Stresssssssssssssssss!

Until last week, I had no idea how mentally, emotionally and physically debilitating stress could be. Good stress. Bad stress. It doesn't matter. Stress is distressing.

"If you get the H1N1 virus, there is a very good chance you'll die," my kidney transplant coordinator told me on the telephone early last week. "It's so fast."

It wasn't available yet in Toronto. No one was dispensing it. 

"And the rules seem to be changing every day," she added.

Great. 

I couldn't talk my family doctor's receptionist into giving me the seasonal flu shot. At 61, I'm four years too young. 

Then I explained that I really needed to be vaccinated against H1N1 because I'm one of the high risk groups – I take three powerful immunosuppressant medications to ensure my body does not reject my transplanted kidney.

In 1991 I went into "iatrogenic" acute endstage kidney failure and lost the function of my only kidney because the psychiatrist who had treated me for 16 years for my mood disorder had neglected to monitor my Lithium levels properly. I had the kidney transplant in 1994. I have virtually no immunity to H1N1.

I made an appointment for the H1N1 vaccine. I'll have to wait until December to get the seasonal flu vaccine. This past Monday, right after my class at Seneca's Markham Campus, up in the northern end of the GTA, I jumped into my car and drove all the way downtown to Mt. Sinai Hospital.

Arriving at 2:50 p.m., I'd never seen my doctor's waiting room so crowded. All the receptionists were wearing masks. People of all ages were seated or milling around, including pregnant mothers with young children in tow. 

"We're running about 45 minutes late," my doctor's receptionist told me. "There's only one nurse and she's doing the best she can." 

Talk about stress. I couldn't wait to get out of there and within 20 minutes, I had my shot and was back outside, walking towards the underground parking garage. 

I live with a psychiatric diagnosis on the bipolar spectrum called Hypomania. In my case, it's rare and serious, but I handle it pretty well. I never get depressed, but wow, do I get high. To the point of psychosis. Mania. 

It can be frightening sometimes because I can tell when those curious little manic ideas slip into my consciousness. It takes me a minute to realize that I'm fantasizing, a little delusional. 

That's why I'm also in Recovery. I've worked so hard at processing my mind for 49 years in psychotherapy that I have spot-on "insight" that Dr. Bob admits he's rarely seen in anyone he's treated.

That doesn't mean I'm invulnerable to stress. Or that stress cannot trigger my grandiose thinking. Sleeplessness. Quirky judgement. The key is, I am prepared for it and work very hard to keep it in check.

On Friday, October 23, I had lunch with a colleague. It was my birthday lunch and we "dined" at the Flint 'n Feather, the modest dining room at the college's main campus. All during lunch, little delusional thoughts kept flickering in my mind.

"I bet she's planned a surprise birthday celebration for me... I bet the whole staff of the Faculty of English and Liberal Studies are going to burst into the dining room singing "Happy Birthday, dear Sandy... I wonder when... " This thought keep flickering in and out of my thoughts.

I couldn't concentrate on our conversation because of this intoxicating feeling that something wonderful was going to happen. 

It did.

My friend treated me to my salad and fruit!

At Seneca, a melting pot of more than 20,000 students – many from all over the world – you can sense everyone is a little on edge. More than the usual mid-term angst. It's filtering into my classrooms. This week, I've held two de-stressing sessions. Open dialogues. "Show and Tell" sessions. Opportunities for the students to "evaluate the teacher," for a change. 

Anything to help them unwind and, as my late father would say, "hang loose."

Lately, I'm not sleeping consistently. Sleep keeps me sane and stable. I'm bouncing around my mood spectrum from my normal, which is always slightly elevated to exuberant to flying around the rafters to back to my invigorating normal. 

That's why I'm seeing Dr. Bob every Wednesday for the next month. I saw him this morning.

There's so much going on. Stresssssss. I feel tingly. I have to go easy. I'm running up stairs instead of taking the escalator. I'm walking at twice my normal pace. I'm waking up two hours before the alarm goes off in the morning.

This is all stress. Good stress. Bad stress. It doesn't matter. It's debilitating. 

"Why worry when you have no information," Dr. Bob said this morning. "As soon as there's enough vaccine available so everyone can be vaccinated, things will die down. In the next few weeks. You'll feel better."

Right now, the H1N1 flu is great news story. There's an old saying about news.

"Good news is snooze news."

Too bad. We could use some good news right now. It would help ease the emotional and mental effects of this bad news story that feels more contagious than the flu.

Relax. Take a deep breath. Take good care of yourself. Sleep. Stay informed right here at Healthzone.ca.

Speak soon.

Comments

[Alexis]

As a fellow person with Bipolar I who has chronic and sever insomnia--have you tried using a light therapy box to regulate your circadian rhythms? I started using it last year during the winter, but I think I will use it year round, but will cut back on minutes used in the spring and summer. If I consistently use it, I sleep well. You have to make sure you dont' over use it since it can incite a manic episode. i use mine for 15 minutes.

And he didn't measure your lithium levels? That makes me so freaking angry for you.

http://www.officeplayground.com/Body-Parts-C64.aspx

This is an awesome site. I just ordered the heart stressball (of course) and three more tangles. I have a bit of obsession with them. They keep my hands busy under stress.

[Sandy Naiman]

Hi Alexis,

Thanks for the tip about the light therapy box. I do not have chronic and severe insomnia. Mine is stress related. Unfortunately, I'm extremely sensitive to anything that might bring on a manic episode. When the dosage of one of my three immunosuppressant drugs had to be slightly adjusted because of gum surgery last year, my mood became very labile. Risking an episode of full-blown mania – after 21 years without having one – is just too great.

Also, and this is really important. Don't be angry because of my former psychiatrist's negligence. I wrote a letter to the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons here in Ontario and as a result, he lost his job as head of psychiatry and to the best of my knowledge, he no longer dispenses medication to people. He won't do this to anyone else, ever again. That was what mattered most to me.

It happened years ago. Don't dwell on it. I don't. Anger is a toxic emotion. I'm not angry. I never really was. Just sad for the loss of my health. Anger won't bring me back my kidney. I've moved on and I'm happy with my life.

Thanks for the cool website. Great idea. I'll look into it.

Take care and thank you for writing.

Your comment and your compassion mean a great deal to me!

sln

[Sandy Naiman]

Hi!

Here's some food for thought...

Once again, a longtime friend has forwarded the following note to me. It reflects the crazy quilt of stress that's raging around the H1N1 virus and vaccine situation here in Ontario.

It is not universal.

My mother mentioned to me that in Florida, you don't hear a word about it. Yet, my friend Sonia, who's teaching in Southwest China, reports that it's a hotbed of virus outbreaks and students at her university are in isolation without textbooks, which can be contaminated. If so, they are burned.

Every jurisdiction has a different approach and is handling this situation differently.

As for me, I suggest that we just stay calm and sensible. I've made it a priority to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep each night. No matter what! It makes a difference. Sleep is healing. Restorative. Strengthening.

Anyway, here's what my friend wrote this morning. I'm sharing it with you, anonymously.

It begins:

"What a stressful week for you, on so many levels. I am glad you finally managed to get the H1N1 vaccine, I waited six and one half hours in line on Monday to get my shot at a local community centre.

"There is so much information buzzing out there, that it's a challenge for one individual to make sense of it all. Yet, the general feeling of panic is enough to keep one's nerves on edge. I decided to get the shot because of my volunteer work with the Canadian Cancer Society.

"Working with people with compromised immune systems makes me slightly more vulnerable.

"They say we are entering the second wave of the pandemic, does that mean there is a third wave? However, all reports I read say that so far, the pandemic isn't as bad as they projected. That's good news!

"Hope you are feeling slightly more sanguine today about all your struggles. Sleep is so important when you are overwhelmed, I hope you can get that under control. I have to say I always admire your courage in facing down your demons day after day. What a reservoir of fortitude you have built."

Thank you. You are an amazing community. Getting more considerate and caring all the time.

I send you all my love and wishes for good health and continued well-being.

Breathe. Keep breathing. Sometimes I find myself taking shallow little breaths. Try to remember to breathe. This was a precious reminder from my Facebook friend, Bonnie Neighbour! Thank you, Bonnie.

Be well. Take good care.

Speak soon!