Four vacation questions before the Leafs return tomorrow

It's hard to believe this Leafs vacation is nearly over. My God, time flies when you're not hurling profanities at your TV.

My body went into blue-and-white withdrawal sometime on Day 3. My wife and I were strolling through the lobby at Serenity Hotel in the balmy Republic of No More Losing. She was yammering on about beta-Carotene or new bunk beds for the kids – the memory is hazy – when my right eye started twitching uncontrollably.

"Are you okay?" she asked, as I clutched my face with one hand and braced myself against a marble pillar with the other.

"I'm fine," I said, trying not to blackout. "But it's been 72 hours since I've watched someone giveaway the puck or shoot high and wide on a breakaway. It's hard."

On Day 5, after dining on charred root vegetables and fried tilapia, we walked along the beach at night.

"Isn't this wonderful?" my wife asked, twirling in the sand and grabbing my hand with a coquettish grin.

"I don't really see how they're going to make the playoffs – maybe not even next year," I replied, as palm fronds swayed gently under a quarter moon.

"What?" she hissed, throwing down my hand. "We're on vacation from the Leafs! You promised!"

"Do you think Reimer is for real?" I asked. "I do. How much can the MacArthur line really be expected to do all by itself? How do we get Kessel to focus more so these weird, extended slumps eventually disappear? The poor bastard was even invisible at the All-Star game."

"I hate you!" my wife screamed.

"Listen to me," I said, whispering and grabbing her shoulders. "I feel queasy. My mouth is dry. Okay? I just need five minutes of your time. Help me answer four questions before the Leafs return on Tuesday."

"I feel sorry for you," she said. "I really do."

"One, the Dion Phaneuf trade happened exactly one year ago," I said. "Why has this blockbuster deal – which still seems so incredibly one-sided on the surface – failed to lift the Leafs? Why are they further away from a playoff spot right now than they were a year ago at this time?"

"I don't know," she said.

"Was putting the 'C' on his jersey a mistake?"

"I really don't know."

"Two, what about truculence?" I asked. "Why isn't this team as tough – and I'm talking about team toughness here – as promised this summer? Why is this team not playing like a Brian Burke team? Why do they let other teams dictate the tone and pace each night? Why do they let the other guys set the aggression levels?"

"This is pathetic," she said.

"Three, why can't this team transition for more than a period before the wheels suddenly fall off and puck support vanishes and they start creating sloppy turnovers like unpaid interns at a Pillsbury factory? The backend was supposed to be one of the best in the league. Why do we have 547 giveaways, second only to Edmonton? Why does Francois Beauchmin lead the league in giveaways? Why is Luke Schenn second? Why is Tomas Kaberle also in the Top 10?"

"You need help," she said. "You all do."

"Four, why is this team not ready to play when the puck drops? Why do they look so sleepy? The good news is the Leafs are 11-4-3 when they score first. That's a .611 winning percentage. The bad news is they have allowed the opposition to score first in 31 of 49 games this season. And when this happens, they are a horrifying .258.

"They haven't scored first in a game since January 6, when they beat St. Louis in a shootout. Is it team focus? Is it desire? Is it preparation? Is it the silent return of blue-and-white disease?"

"Are you done?" she asked.

"I just need some answers," I said. "We all do."

Comments

[Sensi-Bill]

To: Mr. Waffles
From: His friend . . . oops . . . Enemy! . . . Sensi-Bill
Re.: Promises made by Mr. Brian Burke
.
Dear sir
Let it be known that Mr. Burke never promised you a rose garden OR a spot in the playoffs this year.
In fact, he never even promised that his team, The Toronto Maple Leafs, would gain a playoff spot this year.
In future, with all due respect, would you please refrain (aka cease and desist) from spreading such misinformation, which by now you should be aware is groundless and at odds with the facts.
Yours truly,
Sensi "The Devil" Bill

[Sensi-Bill]

Vinay
I'll take a casa whatever you're drinking. (g)

VM Replies: Agave Dos Mil Blanco Grand Reserve Tequila. The bottle is blue, the memories are wiped white.

[waffles2010]

@Sensi-Bill
Sir, I had so much more respect for your wit and intelligence before you sank to the lowest and least intelligent of the barb. The play on the screen name. If this is the best you can do, I am disappointed. You are really no better than those who start sentences with, Laff fans. I am ashamed of myself for giving you more credit than you deserve.

[waffles2010]

@Sensi-Bill
Mr. Burke did indeed say the Leafs would be a playoff team. Here is the exact quote from the Toronto Star on October 4, 2010.

“If you notice, we’ve avoided any bold proclamations. They tend to get pinned up on bulletin boards,” Burke said, giving the media a decent proclamation for the bulletin board. “It’s our goal and our intention to participate in the playoffs.”

Intending to participate in the playoffs is indeed a promise to Leaf Nation. It is too bad that you were obviously oblivious to this statement. Being a Senators fan, I can hardly blame you for not knowing what you are talking about.

[moe green]

Hello all. No decent feed tonight so far. Bogus Dept of Homeland Security shut down my feeds. I do have a Panther's feed for now. Oh well. Cold here in Texas. Bone chilling. Temp could hit 17f. So what have I messed. Did the pinheads send Reimer down again? Gustavsson? Why do I still care?

VM Replies: Moe! You're back! Reimer is still up, he's back-up tonight. Kind of a quiet game so far. 2-2.

[moe green]

They will never die. Let's win 25 of 33 and nail down that playoff spot. I can feel it.

[moe green]

Thanks Vin, I am here until the Leafs seal up a playoff spot!

VM Replies: I'm going to ignore the statistical probability of what you just said and simply revel in your ongoing presence.
Also, Boo-berry will be thrilled.

[moe green]

My guess is the crowds here have diminished. What a dud of an all-star break. So sick of marketing and money deciding everything. What an empty event that I didn't watch. Nice message to Kessel and Wilson. I think they both deserved it. Kudos to the CBC for the knives!

[Sensi-Bill]

@waffles
I'm not going to apologize for having a little fun with your sceen name. I was merely entertaining myself while having to respond to baseless accusations, with a faint whiff of pettiness about them.
There was no real ill will attached to such doodling. I thought it was pretty obvious I was just goofing around but if you want to get all serious and indignant about it, well that's your prerogative.
Yours truly,
In-Sensi-Tiv-Bill
(Yeah I can be a bit of a sm*rt *rse sometime, so if on the off chance that you were legitimately offended, THEN I do apologize.)

[moe green]

I think the coach thing was a good kick in the ass for Wilson. He has spent his career kicking others. Glad he got his turn. Make no mistake, that does mean something. Burke has to know that too. Wilson would never admit it, but that has to hurt.

[moe green]

I missed that? A penalty to Toronto on the rush? Please. So anyone else think the CBC poll drove the final nail in Wilson's coffin? If not, why not?

Glad to hear the Boo's still suffering along with us!

[moe green]

So anyone else watching the Middle East? It's got all of the leaders in the region freaking. Especially Jordan, Saudis and America. It looks like it's for real. Harper has sure destroyed Canada's credibility on the world stage. I expect you guys to get rid of him. No more excuses.

[moe green]

Trolling with no results. What bait should I use?

VM Replies: At first, I thought you were referring to the band "The Middle East." They are from Australia, I believe. Beautiful, haunting songs. Worth a listen.

[Sensi-Bill]

@waffles2010
“It’s our goal and our intention to participate in the playoffs.”
OK, perhaps our understanding of the English language differs some how.
To me, "goal" and "intention" signify attempt and endeavor, not accomplishment.
Most, if not all, teams will state that what they will strive for success, as measured in gaining a berth in the playoffs. That is NOT the same as promising or guaranteeing they will achieve that goal.
I believe that had Mr. Burke wanted to promise or guarantee that the team would make the playoffs he would have said that by stating something like "We WILL make the playoffs this season.
It's a bit like me stating that my intention, my goal, my hope, is to drive to Toronto without once exceeding the speed limit. As compared to my stating that I WILL drive to Toronto without ever exceeding the speed limit.
The first is a statement of what I HOPE to achieve. The second is a statement of what I WILL achieve.
Neither can be guaranteed but only the second is a promise, or guarantee, of a specific achievement.
I am honestly interested in which interpretation of Burke's words people here agree with --- yours that with these words Burke promised the team WILL make the playoffs this season, or mine that these words don't in any way add up to an outright promise or guarantee.
By the way, thanks for providing the exact words from Burke that, to me at least, confirm he was NOT making a promise.

[Boo Who?]

Moe-velous!! As if called here by a siren's song, I arrive.

Am stuck listening to the game. Panthers just tied it 3-3. *breathes into paper bag*

[Boo Who?]

I am all alone...and there's a shootout. Halp.

[Boo Who?]

Whateva, whateva, it's cool, I got this...WE WON!! I'm going down the hall to tell a Canucks fan so that they can laugh derisively at me. Awww yeah.