Game Day: Sidney Crosby is a terrorist

 

We're about five hours away from The Big Game.

Mind you, since the Leafs remain 9 points out of a playoff spot, every game is big. But this one is super-sized. It's gigantic. It has its own area code. It beeps in reverse.

Pittsburgh, riding a 10-game winning streak, is perched atop the East with 40 points. Yes, they may have the most ridiculous logo in the NHL. But make no mistake: These Penguins are now soaring like eagles.

And why is this team annihilating the opposition? Simple. It's because Sidney Crosby is a terrorist. He is now blowing stuff up around the net. He is attacking goalies with his dirty-bomb of a shot. He is terrorizing defencemen with his enriched-plutonium speed and his improvised-explosive playmaking.

I didn't have time to make my own chart today. So I had to steal this one on the left from the Department of Homeland Security.

Now look at the various threat levels in this advisory system. But when reading the chart, replace the word "Terrorist" with the words "Sidney Crosby Scoring."

For example, the only time we are safely positioned at "LOW: Low Risk of Sidney Crosby Scoring Attacks" is when it's 4 a.m. and he's asleep in his Batman pajamas.

During breakfast, the threat level moves to GUARDED: General Risk of Sidney Crosby Scoring Attacks. You never know, right? He may suddenly slam down his bowl of Frosted Flakes and decide to score on you.

By afternoon, on game days, we creep up to ELEVATED: Signifcant Risk of Sidney Crosby Scoring Attacks. He is in the rink. He is stroking the lapels of his expensive Italian suit. He is grinning and plotting. He is fantasizing about scoring on you.

Then just before the puck drops, holy hell, run for cover! The threat level has now switched to HIGH: High Risk of Sidney Crosby Scoring Attacks! He's not blinking normally! He's banging his stick on the ice! He's so, so ready to score on you!

Having to face a HIGH alert is frightening enough. Unfortunately for the Leafs, we are now at SEVERE: Severe Risk of Sidney Crosby Scoring Attacks.

Crosby has 24 goals and 24 assists this season. He has racked up points in 16 straight games, including 18 goals. And if all of this wasn't sufficiently horrifying, take a look at his career totals against our beloved Toronto Maple Leafs:

Games: 21 
Goals: 15 
Assists: 18 
Points: 33
PPG: 5
GWG: 2

Or to translate these numbers into a picture:

So, please, gather all of your superstitious objects. Put on your magical amulets and must-win underwear. Keep your lucky pet on the couch this evening. Because the Leafs will need every bit of good karma we can direct into the Consol Energy Center.

As for containing the terrorist, well, the best advice comes from Sidney Crosby himself.

"If you were a rival team's coach," asked a reader of AskMen.com three years ago, "How would you try to stop Sidney Crosby?"

Sid the Kid's answer: "For any player, it's tough when they come at you physically and take space away. If you give any good player time, they're going to try to take advantage of that time. I would say for a team to be physical is the best way."

You know who plays physical and takes away space? Colby Armstrong. You know what the Leafs' record is with Armstrong in the line-up? It's 7-2-1. You know who understands Sidney Crosby more than any other player in the visitor's dressing room? Colby Armstrong.

Call me crazy but I have a good feeling about tonight. The Leafs play well in Pittsburgh. The Pens' winning streak has to end at some point, right? Right? So if our magnificent Leaf bastards arrive with the determination and grit and never-say-die attitude we've witnessed over the past two games, there should be no threat they can't overcome.

UPDATE: 3:30 P.M.: Okay, maybe we have to remove the LOW threat level completely. This picture just arrived in my inbox from a source who must remain anonymous:

 

***

And from a hockey bed to a non-hockey bed...

It's December 8, 2010. Hard to believe but John Lennon was killed 30 years ago today. Since Colby Armstrong wears No. 9, I leave you with this video of a great song from a great man:

 

MAIN PHOTO: DON HEUPEL/ASSOCIATED PRESS

Comments

[Simon]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH I'm pumped, GO LEAFS GO!

Loved the security advisory Vinay.

VM Replies: Pumped is a great word. I can't sit still today.

[The 5th Line Centre]

There is a dramatic spike in Leaf Fan drinking whenever the leafs lose or get scored on. If Crosby goes nuclear tonight there will be a large number of new AA members in the morning.
I wonder if anyone ever explained how he is hurting people and turning them into alcoholics... If not then some one should. Hell, it's worth a try.
Take a read here while sober (or mostly) if you need a fix of Leaf reading to keep you going:
http://5thlinecentre.wordpress.com/

[omar]

LMFAO! what a chart i never knew sidney crosby was a terrorist until you mentioned it. Thank Vinay now i know why he kills everyone ESPECIALLY us. Also, i can't watch the game because i have work tonight. Damnit all!!!!!! Atleast i won't be on the edge of my seat having a heart attack everytime i see the leafs turning it over.

Cheer Vinay
as always a sick blog you have

VM Replies: Is this the same omar who left a comment after Game 26? If so, please make sure your mother and sister go to the mall this evening.

[Bracken]

My girlfriend now has a crush on Colby Armstrong - I'll need to show her this video. I'll admit that I have hefty dose of a man-crush on him also. Which old teammate will he be chirping tonight when they meet up? Matt Cooke? Not sure if Cooker was still in Vancouver when Armstrong was a Pen, but they'd be a great sideshow regardless.

[We BeLeaf]

Another great post Vinay! I hope that the Jihad that Sid the Kid took out against his opponents ended last game with the Devils! I don't care if Sid scores a lot of goals tonight, all that really matters is that the Leafs score one more than the Pens.

Cheers to all in Leaf Nation!

VM Replies: Cheers right back to you, We BeLeaf.

[Bracken]

As a side note, "Jealous Guy" would have also been an apt video for today. Anybody that doesn't have The Kid on their team usually winds up a little jealous...I wonder if the fact that Sidney did mean to hurt us and isn't sorry to have made us cry changes it a little?!?!

VM Replies: Damn. That would have been a good song for today.

[Andrew]

If by "most ridiculous logo" you mean "2nd only to the Maple Leaf", then I'm with you. The penguin on skates is perfect. Surely you can't prefer that orinthologically correct version they tried for awhile. Gimme the Pens in baby blues sporting the hockey-playing bird. It's probably also a good idea not to deride the logo of the organisation harbouring the world's greatest terrorist.

[KD]

Didn't I read today somewhere that Homeland Security was getting rid of their colour-coding (or as they call it, color-coding)? Otherwise, a great analogy!

VM Replies: Yes, that's why I had to use the chart today! Here's a non-hockey story about the change: http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2010/dec/08/terror-threat-advisory-system

[Jesse]

I'm going to go home, cool down some cold ones, give Bubba (The Maple Leafs Lucky Cat) his dinner and maybe some treats too, then we'll be ready for the battle on ice!

VM Replies: If you can, send me a picture of Bubba (email is: vmenon@thestar.ca). Actually, if anybody else has a superstitious object (inanimate or breathing), send me a picture. I want to start posting our good-luck Leaf items.

[Simmer]

If they can stop Stamkos, they can stop Sidney, right?

...right?

[leafland'r]

Let's get phtsical? The way I see it, let Armstrong be Crosby's "shadow" with a strongarm.

[Brendan]

I am a Penguins fan living in Pittsburgh, and I have to say that the Leafs fans always bring the class. I am a diehard and always read up on the game before, including the comments on blogs, and the Leafs fans never cease to amaze me with class and respect. Case in point with the commentors here. Also, the Leafs fans always invade Pittsburgh, and while I am not a fan of an invading army, once again, I can't complain about the Leafs fans. I always mark my calendar and make sure I make at least one Leafs game a season just to jest with the Leafs fans. Win or lose, they are always willing to have a beer with you after, talk hockey (and this goes without saying, but they are most knowledgeable fan base), make fun of their own team, and are just there for the love of the sport. I look forward to tonigts game,and I look forward to hanging out with some of you after. Go Pens!!!!

VM Replies: Welcome, Brendan.

[Moe Green]

You've gotta treat Sid and the Pens like you do Al-Qaeda. First, you've got to make it difficult for him to travel. Don't let him pass through security with any vulcanized rubber objects. You have to follow him, interrupt his transmissions, restrict his access to the other members of his organization. If possible infiltrate the cel with a former member, an insider, a mole. In Colby Armstrong's case, more of a ferret or weasel. If you do this, you can minimize his impact. But remember, If we stop scoring goals, if we stop skating, if we stop checking, if we stop playing OUR game - the terrorists win.

If only we could make him to take off his skates before he entered our zone.

VM Replies: Take a bow, Moe Green.

[TG77]

Cheers Brendan. I went to a Pens-Leafs game a few years back and it was the game when the lights went out (twice) at the Igloo. It was seriously half and half fans-wise, maybe even a slight edge to the Leafs fans. It was a great atmosphere and Chad Kilger scored the only goal on a penalty shot. Other than being yelled at to sit down during the penalty shot it was a great time and a fun city. During the 2nd power outage, I tried to get discounted beer since it was a little less colder than it would be with power in the building but no dice. I am willing to look past this. I suppose a power outage in the new rink with an energy company as the key sponsor would be slightly more embarrassing. The fact that the Pens are crushing everyone with Staal and Malkin on the sidelines further solidifies Crosby as the best player in the league by a wide margin. That being said, his points streak has to end at some point. Let it be tonight.

A few people mentioned trying to get the Goooooooooooose chant to gain some momentum. I will ask my friend to make a sign for the game a la - Bobby Luooooooo versus the Goooooooooose and do his best to get on tv. Maybe adding a Jimmy Huuuuuuuuuuughson to the sign would help.

[Moe Green]

I would approach this game a little differently from most. I would try to lull the Sid and the Pens to sleep. Sid loves showing off in front of Canadian fans. Don't let him. This is the exact right time to play a tight checking, slow moving, "trappy" game that will frustrate the Pens into taking foolish penalties. No big crushing hits. No foolish fight by Orr to get the crowd into it. Everywhere there was a Pen I would have a Leaf or two getting overly friendly. Sticks in shooting lanes, blocked shots. Stick to them like sticky stickers covered with a sticky substance. I am looking forward to a tight-checking snoozefest punctuated by moments of Leaf brilliance. Tonight the Leafs have to swarm like stingy bees. Let's hope the Pens don't wake up until it's too late.

[Pyramid Power]

Outstanding blog and some fantastic comments as always.
Leaf sweater on, Buddhist statue up in front of the computer, pumped up for this one.

Would love to see Toronto playing with a lead, and getting a goal or three in the first would be beautiful.

Send in The Army to stop this terrorist threat. Colby and Brent need to get in Sid's face, and stop him dead in his tracks.

Goose is our final wedge of defence against the terrorists, and may all the gods bless him tonight.

Two wins against Penn teams tonight and tomorrow and the Leafs are back at .500. Let's do this!

GO YOU MAGNIFICENT LEAF BASTARDS GO!

[Moe Green]

I love Luke Schenn. Not only is he a monster but he's got excellent hockey sense. He rarely takes a bad penalty. Actually, I haven't checked but he rarely takes a penalty period. I bet he starts to put the puck in the net this season. I criticized Fletcher when he traded to move up in the draft but Schenn is starting to look like his legacy move. Yes even compared to the Gilmour trade. It's not controversial, but it wont hurt to restate it: Right now, Schenn is the best Leaf defenseman.

[Pyramid Power]

Heard a ridiculous Hab fan say Kaberle is easily our best defenceman.
Could not agree more with you Moe - Schenn is easily our most reliable defenceman right now.
Wonder if Orr goes anywhere near Engelland tonight after that one punch shocker last time in Pittsburgh?
Hopefully Beauchemin can score another one here in Pitt tonight.

Game faces on and GO LEAFS GO!

[Moe Green]

Where is the TSN feed... I hate the pittsburgh announcers!

[Moe Green]

just what you want - a crosby penalty. weathering the storm so far.

[Pyramid Power]

Army got under the terrorist's skin and got him to take a penalty. Nice.

[Moe Green]

gooose!

[Pyramid Power]

Crazy attempt at a shot block by Aulie. Goose unhappy but the kid is just a rookie.

Awww poop. Two posts and a goal for the terrorist. Amazing.

Usual suspects Komisarek and Beauchemin on the ice. Komisarek was particularly pathetic on that goal.

[Moe Green]

Colby's doing his job so far.

[Pyramid Power]

Phil Kessel: learn to pass the freakin' puck! Had Army wide open for a tap in but shot the puck. Make up for it now, and let's get a PP goal with Asham in the bin.

[Moe Green]

why not let them use shivs... i really am sick of it and what good does this do teh Leafs?

[Pyramid Power]

Rematch between Orr and Engelland. Kid very impressive holding his own again, and probably defeated Orr - again.

Getting the Pittsburgh stream too Moe. Such homers and not nearly as exciting as their old radio announcer. Forget his name but always loved the line, "He shoots, he scores. He's smilin' like a butcher's dog!"

[Pyramid Power]

Nice hit by Beauchemin on Kennedy. Pens announcers somehow think it might have been illegal. WHAT? Perfectly clean.

[Moe Green]

Getting out of that period down 1-0 is a victory for the Leafs. Off to the airport to pick up wife. What will the score be when I return? Can we afford to play Komi anymore?

[Pyramid Power]

I don't know what to say about Mike Komisarek anymore. It has to be better than this.

I will henceforth be referring to him as Bud Abbott. Gawd, I would rather Lebda in there than Abbott and I can't stand Lebda.

Lucky to get outta that period down only a goal after being outshot 13-4, outchanced and outplayed especially in the early going.

[Pyramid Power]

No, we can't Moe. Gotta sit Komi/Abbott for awhile. A good long while.

Kid Crosby such a class act. Just caught an interview with him at the end of the period. Looks his interviewer in the eye, and gives the best answers that he can. Didn't take a dump on Army at all, put it on himself for losing his temper when he took a penalty. Classy all the way.

AND he won us a gold medal last February! It is so bloody hard to loathe this freakin' terrorist! :)

[Pyramid Power]

Back to Abbott/Komisarek. Had a chance early in the period at a point shot, and a good chance. Penguin slides in front of him, instead of waiting for the Pen to slide by and move in for a shot or shot/pass etc... Abbott just shoots the puck at the kid's face. Unbeleafable!

Why is Ronnie playing this guy so much tonight? Didn't he see what we saw in the first period?

Too many men penalty taken. Ouch!

Goose 'em Goose. Gotta kill this.

[Pyramid Power]

Getting beat by a better team right now is the grim reality. Tough luck on the Dupuis goal, and the puck going between Kaberle's legs for the 2 on 0 and a 2-0 lead.

The Terrorist just scored again. 4-0 Pittsburgh. Ouch! What finish by Crosby on a tough pass by Kunitz. Incredible! 26 goals for the kid, and he is on pace for about 80 this year.

[Moe Green]

i come back from the airport to this. Is there a comeback chance? Of course there is.

[Pyramid Power]

Proud of the Leafs showing some heart here. Bozak scores for the shutout buster. Good fights by Komisarek sticking up for Kessel, and nice job by Rosehill against Godard.

See if we can't get another one here and make this a game. Good save against Kaberle by Fleury. Versteeg just missed. Would be great to somehow get back into this.

[moe green]

Gravovski! Is it... possible?

[Pyramid Power]

GRABBO! ROCKET! TOP CORNER. BEAUTIFUL.

4-2 with over 11 minutes to go.

GO LEAFS GO!

[TG77]

Yeah I have to agree about Komisarek. He looks like he is handling a bomb when he has the puck. It's just really disappointing that he is making so much money to basically be the worst d-man on the team and deservedly belongs in the pressbox when Dion comes back tomorrow or Saturday.

Don't look now, could be an interesting finish. As for the scraps, Goddard broke the code and two cheap punches on Rosehill there. I don't get the charging call on Rosehill either. Anyway, power play coming up. Let's make it 4-3. Oh also need to mention how annoying Pierre Mcguire (sp?) is tonight. He was saying he didnt get why Rosehill was put on there on the fly and said the Pens are quaking in their boots. Given it took 3 Pens to surround Rosey there, it seems maybe they were afraid and he got under their skin.

[Pyramid Power]

Yes, it is possible Moe. Let's go to the PP here and see if we can make this a one goal hockey game.

GO YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS GO!

[Pyramid Power]

Excellent one timer by Versteeg on the pass from Kulemin on the PP. Bad luck that didn't get to the twine.

See what the guys have in them here to get this closer.

LEAFS!

[moe green]

Win or lose the Leafs are playing well. I did miss the 2nd period though. Comeback!!!

[moe green]

Anyone else enjoying the MacKulovski line!!

[moe green]

It's still possible. Remember this is the 10-0 Pens we're dominating right now.

[moe green]

Bodes well for Thursday v Philly.

[moe green]

Pens outshot 13-1 this period!

[moe green]

Wow. Nice play be Sersteeg. Wow. If only huh.

[moe green]

K Leafs COULD afford to lose this one - so they wont! Comeback!

[Pyramid Power]

Outshot Pittsburgh 15-1 this period. Valiant effort Toronto.

Have come so very close to making this 4-3. Hoping for a miracle. 'Imagine' a tie game!

GO LEAFS GO!

[moe green]

Awe. It's okay. As long as Wilson can keep them, stoked, they'll win Thursday!

[moe green]

Not tonight. How could they have played so well this period. What did i miss in the second?

VM Replies: You missed a disastrous period. Lots of mental mistakes. Bad line changes. A two-on-nothing that resulted in a shorthanded goal for the Pens. Very little energy.

[Pyramid Power]

Great third period by Toronto. Wish they had started that way.

Get on the plane home guys, and let's beat them Flyers tomorrow who I believe won against San Jose at home tonight.

Week of Death continues. Happy to get back home with two points against Washington and Pittsburgh.

Get the black and orange tomorrow and then slaughter the Canadiens on Saturday.

LEAFS!

[Hockey Fan, therefore by Definition Not a Leaf Fan]

Gee, that was nice. Laffs tried so hard. But have no fear, their fans will give them a nice cookie for participation.

Now, 24 points in 27 games.Winning percentage of .444
Need 66 points (90 to make playoffs) in next 55 games. Need winning percentage of .600 rest of the way.

That will certainly happen, if all the Laff fans hope real hard together.
Folks, instead of cheering for them, shun them. Don't give a dime to MLSE.
That way, maybe, someday, you might actually get a hockey team.

BTW, someone asked. I cheer for the Habs. Have for over 35 years. You may heard of them. They have an organization committed to winning Stanley Cups, not selling condos.

[moe green]

Thanks for the update VM.

Yeah I kind of figured as much. Is it truly just youthful mistakes. Over exuberance? Is that Komisarek's problem as well? The "MacKulebovski" line can be so thrilling. I think they are getting better too. After you pointed it out, I do love the uber-cool goal celebrations by Kuli and Grabo. MacArthur still let's loose. Kulemin and Grabovski kind of like little micro-sedins aren't they. I dunno. Grabovski is underrated. Did they just leave it til too late this year? That's what upsets me.

I still think that a better coach would have made a difference. But i am no expert.

[Pyramid Power]

Hockey Fan Four conference finals since 1993. Your team? ONE!

I'd like to shove a cookie down your Flab throat right now to shut you the freak up!

[moe green]

Does anyone agree that this team in the third was the team of the first four games? Or is it that the vastly better teams in the last two games let up. I don't honestly know. I think while it's true that the better teams did let up, the Leafs did kick it up a gear as well. When they get in sync it sure is a beautiful thing to behold..

[moe green]

Clever post as usual VM. Know what hurts: Had they won tonight they would have been tied for 9th place.

VM Replies: Tomorrow is another day, another big game. Thanks for doing the colour with PP this evening in between driving to the airport.

[Denial]

This just in from Planet Disengagement:
In a world where Sidney Crosby is a terrorist, then I see no problem with claiming that Mike Komisarek is actually the generic old man from the Scooby Doo show, and I REQUIRE AND DOUBLE DOG DARE those brave among you, who are related to some guy who knows a guy who plays golf with a lawyer, to get tickets to a Leaf game, charge out on the ice, and rip off Mike Komisarek's mask and reveal the 98 year old man that he is.

RAGGGYYYYYY ROOOOOK ROUTTTTTTT!

VM Replies: Oh, man. You are the funniest person on Planet Disengagement.

[Kosher Guy]

Congrats Vinay. Calling Crosbie a terrorist and actually making it funny in this day and age and climate is no mean feat. Now if only the Leafs had a couple of most wanted themselves, we wouldn't be spending most of our time crying about how they play.

VM Replies: Not a great night despite the surge in the third, that's for sure.

[Hoofheartz]

Pushing 20 years for your vaunted Habnots Hockey fat. My how time flies.

[Sens-ible Bill]

Sorry Vinay, you lost me with all this talk of terrorists, and blowing stuff up, and dirty bombs and all the other fear-laden words used here. IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, I think that despite trying to make it humorous, it was not just in questionable taste, but in outright bad taste.
Yes, I found it offensive and stopped reading by the time you got to your threat meter --- didn't read any more of this blog article and didn't read the comments either.
And before anyone tells me to "Lighten up" or "It's only a joke, man," perhaps some in Leaf Nation should grow up long enough to realize that these are serious times we live in, with serious threats to innocent people. Some areas, some words, just aren't joking matters, in my book, and I imagine in the books of most people I know.
How about if in this misguided attempt at humour, the word Nazi was substituted for terrorist and instead of dirty bombs, and a picture of a nuclear explosion, there were references to concentration camps and a picture of Dachau?
You know what, sad to say, I get the feeling there are people here that might feel all that is fair game too when joking around.
I wonder if anyone here in Leaf Nation is man enough to stand up and say, "You have a point. We may have gone too far with this."
I almost stayed away when I saw the link calling Crosby a terrorist, but I had to come here hoping it was some kind of mistake.
Hey, you want to make fun of how well Crosby is playing? Why not call him a criminal, or a pornographer or a paedophile? Imagine all the fun you can have with those terms.
Vin, I don't believe you meant to be offensive. So I'm not about to launch a personal boycott of this blog. But I am disappointed.

[Moe Green]

I think if Vinay's post was about the twin towers collapsing, or the hundreds of thousands of children killed by UN sanctions in Iraq or the War Crimes in Fallujah or the torture at Abu Ghraib or the beheadings of prisoners, then you may have had a point. But you don't. Much fun was made of the over-reaction and disingenuous portrayal of terrorists and terrorism in the media. No fun was made of the suffering or of the genuine tragedy. You are overreacting. Having said that, I want to acknowledge that it did bother you and for that if I had any part in it I'm sorry. Please take the posts in the spirit in which they were intended. I can only speak for myself, but I think most of the comments show that the post was taken in the spirit it was presented. Bad taste, I don't thinks so. Wanna hear bad taste, it's the media talking about OUR casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan without ever mentioning the tens of thousands of brutalized masses over there. Anyway, glad to hear there was no boycott.

[PensFan]

As a Pens fan (by my clever and original screen name lol), I must say that I dislike the Leafs as a team, but their fans have a stunning amount of class. They definitely seem classier than most Habs fans I've seen. Toronto always seems to bring it to Pittsburgh so this win against them is good. That article was hilarious too; it's rare to see an all-in-good-fun article about Crosby from a non-Penguins fan. Hope you guys take it to Philly and take advantage of their minor slump. :D

VM Replies: Nice to hear from you, PensFan. You guys have a dazzling team -- even without Malkin and Staal.

[Brett]

I was directed here from Thepensblog, and I wanted to compliment your writing (not just this specific article). I enjoyed the read.

VM Replies: Thank you, Brett.

[PensFan]

Having posted that I dislike the Leafs as a team, I only dislike that team because they seem to give the Pens a hard time more often than not. That can get frustrating, but I still enjoy the games. :)

[KD]

Hoof, you might be right about pushing 20 years for the Habs, but our Laffs are pushing 50. I wouldn't brag.

[Hoofheartz]

No one was bragging, merely pointing out that Hab fans don't have much to shoot there mouths off about in the "what have you done for me lately" department. Unless of course them making the playoffs last year is cause for rioting.

[Robert Sebastian]

1967 1967 1967

VM Replies: I was waiting for this.

[Matt]

The Pens logo is the most ridiculous? Your logo is a leaf! Don't mess with Toronto, they'll... dry up and blow away...

VM Replies: You make a very good point, Matt.