20 Gift Ideas For Leaf Fans
Looking forward to tonight's big game and The Return of Dion? Excellent.
Me, I have the Star's Christmas party to attend this evening. And if the past is a reliable guide, there probably won't be a television nearby (it would get in the way of the political indoctrination and random headlocks).
Come to think of it, there probably won't be another Leaf fan nearby.
So I should probably hatch an escape plan before jumping in a cab. Or I could stay all night, drink beyond my two-free-drinks, exchange small talk with colleagues and check my iPhone for game updates from Pyramid Power, Moe Green and everybody else.
What to do.
In the interim, and with Christmas around the corner, here* are 20 Gift Ideas For Leaf Fans...
(*If you hate this post, please don't tell me because it took me like 156 hours to do, which was 154 hours longer than I expected. And now my entire day is shot... Merry Christmas!)
GIFT NO. 1: Toronto Maple Leafs Toaster
PRICE: $39.99 (External link.)
Next time you have overnight guests, they may seriously think about jumping out a window when you present them with a plate of scrambled eggs and "ProToast." But who cares. This damn thing burns a Leafs logo into your bread! It turns breakfast into a tailgate party. It turns a normal sandwich into a... Leafswich.
GIFT NO. 2: Toronto Maple Leafs Cuckoo Clock
PRICE: $199.99 (External link.)
When does the game start? Why don't your friends visit anymore? Now you can answer both of these questions at once just by glancing at this handsome timepiece. Featuring a rich walnut finish, a goalie pendulum (you can pretend it's Jiggy or Goose), "hockey stick detailing" and a helmet-wearing bird that announces the time. Unlike Lebda, this clock will never disappoint you.
GIFT NO. 3: "Mustache & Giant Tongue" Dog Toys
PRICE: $10 each (External link.)
Now Rex and Sparkles can do their best impressions of Mike Brown (left) and Colton Orr (right).
GIFT NO. 4: Toronto Maple Leafs Window Valance
PRICE: $29.99 (External link.)
The days are getting shorter. Your curtains are closed for longer periods. So when sitting alone and dreaming about the playoffs, why not stare at a unique décor item that's probably not endorsed by Martha Stewart (or any Martha for that matter). Do the neighbours know you are a Leafs fan? They will now with this screen-printed Leafs window valance! In fact, they may never stop pointing at your house again!
GIFT NO. 5: Chill Pill Ice Cubes
PRICE: $5.95 (External link.)
It's been a season of ups and downs. The Leafs just won four games in a row! The Leafs are... 8 point out of a playoff spot. To get you through the next 52 games, why not drop these reusable blue and white (and red, for the goal light) ice cubes into your triple vodka? You get nine per set, or three per period.
GIFT NO. 6: Wooden Abacus (10 Rows)
PRICE: 19.99 (External link.)
Is the Leaf fan in your life tired of staring at stats on a computer screen? Is he looking for a fun and unique new way to calculate "games on hand" and "magic numbers"? To symbolize 43 long years of Stanley Cup drought, give your Leafs-loving loved one the gift of an ancient calculation device. Even if he never learns to use it, the sliding balls will provide important relaxation whenever Bill Watters appears on TV to trash Phil Kessel.
GIFT NO. 7: LED Faucet Light
PRICE: $19.99 (External link.)
Like the toaster, this thing is just damn cool. Really? We Leaf fans can now fill our water glasses under a blue light? Incredible. And on nights when things aren't going particularly well, the blue light will provide special illumination as we fumble around for a hand towel after throwing that glass of water in your own faces!
GIFT NO. 8: Woven Blanket
PRICE: $47.99 (External link.)
Let's say you want to put a jinx on the opposition goalie. Let's say you want to create karmic forces that are all about bad goals, lots of them. Let's say you want to ironically inflict the name of a man who is synonymous with puck non-stopping at its best. And let's say you want to do all of this while keeping warm. People, may I present the "Toronto Maple Leafs Vesa Toskala Triple Woven Jacquard 48x60 Blanket."
GIFT NO. 9: Hunter Toronto Maple Leafs Mug-Stein-Shot Glass Fan Set
PRICE: $29.99 (External link.)
If the first 30 games are any indication, you should probably buy three or four of these drinking sets for the Leafs fan in your life. And maybe throw in some gift certificates to this place.
GIFT NO. 10: Touch by Alyssa Milano Toronto Maple Leafs Ladies Navy Blue Double Layered Premium Tri-Blend V-neck T-shirt
PRICE: $31.95 (External link.)
Not much to say here except this: Alyssa Milano is modeling a Leafs shirt!
GIFT NO. 11: Sony Noise-Cancelling Foldable Headphones
PRICE: $49.99 (External link.)
Will Dion Phaneuf get booed tonight in Calgary? If you had these, you wouldn't have to find out.
(If only such a product existed when Larry Murphy was here and the Leafs were playing in Pittsburgh or Washington.)
GIFT NO. 12: Fundex Toronto Maple Leafs Rubik's Cube
PRICE: $18.99 (External link.)
Hey, look, Ron Wilson just called a time-out. Uh oh. There's a problem with the glass. Well, looks like we're switching goalies. From now on, whatever the game delay, you can keep yourself occupied with this one-of-a-kind Leafs Rubik's Cube. Best of all: It will make you smart enough to read the lips of Mikhail Grabovski and Nikolai Kulemin when they're on the bench and complaining to each other about Clarke MacArthur's excessive post-goal hugging.
GIFT NO. 13: Coleman Camping Iron
Price: $19.18 (External link.)
Two words: Portable waffles.
GIFT NO. 14: Toronto Maple Leafs Game Hero Custom Sports CD
PRICE: $19.95 (External link)
For the Leaf fan who dreams about leading the Leafs to a Game 7 victory in the Stanley Cup finals. This 10-minute CD will make "anyone a star" by inserting his or her name into the fictional play-by-play. It also features "fist pumping sound effects and cool music" that’s "so realistic you won't believe your ears." Really, you won't.
GIFT NO. 15: Toronto Maple Leafs Sidelines Pillow
PRICE: $25.76 (External link.)
Oh my God! The Leafs were losing 4-0. But now it’s 4-3! And they’re pressing like crazy! This could be another miraculous comeback! On nights like this, instead of destroying your home with hard and dangeous objects, this branded throw pillow will lend itself to spontaneous punches of joy, kicks of excitement, flings of happiness and squishes of victory.
GIFT NO. 16: Bull Horn Speaker Unit With Remote Microphone
PRICE: $189.00 (External link.)
The Leafs are playing pretty good hockey these days. But you know it's just a matter of time until we're all screaming at our television sets again. With this blue-and-white megaphone, now Leaf fans can REALLY BE HEARD. And it comes with a remote microphone. I said, IT COMES WITH A REMOTE MICROPHONE. So now you can set the megaphone on a table in the living room and still yell at the TV when you're getting your blue ice cubes from the kitchen: "KABERLE, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE ON THE POWER PLAY! NOBODY IS AROUND YOU! SHOOT THE PUCK ALREADY!"
GIFT NO. 17: Giant Feather Tickler
PRICE: $5.99 (External link.)
This gift may look like it's for cats. But it's really for any Leaf fan with season tickets behind the bench. Here's what we need you to do: 1. Lean over the glass and jam this giant tickler under one of Ron Wilson's arms. 2. Move it around real quick 3. Check to see if he's smiling. 4. Repeat until security escorts you from the building. 5. Try again next game.
GIFT NO. 18: Blue Charm (For Good Luck)
PRICE: $6.00 (External link.)
Look at this thing. It's an "eye ball" charm that "can be hung from rearview mirrors, put on a cord or necklace, hung in your house or used in many other ways." And it's called the "Nazar Boncugu," which sounds suspiciously like the “Nazem Beauchemin.”
Everybody inside Leafs Nation needs to get one of these right now. I don't want to be the only one. It's kind of scaring me.
GIFT NO. 19: 3-Point Rink Rat Hat
PRICE: $39.95 (External link.)
From the marketing copy: "Choosing Maple Leafs headwear can be challenging at the best of times. Whether it is that spectacular Maple Leafs cap for a special occasion, or a beanie to just keep your head and ears warm on a winter day, you have to get it just right." I don't know about that. What I do know is this: If you're visiting an enemy rink to cheer for the Leafs this winter, this hat will tell rowdy locals that you are: a) possibly mentally unstable so, b) have fun and enjoy the extra elbow room!
GIFT NO. 20: Toronto Maple Leafs Golf Putter
PRICE: $114.99 (External link.)
I hope the Leafs will be playing hockey this spring when the golf courses start to open. No, I pray they will be playing hockey. I do.
But just in case...