Phil Kessel: First in our hearts, last in the fantasy draft

Phil Kessel was picked first in the NHL fantasy draft last night! But only if you wake up this morning and watch it backwards.

That's right. Last. He was picked... last. Our magnificent bastard lone representative at tomorrow's All-Star game is now the NHL equivalent of a clumsy nerd in grade school. Instead of donning a visor for tomorrow’s game, he may as well wear thick glasses with masking tape. I hope there's enough room on his jersey for a number, surname and the hand-scrawled "KICK ME" sign Team Lidstrom teammates are sure to slap on his back before the third period.

Man alive, that fantasy draft took me back to Grade 8 gym class.

Standing near a hastily erected volleyball net in red shorts that were three sizes too big. Wearing a fake smile that telegraphed both personal shame and a silent cry for help, like I was posing for a picture that would be mailed to potential sponsor parents.

Trying not to make eye contact with the pretty girls. Hoping the popular boys didn't decide today would be another great day to shove me into my locker or mock the picture of Greg Terrion glued to my biology binder.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting for my name to be called.

And if you substitute "Team Staal" for Team Heather, "Team Lidstrom" for Team Johnny and "Phil Kessel" for "The Skinny Guy With Black Hair, I Forget His Name," my experience usually went something like this:

1. Cam Ward (Team Staal)
2. Steven Stamkos (Team Lidstrom)
3. Alexander Ovechkin (Team Staal)
4. Duncan Keith (Team Lidstrom)
5. Daniel Sedin (Team Staal)
6. Henrik Sedin (Team Lidstrom)
7. Zdeno Chara (Team Staal)
8. Shea Weber (Team Lidstrom)
9. Rick Nash (Team Staal)
10. Tim Thomas (Team Lidstrom)
11. Henrik Lundqvist (Team Staal)
12. Daniel Briere (Team Lidstrom)
13. Marc Staal (Team Staal)
14. Dustin Byfuglien (Team Lidstrom)
15. Patrick Sharp (Team Staal)
16. Jonathan Toews (Team Lidstrom)
17.Dan Boyle (Team Staal)
18. Marc-Andre Fleury (Team Lidstrom)
19. Carey Price (Team Staal)
20. Jonas Hiller (Team Lidstrom)
21. Jeff Skinner (Team Staal)
22. Brad Richards (Team Lidstrom)
23. Kris Letang (Team Staal)
24. Keith Yandle (Team Lidstrom)
25. Claude Giroux (Team Staal)
26. Brent Burns (Team Lidstrom)
27. Erik Karlsson (Team Staal)
28. Martin Havlat (Team Lidstrom)
29. Corey Perry (Team Staal)
30. Anze Kopitar (Team Lidstrom)
31. Patrik Elias (Team Staal)
32. Matt Duchene (Team Lidstrom)
33. David Backes (Team Staal)
34. Loui Eriksson (Team Lidstrom)
35. Paul Stastny (Team Staal)
36. Phil Kessel (Team Lidstrom)

It's an awful feeling to be picked dead last by your peers. And while the All-Star game is just good fun – and Kessel was rewarded for this dubious distinction with $20,000 for the charity of his choice and a new Honda CR-Z – the fantasy draft was yet another wedgie for Leaf fans this season.

Does this mean anything? Is it a shot at Kessel? A shot at the Leafs, the city of Toronto... us?

What does it mean?

While you're thinking about this, I'll just be over here, baking a new batch of lemon squares for the weekend.

 

Never mind the popular kids, Phil! Pay no heed to their inside jokes and wild stories about the party you weren't invited to last night! Don't pull their fingers when they ask and do not take a closer look inside that garbage can!

Stay focused! Light it up tomorrow! Make us proud! Revenge...

 

PHOTO: CHRIS SEWARD/RALEIGH NEWS & OBSERVER/MCT

Comments

[Geoff Read]

Nik and Robert: just for future reference, it's actually "dimensional". I did like "dementional". I'm going to try to use that word in a lecture later today and see what happens.

[TimB]

Bloggers aside,I've heard many a Leafs fan say all Kessel needs is a centre.And will no one address the fact he is a -19???? Minus 19.He better score a shitload of goals if he is going to be a -19! Maybe he should try a toe drag.

[Boo Who?]

@ Bill - ha ha, no affiliation with real-life bone crushers of any sort. And I never apologize for having strong opinions, however unladylike that might be. But to continue with your pugilistic theme - I'm definitely a gal you'd prefer to have in your corner, so I can see why you'd be leery. :)

After all that righteous mama bear anger, Kessel does diddly-squat during the All-Star game?! Ohhhh Phil. I gave you a chance. Guess it's time to kick him back outta the den.

I cannot believe that almost a quarter of the players polled said they wouldn't want to play for Wilson. Not to get all 'tin-foil hat', but if that's the consensus around the league, how many of his own players feel that way? This depresses me. I feel depressed. *weakly swipes a weary paw*

[Robert]

@Nik. My point was you don't like my guy, I don't like yours. I was suggesting that we trade them both for someone useful! I realize from your posts you are an astute hockey person. How much of a defenceman's game is hitting? I suggest (and I am not making direct comparisons) you take a look at Nick Lindstrom's game and tell me how many hits he throws - or going back to the greatest, Bobby Orr - he was a wonderful poke checking/sweep checking defenceman, but even along the boards used his stick to get possession of the puck, more than his body. To even be able to play in Toronto with the heat that is on Kaberle, (his A ripped off and given to Beauchimen!) hows that for a slap in the head, and yet the guy still here. Phaneuf makes one hit in a game and the place goes bananas. I spend the rest of the time watching him try to catch the players who have gone by him. Kaberle may not be the final answer, he won't be here long enough. But, he would be one hell of a mentor for Aulie, Holzer and Gunnarsson who, if Burke has any sense, should all be up here next year. Who else back there can teach the puck moving skills Kaberle has?

[hoofheartz]

Hockey fan, imagine my surprise that you couldn't even type a single paragraph without making excuses for the stinking habs. I got news for ya goober, deep organizations play through the injuries and their so called fans don't start making excuses. As for hockey outside the GTA? No doubt there is, but as long as the Leafs are playing, who really gives a flying f....

[Sensi-Bill]

@Boo Who?
I've never equated having strength with being unladylike, so the "leery" thing was definitely a compliment.
And I like how online one's attractiveness is not related just to looks. Intellect and attiude get to play an important role.
Which is why you, young lady, are welcome anytime on my dance card and in my corner. (smile)

[Nik Culoman]

@ Robert....Only in Toronto is a proven 30+ goal scorer is useless...What makes that laughable is that this team is having problems scoring, has no real number one center on it....You want to trade the one guy who can score....

Kessel at 23 years old...Has a career curve much higher and longer than Kabby's......Kabby is on his down hill..While Kessel will only get better...Can you imagine that speed and potent goal scoring with a guy like Richards as his center??

(not to say the Leafs will get Richards, but can you imagine this guy on a line with a guy like Richards....Not some rookies like Bozak or Kadri???)

[Ken Chevis]

This guy hoofheartz is a piece of work. He does not believe that hockey fans who are not TML fans should sign onto this blog. I would think that anyone with an ounce of brains (that lets hh out) would welcome a civilized discourse (someone tell hh what that means) and not be so defensive about the TMLs. Adults should be able to disagree without being disagreeable.