Jim Kenzie's The Driver's Seat

It never rains but it pours

As if the cold that's been roaring around Kenzie World Headquarters wasn't enough, I got the words you never want to see when booting up my desktop yesterday:

Primary Master Slave Hard Drive Fail

Yikes.

Something like this happened once before a couple of years ago, and after much thrashing around, proved to be only a loose wire inside.

I tried that this time - no luck.

So it is in the hands of the geeks, who seem confident they'll at least be able to recover the data, if not the drive itself.

Could never happen in a regular week, could it? Only during the holidays...

Still, I will attempt to keep up using the little laptop.

Hack kaff wheeze...

Merry - um, what day is it again?

For those of you who have been wondering where I have been - and I hope there have been more than just my on-line editor - 'flat on my back' is the basic answer.

Seems to be the only way I can keep this GD cough from wracking my chest to pieces.

I used to blame my annual Christmas cold on the rigours of teaching - marking those end-of-semester papers at Ryerson was a soul-destroying as well as health-destroying exercise.

But that was 25 years ago. You'd think I'd have come up with a better excuse than that by now.

I get zero sympathy from anybody by saying it's because I spend so much time on airplanes, breathing recycled but not re-sanitized air.

"Aw, poor baby. Just back from Abu Dhabi, and you're whining because it rained? Cry me another river."

Whatever, I have tried every combination of multi-syllabic chemical compositions Shoppers' has to offer; not even Buckley's cough mixture seems to help. (The new "complete" formulation doesn't seem to taste as bad - as if I could tell - but neither does it seem to work as well.)

I had such plans for these two semi-down weeks: just prior to Christmas, between Christmas and New Year's, and the few days afterwards which it takes the business to start again - the Detroit Auto Show press preview, January 11 and 12, is the de facto New Year for the car biz.

Catch up on my blogging, especially the comments which I know I have neglected for far too long.

Catch up on a bunch of stories I owe you.

Clean up my office - talk about failed New Year's resolutions.

I can't type very well under any circumstances, but it's even worse on my back.

So I will continue to pump random chemicals into my body and hope to see the light soon.

Also hope that it is not THAT light which you are supposed to follow.

Meanwhile, I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Kwanza, Serendipitous Solstice, or whatever holiday you celebrate at this time of year, and that the New Year is a happy and healthy one for you and yours.

Emergency Detour Routes - what, where, when, how and why?

One of my favourite movie bits is the scene from Dr. Strangelove, where Dimitri, the Russian ambassador to the US, announces the existence of The Doomsday Machine, which will automatically annihilate the entire world if it detects a missile attack on the Soviet Union.

"It is the Ultimate Deterrent," he announces proudly.

Peter Sellers playing, among others, the American president, asks why they had never heard of this machine.

"It is a Top Secret," replies Dimitri.

"What good is a deterrent if it is kept a secret?" questions the President, not without some justification.

I think I have used that opening before in this blog but my brain is so fogged by cough suppressants that I can't remember. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But the scene comes to mind every time I see the "EDR" signs on our highways.

You know the ones I mean? Maybe not, because there hasn't been much publicity on them, not that I've seen anyway.

They're Hallowe'en-coloured, pumpkin orange with a black circle and the letters EDR in white inside, and highway numbers indicating which route(s) to follow in the event of an 'emergency'.

Exactly what constitutes an emergency, and how we're supposed to know when one occurs, I'm not entirely sure. But I did find the following link which might provide you with some information:

http://www.mto.gov.on.ca/english/traveller/signs/edr/index.shtml

It Never Rains in Abu Dhabi...

Well, it isn't supposed to rain in Abu Dhabi. They get something like 245 sunny days per year here in the largest city in the United Arab Emirates on the north shore of the Gulf of Arabia.

Yesterday was not one of them.

I am here for Mercedes-Benz's year-end celebrations, this location chosen in part because Daimler AG is now part-owned by Emirati interests, in part because they have this fabulous Formula One race track we can drive the new SLS gull-wing sports coupe on, and in part because of the usually terrific weather.

Apparently, the deluge, downpour, cloudburst, camels-walking-two-by-two inundation that hit this entire coast was the worst rain in December for decades. The roof of the spectacular airport leaked like the proverbial sieve the morning we arrived.

While shopping for tee shirts (serious packing failure) in the Marina Mall later that day, I thought there was some sort of massive fountain or wave pool or something on the second floor (nothing surprises you down here) because of the rolling-ocean sound which reverberated through the place.

Nope; just rain pelting down on the canvas cover over part of the mall roof, a common motif here, reflecting the shape and material of an Arab nomad's tent.

It leaked like said proverbial sieve too.

So far, ten traffic fatalities were directly linked to the storm on a single afternoon.

Of course, when you're in a desert, drainage run-off is pretty much the furthest thing from an urban planner's mind. Like Los Angeles, come to that.

So underpasses - heck, even moderately low roads - were completely flooded.

But, being the desert and being made largely out of sand, it does drain on its own fairly quickly. Good job, because one of the tunnels that was flooded was the pit lane exit of the Formuala One Yas Marina Circuit.

If THAT hadn't drained we would not have been able to take the SLSs out on the race track.

And that would have meant 50-odd very cranky journalists from all over the world.

Given that the collective noun for journalists is "whine", as in "a whine of
journalists", that would not have been a pretty sight.

More on our Abu Dhabi adventures in subsequent postings, and/or this weekend in the print edition.

Volkswagen, Porsche, Suzuki, MAN - and Alfa Romeo?

Just days after Volkswagen solidified its hold on Porsche to shore up the top end of the company’s brand-swallowing strategy, it made a deal to acquire 19.9 percent of Japan’s Suzuki for two and a half billion-with-a-b dollars (US).

Does that seem like a lot of money for just one-fifth of what is in world-wide terms a pretty small company?

Not when you consider that two and a half billion is about what it costs to develop a new product line these days, and Suzuki has several, one of which - the Wagon R, pictured below left - has been the top-selling vehicle in Japan for approximately ever.

Suzuki often doesn’t get the credit it deserves for this remarkable accomplishment, because its products compete mainly in the so-called ‘kei’ (sub-660 cc engine displacement) class, which are not sold in North America. The sub-compact Swift and SX4, small SUVs and the soon-to-be-released Kazashi mid-size sedan which Suzuki does/will sell here are but minor blips on the company's main business world-wide.

Suzuki is perhaps unique in the industry, being profitable building nothing but teeny-weeny cars, which almost by definition have to be sold at low-margin prices. A GM executive who worked with Suzuki on a joint venture some years ago rolled his eyes when I commented on the nice quality of the steering wheel in that Asia-only product.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard we had to work to get that in there,” he said. “These guys are SO tight with every penny.”

But that is exactly the discipline VW needs to succeed in the micro-car market. VW got its start by building small affordable cars for the masses, but a manufacturing base in Germany - even augmented by low-wage operations in Brazil or Mexico - simply cannot compete.

Another positive aspect of the marriage is that Suzuki’s Murati division in India has over 50 percent market share in that growing economy, and is also strong throughout South-East Asia, including Pakistan and Indonesia.

This makes a great fit with VW’s strong position in the other growing Asian giant car market, China.

In return, Suzuki gains much-needed capital to continue its product development process, plus access to VW’s hybrid, Diesel and other advanced technologies.

The Japanese outfit has recently divorced from General Motors, among other things selling off its share in the Tillsonburg Ontario joint venture plant to GM. It has also terminated its association with Fiat, which created the SX4 / Fiat Sedici siblings.

Wheels readers may not be too familiar with the MAN brand name. It’s a German manufacturer of large trucks, and Volkswagen is pursuing it as well to fill in another gap in its product line.

Another intriguing possibility was raised in the British newspaper The Financial Times the other day. Sergio Marchionne, the Toronto-raised head of Fiat and, now, Chrysler, is well-known for his bottom-line orientation, rather than gasoline-in-his-veins car-guy enthusiasm. Pay your way or die seems to be his mantra.

Despite having a gorgeous range of new cars and a magic history, the fact is that Fiat’s Alfa Romeo band is struggling. Sales, expected to be around 300,000 annually, are closer to a third of that, and even a oft-delayed return to the North American market isn’t likely to shove that needle very far.

According to this analysis, VW Chairman Ferdinand Piech - who IS an uber-car-guy - would snap up the Alfa brand. The theory is that currently, VW’s up-scale Audi has to compete both with BMW for sporty customers, and Mercedes for more comfort/luxury oriented shoppers. If Alfa were added to the mix, it could take on BMW, while Audi would be freed to focus on Mercedes.

The realities and possibilities of these VW acquisitions are all consistent with VW’s stated goal of overtaking Toyota as the number one selling car maker in the world by 2017. Indeed, it could speed that process up by several years.

The nagging question: too many brands was perhaps the single biggest mistake General Motors made, which led to its recent bankruptcy.

Can Volkswagen make it work where GM could not?

Stay tuned.

Copenhagen - climate change conference, chewing tobacco, or both?

Holding a gigantic conference on climate change (which opens this week) in a city whose name is also that of a brand of chewing tobacco is far from being the greatest irony associated with this event.

No; I think that honour has to go to the forms of transportation the city has laid on for the tens of thousands of delegates.

According to Q107’s John Derringer - he’s never lied to me before, as far as I know, and his "Tool of the Day" feature was subsequently backed up by a reputable British newspaper - Danish livery companies have laid on some 1,200 - twelve hundred! - limousines to schlep people around.

The number of hybrids and pure electrics in that mix?

Five.

Five? As in one-two-three-four-five?

Yep.

Five.

Out of one thousand two hundred.

The rest are gasoline- or Diesel-powered.

Seems Danish taxes on new cars are so onerous that the all-foreign-made alternate-energy vehicles make even less financial sense here than they do everywhere else.

Which is to say, less-than-not-very-much.

There are also some 120 private aircraft flitting about the skies, making sure the pols and the celebs don’t have to rub shoulders with The Great Unwashed in commercial airports. (You think cars pollute? You should check out airplanes.)

The few landing fields in Denmark are so overcrowded, the planes have to fly to Sweden or Germany to park while awaiting Sir or Madam’s next transportation whim.

There’s actually a double irony working here, because generally speaking, Copenhagen is a fairly energy-conscious burg.

Among other things, Copenhagen has kabillions of bicycles.

Now, from what I remember from a couple of visits over the years, the main city is very compact, and the highest point of elevation is probably a speed bump on Hans Christian Andersens Boulevard.

Heck, the entire country of Denmark makes Saskatchewan look like Switzerland.

And the moderating effect of the near-by Gulf Stream, and whatever degree of global warming is in fact going on, mean it never gets too terribly cold here.

Which makes this city conducive to bicycles.

In stark contrast to a city chosen (by me...) completely at random - let’s say, oh, Toronto for instance, whose Lame-Duck-Thank-God Mayor and his acolytes have their heads buried coal-mine-shaft deep in the sand (or worse) on these very two issues (local geography; local weather).

So, why doesn't Copenhagen just lend a bicycle to every conference delegate for the duration of his/her stay?

Um, no - these people may be meeting here to save the planet for following generations, but needless to say they aren’t prepared to actually sacrifice their own comfort or convenience towards that goal.

You’d think that if they weren’t going to walk the walk, the least they could do is pedal the bike.

Because you know darned well they are going to talk the talk. The biggest hit our poor earth’s climate is likely to take over the coming few days will be the ‘emissions’ from the conference auditoriums, a word derived (as the old joke goes) from the Latin “audio” - to hear - and “taurus” - bull...

Which sort-of brings me around to the ‘other’ Copenhagen. Given the recent revelations and leaked e-mails from global warming alarmists that some of their data may have been fudged to fit the pre-determined conclusion, the delegates at this climate change conference sure have a lot to chew on.

Winter is icummen in - just not yesterday

OK, so I was wrong about it snowing yesterday. Well, the weather forecasters were wrong - I'm just the messenger here.

I did run into a few squalls east of the city in the early afternoon, and the radio reported some fairly serious snowfalls to the west and north.

But The Big Smoke was largely spared, everyone more-or-less behaved themselves, traffic wasn't unduly snarled, I got all my errands run and even got to the airport two and a half hours before take-off.

I barely knew what to do with myself.

Remember "snow"?

It's been snowing in Buffalo New York every year for, oh, about 15,000 years.

And every year it seems to come as a complete surprise.

We used to be different.

But from the carnage we see that seems to accompany the first snowfall of the year in the GTA, our memories seem to be dimming too.

And, if you live in the City of Toronto and the weather forecasts were right for this morning, you will (or soon will) see the first snow of the year out your window.

Apparently it's the first time since they started writing this stuff down that Toronto has not had measurable snow on the ground before December 1.

I warned you a couple of weeks ago to get your winter tires on. We were a bit lax at Kenzie World Headquarters ourselves, but the Jetta TDI Wagon is now properly shod.

I've got a lot of driving to do today, from one end of the GTA to the other, ending up at the airport for a flight to Europe.

So I hope the rest of you guys have your winter tires on too, and don't screw the traffic up too badly for me.

Either way, fer cryin' out loud take it easy on the slippery stuff. These days, even a so-called 'minor fender-bender' can result in thousands of dollars of damage. And, if your insurance company doesn't offer a single free "Get Out of Jail" card plan, you'll be paying for that crash for years and years.

It's simple, really. Slow down, leave more room than usual even if it means some jerk might cut you off, and don't rely on your brakes and tires to stop and corner as well as you're used to.

You wouldn't want anyone to think you're from Buffalo, would you?

Out Out, damned (blind) spot

I almost got creamed on the 401 eastbound near McCowan Road on Friday, by a gold-coloured Pontiac Montana minivan whose driver clearly didn't have his/her mirrors adjusted properly (all I could tell was that the driver was very short; gender was indeterminable).

How could I tell the mirrors were wrong?

Because as I was approaching from the left, almost entirely alongside the van, over (s)he came. (S)he obviously didn't see me, because the van's outside mirrors were pointing to the sides of the van.

I was already covering the brake pedal and ready with the steering just in case; I gave what I felt at the time was an appropriate greeting with my horn (others might have felt it a trifle excessive), the Pontiac corrected its course, and on we went, unscathed. The van subsequently did achieve the left lane, and sped by at a fairly high rate of knots.

What is this fascination most drivers seem to have with the sides of their own vehicles?

There is no need whatsoever to adjust your outside mirrors to keep track of the sides of your own vehicle; you know EXACTLY where they are. One of them is just by your left elbow, the other is over on your right, both pretty much where you left them when you got in the vehicle earlier in the day.

It's what's in the lanes BESIDE the sides of your own vehicle that you need to be aware of.

I.e., me.

If this particular driver had had the van's left-side outside mirror cranked out far enough to see the adjacent lane, (s)he would have seen me with just a glance into that mirror - no need to swivel the head around like Linda Blair in 'The Exorcist' to check the imaginary 'blind spot'.

Not that (s)he did a shoulder check either, but that's another story.

How ironic then that the very next pixelboard sign, just a few hundred meters further along, contained the utterly useless and, frankly, dangerous suggestion, "Check blind spots before changing lanes."

Dangerous (a) because it implies that there ARE "blind spots" - in any normal passenger car or light truck, there simply are not - and (b) because you should NOT be looking over your shoulder when you're barreling down the road at 100+ km/h. That's about six car lengths a second, folks.

I know I have gone on about mirror adjustment before, in print and in this blog. I'm sure most if not all regular readers know the right thing to do, and do it.

Obviously, I don't have enough readers!

Lady Leadfoot asked me the other day what's the easiest way to tell if the mirrors are correct.

Well, the BEST way is to set them while stationary in an empty parking lot. Have someone walk around your vehicle from where the middle of the adjacent lane on your left would be, behind your vehicle, then to where the middle of the adjacent lane on your right would be. You should be able to adjust the left- and right-side outside mirrors, plus your inside rear view mirror, so you never lose sight of the person walking behind your vehicle.

The EASIEST way to check once you're rolling is: If you see the same object in any TWO of those mirrors, then at least one of them is incorrect. Every time you see two images of the same thing, there's very likely at least one other thing back there that you are not seeing at all.

Maybe we have to make like that old TV advert for a hair care product (Faberge Organic Shampoo or Miss Clairol? Even Google can't settle that argument...): "She told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on...".

Maybe we can network/viral market this concept.

Tell two people you know who do not adjust their mirrors correctly, have them tell two friends, and so on, and so on...

Because the driver of this Pontiac Minivan, about 90 percent of the drivers on the road - and whoever puts those messages on the pixelboard signs - just don't get it.

One less excuse for not blogging

Finding time to blog with all the travel I do is tough.

But I am posting this FROM AN AIRPLANE!

Air Canada is having a trial of In-Fight Internet access. And so far anyway, IT'S FREE!

How cool is that?

It's only on selected flights so it may not improve my efficiency all that much.

But it is a start.

What's next - tweeting?