Yesterday, I woke up exhausted. I neglected to take care of number one. Me!
So here's what happened.
I forgot to take my medication until 2:50 p.m. I neglected to brush my teeth all day. I didn't get dressed. I didn't brush my hair. I grabbed unhealthy food and gobbled it down without tasting it. Like a robot. Just to fill a void caused by frustration.
I was struggling with a post for this blog. Inspired by you. It was driving me crazy.
Ideas were flooding into my mind. All day. I had trouble focusing. I was hitting dead ends and desperately turning around re-routing my thinking.
This went on and on and on until 12:14 a.m. this morning, when I gave up and went to bed with a couple of 0.5 mg tablets of clonazepam – which I take only when needed. It helps calm my mind and turn off my thoughts when they're running wild.
No. I do not get depressed. I get the opposite. I get revved up. I cannot turn off my brain. I cannot stop my thoughts. Ideas in words and pictures flood my consciousness. Crazy quilts of ideas. Conflicting ideas. Picture fragments. Images. Blasting away the cerebral quiet needed to fall into sleep.
I don't have the switch that most people have when they get overtired. That's what's wrong with me. That's the root of my "mental illness" and there really isn't a name for it, other than chronic hypomania with a vulnerability to full blown mania if I don't ensure that I sleep.
Sleep is the antidote for my sanity. Everyone's really. But I cannot do it without a little help. Maybe I should learn to meditate, mindfully. But I don't have time.
That's why I'm better on medication. Including my mood stabilizer.
That's what I've learned.
I slept, dreamlessly. Deeply.
At 6:15 a.m. I was awoken by my dogs nipping at my side of the bed and wanting to be let out.
This morning, after five and a half hours of sound, deep, fast sleep, I woke up and guess what...
My mind was back.
Miraculous.
Anyway, that's the miracle, the blessing, the healing of sleep!
Go figure.
Anyway, I want you to know that I'm working on a couple of amazing posts for you. Inspired, as always, by you.
However, I need a break. So today, as it happens, while my husband is having a colonoscopy, I'm going to be spending a long overdue hour with... guess who?
DOCTOR BOB! My wondrous shrink. After spending an hour with him, always, without exception, I leave magically transformed. Always better, more calm, more at peace with myself, than when I did at the beginning of that hour.
Feeling better than when I did.
So, I'll be back tomorrow. With the post I wanted to finish and see up today. I need a break. I need to take care of myself. We all do!
This is the first and most important lesson of a life lived well.
Have a great day!
Speak soon!
sln
It's important to stick to a regular routine when you're on medication or you can really throw yourself off balance.
Posted by: Romeo Vitelli | May 12, 2009 at 01:01 PM
Thank you, dear brilliant providential Romeo!
You are so right. So generous. So good! I should know better.
I have such a problem because I love living on the edge, as close as I can get without going over. That's what Dr. Bob and I discussed today. I love stress. I love being pushed. But sometimes, there's too much stress. Then, I'm really in trouble.
Like yesterday.
Dr. Bob and I decided in our discussion that it would be a good idea for me to take one day a week off and get away from this computer. I need a break and today, I was away from here and this iMac all day, until now.
You are so so right. I will try to build more "regularity" into my life. It's essential. Especially for me. I'm on so many drugs. One for my head. (Occasionally the second for sleep, but only when needed.) And EIGHT others every day, plus a weekly injection – all for my transplanted kidney. You are so wise and so kind with this comment.
I am deeply grateful to hear from you.
Hugs to you, dear "friend"! ;–)
Posted by: Sandy Naiman | May 12, 2009 at 05:21 PM
Sandy,
You are vulnerable and wise.
Indeed I feel guilty about the restlessness, as I suspect I am to blame, though I am sure the time you are taking is creating room for the germination of new ideas and new directions.
Peace and wellness be with you as you emerge anew!
Posted by: Sophie H. | May 13, 2009 at 08:01 AM
Sophie, I confused you at first with another of my regular commenters, Sonia.
That's how stress plays out in one's life, sometimes. You don't see straight. Here is a comment that applies to you!
How on earth did you divine that you are in anyway to blame for my "crazy" and very stressful life?
Quite the contrary. You are a source of inspiration. You have given me so much to think about. Stimulation, not stress.
Don't worry.
Here's what's going on and even Dr. Bob, yesterday, said that I am handling an inordinate amount of stress but the irony is, I thrive on stress. I love living on the edge, so go figure. That's my nature.
I have a book to finish in less than three weeks.
Two courses to prepare for and create course paks for.
A blog to write twice every week for which I do endless amounts of original research (telephone interviews, etc.) that probably isn't necessary but that's me.
A house to run.
A husband to cook for – he cleans.
Two demanding dogs who need constant care.
My own health to take care of.
And too many emails that should be comments and demand my attention – answers.
Last night I received an invitation from the University of Melbourne in Australia to participate in an online panel and study on bipolar disorder and the family. I had to respond.
I am a freelance and so maintaining my house which has a mortgage is a concern. It's more than 40 years old and needs care, too.
Everyone and everything takes care.
Is that enough? For starters?
My friends, and you one, support me as I support them. I feel so honoured and blessed that we've met through this blog. I value our new friendship. Enormously. It is so remarkable, as are you! You have been most supportive, not stress-causing. You've opened up my world. Introduced me to a whole new avenue of investigation.
Lately, I've been concerned that too many people are emailing me, as you did initially, and not using these comments, which are the life blood of any blogging community. Another source of stress. Answering is very time-consuming.
I feel I'm losing touch, here! Thank God you finally weighed in with a comment here! It's always a bit scary at first, but here you are! You are a most insightful community builder and a force for change. Welcome to Coming Out Crazy and I apologize for the confusion.
Don't worry, Sophie. I'm not taking time off, though I wish I could. I had one afternoon out of the house yesterday to see Dr. Bob while my husband was having a colonoscopy. My 65-minute hour with my exquisite psychiatrist was so healing and helpful, that I left rejuvenated and refreshed.
Sadly, his affect, like a massage, wears off. That's why I'm seeing him more often from now on, for now.
Rest easy, Sophie. All kinds of exciting things have been percolating here today. You have really kick-started a new energy source. I love it! It feeds me and I hope will you, too. All of you who visit us here.
Apologies for the confusion. Sophie. Sonia.
Either way, to both of you...
Heartfelt. Mindfelt. Soulfelt. Bodyfelt....Thanks!
Always.
Hugs,
sln
Posted by: Sandy Naiman | May 13, 2009 at 12:10 PM
Hello Sophie and Sandy,
Confusions of this kind are fun ... that is how new friends are made.
Enjoy the trip to Broadway!!! Of all reasons to be gone, that is a great one. I am happy for you.
Sonia
Posted by: Sonia | May 13, 2009 at 09:46 PM
Your own candor and being able to read the words of someone who is so much like me is uplifting and a helpful recovery tool.
Posted by: ©lark Kennedy | May 15, 2009 at 09:13 PM
Sandy,
This is my first visit to your blog and I will be back. Your professional writing style is inspiring to me as a new writer. But it was your comment about your bipolar day that hit home. I know that feeling when I ignore myself for a day, or when I do something that I know will wipe me right out (such as babysitting grandchildren), that feeling of total exhaustion of both mind and body. You expressed it well. It is a nice change to hear that someone has a therapist that is helpful to them. For me that therapist is a sister. A half hour phone chat with her (she lives 15 hours away) and I am good to go, for an hour, or half a day or so.... Anyways, keep up the good work, or not. I keep a 'not to do' list sometimes. My 'to do' list causes those feelings of overwhelm, so I cross things off of the list, the list becomes shorter, and I feel better...for awhile.
Wendy Love
Posted by: Wendy Love | May 16, 2009 at 12:05 PM