Hi, Hello, Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Day...
Today, I'm doing something I always ask my students to do, but I rarely do myself, anymore.
I'm writing a reflection on October 22, 2009.
Let's just say, for once, I'm taking some time to look inside my crazy mind. Writing a review. Critiquing one day.
It is also a gift to myself. We all need to give ourselves gifts. To take care of ourselves. So let's say that today, I am sharing with you, my team, my support, my inspiration, my "friends" – the community we've become – a gift I'm giving myself.
A moment of reflection.
Yesterday was a landmark day for me. Not because it was my 61st birthday. Sixty-one isn't one of those typically landmark years ending in zero or five. It is, however, like 21, I think, a turning point because for me, it feels like I've arrived.
Aging is so interesting these days. I'm enjoying it. Another reason why I'm utterly mad. I'm enjoying liking the person I've become. It's taken 49 years of psychotherapy. This is a real milestone. I'm seeing my psychiatrist, Dr. Bob, next week for the first time in months. I think he'll be thrilled to hear this.
I didn't feel this way yesterday. Yesterday, my actual birthday, was a disaster.
But this morning, when I awoke after six hours of solid sleep, I realize that it was probably one of the most extraordinary days of my life. I just didn't know it until a day later. My timing has always been a little "off."
To begin, I didn't celebrate in any traditional sense. I worked here, until 3 a.m. on the morning of my birthday, which happens to be the day after the anniversary of my father's death. Since he died, in 2000, two months after I was married, his death and my birthday are inextricably linked.
He had perfect timing in life, too. He also managed to die the day before his kid brother's birthday. A brilliant legacy.
I had a class at 11:40 a.m., so I continued my preparation. I wanted this class to be fun, so I was giving my students a Pop Quiz to help them learn to arrive on time and to read the text. I was showing them one of my favourite National Film Board of Canada documentaries – Race is a Four Letter Word – and I was giving them a basketful of Halloween treats to sweeten the experience.
All day long, birthday messages arrived from my Facebook "friends" – an unexpected surprise I found curiously stressful. As a Facebook neophyte, what is one supposed to do? Answer all of them individually?
I tried. Time was ticking away.
My class didn't not turn out as planned, but I've learned my most difficult, challenging classes are actually my best classes. Teaching is learning. As an untrained teacher, I've learned to teach through experience. I've thrown myself into it headfirst. Learning as I go. No two classes are ever the same even if you teach the same course year in and year out.
This challenging birthday class yesterday, my first, ever, was a gift in disguise. I had to work hard after it ended to figure out how correct my mistakes – that took some complex processing, too. Especially as I break rules and engage with students on the phone if I sense they're struggling. I can't help it, but I do.
Dinner was simple. Celebration was a kiss on the back of my neck from my husband when I least expected it and a marvelous pin my sister Glorianne gave me. It says, "I've survived damn near everything."
Best of all, she wrote on her card, "You are my hero."
I thought of the title of one of my husband's plays, a line from the Old Testament, 2 Kings, 9:32.
"Who is on my side? Who?"
On March 7, 1994, the day before International Women's Day, Glorianne, my youngest sister, gave me my life back by giving me one of her kidneys.
None of this really twigged until this morning, after I had six hours of sleep the night after my birthday.
I desperately need sleep. My mind doesn't function with no sleep. I become manic so quickly, I have astounded my psychiatrists for years. Within hours sometimes. Sleeplessness is killing for me.
Yesterday, I was working on three hours of sleep. I forgot to take care of myself while being barraged with "Happy Birthday" messages.
Sleep is the greatest tranquilizer in the world.
Last night, I slept. Now, I feel clear. Calm. Less crazy.
Thank you. You gave me the most intriguing birthday of my life.
And I survived it, too.
Take care. Be well.
Speak soon!
xox
Hi,
This is me. Sandy.
Last week was one of the craziest weeks I can remember. Besides turning 61, which was inevitable, things were really wild and I did not sleep enough, as you know. So, I wasn't quite my "next to normal" self.
When I reread this post above, I wasn't happy with it. I didn't make the main point. That Glorianne is MY hero, not the other way around. I guess we are both each other's heroes.
Anyway, I received an email from someone who does not comment but often sends notes that are penetrating and insightful. This person understands me. We have a history, dating back decades.
In that vein, I want to share this note that came to me the other day and seemed to capture what I had hoped to convey but somehow failed to do.
This note says it all:
"Birthdays are always reckoning times. That's why they throw us. I was happy to hear you took some time for reflection, to truly see your blessings and to allow yourself to be a blessing too. You have come so far, you have struggled through seemingly impossible challenges. Yet, what I see in you, is still a child-like wonder. Somehow, you have preserved that rare and special gift. That's why you will remain victorious."
I would add, that every day is a new beginning and I am a morning person. It's now 10:09 a.m. and I am up and about. I've had my coffee and my breakfast. I'm cogent.
Thus far, on Monday morning, all is well with the world. Let us see how the rest of the day unfolds and heartfelt thanks to this reader and this perfect interpretation of what I tried to say in my post on Friday, when I was rushed.
Lesson learned.
I must not rush my postings.
Cheers to you all for a good week.
Hugs and speak soon!
xox
s
Posted by: Sandy Naiman | October 26, 2009 at 10:14 AM