Game 14: Ah, never mind
How is everyone tonight? Pleasant evening?
Why yes, it is getting cold out there. Bundle up. The guy at the corner store said it was "frilly," which I think was an accidental portmanteau between "frigid" and "chilly" but who the hell knows.
Did I ever tell you guys about the dream I once had about Halle Berry?
We went out on a date. First we started at Home Depot, where she helped me pick out a pressure washer. Then we ended up at The Keg, where we washed down slabs of red meat with those oversized cocktails.
When our server named Wregget said they were out of maraschino cherries, Halle freaked out and turned into Storm from X-Men. She started eye-zapping other patrons into blocks of ice. She created tornados in the bar area. She was out of control, so I bailed.
That was such a weird dream. How could Halle Berry know so much about outdoor power tools?
You know what else was a weird dream? The Leafs first four games this season.
I mean, there's no possible way that was real. It was some kind of mass hallucination we experienced together for eight crazy days and nights, right? It's now some kind of false memory, right?
So the Tampa Bay Lightning won a hockey game tonight by a score of 4-0. I'm not sure who they played against but it wasn't the team that won those four games we all imagined together in early October.
No, the team Tampa beat tonight did not skate. They did not forecheck. Their special teams were about as special as the colour black at a goth concert in Eastern Europe on a school night.
What Tampa's opponent did do astonishingly well was give the puck away, fan on shots, miss the net, miss their hits, break out of their zone at the wrong time, inadvertently block their own shots at the right time, give up odd-man rushes, shoot high, shoot wide and, in general, look like a team that is now trapped inside a pitch-black tunnel that's sealed shut at either end and quickly filling up with rat-infested water.
Playing a lousy game against a team that has the league's top scorer, a guy who can do this, that's just suicide.
People, it just feels so frilly inside Leafs Nation. I don't mean to bring you down. But it feels like we're slowly turning into blocks of ice as we watch this team chip away at our patience and goodwill, one frustrating shift at a time.
Anyway, I'm tired. Let's sift through tonight's wreckage in the morning.
PHOTO: FOX PUBLICITY