Game 36: Flatliners

Let's begin with some good news for a change: Congratulations to Mikhail Grabovski and his partner Kate on the birth of their daughter.

Lily Grabovski arrived this evening around 8:30 p.m. Mikhail, I hope you cracked a smile in the delivery room. I hope you didn't react to this fantastic life moment the way you normally react to the fantastic goals you've scored this season.

Doctor: "Mr. Grabovski, congratulations! You have a little girl. Everything looks great. Do you want to hold her?"

Grabovski: "Not now. No. Thank you. I happy but now I go to bench in hospital waiting room to quietly think about scoring next baby."

Around the time Lily was entering the world, her father's colleagues were departing it.

Maybe they were tired of trying really, really hard only to lose in the end. Maybe they wanted to demonstrate "sleepwalking" to Mikhail so he's mentally prepared for the next few months of 2 a.m. feedings and diaper changes.

Whatever the reasons, the Leafs did the opposite of trying really, really hard and losing. They didn't try at all.

But in a tragic twist ending, they still lost.

It was just like the 1990 movie, Flatliners. But instead of medical students conducting scary experiments with clinical death, we watched as professional athletes conducted scary experiments with hockey death.

These included (but were not limited to): The Do Not Shoot The Puck For Several Minutes At A Time Experiment. The Do Not Forecheck Experiment. The Do Not Pick Up Your Man In The Defensive Zone Experiment. And even The Daydream About Anything Other Than The Game You Are Currently Playing Experiment.

When I look at the publicity shot above this post, I don't see Julia Roberts, Oliver Platt, Kiefer Sutherland, William Baldwin and Kevin Bacon. I swear to God, I see Kaberle, Beauchemin, Sjostrom, Mitchell and then a second Kaberle!

The Leafs do not play again in 2010. I guess that qualifies as more good news. People, the year is finally, mercifully over. Raise your champagne glasses and nibble on a lemon square. We survived the Leafs' flatlining and can now pray for a resurrection miracle in the weeks and months ahead.

Yes, appropriately, tonight's dismal performance marked the end of a dismal calendar year in which the richest franchise in the NHL showcased a piss-poor record of 29 wins, 39 losses and 9 other setbacks in overtime or a shootout.

You know, even through the gloomiest moments this season, there were positives upon which we could cast an optimistic eye. Not tonight. My guess is even the ultra-positive, super-loyal commenter Nik Culoman watched this game while pressing a butter knife against his jugular.

How can we cast optimistic eyes when our eyes are bloodshot from the relentless giveaways, the lack of break-out plays, the botched passing in the neutral zone, the anemic attack, the miscommunication and, holy bloody hell, the missed shots?

There was a moment tonight in which a few Blue Jackets swarmed Kris Versteeg after a whistle. The play was stopped when he fired a high slapshot off the glass after taking a hand pass. They seemed to think this was an act of provocation.

Honestly, I was tempted to text someone on the Columbus bench: Dudes, chill out! Versteeg was not head-hunting Steve Mason! Don't you idiots know – he always shoots high or wide!

After tonight, the Leafs are now averaging 2.28 goals per game, which is fourth worst in the league. After tonight, the Leafs now have 942 faceoff wins, which is third worst in the league. After tonight, the Leafs now have 288 missed shots at home, which is second worst in the league.

When they are outshot by opponents, as they were tonight, they have a .353 wining percentage, which is also second worst in the league.

More good news: At least we're not the worst in any of these categories?

Thank goodness for baby Lily. Without her, there would be nothing to celebrate as we say good riddance to 2010 and hope for new life in 2011.

 

 

Game 35: Slowly vanishing into a black hole

There's a pop-punk band out of Fargo called Wasted Effort. Maybe they're intergalactic travelers from the future and their name was inspired by tonight's soul-sucking loss.

Oh, man.

This one hurt more than usual, which is strange given the number of times those magnificent poor Leaf bastards have kicked us in the teeth. This one felt like we're slowly vanishing into a black hole, which is also strange since we've been lost in space for most of this season.

Break out the vodka and the banjos. Here we go again.

A conversation I had with my wife about 30 minutes ago:

Her: "Who won?"
Me: *Staring silently at my computer screen*
Her: "Oh. That's too bad. Are the Leafs the worst team in the universe?"
Me: "League. Honey, it's called a league, not the universe."
Her: "Sorry. Are they the worst team in the league?"
Me: "No."
Her: "One of the worst?"
Me: "I guess."
Her: "So then why are you always so surprised when they lose?"
Me: *Staring silently at my computer screen*

When we were kids we used to add a diabolical twist to dodgeball. Sometimes, for no good reason beyond diabolical, a kid was blindfolded.

I remember being that kid a few times.

It was horrible. I would rapidly move back and forth – two stutter-steps to the left, a lunge to the right – in a desperate attempt to avoid getting nailed with a ball I could not see.

I remember flailing my arms and pathetically sniffing the air like a drug dog at the airport, hoping to somehow smell the ball before it smashed into my skull. I remember flinching spontaneously and feeling profoundly vulnerable.

In other words, I looked a lot like Jonas "Goose Goat" Gustavsson did tonight. Head swiveling around. Ducking against phantom threats. Never quite sure where to stand. Hoping to somehow smell the puck before it smashed into the back of the net.

When Carolina scored the winning goal at 14:49 of the third, all I could think was: "Again? The Leafs outplay, outshoot and out-chance their opponents and they're going to lose because our goalie got beat by their goalie? Really?"

For crying out loud, let this James Reimer kid get the start on Thursday. By default, he's earned it. And if nothing else, it will give us something new to discuss before the inevitable vodka and the banjos and the searing pain.

Two goals by Phil Kessel... wasted. Another solid game by Mikhail Grabovski… wasted. A strong forecheck... wasted. Two power play goals... wasted. A surprising and admirable amount of energy considering the blizzard-related travel snafus over the past 72 hours... wasted.

Thanks to this wasted effort, the Leafs are now 12 points out of a playoff spot. And we are now floating through the zero-gravity blackness toward a point of no return.

MAIN PHOTO: NASA/CXC/MIT AND F.K.BAGANOFF/GETTY IMAGES

Game 34: The Perfect Storm

During tonight's 4-1 victory over a team of narcoleptic mimes in New Jersey sweaters, I spent several minutes Googling "tug and pull."

I think it was in the third period. Maybe it was the first. Anyway, a commercial for Gillette's Fusion ProGlide had just aired and I was convinced the copywriter had slipped a sexual euphemism into the ad: "It glides for less tug and pull."

Oh my God, I thought. Are they now using shady massage parlour lingo to sell disposable razors? Really?

Then a few minutes later, I realized my mistake: No, no, no. That "special service" at a massage parlour is called a "rub and tug," right? It's not a "tug and pull."

It was one of those games, you see, where the mind was free to wander.

Outside the Prudential Center, a huge blizzard created wintry chaos. Inside, the "crowd" – official attendance was 5,329, which means they must have accidentally counted everybody's toques, scarves and gloves as separate people – created an atmosphere usually reserved for municipal bylaw hearings.

The narcoleptic mimes, the apocalyptic weather, the empty seats, the post-Christmas sleepy mood, all of this combined to create a perfect storm for the home team.

And if the Leafs ventured into this perfect storm with any silly ideas about freezing up and blowing an easy game, as they have this season, Jersey was simply having none of it.

Nope. Nothing doing. You guys from Toronto, here's the deal: Just find a way to broach the vertical walls of snow and we will give you the two points, no questions asked. You want our skates? You want our sticks? You're welcome to have that stuff as well since we won't be needing it any time soon.

I'm not taking anything away from our magnificent Leaf bastards. All I'm saying is the Fusion ProGlide has five blades and I probably wouldn't have noticed this if we were playing Pittsburgh tonight.

The Leafs started strong. They weathered a few shifts in the second when the narcoleptic mimes awoke briefly to do a so-so impression of a once powerful hockey team. They capitalized on their chances, benefited from steady if unspectacular goaltending, went to the net, got a couple of lucky bounces and deserved to win and smile during their four group hugs.

But, really, you could teach 20 adult baboons to skate, arm them with brooms and they would at least take this Jersey team to a shootout nine times out of ten. I witnessed more intensity in the stores earlier today while attempting to purchase a new camera on Boxing Day.

So let's just be grateful for this late Christmas gift and leave it at that.

Let's tip our hats to Colby Armstrong, who scored the first and last goals for the visitors. Let's nod in the general direction of John Mitchell, who banged in a rebound. Let's give a thumbs-up to Nikolai Kulemin, who wristed a shot past the shaky mime imposter with "BRODEUR" emblazoned on the back of his jersey.

If the Leafs only played the Devils this season, they'd now be a heavenly 34-0. But they don't and so this win, while wonderful and desperately needed, does not amount to very much in the grand scheme of late 2010.

What happens next, when the opposition is made up of professional hockey players and our minds are not free to wander, that's what really matters. I'm happy we won. But this perfect storm had zero tug and pull.

 

 

  Ilya Kovalchuk, trapped in a glass box.

A letter to Santa

Mr. Santa Claus
North Pole, Canada
HOH OHO
 
RE: Urgent Gifts Request

Dear Santa:

I am writing on behalf of my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs.

They don't know I am serving as a middleman between the North Pole and Air Canada Centre. So please be discreet (just like in 1985 when I asked for a pastel Lacoste shirt, the issue of Playboy featuring Madonna and a hat-trick for Greg Terrion).

Without further ado – and with apologies for this urgent but last-minute request – here is a list of gifts those naughty Leafs need this Christmas:

1. EARLY SHARPSHOOTING

Santa, some math for you to consider: If I had a nickel for every time the Leafs scored in the first period, I would now have 95 cents. Not even enough to buy a waffle! The Leafs have 19 first period goals – second worst in the league. Please wrap-up some early tallies this team can open in the year ahead.

2. THIEF MASKS FOR THE GOALIES

Jean-Sebastien Giguere's GAA is 2.80. That ranks him 29 in a league with 30 teams. Jonas Gustavsson's GAA has now crept up to 3.10, which is 39th. Can you please fill a big box with no more bad goals on the short side? No more shoulda-had-that-ones late in a period? No more three goal outbursts in 57 seconds? Put a bow on some miraculous kick saves. Give these guys the gift of cutting the angles and staying on their feet and not losing focus. Our puck-stoppers need to steal some games in 2011 to atone for their middling start.

3. MORE PLUS, LESS MINUS

Only two Leafs have a plus +/- and both of them are only a +1. Further, one of them is Colton Orr while the other is a fellow by the name of Joey Crabb. I mean, honestly. Kris Versteeg is a -16! That ranks him 750 out of 759 players in this league! Fix this, Santa. Give our skaters the gift of backchecking and picking up their men in the defensive zone.

4. THE SPIRIT OF AVARICE

This team could use an inspirational lecture from Ebenezer Scrooge. What a ridiculously generous bunch they are: Here, want the puck? Take it! Oh, hello opposition winger on the forecheck. Go to the slot. I’ll wait until you’re comfortable. Ready? I’m about to clear the zone by turning my body to the play and backhanding the puck blindly through my legs right onto your stick! Francois Beauchemin alone has 47 giveaways – that's second worst in the league! And third worst is Luke Schenn! Give these guys the power of greediness in 2011. Stop them from being so altruistic.

5. NEW FRONTAL LOBES

The Leafs don't take an excessive number of penalties, a small mercy given their PK. But of the ones they do take, too many fall under the scientific classification of "boneheaded." Punching a guy in the mouth for no apparent reason when the ref is two feet away? Tripping a guy in your own zone when the play is miles away? Too many men on the ice? Twice in one game? Really? Santa, as I seem to recall from neurology class, the frontal lobe controls decision-making. Please make a decision to replace certain frontal lobes on this team before it's too late for all of us.

6. CONCENTRATION ON ROAD DRAWS

Here's another gift idea based on a simple question: How many Leafs boast a winning percentage for faceoffs when the team is on the road? Exactly, Santa. Exactly.

7. IMPROVED VISION FOR ODD-MAN RUSHES

Santa, here are the sentences that usually tumble out of my mouth when the Leafs have an odd-man rush:

1. "Yes! Here we go! Three-on-one! OH MY GOD, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PASSING TO?"

2. "Two-on-one! Yes! Home alon—OH MY GOD, IF YOU’RE SITTING IN THE PURPLES, DUCK!"

3. "Oh, it's a four-on-one. OH MY GOD, NOW IT'S A THREE-ON-ONE GOING THE OTHER WAY!"

Santa, give these guys some bifocals that can be clipped under their foggy shields. Hell, kidnap them, throw them in your sleigh and treat them to laser eye surgery. Help them see each other in 2011.

8. OPPOSITION NETS THAT MOVE, FLOAT, LEVITATE AND EXPAND

You'd probably have to work this out with Gary Bettman. Or God. But just an idea.

9. A STOCKING FULL OF DAZZLE FOR SOMEONE... ANYONE

The Leafs have problems scoring. So, technically, I shouldn't be nitpicking the kind of scoring they manage to do every two or three periods. Honestly, on most nights, I’d be thrilled if an errant pass by an opposition player bounced off someone's head and rolled past the goal line. But on other nights, I think: "Where is the dazzle? Why does this team produce so few highlight-reel goals?" I don't know, Santa. If you can't make this team win more maybe you could at least ratchet-up the entertainment value.

10. NEW SPECIAL TEAMS, MORE QUALITY SHOTS

A power play is supposed to fill fans with anticipation, not fear. A penalty kill is supposed to feel entirely possible, not like a guaranteed goal against. Santa, the only special thing about these teams is the way they make us drink. I know it’s a lot to ask. But help these magnificent poor Leaf bastards in 2011. They need it. As do we.

***

I can't believe it’s already Christmas Eve. I also can’t believe I still need to do some shopping. Bloody hell.

Just a final note before I dash into the chaos: Thank you.

When this blog started a few weeks ago, I never imagined so many smart and funny people would suddenly catapult into my life. But that's exactly what happened.

On any given day, your comments are so much better than my posts. On any given day, I never feel cold and alone inside the wind-swept tundra that is Leafs Nation.

To be a Leafs fan can sometimes feel like an exercise in self-flagellation. But your company this season, through the ups and downs (and more downs), has made this exercise seem more like group therapy.

If I were a rich man, I would send each of you a cheque for $1 million and maybe a batch of lemon squares. But I am not rich. And so at the risk of sounding maudlin, I can only offer you a heartfelt thanks.

I snapped the picture above this morning, as an unexpected burst of sunlight poured through my wooden shutters and bathed my tree. Here's to sunny days in 2011.

Merry Christmas.

PHOTO: VINAY MENON/TORONTO STAR

Lunch with Brian Burke and the winds of change

Trades are on the horizon. The status quo is not an option. Change is coming.

This is what Brian Burke tells me when we meet for lunch on Tuesday.

It's high noon and we are sitting inside e11even, the swish new bistro on York Street in Maple Leaf Square. The place is hopping merrily with a lunch crowd of Bay Street power brokers and MLSE suits.

But the mood at our table, as you might imagine, is far from festive.

This lunch date was booked last week, prior to the team's latest losing skid. Since the universe has a keen sense of irony, Burke arrives just as Coldplay's "Don't Panic" is playing. He shakes my hand and looks more than a little drained.

"How are you feeling?" I ask.

"Horseshit," he replies.

Burke is not sleeping these days, something I've heard from a few people. His team is not performing the way he expected. It's been a season full of, well, equine excrement.

And so on behalf of Leaf fans everywhere, your humble emissary starts asking questions.

What has gone wrong? What are the objectives of management at this point? What can we expect in the new year? Can this team turn things around without an intervention? Or to paraphrase Chris Martin, why should we not panic?

"I think this group has established to my satisfaction that we're not going to come out of this without some outside help," concedes Burke. "We're not looking at a coaching change. So we have to see if we can make a player personnel change.

"We're at a critical point of the schedule where most of the games are against Eastern conference teams. We need some regulation wins if we're going to get back in there. And we haven't seen the progress that we'd like to see. So we're looking to be active again as soon as we come out of the trade freeze."

Despite my begging, he refuses to get into specifics. But he is working the phones. He knows change is needed. He is searching for size and scoring punch.

"We need a big forward," Burke says, as a couple of suits stroll past and nod hello. "Everyone points to the center position. But I think if we had a Top 6 forward with size, center or wing, it would help us. Right now we're not getting to enough loose pucks in front of the net. We're not creating enough traffic in front of the net. So that to me is our biggest need."

But why is this team still struggling after it was blown-up?

"Without pointing a finger at any one player, we're not scoring goals like I thought we could," says Burke. "We're not keeping them out of our net like I thought we could. That's a bad combination.

"Special teams haven't been what we hoped they would. But I don't think it's a multi-system breakdown every night. I think we are playing 50 to 54 minutes of good hockey every night. But that's not good enough...

"I liked our game in Calgary except for three minutes. I liked our game in Vancouver except for four minutes. I liked our game (Monday night) except for the first two minutes."

Since he mentions special teams, I ask about the chants of "Fire Wilson" that continue to erupt inside Leafs Nation. Has the coach lost the room?

"We outshot our opponent by 2 to 1 (Monday)," says Burke. "We had the puck all night after the first two minutes. We outplayed them badly. We out-chanced them badly. It's clear the players have not quit on the coach. We are not even contemplating, considering or discussing a coaching change at this point.

There is a tendency in all markets, Burke adds, to blame the coach when a team is struggling. But that tendency is taken to the next level in Toronto. Wilson can also be his own worst enemy at times.

"I think Ron brushes some people the wrong way with his mannerisms when in fact he's a great guy and a great teacher and a great coach," says Burke. "But I think his mannerisms with the media – which, by the way, have been developed over a very frustrating period of time – have led some people to turn on Ron unfairly.

"That doesn't change my thinking. We are not looking at a coaching change."

So Burke is standing behind his coach. And he is looking to make some trades, sooner rather than later. In fact, there could be a number of trades. Does this mean he still believes the team can make the playoffs?

"The goal for the season was the playoffs, it is the playoffs," Burke says. "But we are rebuilding. It's not a classic rebuild. I don't think in a cap system, you have to finish last or dead last for four or five years...

"I think we've added assets that will enable us to compete without going through that cycle. Now, obviously, it hasn't borne fruit yet. So it's a rebuild in the sense that we are one of youngest teams in the league but it's not a classic rebuild where you try to finish bottom five and draft patiently."

This rebuilding model, he notes, has no precedent. There are no blueprints. What Burke is trying to do is remain competitive in the short-term while not sacrificing long-range planning.

"We're trying to do it on the fly. It's a totally different model than anyone else has followed. I still believe it will work. It's just not working right now."

But how do you rebuild without draft picks? Does he have any regrets?

"People say the Kessel deal cost more than we thought it would and it did. I didn't think we would finish 29th last year. We may have a low finish again this year. But I got the player I wanted and I still believe in him.

"You look at how well he has played in the last five games and what he can do without a true center with him. He's still generating offence and working hard making good defensive plays. So no regrets, other than our record."

Later on, as we're eating, I show him some of the comments you guys have left recently. And I ask if he has a message for us.

"The message is, 'I'm as frustrated as you are.' It's a work in progress. We're not there yet."

What about the fans who are leaving? What about the fans who are throwing waffles? What about the fans who say there is no light at the end of the tunnel Brian Burke is rebuilding?

"I think hockey fans in this market are very sophisticated," he says. "If that's what they've concluded, then I have to live with that. I'm not going to tell people how to think. But that's certainly not what I am hearing...

"I think people see a defence with an average age of 23. I think they see the goaltending prospects in the system. I think they do see a light at the end of the tunnel. And the tunnel does not run from here to Spain. It's a manageable wait."

 

 

Game 33: The Leafs give us another lump of coal for Christmas

When I was a kid, a family friend gave us the same gift every year.

Birthdays, Easter, Christmas – it didn't matter. This sweet but odd fellow would arrive with a shoddily wrapped jigsaw puzzle and my brothers and I would pretend to be surprised and overjoyed, even though we were neither.

Some of these puzzles featured knock-off retro cartoons ("Bigs Bunny Carries His Basket In The Woods – 500 Pieces"). Others were printed with generic characters ("Clown Juggles Balls – 300 Pieces").

All were disappointing.

I was reminded of those childhood puzzles tonight while watching a 20-piece puzzle that will never quite fit together titled, "The 2010-2011 Toronto Maple Leafs."

This was the last game until Christmas. This was their last chance to give us a holiday gift to remember, or at the very least, a gift we wouldn't try to forget by swallowing arsenic and running headlong into the closest wall.

So let's peak inside tonight's shoddily wrapped present to see...

Oh, look! Wow! It's a gift assortment!

* Another slow start!

* Two goals against in 28 seconds before the game is three minutes old!

* Two more goals against in less than two minutes in the third!

* Slivers of half-decent cubic zirconia encrusted between thick slabs of bumbling mediocrity!

* A doomed, last-ditch surge that would ignite pathetic hopes for a comeback – why do they keep shopping at Toys R Us? – but soon be extinguished by the twin realities of time and space!

* A sputtering volley of 40 shots plus dozens more that either missed the net or were blocked as the team coached by Captain Jean-Luc Picard dove into the danger zone!

* Two goals by a former Leaf, in this case, Freddy Modin.

* A night when every single Leaf skater except Colton Orr was a minus on the +/- Richter scale.

Thanks, you guys! But you shouldn't have. No, really. You shouldn't have because you've already given us this assortment of goodies. In fact, you keep giving it to us week after week after godforsaken week.

The first period tonight was sponsored by Toyota's "Best Wrap-Up Ever" event, which seemed grimly ironic. Mind you, after 20 minutes it was still only 2-0 Atlanta and not, say, 5-1 Atlanta as it was at 4:19 of the third when Jonas Gustavsson was yanked and the waffles began to rain down inside the ACC.

As the ice was cleaned of breakfast debris, as the crowd closed their eyes shut and clicked their heels and imagined they were somewhere else, Ron Wilson wobbled behind the bench with a faraway expression that silently screamed: Never mind those damn waffles! Someone in the upper bowl, please, hit me with a giant watermelon! Knock me unconscious! Please!

What can you say at this point? What can you do? What can you think?

With Mike Palmateer and Doug Gilmour both watching with barely concealed shame – "Me? No, sorry, kid. I'm not Doug Gilmour. Never played for this organization" – this was yet another one of those games that makes Leaf fans long for a more fulfilling pastime, such as cultivating rutabagas or befriending stray animals.

I especially liked the moment in the first when Greg Millen observed: "This could be embarrassing" for the Leafs when it was "only" two-zip.

Could be?

Dude, we zoomed through the town of Embarrassment weeks ago. We are now standing without our pants inside bubbling quicksand in a really scary place called Abject Mortification.

The worst part? It's the team that is naughty. We're nice. It's the team that starts games with the intensity and focus of a blind albino rat on crack. We're just dazed.

It's the team that is drifting aimlessly until it's too late, always too late. It's the team that needs to get seriously bitch-slapped by a gang of Santa's toughest thug-elves.

We, the fans, did not deserve a lump of coal for Christmas. You know what? We did not deserve most of the gifts we've received this season. But what can we do? These magnificent poor Leaf bastards, they just keep giving them to us.

Game 32: Throw a paper bag over your head and get ready to jump

Nobody expected the Leafs to beat Vancouver tonight. So for once, at least our expectations were met. That's something, right?

Right?

Oh, these magnificent poor Leaf bastards.

I won't lie to you. It is not looking good. It is really not looking good.

Yes, there are 50 games left to play. Yes, there are 100 points up for grabs. Yes, mathematically speaking, this team could engineer a spectacular second-half and bridge the 10-point chasm that now separates them from a final playoff spot.

Yes, we could get a taste of postseason play for the first time since 2004.

Then again, I could wake up tomorrow and suddenly be fluent in Swahili. You could learn to fly. We could sit down over lemon squares and tequila shots and come up with a scientific answer to this paranormal question: Are the Leafs cursed? Are the vultures already circling?

More important: Are we cursed?

Are we doomed to make feeble excuses and search for silver linings even as the grim reaper gives us wedgies twice a week under storm clouds? Are we wasting our time? Was commenter Denial on to something when he left us weeks ago for Planet Disengagement?

People keep talking about patience and loyalty. People keep patting me on the shoulder while preaching about "rebuilding," a process that could take three, four, five – God knows how many years.

Okay. Fine. For the sake of argument, for the sake of our splintered sanity, let's say the rebuild is proceeding exactly as planned.

All these gritty but demoralizing losses – that's just part of the learning curve. This is the youngest team in the league and they are absorbing painful but valuable lessons that will shape their experiences and game instincts.

Okay. Fine. This should be super-awesome. Really.

But until this super-awesomeness dawns, what are we supposed to do? Are we supposed to cling to the hypothetical pledge of a better tomorrow and ignore the concrete reality of a bleak today? Should we just shake our heads and fake our smiles and punch ourselves in the genitals to help lessen the pain? Should we just accept short-term failure with a promise note scrawled on the back of a dirty napkin that says something about future glory?

Or should we throw paper bags over our heads and get ready to jump?

I recall once spending more than a day in the Italian port city of Brindisi. This was supposed to be a brief stopover. Brindisi was a blip on our journey. It was never our destination.

The plan was simple: We'd take the train to Brindisi and leave just enough time to board a ferry that would slice across the Adriatic and drop us in Corfu.

Alas, the captain refused to depart until his ship was full. Scheduled departure? Get real. Now run along. Go wander our desolate streets and come back later. How much later? Not sure. Just later. Come back later. We'll know when it's time. Later.

So we waited. And we wandered. And we waited and wandered some more.

By the time we left Brindisi, the mood on that ship was decidedly somber. Travelers from all over were exhausted from touring an unremarkable city they never planned to endure. Their giddy exuberance was crushed by the simple act of killing time.

Did Toronto deserve to lose 4-1 tonight? Probably not. Was the game closer than the final score indicates? I suppose. Can we take some positives away from tonight's loss? Sure. Does it matter? No.

What matters: Their learning curve feels like a noose around our necks. Their missed shots are hitting us in the heads. Their giveaways are taking away our resolve. Their confusion is forcing too many inside Leafs Nation to think decisively about leaving.

Maybe they'll return when the ship is ready to sail. Maybe they won't.

The Leafs may be learning to win by losing. But I fear we are learning not to care about either.

***

PHOTO: DARRYL DYCK/CANADIAN PRESS

Game 31: Dreaming about an island paradise called Consistency

Better late than never, I suppose.

The truth is, I feel queasy today and not just because the Leafs rolled through Calgary last night like harmless tumbleweed. (The unabridged queasy equation may be expressed as follows: Christmas Party + Open Bar + Inconsistent Leafs Play + Nightcap No. 1 + News of Three Flames Goals In Less Than 1 Minute + Perilous Cab Ride To Another Part of Town + Nightcap No. 6 + Confirmation of Leafs 5-2 Loss Via Your Comments + Wandering The Streets Alone at 3 a.m. = Queasy.)

The game wasn't shown at The Star's Christmas party last night. But mounted behind the bar, a flat-screen TV flickered with an endless loop of a burning fireplace log. The flames licked at the edge of the screen as the wood crackled in the heat.

So in a way, we watched the same thing last night.

Did you ever see the movie Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael?

After so much narrative build-up, I recall sitting inside a movie theatre in New York years ago and waiting for something – anything – to happen.

Who was this titular Roxy character? What would happen when she returned to town? How would she be received? What impact would she have?

Would she rescue Winona and take her to a promised land? Would she lead by example?

But when the limo pulls into Clyde, Ohio, where the entire town is gathered with bated breath, Roxy is a frigging no-show.

You know what Winona Ryder's character was named in that film?  Dinky. You know how many shots the Leafs had last night? Nineteen. Also dinky.

Dinky performances all-around.

Welcome Home, Dion Phaneuf.

 

In between projectile vomiting and seeing bright lights this morning, I forced myself to watch the game. Well, I watched most of it.

And if nothing else, at least we now have a good sense of where we are with this team. We are standing at this intersection:

On Tuesday in Edmonton, the Leafs flat-out dominated. Then 48 hours later, they inexplicably fizzle like Winona Ryder's career. This up and down, this back and forth, this binge and purge, it's been happening all season.

I'll feel better tomorrow. Hopefully. But for now, I feel like crawling into a hammock at an island paradise to dream about a time in the future when the Leafs won't force me to stand barefoot under winter clouds and pick between "lost," "confused," "unsure," "unclear," "perplexed," "disoriented," and "bewildered."

As I sit here in my darkened office, with a bandana wrapped tightly around my skull and an open bottle of Advil in my lap, I'm suddenly reminded of this photograph on the right.

The caption in my database says: "Toronto Maple Leafs netminder Jonas Gustavsson looks down after the Calgary Flames scored three quick goals during first period NHL action on Saturday, Nov. 14, 2009 in Toronto. Gustavsson was pulled shortly after."

The team was blown-up precisely for games like that. And yet...

The final score in that game was – wait for it – 5-2 Flames. The movie poster tagline in Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael was: It's Good To Want Things.

It is good to want things.

So what do the Leafs want? No, really, what does this team want for itself this season? Does it want to make the playoffs? Does it understand time is running out? Does it really want to dominate or will it settle for fizzle?

After 31 games, I truly have no idea. But at this point, all I really want is consistency.

20 Gift Ideas For Leaf Fans

Looking forward to tonight's big game and The Return of Dion? Excellent.

Me, I have the Star's Christmas party to attend this evening. And if the past is a reliable guide, there probably won't be a television nearby (it would get in the way of the political indoctrination and random headlocks).

Come to think of it, there probably won't be another Leaf fan nearby.

So I should probably hatch an escape plan before jumping in a cab. Or I could stay all night, drink beyond my two-free-drinks, exchange small talk with colleagues and check my iPhone for game updates from Pyramid Power, Moe Green and everybody else.

What to do.

In the interim, and with Christmas around the corner, here* are 20 Gift Ideas For Leaf Fans...

(*If you hate this post, please don't tell me because it took me like 156 hours to do, which was 154 hours longer than I expected. And now my entire day is shot... Merry Christmas!)

 

GIFT NO. 1: Toronto Maple Leafs Toaster
PRICE: $39.99 (External link.)

Next time you have overnight guests, they may seriously think about jumping out a window when you present them with a plate of scrambled eggs and "ProToast." But who cares. This damn thing burns a Leafs logo into your bread! It turns breakfast into a tailgate party. It turns a normal sandwich into a... Leafswich.

 

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 2: Toronto Maple Leafs Cuckoo Clock
PRICE: $199.99 (External link.)

When does the game start? Why don't your friends visit anymore? Now you can answer both of these questions at once just by glancing at this handsome timepiece. Featuring a rich walnut finish, a goalie pendulum (you can pretend it's Jiggy or Goose), "hockey stick detailing" and a helmet-wearing bird that announces the time. Unlike Lebda, this clock will never disappoint you.

 

GIFT NO. 3: "Mustache & Giant Tongue" Dog Toys
PRICE: $10 each (External link.)

Now Rex and Sparkles can do their best impressions of Mike Brown (left) and Colton Orr (right).

 

GIFT NO. 4: Toronto Maple Leafs Window Valance
PRICE: $29.99 (External link.)

The days are getting shorter. Your curtains are closed for longer periods. So when sitting alone and dreaming about the playoffs, why not stare at a unique décor item that's probably not endorsed by Martha Stewart (or any Martha for that matter). Do the neighbours know you are a Leafs fan? They will now with this screen-printed Leafs window valance! In fact, they may never stop pointing at your house again!

 

 

GIFT NO. 5: Chill Pill Ice Cubes 
PRICE: $5.95 (External link.)

It's been a season of ups and downs. The Leafs just won four games in a row! The Leafs are... 8 point out of a playoff spot. To get you through the next 52 games, why not drop these reusable blue and white (and red, for the goal light) ice cubes into your triple vodka? You get nine per set, or three per period.

 

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 6: Wooden Abacus (10 Rows)
PRICE: 19.99 (External link.)

Is the Leaf fan in your life tired of staring at stats on a computer screen? Is he looking for a fun and unique new way to calculate "games on hand" and "magic numbers"? To symbolize 43 long years of Stanley Cup drought, give your Leafs-loving loved one the gift of an ancient calculation device. Even if he never learns to use it, the sliding balls will provide important relaxation whenever Bill Watters appears on TV to trash Phil Kessel.

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 7: LED Faucet Light
PRICE: $19.99 (External link.)

Like the toaster, this thing is just damn cool. Really? We Leaf fans can now fill our water glasses under a blue light? Incredible. And on nights when things aren't going particularly well, the blue light will provide special illumination as we fumble around for a hand towel after throwing that glass of water in your own faces!

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 8: Woven Blanket
PRICE: $47.99 (External link.)

Let's say you want to put a jinx on the opposition goalie. Let's say you want to create karmic forces that are all about bad goals, lots of them. Let's say you want to ironically inflict the name of a man who is synonymous with puck non-stopping at its best. And let's say you want to do all of this while keeping warm. People, may I present the "Toronto Maple Leafs Vesa Toskala Triple Woven Jacquard 48x60 Blanket."

 

 

GIFT NO. 9: Hunter Toronto Maple Leafs Mug-Stein-Shot Glass Fan Set
PRICE: $29.99 (External link.)

If the first 30 games are any indication, you should probably buy three or four of these drinking sets for the Leafs fan in your life. And maybe throw in some gift certificates to this place.

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 10: Touch by Alyssa Milano Toronto Maple Leafs Ladies Navy Blue Double Layered Premium Tri-Blend V-neck T-shirt
PRICE: $31.95 (External link.)

Not much to say here except this: Alyssa Milano is modeling a Leafs shirt!

 

 

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 11: Sony Noise-Cancelling Foldable Headphones
PRICE: $49.99 (External link.)

Will Dion Phaneuf get booed tonight in Calgary? If you had these, you wouldn't have to find out.

(If only such a product existed when Larry Murphy was here and the Leafs were playing in Pittsburgh or Washington.)

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 12: Fundex Toronto Maple Leafs Rubik's Cube
PRICE: $18.99 (External link.)

Hey, look, Ron Wilson just called a time-out. Uh oh. There's a problem with the glass. Well, looks like we're switching goalies. From now on, whatever the game delay, you can keep yourself occupied with this one-of-a-kind Leafs Rubik's Cube. Best of all: It will make you smart enough to read the lips of Mikhail Grabovski and Nikolai Kulemin when they're on the bench and complaining to each other about Clarke MacArthur's excessive post-goal hugging.

 

 

  

GIFT NO. 13: Coleman Camping Iron
Price: $19.18 (External link.)

Two words: Portable waffles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 14: Toronto Maple Leafs Game Hero Custom Sports CD
PRICE: $19.95 (External link)

For the Leaf fan who dreams about leading the Leafs to a Game 7 victory in the Stanley Cup finals. This 10-minute CD will make "anyone a star" by inserting his or her name into the fictional play-by-play. It also features "fist pumping sound effects and cool music" that’s "so realistic you won't believe your ears." Really, you won't.

 

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 15: Toronto Maple Leafs Sidelines Pillow
PRICE: $25.76 (External link.)

Oh my God! The Leafs were losing 4-0. But now it’s 4-3! And they’re pressing like crazy! This could be another miraculous comeback! On nights like this, instead of destroying your home with hard and dangeous objects, this branded throw pillow will lend itself to spontaneous punches of joy, kicks of excitement, flings of happiness and squishes of victory.

 

 

  

GIFT NO. 16: Bull Horn Speaker Unit With Remote Microphone
PRICE: $189.00 (External link.)

The Leafs are playing pretty good hockey these days. But you know it's just a matter of time until we're all screaming at our television sets again. With this blue-and-white megaphone, now Leaf fans can REALLY BE HEARD. And it comes with a remote microphone. I said, IT COMES WITH A REMOTE MICROPHONE. So now you can set the megaphone on a table in the living room and still yell at the TV when you're getting your blue ice cubes from the kitchen: "KABERLE, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE ON THE POWER PLAY! NOBODY IS AROUND YOU! SHOOT THE PUCK ALREADY!"

 

GIFT NO. 17: Giant Feather Tickler
PRICE: $5.99 (External link.)

This gift may look like it's for cats. But it's really for any Leaf fan with season tickets behind the bench. Here's what we need you to do: 1. Lean over the glass and jam this giant tickler under one of Ron Wilson's arms. 2. Move it around real quick 3. Check to see if he's smiling. 4. Repeat until security escorts you from the building. 5. Try again next game.

 

 

 

 

GIFT NO. 18: Blue Charm (For Good Luck)
PRICE: $6.00 (External link.)

Look at this thing. It's an "eye ball" charm that "can be hung from rearview mirrors, put on a cord or necklace, hung in your house or used in many other ways." And it's called the "Nazar Boncugu," which sounds suspiciously like the “Nazem Beauchemin.”

Everybody inside Leafs Nation needs to get one of these right now. I don't want to be the only one. It's kind of scaring me.

 

 

GIFT NO. 19: 3-Point Rink Rat Hat
PRICE: $39.95 (External link.)

From the marketing copy: "Choosing Maple Leafs headwear can be challenging at the best of times. Whether it is that spectacular Maple Leafs cap for a special occasion, or a beanie to just keep your head and ears warm on a winter day, you have to get it just right." I don't know about that. What I do know is this: If you're visiting an enemy rink to cheer for the Leafs this winter, this hat will tell rowdy locals that you are: a) possibly mentally unstable so, b) have fun and enjoy the extra elbow room!

 

 

GIFT NO. 20: Toronto Maple Leafs Golf Putter
PRICE: $114.99 (External link.)

I hope the Leafs will be playing hockey this spring when the golf courses start to open. No, I pray they will be playing hockey. I do.

 

But just in case...

 

 

Game 30: The Sweet Face of Revenge

 

With a few minutes left in tonight's flawless 4-1 victory over Edmonton, I removed my glasses for a quick lens clean. But before returning them to my face, I held them up and said: "Thank you for correcting my vision and letting me see this game. I needed this."

Did we just witness the Leafs best road game this season? It sure felt that way. Did we just enjoy 60 minutes of sweet revenge after that humiliating 5-0 loss earlier this month? No doubt.

The Leafs started the game with more bounce than a trampoline artist on Red Bull. They skated at speeds not permitted on the Autobahn. They controlled the play the way Kate Gosselin once controlled Jon.

As soon as the puck dropped, as soon as the glorious chants of "Go Leafs Go" ricocheted inside Rexall Place, the Leafs had a look in their eyes that said: "We didn't come to Oil Country to screw around. Not tonight."

And screw around they did not:

* Captain Dion Phaneuf, playing in his hometown, blasted a howitzer from the point for his first goal of the season.

* Mikhail Grabovski re-directed a gorgeous slap-pass from noted pugilist Clarke MacArthur for the winning goal.

* Kris Versteeg got credit for a goal Jason Strudwick helpfully scored on his own net.

* Phil Kessel dropped to one-knee and one-timed an airborne feed from Versteeg. Kessel also played his best two-way game as a Leaf. While shorthanded in the second, he backchecked in a way I've never seen him do. He was up-and-down the ice on a mission. He was aces.

* In a battle of geriatric goalies, J.S. Giguere outfoxed Nikolai Khabibulin and stopped 23 of 24 shots, including two breakaway saves on Taylor Hall in the first period alone.

* The Leafs were 2-5 on the power play.

* The penalty killers defused all four Oiler chances.

* Even the new cheerleaders looked vaguely depressed.

Sweet revenge.

But as sweet as all of this was, and it was really sweet, there was a moment in this game that was even sweeter. It was one of those moments that bonds a team.

It's now past 1:30 a.m. in Toronto. I don't know the whereabouts of one Zack Stortini. But if I had to guess, I'd say sprawled and groaning on a La-Z-Boy recliner with a pack of frozen peas draped across his swollen face.

My God, Colton Orr pounded that face as if it was an evil alien life form and the fate of humanity rested with its destruction. And he did this because minutes earlier, Stortini nearly turned Grabovski into a circus midget with a dangerous low-bridge hit on the knees.

Now, look. I know people don't like fighting. On rare occasions, when my wife catches a few minutes of a game with me, her reaction to any fisticuffs is always the same: "How can you watch this? They're hitting each other! This is barbaric!"

Ignore her. For tonight, just ignore her.

Instead, let's simply give Mr. Orr a lot of credit for doing the right thing at the right time. He didn't fight Stortini in the first, when the Oiler tough guy wanted to go. And he didn't tangle with Steve MacIntyre in the third, when he also seemed interested in a pointless dance.

But when it mattered, when something needed to be done, he did it and he did it well. In fact, that fight was highly symbolic of the entire Leafs team this evening: Smart, ferocious, determined and blessed with perfect timing.

So these magnificent Leaf bastards now decamp to Calgary for The Return of Dion. If tonight is any indication, it promises to be a game to remember. 
 

MAIN PHOTO: DAN RIEDLHUBER/REUTERS