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Coming Out Crazy



  • After 30 years as a reporter, feature writer and columnist for The Toronto Sun, Sandy is now a freelance writer, public speaker, mental health advocate and Seneca College instructor. You can learn more about Sandy here, and contact her here.

    "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light." Groucho Marx

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July 18, 2008

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Sonia

Hello Sandy,
First, a correction for IWD (International Woman's Day) is March 8 - not March 7. I know this because that is also the day my father committed suicide. The day of his death is also when I learned about IWD.
Then, a comment about treatment in the 70s and 80s for children who 'just can't stop crying' - a sign of mental instability that people did not want to explore too deeply.
For as long as I could remember, sexual abuse had been part of daily life, so going to school where sexual abuse wasn't happening was a shock. I can remember waiting for the other shoe to drop, and at school, it never did.
People in shock often break down and cry. Being too young to understand the situation (grade 2), and not having the words to describe why I was crying, I was left to sit at my desk, crying day after day. A few years later, I was sent to hospital for two weeks of testing. The doctors found nothing wrong with me, so part of their solution was that if I were to start crying, just shock me out of it with either a slap in the face or a splash of cold water.
I was later told I had depression, and having looked that word up in the dictionary, I knew I wasn't depressed. My will to live was just as strong as my conviction that something was wrong.
It took years to find the words to describe the abuse, by which time both parents had died.
Speaking the words is still not possible, so writing stories and poems (some were published in "Stress (Full) Sister (Hood)" in 2001), and a play that was performed at Thorneloe Theatre, Laurentian University, Sudbury, Ontario is the way I chose to express my feelings and emotions, which range from rage through anger and frustration to disappointment and disillusionment.
Madness comes in many colours as a coping mechanism when facing horrible circumstances. Madness is also something from which we can walk away with support from friends, and without medication.

Sandy Naiman

Hi Sonia,
How embarrassing. And I teach Women's Studies!
I confused the date of International Women's Day with another monumental date – the day my sister, Glorianne, saved my life by donating a kidney. On March 7, 1994, I had my transplant.
My kidney disease was iatrogenic. Treatment caused. The treatment? Lithium carbonate. A psychiatrist neglected to monitor my Lithium levels carefully enough. As a result, after 16 years on this drug, I almost died of acute endstage kidney failure. The transplant gave me back my life after more than two years on dialysis – lifesaving but no way to live.
More importantly, you are absolutely right when you say one can walk away from madness with support from friends, and without medication. You can. Madness is relative, different for everyone.
We each have our own madness, whether diagnosed, labelled or not.
I am unwilling at this time to risk going off my medication. I wish I could, but I can't. "Them's the breaks!" For now.
We all deal with madness in different ways, hopefully effective ways. At the same time, all of us cannot to talk or verbalize the inner murmurings our of souls, minds and hearts. Or our nightmares, either. I can, but it's a long process, peeling the layers of the onion.
Others draw or dance or write, as you powerfully do, or seek other means that may or may not be healthy. Everyone finds their own way. Or not. No one said madness was easy.
We are always evolving, if we allow ourselves to grow and learn and change.
In your courage and candour, here, you reflect several sequences from the kaleidoscope that was your madness. You have left it behind. Mine, because of the kidney disease, will always be part of my life. Three times a day, I must take pills to prevent my kidney from rejecting. Every time I swallow those pills, I remember why I lost my kidney in the first place. My manic depression diagnosis, as it was known, back then. Can never make a clean break from that, I'm afraid.
Writing is one of your gifts.
Thank you, for so intimately sharing your insights and your wisdom here!

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