit Lions on the tube every US Thanksgiving Day. Then we get John Madden who, like Gore with the Internet, invented this, the Monster Truck of main holiday courses.

(Tomorrow: Nos. 40-31).