I'm not God! You're not God! We all make mistakes!

We're human. Not perfect. We make mistakes. 

Even doctors aren't God. Though some think they are, or second to God. Take the infamous Dr. Joseph Biederman, the Massachusetts General Hospital child psychiatrist currently the focus of a congressional investigation into conflict of interest charges, known as the Godfather of the Bipolar Child Theory – for more on him and his "mistakes" read Furious Seasons. 

Philip Dawdy has been on Biederman's case for ages, scooping the mainstream press until quite recently, when Congress started its investigations. If you can believe it, this all-too-influential shrink recently went on the record as saying that if you're a full professor at Harvard, you rank above God! 

Yup. Medical doctors, some, can begin to believe they're God or close to it because they deal with life and death all the time. They don't yet create life – but they're working on it – and they can certainly save lives. They can also, however, make mistakes, errors in judgement, all kinds of mistakes, that can cost people their lives.

Psychiatrists are especially good at making mistakes. It's part of their stock-in-trade. How many psychiatric diagnoses have you been given? Count 'em. On the average most of us have at least four. Just because people don't admit to making mistakes, doesn't mean they don't make them. Or they don't exist. Or they didn't happen.

It's not like a mistake is "the tree that falls in the forest" when no one sees it fall or hears the crash. Does that mean the tree didn't fall? Does that mean the mistake didn't happen?

No way. Especially because mistakes usually ripple. Like a pond, when you throw a stone into it. Someone will hear the echo, feel the tremor, sense the backlash. Remember Newton's Third Law: "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Doctors and lawyers and all "experts" and "super-specialists" and even "judges" make mistakes. They're human. We're all human.

Yesterday morning, my husband and I were talking about this over our 8 a.m. coffee. We were reading in print our two favourite Sunday New York Times columnists – Frank Rich is Marty's and Maureen Dowd is mine. 

They were both writing about Barack Obama and the political crisis of his presidency right now. We were talking about Obama and some of the mistakes he's made. 

That "Special Olympics" joke was a big one for me. Huge. It didn't bother Marty as much, but he doesn't have any kind of disability whatsoever. I wear hearing aids and I'm in recovery. I have a psychiatric diagnosis. In my world, people see what they believe instead of believing what they see. Many people are blinded by their beliefs. Blinkered. 

It's not always easy. So that joke really disturbed me. 

Yes, Obama was quick to apologize. 

As the late Carnegie Mellon University computer science professor Randy Pausch said in his Last Lecture, apologies must have three parts:

"What I did was wrong. I feel badly that I hurt you. How do I make this better?" 

Obama learned an important lesson about his "slip of the tongue." Something we all do! They're thoughtless. And sometimes not so innocent. They can be cruel. They cut deep.

Tim Shriver, Chairman of the Special Olympics in his gracious televised reaction to Obama's "sincere" apology for the joke he made on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" at the expense of people with special needs said, "Words hurt. Words do matter... and this is a teachable moment." 

Let us all learn from the U.S. President's mistake.

Think about that much misinterpreted, misused, misunderstood word, stigma. You know I find it foul and confusing. Hurtful. Let this teachable moment be a wake-up call for all of us to be more respectful with the language we use when talking about people with psychiatric, mental and emotionally traumatic problems, conditions, disorders, difficulties, addictions and troubles.

Sadly, you cannot take back hurtful words once you've said them or they've slipped out. I detested that joke, but I still believe Obama is a brilliant man with enormous empathy, the potential to be a great president and to make positive changes for the greater good. Even to help repair a very badly broken economy. 

I also believe that the other half of mistake-making is to be forgiving. 

At 9 a.m., Marty turned on our favourite TV show – CBS Sunday Morning and guess what! 

Host Charles Osgood, the epitome of his name, announced "this week's cover story" – headlined "Ooops" – Make No Mistake: To Err IS Human" – all about the human bent for "getting it wrong," for "misconstruing and misinterpreting," for "misreading and confusing," for "mixing things up and miscalculating," for "assuming and blundering and omitting and miscalculating."

And why. Based on a new book, Why We Make Mistakes: How We Look Without Seeing, Forget Things in Seconds and Are All Pretty Sure We Are Way Above Average by Joseph T. Hallinan, former writer for The Wall Street Journal, Pulitzer Prize winner and past Nieman Fellow at Harvard University.

I take a different approach to mistakes. Hallinan can tell you why we all make them. A good night's sleep can help you avoid them, but we all know that sleep heals.

I'm going to muse on why we should celebrate them. 

Look up human in the dictionary. As an adjective, it means mortal, fallible, weak, frail, imperfect, vulnerable, susceptible, erring, error-prone as well as compassionate, kind, understanding, sympathetic and approachable.

Some coincidence, eh? I didn't even watch the whole segment. I'll catch it later. I just ran up here to my iMac and started writing. There is method to my madness for wanting to write about not being God and mistakes. I've made so many, lately.

At the same time, I love mistakes, even though I feel awful when I make them. I take them very seriously. I want to disappear off the face of the earth. They have enormous impact on me and on others. I try very hard to right my wrongs. I try even harder not to make the same mistake twice. 

They are the best learning tools we have. When I tell my students that, they think I'm crazy. (Of course, we know, they're right! ;-)

God doesn't make mistakes. God is perfect. That's why God is God. We cannot understand God, because that's what makes God, God. If we could understand God, we'd be God, too.

In our house, we view God in several ways. Among them, as "Good Old Dad" and as "DOG" spelled backwards.

Religion has nothing to do with it. Nada. I learned this from one of my students recently.

As for mistakes, as I mentioned, I'm an expert at mistake-making! A veritable genius at it. I have made so many mistakes, I could write an encyclopedia of mistakes.

 

Last year, I taught four classes in one day, pinch-hitting for a professor who was having surgery for cancer. I was teaching her classes – and a subject I had never taught. On the first day, I taught from 8 a.m. until after 5 p.m. My two classes and her two classes. Eight hours of teaching in one day. A first for me.

I was so exhausted at the end of the day I was a little wound up. That's my nature. I'm intense. I stormed into my Chair office. Paula Gouveia hired me – knowing all about my hypomanic "nature." I announced, "This is the worst teaching day of my entire life."

Without hesitation, she said, "No, this is the best teaching day of your entire life because you'll never forget this feeling and you've learned so much. You've learned that you can do it."

She was right. I've never forgotten that moment, that day and those feelings. Maybe I am a better teacher because of it. I'm still learning.

Paula is now Dean of Arts and Sciences at Humber College.

All I can say is, thank God for mistakes.

–––

P.S. I haven't forgotten my promise to review  Elyn R. Saks' best selling memoir The Center Cannot Hold, My Journey Through Madness (Hyperion, 2007) but as I am hardwired into news, I wanted to pick up on the timeliness of today's subject. I hope you don't think I've erred in so doing.

The Mood Disorders Association of Ontario is another great place for Peer Support. Thank you, Leslie, for Sharing the Health.

Have a great week. Speak soon!

Comments

[Sonia]

Hello Sandy,

The last few posts have been an inspiration, a breath of humour, and a sense of proportion.

Faux pas are an integral part of growing and learning. Faux pas become mistakes only when repeated, so, social graces aside, enjoy the faux pas as a lesson in "don't take life / yourself too seriously". I have trouble with this, and I keep working at it. Safe environments and compassionate listeners help with facing our mistakes / weaknesses, help with finding constructive solutions (how would I do this next time I encounter something similar?), and help with laughter.

Compassionate people can remember when they were where "we" are, we who make mistakes. God's neighbours are compassionate too. In my classes (when I was teaching at university), I presented a rubric that was humourous and compassionate:
A+ = next to God; done your work, better than expected
A = down the street from Goddess; done your work, as well as could be expected
B+ = across the "village green" from God; done your work, missed a bit
B = across town from God; done some work, room for improvement
C = on the far side of the city from God; done a bit of work, need more (organisation, details, supporting facts and sources, etc.)
D = just hearing about God, come see me in my office.

My students enjoyed this, knowing that I am spiritual rather than religious. I enjoyed this because it tied in humour with grades in my courses. The stress of making mistakes often / sometimes / usually prevents us from learning from our mistakes. As a student, I value my mistakes, and appreciate feedback. As a teacher, I try to maintain this balanced approach. Final marks are like "Last Judgment" or some such day, thus increasing the risk of mistakes, decreasing the opportunities for learning, and ruining the fun of learning. I look forward to a system (some millenia into the future) where grades / scores / marks are irrelevant, immaterial, absent.

[Leslie in Toronto]

Most welcome! I am currently experiencing another recurrence of depression, and have found this time that being open about what I am feeling has helped. This time when I felt that I was sliding into the dark, opening up and telling people was one of the first things I did so that they didn't mistake my silence and lack of communication as anything other than what it is.

Since I started to read your blog, I have come to look at myself a little bit differently and realized that there is absolutely no reason not to share what I am dealing with. So, my thanks to you too.

[Susan Bernard]

A very nice piece. Yes, President Obama made a huge mistake, but I guess I believe that "to err is human and to forgive is divine." (In fact, I'm better at erring than forgiving, but that's something I need to work on.)

But, since we in the United States had eight years of George Bush, an inappropriate joke about the Special Olympics is something I can overlook. After all, President Bush never apologized for invading Iraq without finding weapons of mass destruction.

[Sandy Naiman]

Sonia, Leslie and Susan,

You overwhelm me with your wit, wisdom, courage and kindness.

You are brave and amazing. I feel so honoured that you read "Coming Out Crazy" and contribute such invaluable insights to our dialogue and our community. I wouldn't be here, were it not for you. I learn so much from you. You inspire me.

Thank you.

E-hugs,
sln

[Granny]

"I still believe Obama is a brilliant man with enormous empathy." I have to disagree. Mocking those with special needs does not get a pass in my book. When the person doing it is highly educated and in a very powerful position, making the remark in a very public way, it is even worse. And he is lauded as an eloquent speaker to whom words are very important. There is no reason to think that he did not prepare his comment in advance. And his words are given extra weight by those who hear them. I'm told that the studio audience laughed. So he not only mocked those with special needs but caused millions others, in the studio and at home, to join with him.

I believe that this reveals a lot about his heart, and it isn't good. Remember his remark about Nancy Reagan? He displays callowness and arrogance rather than empathy. Imagine if someone else had done the same thing, say, George Bush when he was president. Can you imagine the uproar?

[Sandy Naiman]

Hi Granny,

Thank you for your very honest and candid comment. I am most grateful that you feel comfortable voicing your feelings so strongly and openly here. We are a community where everyone has a voice.

That said, I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

I believe Obama genuinely made an honest "slip of the tongue" that was not "prepared" – a mistake. Otherwise, why would he have apologized before the show aired, on Air Force One. He spoke to Tim Shriver, CEO of the Special Olympics, giving the late President John F. Kennedy's nephew a brilliant opportunity to stress how much "Words do matter. Words can hurt." Shriver's enlightened response received far more attention than Obama's unfortunate blunder.

Furthermore, I wouldn't be surprised if Obama was a little nervous going on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." I do not think these shows are rehearsed in anyway. Obama doesn't have the time. His schedule is too tight. Knowing what I know about him, now that I'm reading his memoir and having scoured his White House website specifically for the language used – and it is most respectful – I believe he is a sensitive, caring and compassionate man, capable of making a mistake. As we all are.

And this was a small mistake with huge consequences, despite the audience laughing. Why would he do that purposely? For a laugh? I don't think so.

I hope the audience learned a lesson, too. No one is perfect, not even the President of the United States. Given his history and the history of his parents' racially mixed marriage at a time when miscegenation was not as ubiquitous as it is today, I know he has enormous empathy.

He was also capable of being a little nervous. He's human. Words slip out. With a huge TV audience and the pressure on during a section of Leno's interview that was "personal" and not prepared, I forgive him completely and choose to view his mistake as a "teachable moment," to quote Shriver.

I think more people will be increasingly aware of the enormous need for taking care to show respect through our use of language with each other and especially about and with those who may not have their own strong voices – because Obama made this gaffe. He'll never do it again. Though there's no guarantee he won't make other mistakes.

Obama lives under a microscope. It's a pressure-cooker. I don't envy him. I not only empathize with him, I think his reaction, his apology, was completely appropriate. He couldn't have done better.

I respect him even more.

Thank you so much, Granny.

[Gianna]

I can tell you I felt sorry for Obama and I liked that you brought that up...

in any case I think what Obama did was stupid, very stupid, but I also don't for a minute believe that he is insensitive to those with disabilities...I don't think he's some miracle worker either as some people seem to think...I remain skeptical about what he may or may not do...

I don't think he was mocking anyone as your other readers suggests...he simply said something terribly un-PC---it is a bit shocking that he would do it--I can't conceive of something like that coming out of my mouth, but I still think he was simply being stupidly thoughtless and not mean.