Dealing with holiday stress

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. Christmas Day is two weeks from today.

For the last three or four weeks, I've been deluged with press-releases from public relations firms all over the continent offering to set up interviews for me with psychologists and other "experts" who will enlighten me – and you – about "new ways" to cope with an old story – the stress of the holidays. 

Holiday stress has become an industry, I think. As viable and real as any retail venture offering "seasonal specials" at wildly discounted rates.

I suspect the "stress of the holidays" is a media event, to some degree. 

Charles Dickens may have had a hand it, too. 

Before I go one step further, let me be straight with you. I'm Jewish. My tradition is very different. But, I confess that I have been stressed about holidays in the Jewish calendar, like Passover and the High Holidays. 

However, I do not believe I have ever had a publicist approach me and propose I interview a psychologist about Passover stress or Rosh Hashanah stress or Yom Kippur stress or Hanukkah stress. Somehow, these holidays don't seem to generate the same calibre of stress. Maybe they did and I was too young to be aware of it. Maybe stories about how to weather Hanukkah stress run in Jerusalem Post. I don't know. 

More likely, it's simply a question of demographics. And business.

In the Western world, Christmas is everywhere. Big Business. No matter what your religion, it's Christmas and it's contagious. So, it seems, is its stress.

As I think back, way back to my childhood, I don't recall any sense of stress or anything like it. Anywhere. It was a beautiful time. 

Christmas had no religious meaning for us though we knew its origins. We went to public schools and Christmas concerts were regular annual events – and great fun. I loved singing all the Christmas carols. Still do. Especially the way Diana Krall sings them.

We were taken to see Santa Claus at Eaton's downtown Toronto flagship store (below is a picture of me at age 5, in 1953), to sit on his knee and answer the question he always asked, "And what would you like for Christmas this year?"

I was precocious. A mite like the little girl Natalie Wood played in the classic 1947 Christmas film Miracle on 34th Street. I probably lectured him on why I didn't want anything for Christmas since we don't celebrate Christmas because we're Jewish. Then, I'd tell him that my parents would probably buy me some little things for Hanukkah.

Still, Christmas was utterly magical for me. We always went to see the elaborate Christmas windows at the big downtown Simpson's and Eaton's stores. Those stores are gone and I think those delightful moveable displays are long gone, too.

They're still a tradition in New York and other major U.S. cities. Selling stuff is reserved for inside some major store, to a degree during the holidays, like Lord & Taylor in New York. But not here. 

It was a tradition for us to be driven around the twinkling, glowing residential streets of my grandparents mid-town neighhourhood or ours in North Toronto after dark. Now we don't have to drive far. We've dubbed our street "'Las Vegas North." 

And, of course, there was The Santa Claus Parade. 

We had holidays from school. All this often coincided, depending on the lunar Jewish calendar, with Hanukkah, which had its own lovely traditions and delicious foods – like potato latkes smothered in apple sauce or sour cream. Lighting the Menorah every night for eight nights and singing the Hebrew blessings. Playing the game of Driedel, which I have never understood and still don't, with gold-foil wrapped chocolate coins, that you could eat whether you won or lost.

I remember the early days of television. My grandparents had one. I was born in October 1948. Mass marketing and advertising were in their infancy. We weren't commercialized at the age of two and three like the phenomenon of Consuming Kids today. We also weren't as sophisticated and knowledgeable either. 

I don't want to sound like an old fogey bemoaning "the good old days," but I feel sad that these holidays, which should be happy, are somehow so stress-laden.

My friend, Tufts University clinical psychiatrist Ron Pies calls them the Holiday Blues, With Some Shades of Grey in an excellent post on PsychCentral about the myths and realities of suicide and depression at this time of year, too.

So, I plan to muse about The Holidays over the next little while. Not in every post. Not all the time. It may be a cathartic activity for us. Therapeutic, perhaps. Mentally healthy.

I want to open a forum for you. Come and share some of your warmest memories of this season, no matter how you celebrate – even if you escape to the south, where Christmas is snowless and sunny, but still Christmas! 

Let us turn "Coming Out Crazy" into a place of respite from the stress of the season. Come and vent if you wish, if that will make you feel better. It's open season during the holiday season here this year.

You know me. Ever the cockeyed optimist, even as I face mountains of essay marking. I'll find some hummable seasonal music to keep me company. 

And tomorrow night, we have our annual family Hanukkah party. Mmmmmmm. I can taste those latkes!

Comments

[Josh]

You make me think of christmas myself as a child and in a way it makes one feel kind of sad that christmas has become a commercial holiday like something out of the back pocket of Hallmark.

When I was a kid (born in 1983, was an 80s child) I grew up in that world of commercial marketing when it started to bloom. I grew up with G.I. Joe, transformers, he-man. All the popular kids cartoons that had all the toys and lunch boxes etc.

Sure my parents spoiled us as kids we all kinds of toys, but we always had family time and we had rituals we do. As kids we always put out cookies for santa and as we grew older we found out eventually who ate them whether it was dad or mom, but it was a fun thing to do still even if you know who santa was by age 8 or 10.

We always decorated the christmas tree as a family which was fun as you would remember xmas ornaments from when you were like 2 and it was like something you made in kindergarten which is like a lump of playdoh etc but brings back memories. Or my dad's work xmas parties where you'd go skating, make crafts and drink hot chocolate and have fun with other kids you knew from school.

We always did the traditional family dinner as well with all the fixings and what not.

It just seems these days though that as we all grow older we stem away from things that make christmas fun and exciting and sometimes make you anxious (although its not that bad anxiety of shopping) like when you were a kid and couldn't wait till xmas morning to open gifts and have eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast which always so good.

It has been a rough year for people in the Thunder Bay District, most people where I live are layed off from the big lay off of all the people at Terrace Bay Pulp. So people are more worried about expenses and there jobs and there future. Christmas spirit is kind of down. I've noticed even in my house, this year my dad put the tree up and decorated it all on his own because he likes to keep busy. My mom has been depressed even though she won't admit it you can tell she misses us being kids and she says "It was easier to buy you things at christmas when you we're kids.".

I understand that but I still enjoy opening gifts from my parents are there things I usually can always use there always useful things unlike my staff xmas parties i've been to. My brother is also hard to shop for being he lives in the state of new york and flies home for xmas every year if he can. I dunno I just feel like christmas has become another corperate loop hole. It's all about sales and rushing around shopping. So much stress as you put it.

I get a lot of my anxiety from my mother, I know that. She is a worrier. She worries about everything from presents, to decorating the tree, to cooking xmas dinner. She's always so stressed about xmas. I don't know why, really I just take it all in stride and just flow through it like i'm skating on ice.

Buying gifts isn't hard if all else fails get gift cards. Decorating the tree is easy as well put stuff on the tree until you think it looks right. Cooking dinner, cook the turkey the night before and then make everything else next day.

Christmas always has it's other stressers as well when it comes to family getting together as the aunts, uncles, grandkids etc get together. There is always the odd family squabble about something and it's usually something very rediculous.

That's pretty much my christmas in a nutshell really. Most stress and anxiety comes from my parents, so moving out was pretty much the best christmas gift I got this year even if it came in September which is quite early. That and a new dyson vaccum to clean my apartment with ;p

[Kate]

My Christmas memories from my childhood are nothing short of magical. However as an adult this season has always been hard on me (due to my mood disorder) but this year I am healthy and happy and celebrating many things.

For one it’s Christmas and I am sharing it with my family. My mother died a few years ago but my father is alive and a cancer survivor so I am so very lucky to still have him in my life and every moment with him is precious to me.

I am also celebrating Hanukkah and have taken my menorah out. And I am celebrating my graduation from college- the culmination of one of the best years of my life!

I am proud of my achievements (a foreign feeling for me, but a nice one!) and happy that I have been so well since getting help for my mood disorder. I’ve fought hard and am happier than I have ever been and most of the people I love are still on the planet. It doesn’t get any better than that.

Life is good. Celebrate.

[Carole Davis]

Christmas has always been a biggie for my family and I have been able to deal with the stress issue by baking bread. You would be amazed at the therapeutic value in kneading dough for 30 minutes. This year is different. My daughter was severely beaten by her husband in April and is in a shelter. Her husband was killed in a car accident in September so she is now a young widow with a 2 year old and is on social assistance. Her husbands mother has been considered as much a threat to her as he was and has threatened her life. My main goal is making a good Christmas for my daughter and granddaughter with next to no cash. They are staying with us for most of the month in a small apartment. What it comes down to is:we have a place to live, we have food on the table (sometimes only eggs and potatoes but we have food) and we have a wonderful little girl with us to remind us that the small things mean the most. The paper chain we made together is the prettiest decoration I have this year and has a place on honor in the window. I still feel the worry and the stress but try to teach my daughter that coping is also a victory. Just writing this helps. Thanks for the opportunity.

[Sandy Naiman]

Dear Josh, Kate and Carole,

I want to respond to each of you, but tonight is our Hanukkah party and I'm cooking.

Please know that I am very touched by your messages and I have some thoughts about what you have shared, but I cannot write right now.

Tomorrow, I will. Promise. I'm thinking of you.

Until then, have a good, safe and peaceful meantime.

sln

[Sandy Naiman]

Hi Josh,

Wow, what a rich reminiscence. So many memories. Your comment illustrates how much we change with time – all the time and have to, because life today is so fast – how we never stand still, how we're always moving because we change, our environment is changing constantly, everything is always in flux. Some of those changes are extraordinarily challenging, too. What world we are living in. Major stress to cope with and not easy. You illustrate that very well.

At the same time, you have also illustrated how resilient you have grown to be and resilience is a key life strategy in our world, no matter where you live. It's the 21st Century's major coping strategy. You seem to have mastered it. Bravo!

Although, you cannot afford to sit on your laurels. You have to keep working at it all the time, too!

You deserve to feel good about yourself and should be pleased by your self-assessment and your realism.

I'm impressed with your ability to stay positive and in the present, where you have lots of reasons, as you say, to feel proud because you've developed so many good, solid strategies for healthy living, no matter what season, holiday or time of year you're "in" ~ at the moment.

Good for you and thank you for your candour. For sharing. Very generous and very courageous.

Cheers and enjoy today, whatever "day" it is!

sln

[Sandy Naiman]

Hi Kate,

It's wonderful to see that you have so much to celebrate this year and that you're going "bi-coastal" (hee, hee) by celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah plus your college graduation. You're a Three-Time Winner!

Getting help for your mood disorder, no matter what form that takes, as long it's helping YOU is the best news of all. Stay proud. Get used to that lovely feeling. You deserve all the happiness and pride of achievement you're feeling.

Mazel Tov! Enjoy. Happy Holidays ~ and Happy 2010 and many more years to come.

Thank you for sharing your joy with us. You know? It's contagious. As contagious as stress, but the difference is, it feels so good. Soooooo gooooood!

Hugs,
sln

[Sandy Naiman]

My dear, dear Carole...

I am so thrilled that you were able to write to us here at "Coming Out Crazy" and to join our community. You mentioned that "just writing this helps" and that's very profound.

Writing, when it's too difficult to say the words, is therapeutic and cathartic. This Christmas, you are experiencing enormous upheaval in your life with what has happened to your daughter and your granddaughter.

Perhaps a session of bread making – the three of you together – or cookie making or baking would be a nice, warm and reassuring activity for you. The sweet smells and tastes of shortbread or gingerbread (as well as the kind of bread that involves kneading) can be comforting. A fun, family activity ~ besides the lovely homey decorations you and your "girls" are creating to decorate your apartment for the holidays.

When it comes to this time of year, it's so easy to be drawn into "commercialism" and what happens? The "spirit" of the holiday is often drowned out or overlooked. Good will, family closeness, sharing moments together, making new beginnings, peace, good will ~ without losing sight of the realism of the moment.

I guess that's the key.

To find "the moments" of joy and live in them. Stay with them as long as you can. Singing carols together, watching "classic" Christmas movies together. All the "small things" your granddaughter symbolizes are actually enormous. More vital and important than the losses.

Be wise, too. There are supports if you need them. Don't be afraid to call for help. Domestic abuse, even from a former mother-in-law, is under the guise of the police. If you feel threatened, you can always pick up a phone. Don't allow yourself to be alone. Find supports wherever you can.

If you possibly can, try to redefine what a "good Christmas" really means to you by thinking of the values of this season, not the "stuff" you may not be able to afford to buy.

Emotional memories are very powerful and tend to be more permanent than material things. You can choose to focus, as you seem to be doing, on stressing (excuse the pun!) and re-programming the positives for your family. It's not easy. The world conspires against you. The massive media is pervasive.

You seem to be well on your way. You comment, despite the tragedy and brutality of what has happened in your family, seems grounded in faith. I sense that.

And, at the end of the day, when you put your family to bed at night, you know that you're helping them, nurturing them, mothering and grandmothering them as only you can do.

Keep writing, Kate.

I want to hear how you're doing. Not just today. Not just at Christmas. Not just at New Year's. Always. That's what this community is all about... to be there for you. Listening to your words.

Keep writing. You can right so many wrongs by your writing.

Hugs to you and yours and good wishes for a meaningful Christmas.

Cheers,
sln

[Kate]

Sandy- thanks so much for your lovely comments, so touching.
Happy 2010 to you also and keep on writing your blog!!!
I find it so very uplifting :-)

[Tammy MacKenzie]

Christmas has always been about family. I remember few of the gifts I received as a child, more of the family gathered for the holidays. The little rituals, like opening the stockings in the morning, then having breakfast before opening the gifts under the tree. Dressing for dinner, whether it was the 5 of us, or 25. When we spent Christmas at relatives', it meant travelling, but it also meant seeing all of my Mom's family. Christmas Eve, when the youngest was escorted to bed with everyone holding candles and singing carols. The inexpensive x-gift exchange in the afternoon, when everyone took turns trying to guess what the gift from their "secret Santa" was from the poem or clue written on the package. As we got older, everyone taking turns late on Christmas Eve to sneak into the living room to deposit gifts and fill stockings - it was never about the presents, always about the fun. But still, watching someone open a gift you have given, in anticipation of their enjoyment.
ALways, I recall, many gifts were clothes, and games the whole family could play together, and one "special" gift perhaps.

Today, we are all grown and seperated by distance.
Christmas is now a time I spend with my daughter. Lean times. There are have been many years that, but for the Salvation Army and kind friends, there would have been little for my daughter uder the tree. It's a tough time for me, too - PTSD can and does kick in; trying to make a happy holiday for my daughter all alone; feeling outside of my sisters' get-togethers as I am unable to buy gifts, or afford the cost of travelling to visit them...

With so much stress around the holidays, it seems people are enjoying the moment less and suffering a big letdown afterward.
Feeling cheated, depressed, dazed, lonely. With the following months bringing cold, darkness, quiet, bills...
The holidays should be a time of warm memories with a lasting afterglow that carries us through those following months!
Looking around at the stress, busy-ness and commercialism that accompanies this time, I have felt saddened at what we have lost - the joy of family time, simple pleasures, and thankfulness for the year past and new year ahead.
I have made a conscious choice to step out of it, and try to teach my child to appreciate the true gifts of the season: the people we love, the joy of giving, all the things to be grateful for...
We started our own tradition a few years ago: the weekend before Christmas, we have a open house and invite friends and family to come by for an hour, the afternoon, or the entire day, as they please. No dressing up, come as you are, bring something if you wish but please, bring yourself! I do what I can to have the house neat and clean, plan food and activities, but in the end, I don't stress about it - it's about people visiting, having a chance to relax and take a break, sit quietly or have some fun. If I don't get the laundry put away or mudroom decuttered, well it can be shoved into garbage bags and tossed in my bedroom until tomorrow. If I don't get an activity organized, the kids can watch a movie or play outside in the snow, string popcorn for the tree... there's a fire after dark, and a few cheap fireworks. No formal dinner, just a variety of food available that people can help themselves to when they are hungry. When people leave they are asked to choose a gift from the basket, just small little items we have made or collected over the year, something to thank them for coming and sharing themselves with us.

The rest of the holiday is time for my daughter and I, to catch up with friends, hobbies, and have fun together, making crafts, learning to bake something, playing games.

I wish you, Sandy, and everyone else who comes here, a happy holiday season, with warm memories in the making. And for those who find it a hard time, I hope you can find some way that is uniquely your own, to reclaim a little magic or create a special memory.

xo Tammy

[Wes Austin]

I have always found Christmas season very stressful. My mother drinks and Christmas had to be PERFECT. My memories are filled with tension and the walking on eggshells feeling.

Now I have a 4 year old son of my own, and I'm trying very hard to build new and better memories.

It's a long, hard road

[Sandy Naiman]

Hi Tammy and Wes,

Thank you both for your memories and your candour. Consider this a "courtesy comment" from me, a little note to let you know I've read both your reflections and you're on my mind. Soon, I will take a break from my rather stressful task of the moment and answer you both appropriately.

I want you to know, however, that you're not forgotten. You're on my radar screen and in my thoughts.

Take good care and remember, "old records" do not have to play at this time of year. You can put something new on the phonograph or stereo or CD player or DVD in your mind. You can re-program the playlist in your head and heart.

I do it every year, as I grow and learn and evolve. It's a process. It takes small steps. And you know what? The longer I do it, the easier it becomes and the more I like the new music.

You might, too! Try it.

Anything is possible!

Cheers and I'll be back to you soon.

sln