Game 62: Bad goal bonanza

Moments after the shootout loss, another guest at the party yelled: "I'm not getting roped back into this fairy tale!"

The sheer exasperation and sincerity in his voice made me laugh into my beer.

Outside, snowflakes the size of silver dollars cascaded down in the orbital glow of streetlights. Inside the home of Star cartoonist Patrick Corrigan, friends and family gathered to celebrate his 60th birthday.

It was a grand affair – the party, not the game – that included hours of unidentifiable music, gourmet tapas, spirited conversation, rivers of wine and the vaguely unsettling sight of Patrick strolling around in a giant hat that looked suspiciously like a cake.

If not for Alex Kovalev's seeing-eye rocket in the shootout, it could have been a perfect night.

Well, not perfect, but two points instead of one better.

After Patrick's wife, Sue-Ann, wrongly accused me of turning on the game – I think it was the tall guy or maybe the guy with the beard or perhaps the young woman with the Australian accent – I tried to limit my time in the living room, where the muted action played like a silent slapstick comedy of errors.

But every now and again, I'd hear someone groan or sigh or yell or whoop and I'd tiptoe back toward the LCD flat screen to see the Leafs or Penguins celebrating yet another goal in high-definition.

So while I'm not able to provide you with any worthwhile observations the day after, I will simply provide you with 10 random observations, hockey and otherwise, based on what I heard and witnessed at the party:

1. After 18 games, James Reimer had his first shaky performance. Repeat: After 18 games, James Reimer had his first shaky performance. Me, I'm cutting him some slack, thanking him for the previous 17 games that made this race possible and looking forward to No. 19.

2. The exploration industry for precious minerals and metals may, in fact, be overrun with swindlers and pan-global criminal elements.

3. Thinking about buying a Mercedes? No, me neither. But if you do, prepare to pay a small fortune for service, especially after the major parts warranty expires.

4. Joffrey Lupul could be the most important X-factor for the Leafs down the stretch. Also, he is earning high "brooding" points from several female fans.

5. Should Toronto lobby the NHL to bring an immediate end to all Saturday night games next season? Is Hockey Night in Canada laced with bad karma since the opening theme changed? Why do the Leafs struggle on Saturday nights? Why don't people wear wrist watches any more? Who put this balled-up napkin with olive pits inside my blazer pocket? How on earth did I come home with only one sock even though I never took off my shoes?

6. Tender slices of roast beef with polenta on taco chips? Surprisingly delicious. Goat cheese followed immediately by carrot cake? Unsurprisingly disgusting.

7. When the Leafs surrender a goal with less than a minute to play in the first or second periods – or like last night, both – they almost never win.

8. There's a right way and a wrong way to do almost everything. Except panicking, losing your balance and wiping out on an icy porch after inexplicably mistaking an end table for a stray dog. There is no right way to do this.

9. Based on his expression last night, I'm starting to get a sick feeling about Clarke MacArthur's contract negotiations. Based on her expression at 10 p.m., I'm starting to think my wife secretly wants this team to fall short.

10. Watching a shootout loss with a group of charming strangers is like watching the mirror ball suddenly malfunction during its descent on New Year's Eve and get stuck at 11:59 p.m.

Profoundly disappointing.

So let's just be grateful for the point and forget this bad goal bonanza. Weird things happen in the universe when people start wearing cake hats. Sometimes, a seesaw battle ends with the good guys stuck up in the air during a snowstorm.

Onward!

The Most Important Game Of The Season™ is now less than four hours away in Atlanta, ground zero for a previous nine-goal outburst by the Leafs. So by the time we go to sleep tonight, fingers crossed, the magnificent bastards could be three points away from... you know.

How can we not stay roped inside this fairy tale?

MAIN PHOTO: VINCE TALOTTA/TORONTO STAR

Comments

[Robert]

I have read all of this. We are with out a doubt, the finest collection of freaking' nit wits of all time. Here we have a collection of recent teens making millions of dollars, and we care about them?
No, we care about the Maple Leaf Hockey Team.
We have put this team collectively in their hands. Brian and Ron to lead the charge - as always, we have the horses, let us remember its their first time together too - the energy in our forward lines needs only to be met with the energy in the defence and a system. And we shall over come. Have faith this team, this logo will come back.

[Alecia]

Thanks all! I expect the Leafs to kick some serious @$$ while I am going, I'd like to come back to good news.

@Peter - sorry. It gets more unfair, I won the money with which I paid the trip with. :)

[Sensi-Bill]

Alecia
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Have a GREAT trip, and do take care of yourself.
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Says something when you miss someone before they've even left the country. (smile)

[hoofheartz]

Are you willing to put that theory to the test Mr Bill?

[leafland'r]

Enough is enuf of Phaneuf.

VM Replies: That icing play with 12 seconds left in the third was inexplicable.

[Alecia]

Don't worry everyone. I have a Leafs bikini, I will be thinking blue and white the whole time!

[Sensi-Bill]

@hoofheartz
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"Are you willing to put that theory to the test Mr Bill?"
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Sorry Hoof, I'm a little slow tonight.
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Are you suggesting I leave the country?
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(Can one be deported from his own country for the crime of being Pompous? Or, just in case one can, perhaps I should say "allegedly" Pompous?)

[Sensi-Bill]

@Princess Mononoke
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I must confess it still feels a little odd calling such a smart and with-it lady "Princess," especially given the Disney stereotype we've all been brainwashed with since childhood.
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For some of us, that's a much longer time than others. But at least we can confirm there once was a real, live person called Disney --- Uncle Walt to my generation.
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Of course I realize the moniker Princess Mononoke comes from a much different kind of movie princess. But even here I wonder about the image, since I gather the name could be loosely translated as Spirit Princess or Monster Princess. Needless to say, I much prefer the former.
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But I digress. (Cue the chorus.) "As usual!!!"
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Anyway I saw your line --- "If you can have a porkpie hat, why not a cake hat?" --- and chuckled aloud as visions of Leo Gorcey and Ed Norton danced in my head. 
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(Fellow seniors might remember Gorcey as Terrence Aloysius "Slip" Mahoney in the Bowery Boys movies and Carney as Jackie Gleason's sidekick Ed Norton in the Honeymooners TV series. Those who may have never heard of these guys, well you missed some classic, old-fashioned humor from another era --- which sure beat Two and a Half Men all to heck, and back.)
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Anyway, PM, LOVED that line. And given the power of the Internet, perhaps if Vinnay doesn't have a picture of the cake hat, he could post a photo of either or both of these gentlemen sporting their pork-pie hats.
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And what does all this have to do with the Leafs? Nothing. It's more like a little distraction for people who may need one about now.
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You'd prefer I rehash the disappointing weekend suffered by the Leafs and their fans? I'll pass. (warm, friendly smile) <---- lest there be any confusion about my intent?

[red5]

Aw shucks Alecia, I was going to try an buy you a Creemore on Wednesday. Have fun and enjoy!

Fingers crossed on Reimer - still haven't seen him play live, and was looking forward to Wednesday.

VM - if James is out, we start the day with Bailey's (actually, you know why I will regardless) and end with Vodka. And lemon squares.

Just another bump in the road, but my seat belt is safely fastened.

I don't know, but I still think Mac will be playing on Wednesday at the ACC.

VM Replies: There is enough Baileys and vodka on my counter right now to get me through the final 19 games.

[Princess Mononoke]

Dear Sensi-Bill, the funny thing is that I am as unPrincessy a chick as you could ever meet. I play hockey, go fishing, etc... and have raised to boys alone, quite successfully. But ours is the house of testosterone. As you know, my name comes from a very famous Japanese movie called "Princess Mononoke" about a feral warrior girl who has been raised by giant wolf-gods in a primeval forest. She is one fierce mama, at one point stabbing a potential suitor in the chest just for telling her she's beautiful. The movie is one of the greatest masterpieces of Japanese animation, by "Japan's Walt Disney," Hayao Miyazaki. I highly recommend it. It's not a kid's movie at all: very violent, very beautiful.

The porkpie hat made a big comeback in my youth, as part of the ska movement!

Anyway, trade deadline day was very boring. The quote of the day, to me, was the following (I know, I know, it's so easy, but still):

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.”

“It’s not available because if you try it once your face will explode off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

[Princess Mononoke]

*"two boys."*

[Sensi-Bill]

Dear Princess
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That's what I thought. And I have already seen Princess Mononoke --- my two (grown) boys would never forgive me, had I not watched it --- and agree it is a classic in its genre.
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The ska movement came later in my long career as the Ottawa Citizen's resident music critic ---rock, pop, blues, etc. --- and I liked that kind of music as well. (Trying to recall who was the top pork-pie hat proponent of that era. Can almost see him but at this age, memory can become a touch elusive at times --- and tip-of-my-tongue-itis worse than ever.) (g)
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I think I mentioned somewhere --- I know I sure planned to --- a positive reaction to photos of you. But I believe I kept --- or planned to keep --- my compliments modest, not wanting to get stabbed in the chest. LOL
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Wow. I just had a story idea. What if a man was stabbed in the chest and his implant --- pacemaker? defibrillator? both? --- stopped the blade from delivering a fatal blow and thus saved his life? And then, in a twisted twist of fate, his implant is destroyed by the knife --- wires disconnected? --- and he dies anyway of a heart attack?
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Don't worry. My mind only works that way sometimes.
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Hmmm. Still, I think I'll date-stamp that plot idea by e-mailing it to myself, just in case. (g)
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Anyway, when calling you Princess, I promise I won't think of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or even the delightful, more modern princess in Enchanted. I won't even think of Princess Mononoke, with blood dripping from the corners of her mouth.
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No, I think I'll create my own vision, of a cute --- oops, forget I said that --- hockey-loving warrior I'll dub the Princess of Testosteroneland. (g)
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*whispers* I hope our friends (most of 'em are, I think) the Leaf fans have already moved on to newer threads as they might not like me continuing "off topic."

VM Replies: I have two 4-year-old girls. I really must insist on one rule: There shall be no mention of Snow White or Sleeping Beauty around here.
This is my escape from all of that...
Carry on.