A letter to Santa

Mr. Santa Claus
North Pole, Canada
HOH OHO
 
RE: Urgent Gifts Request

Dear Santa:

I am writing on behalf of my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs.

They don't know I am serving as a middleman between the North Pole and Air Canada Centre. So please be discreet (just like in 1985 when I asked for a pastel Lacoste shirt, the issue of Playboy featuring Madonna and a hat-trick for Greg Terrion).

Without further ado – and with apologies for this urgent but last-minute request – here is a list of gifts those naughty Leafs need this Christmas:

1. EARLY SHARPSHOOTING

Santa, some math for you to consider: If I had a nickel for every time the Leafs scored in the first period, I would now have 95 cents. Not even enough to buy a waffle! The Leafs have 19 first period goals – second worst in the league. Please wrap-up some early tallies this team can open in the year ahead.

2. THIEF MASKS FOR THE GOALIES

Jean-Sebastien Giguere's GAA is 2.80. That ranks him 29 in a league with 30 teams. Jonas Gustavsson's GAA has now crept up to 3.10, which is 39th. Can you please fill a big box with no more bad goals on the short side? No more shoulda-had-that-ones late in a period? No more three goal outbursts in 57 seconds? Put a bow on some miraculous kick saves. Give these guys the gift of cutting the angles and staying on their feet and not losing focus. Our puck-stoppers need to steal some games in 2011 to atone for their middling start.

3. MORE PLUS, LESS MINUS

Only two Leafs have a plus +/- and both of them are only a +1. Further, one of them is Colton Orr while the other is a fellow by the name of Joey Crabb. I mean, honestly. Kris Versteeg is a -16! That ranks him 750 out of 759 players in this league! Fix this, Santa. Give our skaters the gift of backchecking and picking up their men in the defensive zone.

4. THE SPIRIT OF AVARICE

This team could use an inspirational lecture from Ebenezer Scrooge. What a ridiculously generous bunch they are: Here, want the puck? Take it! Oh, hello opposition winger on the forecheck. Go to the slot. I’ll wait until you’re comfortable. Ready? I’m about to clear the zone by turning my body to the play and backhanding the puck blindly through my legs right onto your stick! Francois Beauchemin alone has 47 giveaways – that's second worst in the league! And third worst is Luke Schenn! Give these guys the power of greediness in 2011. Stop them from being so altruistic.

5. NEW FRONTAL LOBES

The Leafs don't take an excessive number of penalties, a small mercy given their PK. But of the ones they do take, too many fall under the scientific classification of "boneheaded." Punching a guy in the mouth for no apparent reason when the ref is two feet away? Tripping a guy in your own zone when the play is miles away? Too many men on the ice? Twice in one game? Really? Santa, as I seem to recall from neurology class, the frontal lobe controls decision-making. Please make a decision to replace certain frontal lobes on this team before it's too late for all of us.

6. CONCENTRATION ON ROAD DRAWS

Here's another gift idea based on a simple question: How many Leafs boast a winning percentage for faceoffs when the team is on the road? Exactly, Santa. Exactly.

7. IMPROVED VISION FOR ODD-MAN RUSHES

Santa, here are the sentences that usually tumble out of my mouth when the Leafs have an odd-man rush:

1. "Yes! Here we go! Three-on-one! OH MY GOD, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PASSING TO?"

2. "Two-on-one! Yes! Home alon—OH MY GOD, IF YOU’RE SITTING IN THE PURPLES, DUCK!"

3. "Oh, it's a four-on-one. OH MY GOD, NOW IT'S A THREE-ON-ONE GOING THE OTHER WAY!"

Santa, give these guys some bifocals that can be clipped under their foggy shields. Hell, kidnap them, throw them in your sleigh and treat them to laser eye surgery. Help them see each other in 2011.

8. OPPOSITION NETS THAT MOVE, FLOAT, LEVITATE AND EXPAND

You'd probably have to work this out with Gary Bettman. Or God. But just an idea.

9. A STOCKING FULL OF DAZZLE FOR SOMEONE... ANYONE

The Leafs have problems scoring. So, technically, I shouldn't be nitpicking the kind of scoring they manage to do every two or three periods. Honestly, on most nights, I’d be thrilled if an errant pass by an opposition player bounced off someone's head and rolled past the goal line. But on other nights, I think: "Where is the dazzle? Why does this team produce so few highlight-reel goals?" I don't know, Santa. If you can't make this team win more maybe you could at least ratchet-up the entertainment value.

10. NEW SPECIAL TEAMS, MORE QUALITY SHOTS

A power play is supposed to fill fans with anticipation, not fear. A penalty kill is supposed to feel entirely possible, not like a guaranteed goal against. Santa, the only special thing about these teams is the way they make us drink. I know it’s a lot to ask. But help these magnificent poor Leaf bastards in 2011. They need it. As do we.

***

I can't believe it’s already Christmas Eve. I also can’t believe I still need to do some shopping. Bloody hell.

Just a final note before I dash into the chaos: Thank you.

When this blog started a few weeks ago, I never imagined so many smart and funny people would suddenly catapult into my life. But that's exactly what happened.

On any given day, your comments are so much better than my posts. On any given day, I never feel cold and alone inside the wind-swept tundra that is Leafs Nation.

To be a Leafs fan can sometimes feel like an exercise in self-flagellation. But your company this season, through the ups and downs (and more downs), has made this exercise seem more like group therapy.

If I were a rich man, I would send each of you a cheque for $1 million and maybe a batch of lemon squares. But I am not rich. And so at the risk of sounding maudlin, I can only offer you a heartfelt thanks.

I snapped the picture above this morning, as an unexpected burst of sunlight poured through my wooden shutters and bathed my tree. Here's to sunny days in 2011.

Merry Christmas.

PHOTO: VINAY MENON/TORONTO STAR

Comments

[moe green]

Merry Christmas Vinay and thanks for the kind words and Christmas cheer. You are right, you've made us all feel that we're in this together. It's a lot easier that way.

Now on to your terrifying statistics. I had no idea things were this bad. So Beauchemin is second worst in the league in turnovers? And the "much-improved" Luke Schenn is third worst? These are scary numbers. And perhaps the scariest of all is Kris Versteeg whose 750th of 759? Those are horrific numbers for which there is no reasonable excuse. Well Kessel is -14. Where does that place him? And Lebda's a -13 in 17 games! Is that some kind of a record?

I really didn't know things were this bad. The worse thing is, I don't think these guys are even bothered about it. After all, they're just kids right.

VM Replies: I'm holding out hope for the "outside help" Burke mentioned this week. Merry Christmas, Moe!

[Juleehockey]

Hi.
I'm a Habs fan and blogger, and though I don't root for the Leafs, I read you all the time and await your posts, because they are absolutely wonderful. I miss the days of true rivalry between our teams, and as a resident of the GTA, I cannot help but follow the Leafs and watch them. Your writing has made the whole experience worthwhile, and I actually wonder as I watch a game what you'll have to say about it the next day, because your insights are just so witty and smart.
You guys have the right spirit: laugh in the face of adversity, and hope for the best for your team.
Merry Christmas to everyone, and kudos for your undying loyalty to a team that truly tests the most devoted.
I hope Santa realizes some of your wishes, and I am curious to see what the new year will bring to Leafs Nation.

All my best wishes to you hockey fans, from a Habs fan who also just loves hockey!
http://toomanymen.wordpress.com/

VM Replies: Thanks for reading from behind enemy lines. Happy New Year.

[TG77]

Vinay -thanks to you as well for a great blog. I will send you my tuition bill when I have to spend an extra year here based on the amount of time I have spent reading your posts and the hilarious (and sometimes ridiculous) responses that follow. Those stats about individual players are rather bleak but it's Christmas Eve and well I have bailey's in my coffee so I am not too concerned. Cheers everyone! Oh and on a side note, did you see that there are Swedish hockey hooligans throwing smoke bombs at opposing fans on sportscentre? It kinda puts waffles into perspective.

VM Replies: Merry merry, TG77. Your perspective from Vancouver has been a joy all season.

[GregR]

Vinay - Your blog is a must read for any Leaf fan suffering the few ups and many downs of this season. Your insights and comments often make me laugh out loud the next day after watching a game that made me cry! Keep up the great work!

Merry Christmas!

VM Replies: Goodness, thanks. Merry Christmas to you.

[Hoofheartz]

Vinay, it is us of Leafs Nation who should be thanking you for giving us a forum to vent our considerable frustrations at our beloved hockey team. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for you I truly would have quit the team by now.

VM Replies: I'm glad we're on the same side in all of this, Hoof. Merry Christmas and keep working on that granddaughter of yours. Leafs Nation needs the next generation to be ready.

[Account Deleted]

Hello my name is Tim and I'm a Leafs fan.This is a great support group.If we can just get the Leafs to do that fearless moral inventory step,we have a chance.Merry Christmas to everyone again and see ya Monday.

VM Replies: Sunday!

[TAC]

Ironic that a Leafs' Xmas ornament is hanging from a pine tree considering most of the Leafs should be riding the pine more often.

Ok, yes, it does actually look like a spruce tree. ;)

VM Replies: Balsam fir.

[KWood19]

great post vinay. how about asking for burke to pull off another miraculous trade to bring the leafs a legit number one centre?
happy holidays!

VM Replies: That would be a pretty good gift. Happy holidays to you.

[Deepak]

Hey VM..as usual an awesome blog..

Just one thing though... isn't it too much to ask for from Santa?! :-)

....Frustrated Leafs fan :-(

VM Replies: If we ask for too much maybe we'll get just enough?

[Leigh-Ann]

I don't know if I've commented prior to this, but I'm a long-suffering Leafs' fan living in Las Vegas (born in Ottawa, raised in Toronto), and I look forward to your blogs as a reminder that hockey, even Leafs hockey, is supposed to be fun and entertaining! I still proudly wear my Leafs' jersey around the streets of Vegas... it's a perfect way to find my fellow Canadians :) All the very best, and may you enjoy a white Christmas (we're going to have a rainy one). Please eat an extra buttertart or Nanaimo bar or slice of tortiere for me!

VM Replies: Vegas! Best wishes to you and Merry Christmas.

[We BeLeaf]

Hi Vinay, just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas and just as the unexpected burst of sunlight that poured through your shutters to bathe your tree, I wish to thank you for providing a ray of sunlight to all of us who have had the fortune of reading your blog.
I would also like to wish a Merry Christmas and good fortune to all I have had the pleasure of reading on here, such as Pyramid Power, Nik, getting cozy..., TG77, Moe Green, Hoof, Ken and all the rest who have made this site what a huge success.
Cheers to all Leaf Nation!

VM Replies: Merry Christmas to you and thanks for all of your thoughtful and remarkably upbeat comments.

[Jeroen]

Dear Vinay,
A quick message from Europe here. Leafs fan from the netherlands.
I dont get to see that many games here on TV coz nobody gives a crap about hockey here but I follow the leafs online daily. Love your blogs coz after I see the depressing result of another game at least I know you'll put some kinda smile on my face again. Cheers all, Merry Christmas and: Go Leafs Go!!!

VM Replies: Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas.

[Pyramid Power]

@We BeLeaf Same to you brother and to Moe, TG77, Hoof, GLG, Sarkozy and everyone else that we see regularly and others that we don't. Hope you had a good one.

Mine has been over for awhile now, Sunday morning over here and just getting ready for a working day.

@Jeroen in the Netherlands. There are various websites you can use to see all Leafs games online if you did not know already. Please contact Vinay for my e-mail address if you want those sites if you don't already have them.

And of course a late Merry Christmas to Vinay and family here. Hope you are all well.

GO CANADA GO AND GO LEAFS GO TOMORROW!

VM Replies: Merry Christmas to you, PP. I can't imagine this blog without your input. Thanks for the continual hockey smarts and play-by-play. It's appreciated.

[Pyramid Power]

Forgot Mr. Nik Culoman.

Merry Christmas to you too sir! Hope you are well and hope you do not feel piled on from a blog ago. That was gang tackling Steeler style but I think you got the skin that is thick enough to handle that right? Good for you.

[leafland'r]

Vinay, I've given the best Christmas present ever to all my friends: how and where to find your great Leaf fan blog. I've already got emails back by this Christmas night saying how entertaining the discovery is.
No doubt you've had a Merry Christmas and there's no doubt you'll bring a Happy New Year to many Leaf fans ( regardless of the Leaf season outcome).

VM Replies: You are too kind. Thanks. I think we're all going to have a great 2011. Merry Christmas.

[oakville_girl]

Coming on late tonight after a very busy 2 days spent eating, and being merry. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that Santa received all of your wishes for the leafs. Great list Vinay, let's hope the elves were able to help Santa with some of your wishes. Like @moe, I didn't truly realize how bad the stats actually were.

Even though I said I'm not going to watch the Leafs, I will likely have a peek after the WJ game tomorrow. I don't have any visiting or parties tomorrow, so lots of free time.

Merry, Merry....

VM Replies: All the best to you, oakville_girl. I'm glad we didn't lose you.

[Robert]

Vinay: You more than anyone have brought Leaf fans together. All the commentators and all the writers can not do what you have done - open dialogue among so many of us who love our Toronto Maple Leafs. I trust the new year will treat you and yours well, and that maybe, just maybe, Mr. Burke will listen to the voices you have raised in chorus and do the right thing. Regards.

VM Replies: Thank you, Robert. Your comments have thundered with calm reason and inspired my posts. All the best to you in 2011.

[80s Leafs]

Happy Boxing Day, Vinay.
I'm curious to know how your 1985 Greg Terrion hat-trick wish turned out? I was probably too busy playing my favourite gift, Platinum Blond's "Alien Shores" record over and over, to notice how the Leafs did the next few games around Christmas that year.
I'm guessing you're still waiting for the "Tubby Terrion 'trick" but hopefully maybe Dan Daoust came through with an assist for you).

VM Replies: As I recall, the Greg Terrion hat-trick never arrived. And the Madonna pictorial made my eyes hurt for weeks. Platinum Blonde was also my personal soundtrack during this troubling period. ("Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.")
Thanks for your great comments all season.

[maxwelledison]

I fully understand the Leafs situation and their fans frustration. The Leafs have always been my second favorite team.

However, that may change soon because the angst level with the Buffalo Sabres seems almost insurmountable.

BTW... How about a trade? We send you Connoly and two others, you send us Kaberle and anybody who can score and skate-all-out for a full game.

... You guys have it better than you think!

VM Replies: Come on over!

[Alecia]

I'm a little late in reading this post, but merry belated Christmas and happy Boxing day!

Here is to hoping that this Christmas break has magically rejuvenated our boys, and if not, let's hope their parents hit them over the head at Christmas dinner for all their bad plays and knocked some sense, and better vision, into them.

Vinay, awesome blog! Keep up the great writing and keep us laughing during these trying times in Leafs Nation! It's the only thing that makes a Leafs loss somewhat excusable. Thanks Vinay for bring all of us Leaf fans - the hopeful and the depressed - together during this tumultuous and exhausting hockey season.

VM Replies: Thank you, Alecia, for injecting positive energy into even the bleakest days. We're lucky to have you.

[Alecia]

Thanks Vinay!

Anyone dare to predict the score for tonight's Leafs. vs Jersey game?

[Alecia]

Sorry for the double post - but here's a Christmas gift:

Lebda is a healthy scratch tonight.

[moe green]

K sports fans tonight is the first night of the rest of the season. So we spotted the playoff teams a few points. Candy asses are gonna need it. Time to put on a show - carve out a new entry in the record books for most awesome second half. Lebda can't be all that healthy, he's -13 in 17 games! Goose, Thrill, Greta, Kristofferson - it's time to win a few in a row. Four would be a good start. If not, Burke's gonna send some of you to some godawful place like Edmonston or New Jersey. You want that? No? Then win for chrissakes!

[ght]

Merry Christmas 'Leafers'. Doing hard time me thinks.
Should be as easy a game as you guy's will ever get tonight against the lowly....and I mean lowly, New Jersey Devils. You are at the crossroads and the road ahead...depending on the one you (they) choose is fraught with pitfalls and despair or bliss. This is when we see what the Leafs are made of. I personally am hoping for a victory. Why you ask? Why would a Habs fan want us to win? Because if you lose (and you probably will) the spotlight will 'finally' be shining bright in Burkies face. His perfectly coiffed hair and Hugo Boss suits will be front and center. Now the Hockey world will see what type of G.M he really is.
I have been hearing for the past 2 years from Leaflets like you that this is 'The Guy'. Well Buddy Boy. ...chance number 2 is awaiting you. Does he get 3? I sure hope so.....lol.

Happy New Year!!

[Alecia]

Moe - I'm with you. Let's hope for a good start off the gate. The first 4 games are New Jersey, Carolina, Columbus and the Sens. I think it's very possible for the Leafs to win those 4 but tonight's game will really determine the tone for the rest of the week. If the Leafs don't beat Jersey tonight...well, may god, jesus, moses, zeuz, whoever you believe in - help us all.

[moe green]

Okay Alecia, re the prediction, here goes. Ready? 7-3 Leafs. Can anyone beat that one?

VM Replies: Wow. I have a question: Is drinking a part of Boxing Day in Texas?

[moe green]

And well said Alecia. I just can't imagine the state we all will be in if they lose so I gotta figure they are going to win tonight. The alternative is for me, quite literally, unimaginable.

[moe green]

Okay I'm revising. Burke is right, this team can't do it alone. My 7-3 prediction is off. 4-1 Toronto.

[moe green]

Back to the 7-3 prediction.

[Alecia]

I've always had a soft spot for Brodeur, but I'd like the leafs to start with a shut out. Is that too much to ask?

[oakville_girl]

Anyone want to charter a bus and go get some cheap seats at the game? I know that NJ usually has a hard time getting people to fill the stands even in the playoffs, but I think there is only a few more people in the stands than there are on the benches.

Two teams with little or no confidence playing each other in front of very few fans.

Makes you kind of wonder if this could be a good game. No pressure from fans in the building, almost like a practice.

[moe green]

Now NJ, that's a team that has quit.

VM Replies: This game is cracking me up.

[Pyramid Power]

Waking up to a 3-0 lead with Army, Kulemin and Mitchell having scored after two is so perfect to cure a crushing hangover.

And the Canadiens are losing 2-0! Oh me golly Christmas has come late. But it has come. Let's nail this one down.

GO LEAFS GO!

VM Replies: Good to have you back for the third period. Mind you, sleeping off a hangover was definitely the wise choice over watching the first two periods of this game.

[Pyramid Power]

And Canada won 6-3 over the Russians. Beautiful!

Knocked Fatboy out. Hedberg in nets for Jersey. Snowing and the Leafs stuck in Jersey for the night.

What a chance for Kessel! Shot pass by Beauchemin was very nice.

LEAFS!

[Pyramid Power]

What a chance for Kadri! Wow! How does he not score there on that nice passing play?

Goose looking very good.

I shoulda just kept drinking Vinay. THAT would have been the wise choice. Damn. :)

LEAFS! YES! YES! YES! YES!

[Pyramid Power]

Nice. Goose has the goose going. Langenbrunner off for hooking. Jersey just took another penalty.

PP chance here to add to our lead.

GO LEAFS GO! GET THE WIN AND THE SHUTOUT! 4 on 3 for another minute here for Toronto.

[Pyramid Power]

Goose vs. Moose for Jersey. Love it!

Wow! The 'crowd' is going wild for Moose in nets for Jersey. lol

LEAFS! Outchancing Jersey 6-0 in the third here. Wow! Life is good.

[Pyramid Power]

What is going through Jacques Lemaire's mind now? Wow!

"I came out of retirement tree times now for dis! I am foolish!" LOL

Poor old dude. Welcome back to Jersey Jacques! :)

[Pyramid Power]

Pelley breaks up the shutout. Bummer. Kid had not scored for exactly one year until that goal. That's OK.

Bring it home Goose. Let's just get the victory here.

LEAFS!

[Pyramid Power]

Getting a little tense here. Beauchemin took a hooking penalty.

Bozak did a heckuva job on the PK. Great block by of all people Tomas Kaberle.

Finish them off Toronto. No more penalties and an insurance marker would be nice.

LEAFS!

[moe green]

I can't see real good, is that number 99 out there?

[Pyramid Power]

ARMY! 4-1 TORONTO!

YES! YES! YES! YES!

Kaberle with the assist. Beautiful. Gonna win this one. Great job guys!

Devils have been outscored 24-5 in their last five games. Brutal.

[Pyramid Power]

You called it Moe! Go buy a lottery ticket.

4-1 Toronto! Final!

Eight points outta the playoffs. Gotta beleaf!

Too bad Goose couldn't get the shutout, but will happily take those two points and deposit them in our bank account. Great win!

[moe green]

I thought Edmonton was a terrible team. And they are, but this NJ team. Wow.

[moe green]

It was actually "Goose" not "Moose" coming from the stands. See why it's such a great nick.

[Alecia]

Vinay, can we go back to calling them magnificent bastards now? I know it's only jersey but we can all take the confidence boost...

[oakville_girl]

Glad for the 2 points, but it sure was a sleeper. I know I did fall asleep during parts of the game.

@PP - too funny about poor Lemaire.....

Can't wait to hear Vinay's thoughts on this game!

[moe green]

so aren't we a little excited again? who's Burke gonna trade? I'm a little scared.

[leafland'r]

@moe green ( 7:29pm) Shouldna' back tracked. Coulda' made a bundle on your second guess at 4-1 for TO . Now, hope you will be right on with a money makin' winning prediction for Thursday's game.

VM Replies: That was a spooky call by Moe.

[Sensi-Bill]

A little late posting here, I know. Was busy Boxing Day night, shouting myself hoarse --- "GO SENS, GO!!!" and "H-B-O! H-B-O!" --- as my Sens ended the Pens' winning streak --- and ALMOST ended Sid's scoring streak --- in front of the HBO cameras. (We HAD to win having been shown in the last episode of 24/7 helping Washington end their LOSING streak. (sigh) ) But did want to drop by here and wish Vinay and all who also post here a belated but heartfelt Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. AND may the New Year hold much better luck for the Leafs and their fans --- as long as the Leafs DON'T beat and/or pass my beloved Sens. (g) BEST WISHES TO ALL, especially those special posters already named and singled out above.

VM Replies: You are a classy Ottawa fan, Sensi-Bill. Best wishes to you and yours. I feared we had lost you after the terrorist post.