The gifts of giving back...

In my early adolescence, I remember struggling to learn to play George Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" on the piano. How perfect for a budding manic-depressive, years before psychiatrists branded me that way. Back then, my diagnosis was schizophrenia, though I didn't know it. Nor did my family. 

OBSESSED WITH "RHAPSODY IN BLUE"

I was different. And difficult. Histrionic. My nickname was Sarah Bernhardt. I was also taking drama classes, then. My mother considered drama to be a "good outlet" for me, and those classes kindled a lifelong love of the theatre.

But at home, I was obsessed with "Rhapsody in Blue." Mysteriously it whispered to me, deep down. I couldn't explain it. I tingled with exhilaration. Its manic rhythms resonated emotionally. Not rationally or intellectually or verbally. It calmed and excited me simultaneously. Not only listening to our Oscar Levant recording with Paul Whiteman and His Orchestra – but attempting to play this complicated jazz concerto on the piano, myself. 

I have no musical talent whatsoever, but my persistent pounding on the keyboard of our baby grand demanded concentration and focus. It transported me far from my anxieties at that time. Was I making music? I wouldn't call it that, but whatever I was doing was transforming. Tranquilizing. For me.

I felt a little guilty about the way I was mangling Gershwin's masterpiece. He was probably twirling in his grave, but that didn't seem to matter because his music and my attempt at playing it were magical. It had to be therapeutic, though this was years before music therapy was as prevalent as it is today. It felt good. Liberating. It was a healthier emotional release than my acting out.

Until someone in my family, driven mad by my painful practising, demanded I stop. I did. My lessons were stopped, too, I'm sad to say, though I never lost my love of Gershwin and his music.

THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWER OF MUSIC AND THE ARTS

I was very lucky. My parents were vigilant. My mother could see early on that I was struggling in school and needed other more artistic outlets beyond what was offered there. Not all kids are so blessed.

That's why am I talking about the transformative power of music and the arts.

Last Thursday evening, I attended the Annual General Meeting of the Cabbagetown Community Arts Centre where I was elected to the volunteer board. I'm so excited about this. 

For me, helping this small, grassroots organization in any way I can, transports me back to my youth and, in a curious way, to my unfinished performance of Gershwin's piano concerto. 

The CCAC was founded in 1979 by a local Cabbagetown resident, the late David Blackmore, to offer arts programming to children in nearby Regent Park. In 1985, it became a registered charity and now serves all Toronto inner city children. 

"The bulk of our children come from single parent families earning incomes of less than $20,000 per year," CCAC Board President Peggy Weir said. "They have to register with us and we have a sliding scale of fees." 

Individual lessons are offered in instrumental music, and classes in vocal music, drama, visual arts, photography and karate. Homework tutouring is available, as well as pre-school art, reading circles and creative movement classes for moms and tots.

"We focus on individual music lessons and we have qualified teachers who are more than role models and mentors. For many of our children, meeting with their music teacher is the only chance they have each week to engage with an adult, one on one," Weir said. 

 AN OASIS OF LEARNING WHERE CHILDREN ACQUIRE AN EXTRAORDINARY SENSE OF SELF

"Our vision," according to a one-page overview of the CCAC's mandate, "is to be an oasis of learning where children acquire an extraordinary sense of self, of a world where all children and young people have a sense of belonging and are loved and valued. A world where they can fulfill their potential, shape their destiny and experience the joy of life."

Its mission is to do this by "providing them with arts and music lessons focused on building character, discipline and skill."

One woman at the meeting, clearly passionate about the work of the CCAC, sent her son there when he was a child. She talked about how she used to clean the Centre to earn extra money so she could take him to concerts to "see and hear" the music he was learning, being played by the Toronto Symphony or other professional musicians.

Though he's now 29, he did not follow his musical muse professionally, his mother reported. Instead, he became a medical doctor and he's now studying in Florida.

"But he went through the University of Toronto," she said, stressing that the values, skills, disciplines of his musical training and the sense of community at the CCAC equipped him to carry on with his higher education. It changed the course of his life.

Other students have gone on to study music at the Royal Conservatory of Music and funds raised by the CCAC can cover the costs of their entrance examinations. 

MUSIC MAKES EVERYONE FEEL GOOD

"There are oodles of studies showing that studying the arts, particularly music, promotes learning," Weir said.

"Children who take music lessons often become quite enamoured and end up practicing. We give them instruments to take home – violins and keyboards. They have the responsibility of taking care of them. Also, if you're practicing, you're less likely to be hanging out at the corner with friends who may be offering you illegal substances."

Weir has been involved actively with the CCAC for six years and has lived in Cabbagetown for 25 years. 

"I know this community and through my personal experience, I know that music is the great leveler," she said. "It doesn't matter where you come from, it's the international language. I moved to Canada from Brussels. Listening to music or playing an instrument, it no longer matters what language you speak or what your dad does or where you live. It makes everyone feel good. It lifts you up and takes you out of whatever closet you find yourself in."

My music making days are long gone and with my hearing loss, even listening to music is not what it used to be, but I have another source of pleasure that's even more rewarding.

Volunteering. I grew up with a mother who was always active in the community and I've been volunteering for years.  

GETTING OUT INTO THE COMMUNITY AND GIVING A HELPING HAND

There's tons of research proving how volunteering is beneficial for your physical and mental health. I believe in preventative health. Who knows what problems the CCAC may be preventing down the road for its children?

And everybody has something to give. 

That's why I'm so thrilled about joining the CCAC board. Meetings take place in the centre, a newly renovated, brightly-lit space in an old red brick house on Parliament Street. During our meetings, which take place there, we can watch young people bustling to and from their classes. 

You have no idea how exciting it is to watch how your efforts are transforming lives right before your eyes. I can't wait for the Spring Recital.

Not long ago, I met a woman who was struggling with depression. She decided to drive patients to and from their chemotherapy treatments for the Canadian Cancer Society. Her mother had died of cancer and she found that a meaningful way to give back. She admitted that it made her feel better. 

"I still have my dark days, but it gets me out and out of myself," she said.

You cannot buy these gifts of time and care that you're giving. No store carries them. They are priceless. As priceless and rewarding as the way giving them makes you feel.

Angela's news and "Words on the Wall"...

"I'm confused," Angela said at the outset of our conversation last evening at 7:56 p.m. "Really confused."

She sounded groggy and sluggish. I hadn't heard quite this sound before. Her affect wasn't flat. She did not sound in the least depressed, but she didn't have the bounce in her voice I have come to expect lately. 

Angela had her third bilateral electroconvulsive therapy treatment 12 hours earlier – her 15th over the last eight weeks. Her first 12 were unilateral. This coming Monday, she will begin the final stretch of her 12-week treatment course.

"I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHY I WAS HAVING ECT"

"I came out of the anesthesia this morning and I couldn't remember why I was having ECT and I'm still foggy," she said. "I had to do some stuff on the computer and I couldn't remember how. Eventually it came back though..."

"I bought a motorcycle today," she announced, voice sounding a little more cheery. She had been looking at one for over a week. Last summer, her motorcycle was stolen and she's wanted to replace it ever since, but she hasn't been able to move on that decision until now.

She informed me that she did not have her customary afternoon post-ECT nap yesterday, either. 

Instead, she spent the whole day "doing things I had to accomplish," which included spending $16,000 on this new 2009 motorcycle.

"I spent money I don't entirely have," she said. "My mother is lending me $5,000, but when I talked to her about it earlier today, I couldn't really have a conversation with her, I was so confused. This evening, we talked again and I was feeling a little better."

I cut our conversation short. Clearly, she needed sleep. I sensed it and we discussed it. She admitted she was tired and going to bed right after she hung up the phone.

THIS MORNING SHE SOUNDED REFRESHED

At 10:42 a.m. this morning, she sounded like a different person when she answered the phone – refreshed, alert and bright as the day. It's sunny and will reach 18 degrees Celsius. 

"I'm much less confused, though some things are not back yet," she admitted. "I've only been up for about an hour and a half."

We talked about how she learned an important lesson, yesterday, about her need for a nap after her ECT that seems to "scramble my brain." Sleeps seems to unscramble it. 

SLEEP UNSCRAMBLES HER BRAIN AFTER ECT

Sleep heals. We chatted about it and she admitted that having a nap when she can fall asleep on the afternoons after her ECT treatments "may be an answer." 

She was giggling and laughing a lot during our talk. She reported that she was feeling "not too bad" – generally "normal" about her mood and life in general, with "not a lot of plans for the day." 

Usually, Angela sees her psychiatrist on Friday mornings, but today, her psychiatrist is attending a conference.

"I'm not nearly as confused as I was last night, not by a long shot," she said. "I'm feeling much better and my memories are coming back. It just takes a little time, which can be frustrating."

*   *   *   *   *

HONOURING THE MEMORIES OF PSYCHIATRIC PATIENTS PAST

About four weeks ago, Geoffrey Reaume sent me a note about an upcoming, intriguing and creative-sounding artistic initiative called "Words on the Wall" ~ a fundraiser for plaques for the 19th Century Patient-Built Wall.

Geoff and I go back quite a few years. I've interviewed him several times on a variety of topics related to the history of psychiatric treatment of "inmates" at the former Provincial Lunatic Asylum, now the site of the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) at 1001 Queen Street West. 

He is not only a "psychiatric consumer survivor" himself – and flourishing in his recovery, I might add – but also he is the author of Remembrance of Patients Past: Patient Life at the Toronto Hospital for the Insane, 1870-1940. 

This is fascinating and at times alarming history. Geoff is a dedicated and passionate advocate of honouring the memories of the patients who built this wall. He is the driving force of The Psychiatric Survivor Archives who freely and quite regularly shares his expertise and the stories behind the bricks for for people who wish to tour the wall with him.

And finally, Geoff is a York University assistant professor who teaches and researches in the area of disability studies and one of his courses is called Mad People's History. 

BUILD A BRICK WORK OF ART AND HELP PUT "WORDS ON THE WALL"

Now that I've given you Geoffrey's history, here's why he contacted me. 

On April 21 at the Gladstone Hotel, this special "Words on the Wall" event will be held in conjunction with This is Not a Reading Series.

You can take part. The Psychiatric Survivor Archives of Toronto is giving out bricks to serve as the basis for a work of art – possibly yours. Artists and groups, anyone, really, can use a medium of their choice to decorate or create an original brick-based work of art that will be sold by silent auction that night. The evening will raise funds for historic plaques to commemorate the history of the patient-built wall.

That evening, Geoff will also lead one of his engaging tours of "the wall," followed by a relaunch of the 2nd edition of his book, Remembrance of Patients Past. This evening will wind up with the silent auction.

The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, April 7 and to request a brick or for more information, email psychsurvivorarchives@gmail.com or phone 416-661-9975 or 416-809-1013.

WE MUST KEEP CHALLENGING DISCRIMINATION THOUGH EDUCATION

This is a universally significant event, I think, because we must never forget where we've come from, how important and vital our history is and how much work needs to be done to publicly educate everyone, young and old, about psychiatric issues past and present.

Without emotional health and well-being, we have nothing. 

We must challenge and keep challenging discrimination – through education.

We are the best experts. We all can raise our voices. We need to be heard. 

Angela's progress ...

Hi there.

I'm back! How are you?

You have no idea how much I've missed you. So much has happened over the last week – my Reading Week. There were times I ached to sit down here at my trusty iMac and write to you – what a relief it would have been to interrupt the monotony of "marking midterms," but I needed a break.

I've continued speaking with Angela daily over the last 13 days even though I've not been posting about her progress. I take notes. I have an Angela journal.

She's had a few little ups and downs but nothing dramatic – with one exception – and this would definitely qualify as an "up"... she's sleeping well. Better than she's slept in years. 

Angela is athletic. She loves to snowboard. Watching hockey is one of her passions. You know where she is every Saturday night and could safely bet money on it. It's a good thing she doesn't have her Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments on Saturdays.

On a few occasions, over the last week and during the Olympic Hockey matches, she slept through the games. 

And she wasn't upset about it.

Once, she said she went to sleep "to escape my mind," a curious phrase. When I asked her why, she mentioned some long running personal concerns, matters of everyday living that no ECT treatment can or ever has been able to resolve. The stuff that can turn a good day sour for anyone. The stresses that wear you down emotionally.

ECT IS GRADUALLY TRANSFORMING HER OUTLOOK ON LIFE

These issues are not the cause of her drug-resistant clinical depression. They could be filed in a drawer called "Life Sucks" and we all have those drawers. Sometimes, I think unhappiness is confused with depression. Both can be exhausting and stressful, but for Angela, her ECT is gradually transforming her outlook on life. Brightening it. Refreshing her mind. Buoying her on so she can better handle the real consequential issues in her life.

Not just those "Life Sucks" issues, but even tougher stuff. 

SLEEP HEALS

Sleep, as I've often said, heals. So it is, often, for Angela. She's an early riser and not only on the two days a week when she must awaken at 6 a.m. to be at the University Health Network at 7 a.m., hopefully to be the first in line to receive her ECT treatment, which she prefers.

Since she began her eight or possibly 12 weeks of bi-weekly ECT treatments on Monday, January 25, she's has changed dramatically, although it's a slow and steady transformation and she's not entirely aware of it. These posts have become a mirror for her.

It's blatantly obvious to me that she's joking and laughing more these days than I've ever known her to do – and we've known each other for years. When I called last night, she was watching the Toronto-Boston Hockey Game and not sleeping.

"It's tied right now," she said, sounding anxious to get off the phone. I let her go back to her passion. Three months ago, Angela felt no passion for anything. She complained constantly of feeling "flat" or "feeling nothing" or "being blah." She was immobilized by her severe depression.

Last night, her gusto for the game she loves seemed a significant benchmark in the headway she's making.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SEEM LIKE A THING OF THE PAST – FOR NOW

After 12 treatments, her suicidal thoughts seem a thing of the past. She hasn't mentioned them in several weeks. This doesn't mean she is perfectly recovered. ECT doesn't purport to solve all your problems and cannot. She knows this. She sees her psychiatrist twice a week. She takes all her medications.

She also knows that she may need follow-up weekly or semi-monthly treatments when this current treatment course finishes because ECT is not permanent. Depression can be cyclical. So she may need ECT on an ongoing basis or every three or four or more months. But it should keep her suicidal thoughts at bay and help her function better than she has in years.

ECT IS NO ONE SHOT DEAL

No responsible, knowledgeable and experienced psychiatrist who routinely administers ECT would ever suggest that ECT is a one-time only treatment course. For some people, not all, it's not. 

Like medication, it may have to be part of an ongoing treatment protocol for mood stability. (Like the Tegretol that I take twice a day for my mania. I've been taking it for 22 years. It's one of my major recovery tools.) Any follow-up ECT regime, its schedule, differs depending on each individual ~ as does everything in life, it seems. 

Since her first course of ECT treatments in 2001, Kitty Dukakis has follow-up "sets of ECT treatments," on average, every seven or eight months, when her depression returns. The wife of Michael Dukakis, former Massachusetts governor and 1988 Democratic Presidential candidate, bravely and with brutal, visceral honesty writes about her ECT experiences in Shock – The Healing Power of Electroconvulsive Therapy. It ended her lifelong struggle not only with severe drug-resistant depression, but with her alcohol and amphetamine addictions that masked it for years.

HER MEMORY HAS STAYED PERFECTLY INTACT

Angela is now in Week Seven of her treatment course. It may end next week or continue for four more weeks. She doesn't know. So far, her memory has stayed perfectly intact. Sometimes, like this past Monday morning, 90 minutes after treatment, when I called her from Seneca, she sounded groggy.

It was 10:30 a.m. "What day is it?" she asked.

She had been sleeping and my call woke her.

"It's Monday and I'll call you later."

Let's be honest. Don't you find that sometimes, it you take a nap in the late afternoon and wake up at 9 p.m. you feel a little disoriented. "Did I sleep through the night?" you ask yourself. You search for a clock wondering, "What time is it?"

By Monday night the disorientation Angela felt earlier in the day had disappeared. It always does within a few hours of her ECT treatments, always with healing sleep. To the best of her knowledge, she is experiencing no permanent or even temporary memory loss whatsoever, thus far.

Time will tell. And I'll tell you.

Now, then. Let me know how you're faring. Comment. Comment. Comment. 

I've missed your voices. Your ideas. Even your criticisms. You inspire and stimulate me.

It's great to be back.

Speak soon!

"It's Complicated" – ECT and more...

A lot is going on today.

Benedict Carey reported in the New York Times the latest intriguing and provocative news in the ongoing and contentious debate over the DSM-V. I'm not going to weigh in on all this, but here are a couple of interesting preliminary analyses from two bloggers I respect though they don't always agree – psychologist John M. Grohol of PsychCentral and Philip Dawdy of Furious Seasons. 

Trust me, there will be tons of people, professionals, bloggers, patients, parents, anyone who has ever been diagnosed or misdiagnosed will discussing this crucial publication when it's released, and Carey explains why:

"The eagerly awaited revisions — to be published, if adopted, in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, due in 2013 — would be the first in a decade.

"For months they have been the subject of intense speculation and lobbying by advocacy groups, and some proposed changes have already been widely discussed — including folding the diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome into a broader category, autism spectrum disorder.

"But others, including a proposed alternative for bipolar disorder in many children, were unveiled on Tuesday. Experts said the recommendations, posted online at DSM5.org for public comment, could bring rapid change in several areas.

“'Anything you put in that book, any little change you make, has huge implications not only for psychiatry but for pharmaceutical marketing, research, for the legal system, for who’s considered to be normal or not, for who’s considered disabled,” said Dr. Michael First, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University who edited the fourth edition of the manual but is not involved in the fifth.

“And it has huge implications for stigma,” Dr. First continued, “because the more disorders you put in, the more people get labels, and the higher the risk that some get inappropriate treatment.”

You can be sure, I'll be watching and commenting, too. But not today.

Finally, I've spent too much time corresponding on Facebook with someone who's very critical of my perspectives on ECT and who commented on my last post, which I linked to Facebook.

Darby Penney is a well-known anti-psychiatry activist who vehemently opposes ECT. Among her accusations against me is that I have a "bias toward this brain-damaging treatment." (Darby, you'll be happy to learn that Linda Andre's book finally arrived in the mail this morning, so I'll be adding it to my list of resources.) 

ANTI-PSYCHIATRY ACTIVIST CONTENDS THAT ECT CAUSES "BRAIN DAMAGE"

Penney contends that ECT causes "brain damage" and supports her statement with three clearly "anti-ECT" perspectives. 

Nevertheless, this statement, in spite of her supporters, appears to have no bearing whatsoever on the way Angela is responding to her ECT treatments. 

My question is, "Is memory loss brain damage?" But that's another story.

The point is, I'm trying to be as fair and balanced as I can be. Follow the comments to this series and you'll see all kinds of reactions. They're not edited in any way. I invite all of you with strong feelings about ECT to weigh in. This is a public forum. It's too bad Penney chose to express her opinions on my Facebook page instead of here, but that was her choice. 

Now then...

This is Week Three of Angela's eight-week course of ECT treatments – that could possibly stretch to 12 weeks, depending on her progress and her results. She is also participating in a long-term Toronto-based study involving four University of Toronto-affiliated teaching hospitals that is investigating ECT and the nature of its possible resultant memory loss at a cellular level. This study is in its fourth year and the results will be available in 2011. Although she wanted to increase the frequency of her biweekly treatments to three times a week, because of the design of the study, her psychiatrist told her that wasn't possible.

Since Monday, when Angela had her fifth treatment at 7 a.m., she's been perkier than I've heard her sound in ages. We speak every day. At least once. Often more.

During our conversations this week, we've been carefully distinguishing between how she perceives her mood as compared to how she's feeling about other issues in her life which are problematic, but have nothing to do with her psychiatric condition – her intractable depression with suicidal ideation.

"I'D RATHER HAVE MEMORY PROBLEMS OR BE A BIT CONFUSED THAN BE DEPRESSED"

On Monday, following her treatment, Angela said she was feeling "a little depressed but not suicidal," stressing that she had no memory problems at all. "To be honest, I'd rather have memory problems or be a bit confused, than be depressed," she admitted.

It was her 37th birthday, but she wasn't celebrating in any dramatic way. "We're ordering in Chinese food and watching the hockey game," she said, adding, "and my mother made me fudge, but she overcooked it. It's hard fudge." 

Angela was laughing during this conversation. I could hear her mother joking with her in the background. She was having fun. It was wonderful to hear.

On Tuesday, admittedly less depressed, Angela was annoyed because one of her cats was "misbehaving" – missing the litter box. "But I'm not feeling unhappy," she said.

This morning, she said, "Monday's ECT treatment was the best one I've had so far as far as side effects because there was a minimum memory loss," she said. "And you know, I feel like the treatments are definitely making an improvement over where I was. My affect is not nearly as flat and I'm handling my emotions better."

She said her mother's visit "went really well. I told her about my ECT and I was worried about how she'd react, but essentially she's quite supportive and just wants me to be healthy."

There are other personal issues that are bothering her, but Angela admitted, "I'm handing them better than I know I would have before the treatment."

THIS MORNING, SHE'S A GOOD SEVEN AND A HALF

On our scale of one to 10, she says she's a good seven and a half – a slight improvement over how she was feeling last week.

"If ECT allows you to be better prepared to handle those adversities, then it's worth its weight in gold," she said. 

Angela has a small studio in her home where she enjoys sculpting. When she's depressed, she never feels like working with her clay, but when we ended our conversation this morning, she signed off saying, "I feel like sculpting... and I think I'm going to go back to it."

My newest truths about food and mood...

Okay. I know what they say. Diets don't work.

If you take the "t" off the word "diet" – what you have? Die.

Anyone who's struggled with his or her weight all their lives knows all these cutesy cliches. We now know our weight is genetically predetermined, but that doesn't help. We still have to lose weight to be healthy. Genes or no genes.

The bottom line is, if you want to lose weight to be healthy you have to consume fewer calories than you burn.

That means either continuing to eat they way you like and spending 23 out of 24 hours seven days a week working out ... or cutting back on calories. 

And if you want to live long, it helps to eat a healthy diet. As Susan, a friend and one of my regular commenters mused yesterday:

"Why is it that all the good things in life are fattening, and stuff like carrot sticks, eewww."

It's not fair, but as my psychiatrist, Dr. Bob, often reminds me: "Life isn't fair." 

So, I'm now on Day Six of my first week of Weight Watchers. I'm dieting. They call it a lifestyle, but not yet for me. Right now, it's a diet.

I know I'm not going to lose weight on a diet of toasted whole wheat baguettes slathered with sweet butter. Or egg white omelettes loaded with melted cheddar. Or chocolate covered almonds. I'm feeling a craving coming on. 

The point is I'm in the midst of changing my habits. It takes a long time.

A lot longer than they tell you at a Weight Watchers meeting. 

My friend psychologist John M. Grohol found a new source of information about changing habits "across the pond" at University College London – from scientific psychology researcher Jeremy Dean and his PsyBlog. 

In a recent post, How Long to Form a Habit? Dean says it takes on average –  66 days to change a habit – with no guarantee this new habit will stick. He cites a July 2009 study in the European Journal of Social Psychology. 

It's complicated. Depends on the habit. Eating habits are probably among the hardest to change permanently along with quitting smoking and giving up alcohol or breaking a drug addiction. (What's the difference between an addiction and a habit, I wonder?)

If I could abstain from food altogether, it would be easier than moderating what I eat. One chocolate covered almond is harder to eat than none at all. 

At Weight Watchers they tell you it takes 31 days to change a habit. Marty will love this news. According to Dean, we're in for another 60 days of struggling to change our eating habits. If I announce this at my Sunday meeting, I'll be pelted with two-point snacks.

Here's my problem. 

I take one (1) 200 mg tablet of an anti-convulsant called Epival/Tegretol/Carbamazepine twice daily to stabilize my manic tendencies. It works for me. 

I also take eight (8) other different drugs, including three (3) different immunosuppressants, to keep me alive with my transplanted kidney. 

My complex daily cocktails of drugs don't exactly ease the weight loss process. 

Monica, pointed this in a comment to yesterday's post: 

"It could be your med making you hungry. I gained 100 lbs. while on Epival/Depakote, and I met a man in a bipolar support group who had the same experience. He lost it all when they switched him to Topamax. Me, I'd manage to lose 20 or 30 lbs. but then I'd start a new med and gain it all back. 

"Since I started Truehope and got off all my meds my appetite has plummeted. I eat a fraction of what i used to eat. I just am not hungry all the time any more.

What works for Monica would kill me. I need my drugs to survive. 

We're all as chemically different as we are emotionally different.

I'm going to struggle to lose my weight and reach my goal, again. 

For 60 more days – to change my habits – and every day after that.

Life isn't fair. It's life. That's the point.

Speak soon.

I'm in the mood for food...

You wanna hear about a slice of madness?

Last Sunday morning at 9 a.m. on the day before Canadian Thanksgiving, my husband Marty and I joined Weight Watchers – again.

And right now, I'm hungry. I have nine points left for the rest of the day. It's 4:20 p.m. I'm filled with vegetables. Cooked, fresh, in soup, on egg white omelettes. Filling Foods they're called on the new Momentum program of WW – but they don't fill my emotional hunger – the void that's been my nemesis for as long as I can remember.

I'm munching on fat-free popcorn and my fingers are slathering the sleek keyboard of my iMac with the chemicals that go into the stuff to make it pop in the microwave. (I'm afraid to read the label to find out exactly what those chemicals are. They may do me in faster than the extra weight I must lose.)

The popcorn is now gone, except for a few unpopped kernels in the bottom of the bowl and the ones I carelessly dropped whilst stuffing my mouth. So Riley, my Dandie Dinmont Terrier, is happily crunching beneath my feet. Like me, he is always hungry, too. But he's slim. Not me.

Why am I hungry? It's all in my head. I had a huge lunch but I'm in a bad mood. That's been my pattern for years. When I'm upset emotionally for any reason, I eat. Or talk. Or both. At the same time.

Very common, too. Emotional Eating. 

Right now, I'm having a rather turbulent time. Nothing serious. I can handle it, but whenever something goes awry, I seem to fall back on my old favourite. The Fridge.

And hey, I'm a Weight Watcher Lifetime Member who's fallen off the wagon. I think I stayed at my goal of 128 lbs for two minutes.

Then Marty got really sick and I fell back on my old favourites – bread, chocolate, cookies, more bread – to help me emotionally weather the storm. They are addictive.

So, now we're working at this together – Marty and me – as the 2009 party season begins. I know, it's craziness to commit to Sunday morning WW meetings, but they keep us on the straight and narrow since we know we'll have to face that daunting scale after every Saturday night revel.

According to the Mayo Clinic list of tips for How to stop emotional eating, I do almost everything right – except I don't exercise or get enough sleep. That's a big deal. That's why I've gained and lost literally thousands of pounds in my lifetime. In the past, I've run 10K races and done weight training. I go in spurts. Either all or nothing. Feast or Famine.

Now I try to walk fast and avoid elevators. But I just love to eat. I love it. I love the feeling of food in my mouth. All the tastes and textures. I love feeling satisfied, but not stuffed.

I love all the wrong stuff and in the wrong amounts.  

And you know what? I actually even like the way I look. All of me.

But it's not healthy. My doctor isn't happy. Nor is Marty's.

So here we are once more – counting our calories, tracking out points, measuring out portions, drinking gallons of water.

My psychiatrist really tries to discourage me from dieting. Of any kind. Dr. Bob thinks I look great. He can't understand why I won't simply accept that I'm good enough, just the way I am. The psychology here is that in self-acceptance, the weight will just naturally fall away.

That never happens with me. 

Meanwhile, my kidney transplant doctor isn't happy. Or my GP. Her mantra is "Get off your ass."

So now, on top of the Weight Watching, Marty and I and our two dogs have taken to walking most evenings. And curiously, those little walks, I have to admit, do make me feel better. So, I think I'll just slip out for a quick little ramble around the block right now, while Marty barbecues skinless, boneless chicken for dinner. 

My little stroll even might be as fulfilling as all those filling foods.

But who am I kidding? It's all a mind game, in the end. 

Ciao!

Working Through It

Have I got a website for you!

Yesterday evening, an email arrived in my inbox from my longtime friend and mentor, Mary Ann Baynton – with this subject line: 

Finally! Here is the link to Working Through It. Please forward it to anyone who can use it or share it.

Mary Ann and I go back a long way, but that's another story.

For now, let me simply say that she has dedicated her life to changing the culture of Canadian workplaces – to help employees facing mental health issues and their employers. Most workplaces are pressure cookers of stress and anxiety, demands and deadlines. More so every day.

Some of us can be emotionally vulnerable to these tensions, triggers for our mental health problems. Some of us bring those issues with us, but secretly. Either way, the workplace can be daunting for everyone involved.

In Canada, that's been changing because of Mary Ann.

In 2001, she was developing an educational program to help equip employers with easy-to-learn skills and training strategies to appropriately accommodate their employees who may be facing mental health difficulties on the job. Touchy situations that Mary Ann, with her training and commitment knew could be successfully mediated. Especially if an employee can "coach up" and help a supervisor learn skills they've never been taught.

Through the Canadian Mental Health Association (Ontario) she launched Mental Health Works. Since then, this multi-faceted program has won awards and now is running in government, private companies and corporations in at least five provinces. It's a win-win-win. 

There is no question that healthier workplaces with mentally and emotionally healthier and more resilient employees improve a company's bottom line! This has been proven time and again. Education is the key and Mary Ann's Complex Issues. Clear Solutions training and tools enables management to function more effectively – to discuss sensitive issues, resolve conflicts, create accommodations and avoid discrimination and human rights violations in the workplace.

A few years ago, Mary Ann began branching out and consulting. Now, she's consulting with CMHA and Mental Health Works but she's moved on.

Her newest venture is far more ambitious and delves deeper into the collective consciousness of people living with and struggling with mental health issues. Last night, I managed to track Mary Ann down at her home, where she was busy entertaining her extended family. She explained that in 2003 or 2004, a woman named Mandi Luis approached her at her CHMA (Ontario) office. 

"She had to walk away from a 27-year banking career because of severe depression. No one was able to help her," and now she wanted to help prevent that happening for others who may find themselves in similar straits.

Mandi is now a peer support specialist – peer support could have helped her when she needed it most. 

Mary Ann suggested Mandi write an article for Mental Health Works, which she did, but there was a problem. 

"When I was really, really depressed, really sick, I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on an article like this. I couldn't focus," Mandi explained.

So what to do about Mandi's dilemma? How do you transmit information to people who are currently struggling and so mentally and emotionally stressed out they're not able to concentrate well enough to read? How do you reach them?

Mary Ann came up with a possible solution. How about short videos of people, real people, talking about their experiences? 

In collaboration with Mental Health Works and The Mood Disorders Association of Ontario (MDAO) with the funding of Great West Life, where Mary Ann is now consulting, a working group was formed and 10 people were carefully selected to share their experiences in front of a camera. 

That's how Working Through It came about. This is an encyclopedic resource. Amazing. In all 31 videos. Short, byte-sized, none are more than three or four minutes. Several are even shorter than that. You can come and go, visit for a few minutes and then come back. Easily digestible and extraordinarily engaging.

There are 15 major themes, featuring four or five different people comfortably sharing segments of their stories of how they have "reclaimed their well-being at work, off work and returning to work."

"We wanted to use broad language that was entirely inclusive," Mary Ann explained when I asked why the word "recovery" was not used.  

You'll meet and grow to know Gord Conley, Sean Miller, Phillipia Wright, Bonnie Pedota, Hazel Gabriel, Rose Pardham, Marvin Burr, Melonie Long, Donna Hardaker and Constantin Nastic as they open up their hearts and their hurts to you. Candidly, viscerally, they tell you about their lives with their mental health struggles and their triumphs.

Speaking out about tough stuff sometimes. But they are surprisingly comfortable in front of the camera. They talk about their deeply personal feelings, memories, insights and strategies. They share practical tidbits of life experience that they've developed in facing all kinds of challenges in getting well, staying well, and coping when they may not be well, all the time. Yes, they talk about what they do when things go wrong. 

They talk about how they wish they could turn the clock back. How they wish they had sought help sooner. How facing the reality of their issues earlier may have saved them years of emotional anguish. Implicit is a sense that they want to help you to be more open to yourself, more honest. To refrain from denial and speak out. Open up. Don't go it alone.  

"This can happen to anybody and it's very treatable if you recognize it," says Gord Conley. 

We're all changing all the time. Life happens. Nothing stays the same. We all have set backs and they talk about theirs, too. And how they cope. What they do to prevent serious setbacks from reoccurring. All their support systems and strategies, from exercise and watching what you eat to taking your medication or going to regular 12-step program meetings. Whatever it takes. It's up to you.  

They're tremendous likable people and I was overwhelmed by their generosity, bravery, sincerity and courage.

Why? Because they've been through it. They tell you about how they've worked through it, how painful at times this process it. 

Most of all, they tell you and show you how you can feel better. How there is help out there. 

They are the faces of hope. There are lots of different ways to get help and stay healthy. And most of all, they show you that you're not alone.

To be honest, when I first entered the sight, I didn't know where to begin. It's so comprehensive. Initially, you see a selection of titles including What is happening? Why is it such a struggle? and What should I say? and How can I manage financially? and How do I stay well? and more.

I've never been one to begin at the beginning of anything. Being perpetually backward, I chose to bypass the Introduction and instead, headed to the end, to the penultimate section called Never Give Up. That title spoke to me.

I pressed the little orange arrow. A screen popped up and a lovely, pleasant-looking gentleman started talking, followed by another, and then two women. They weren't edited. They were extraordinarily comfortable and easy to listen to as they talked their mental health problems. They looked and sounded liberated. Alive. Free. 

I urge you to click onto Working Through It to see for yourself. No matter how you're feeling. There's so much information for you. Not only from these exceptional people, but specialists. Psychiatrists, leaders in the community who work to provide access to all kinds of support systems.

There's something for everybody here. Whether you are experiencing a mental health problem right now or you know or work with someone who is. University of Toronto Professor of Psychiatry Dr. Anthony Levitt talks about some startling statistics about how many people find the "right" help.

If you take 100 people with depression or anxiety, only 50 of them will recognize that they need help. Only 25 of them will look for that help. They may be prescribed one of 22 different medications or perhaps be offered one of five or six different kinds of talking therapy. That's 25%.

But here's what shocked me. Of that 25%, only 10% will follow through and receive the right treatment. 

You have to work through it. And it's not always easy.

These videos are powerful gems of hope and inspiration. Melonie Long talking about how she cannot believe what would have happened "had I been successful in my suicide attempt..." and now "knowing what joy feels like," brought tears to my eyes.   

You will be able to identify with these people. And there are loads of other resources embedded in this website. It's extremely user-friendly. One of the most exciting online mental health initiatives I've ever seen and experienced, anywhere.

This is another beginning for Mary Ann. "Next, we want to find out how we can help people get the right treatment, the help and support they really need, the first time – whatever it is." 

Think of how revolutionary that will be. And how much needless suffering will come to an end.

Think of how healthy our society as a whole could be. Negative stereotypes will be smashed. Workplaces with thrive. More people will live meaningful productive lives.  

Because we'll all feel more safe and secure Working Through It ourselves, with our families, our friends, our colleagues, our doctors. Everywhere. We'll be more comfortable with ourselves. 

Bravo! Let's spread the word. 

"The good life"...

I've been thinking about what it must be like to live on the street or beneath a bridge or in a shelter. About being homeless. 

I've written about people who have fallen into homelessness before. But not often enough. I guess because deep down I know that I could fall into homelessness. Anyone can. It frightens me, so I stay away. 

When I was reporting for The Toronto Sun, I spent several Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings at The Scott Mission where about 400 men and women and young people lined up for a warm Turkey dinner at 10:30 in the morning. I listened to their stories, those who would talk to me. Stories of lay-offs, family break-up, isolation, tough times, the dangers of the street. Often, mental illness, too.

But then I could walk away, go back to my office, write my story and go home. 

So you're probably wondering why I'm sleepless over homelessness now. As with many subjects I discuss here, it's pure chance.

Last week, I had a cup of coffee with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and she mentioned that she's passionate about Mainstay Housing and active on its board. I had never heard of Mainstay and started asking questions about Ontario's largest provider of safe, secure, affordable supportive housing for people with serious mental health challenges. 

That was the beginning.

My friend suggested I call Brigitte Witkowski, executive director of Mainstay. I did. On Tuesday, I went down to meet with her. She's a petite firecracker bristling with energy, spark and excitement about Mainstay and the communities it's created and the people now "living the good life" because they have a safe place to call home. It's affordable. Rent geared to income. "If they have no income, we help them get an income – either through Ontario Works or ODSP (the Ontario Disability Support Program)," Brigitte said.

The first thing she did was show me, with obvious pride, a series of framed black and white photographs hanging on the walls of the Mainstay offices. Each picture showed a neat, nicely landscaped, pristine house or low-rise apartment building in Toronto. Mainstay has 867 apartment units housing and supporting about 1,000 people in single or family-sized units in about 40 locations across the city.

Within five minutes, as we walked to a charming new Queen Street West cafe, I discovered that Mainstay isn't about buildings. 

It's about people. With a staff of 13 supportive housing workers and a housing access coordinator – all highly skilled social workers trained to engage tenants in "narrative story-telling to determine what a person needs to access and maintain their housing. We ask tenants what will work for them." 

"Our ideal tenant is poor and living with a mental illness," Brigitte explained. "If they have an addiction or a physical disability or a developmental delay or they're socially isolated, this is a bonus for us."

The scope and potential for recovery becomes even greater in such cases.

In short, being members of a community and breaking out of patterns of social isolation so they can "create the good life for themselves" as Brigitte calls it.

She used a phrase I've heard before through The Clubhouse movement – Everyone needs "A home. A job. A friend." 

This is the first step toward mental health recovery.

For Brigitte, Mainstay is a hub, a cluster of bright possibilities for people. It's all about adult education, responsible living and community development, where tenants can reach their goals for a good life.

Then, something clicked. About seven or eight years ago, at a Centre for Addictions and Mental Health (CAMH)  Courage to Come Back Awards dinner, I heard a woman, an award recipient, speak about her life. 

Abandoned as a child and forced fend for herself, she had fallen into homelessness. For years, she was forced to fight the elements, barely surviving in Toronto's parks and streets. For years. Unable to read or write, she couldn't hold a job though she tried repeatedly. Eventually, struggling with a mental illness and a diagnosis of schizophrenia, the only homes she ever knew were either boarding houses or more often hospital rooms in psychiatric wards.

"If homeless people don't have mental illness when they start, they certainly do once they get out on the street," she said in her acceptance speech and I've never forgotten it. 

In preparing for my meeting with Brigitte, I came across Linda Chamberlain's story on the Mainstay website. Though we have never met, indirectly, our paths were crossing again.

Through one person, a caring psychiatrist who reached out to her and helped her connect with Toronto's Clubhouse called Progress Place, Linda was able to find a home in one of Mainstay's apartments where she still lives, has two part-time jobs, served on its Board of Directors for six years and helped start The Dream Team.

Mainstay changed her life.

That's how a person becomes a Mainstay tenant – through any of 23 different agencies in Toronto, including CAMH and the Canadian Mental Health Association.

What intrigued me most about Mainstay is its rights-based approach. The vacancy rate is low.

During Mainstay's last fiscal year – April 1, 2008 to March 31, 2009, there were a total of 5 evictions and 199 evictions prevented. "When one of our tenants is evicted, we track where they go and reconnect them back to mental health agencies.

"That means that 204 notices of eviction were given to our tenants based on failing to meet tenant responsibilities defined in the Residential Tenancies Act," Brigitte said. "Most of the failures were paying rent. We also give notices of evictions for interfering with your neighbours' rights or the landlord's rights. We believe we house citizens and adults, not patients. We believe in our tenants' abilities to solve problems. Things happen and people with support and knowledge can find solutions that work.

"We're ruthless about missed rent payments. We live by the Landlord Tenancy Act and serve our tenants with eviction notices immediately," Brigitte said. 

At Mainstay, a notice of eviction is an opportunity for follow-up and eviction-prevention, she explained. "We don't want our tenants to feel hopeless and helpless. We know how desperately they want their apartments, so we show them how to connect with their responsibilities and solve problems. We show them there are multiple opportunities and it's often a revelation to them that they can solve their problems, like setting up payment plans if they've missed a rent payment.

Many Mainstay tenants (not "patients" or "clients") may never have rented an apartment before and through respectful, dignified support they learn the responsibilities of tenancy and begin to build self-confidence and self-esteem through their "membership" in their building's communities. 

"I believe in adult education, knowledge transfer and community development," Brigitte said. "Everyone deserves access to the good life and if a rent payment is missed, we ask if this is a problem and then come up with a solution. Each tenant signs a housing contract. It's all about choices – and people."

Opportunities. Learning. Recognizing the enormous potential, skills and productivity of our tenants, she says. "We're taking it to the next level and supporting our tenants on their individual journeys of recovery and in their relationship with the mental health world and the social service world."

There are gardening clubs at 21 buildings engaging 112 members. Each club sets its own membership rules and decides what they grow – vegetables, flowers or both. Some share among themselves or with everyone in the buildings. Each club decides. In four buildings, there are food security groups involving 93 members who work with the Daily Food Bank. Some now volunteer there. As well, they volunteer at the Learning and Resource Centre in the Mainstay headquarters.

We ran out of time. I had to leave. But I did, knowing that this won't be my first experience with Mainstay. I'll be back. I want to learn more. 

I rushed off to my 3:30 p.m. appointment with Dr. Bob. He had never heard of Mainstay. It's too easy to dismiss homelessness. To close our doors on it. To lock it away. Not me. Not anymore. Mainstay's approach to giving people who have been homeless access to the good life is too good to stay so overlooked, so unsung.

I'll be back.

"Julie & Julia" and me...

I'm back. Refreshed. 

That's how Julia Child in Mastering the Art of French Cooking instructs you to prepare all green vegetables after they've been blanched in boiling water. Refresh them. Plunge them into a bath of ice-cold water for a minute and they retain their glorious colour and crispness. They stop cooking, too. 

That's how I feel right now. Crisp. Bright. Not raw but ready. Tingly and alive again. Yum.

When I left you two weeks ago, I was a limp, burnt out asparagus spear. Desperately in need of refreshing. Emotionally parched. Spiritually dried-out. (Oh, dear. That's quite the metaphor, isn't it? ;-)) 

Then, the next day, the day following my departure – after I hung out my "Gone Fishin'" sign – my alter ego, my trusty iMac, burnt out, too. First, it froze. Then it died. Its hard disc damaged beyond repair.  

Now, all that is behind us – as you may have read in last week's Postcard from the Edge – and we're cooking with gas again. 

As you may have already guessed, over the weekend, my husband Marty and I treated ourselves to Nora Ephron's new movie Julie & Julia and we emerged refreshed and ravenous. 

More than that, we felt validated, knowing our marriage is what keeps us alive and loving life. We held hands all the way through the film – I cried – convinced our "enough" has made us rich beyond belief.

It wasn't always that way for me. Just as Julia Carolyn McWilliams Child wasn't always "Julia" – I wasn't always the person I am today. 

Back in the early 1990s, I was on dialysis. For close to two years, I had to spend 12 hours every day, seven days a week, hooked up to a peritoneal dialysis machine – to stay alive. Nauseous most of the time, I couldn't eat well. I had to restrict foods drastically, especially salt. Still do. 

Tethered to my machine through a shunt in my gut, in bed, I watched Julia Child's television shows religiously. Her vitality, wit, energy and passion for life and delicious French cuisine kept me emotionally enriched and vicariously well fed. 

If I couldn't eat, at least I could watch ... and imagine how her exquisite-looking dishes tasted. 

Those were lonely years. I was single. Unable to work. My Endstage Kidney Failure was the result of Lithium toxicity caused because my psychiatrist at that time neglected to monitor my Lithium levels properly. I never knew they had to be monitored so carefully back in 1975 when I started taking it for mania. (If you are on Lithium, please be sure to have your levels checked!) 

So, I lost the functioning of my only kidney. Yes, that's right. I had only one to begin with – not that it would have made much difference. Lithium toxicity affects both kidneys if you are lucky enough to have two.

Anyway. That was then. This is now. My youngest sister Glorianne saved my life by giving me one of her two kidneys on March 7, 1994 and the rest is history. She's healthy and well. Transplant is no cure, but it sure beats dialysis.

I returned to work as a Lifestyle feature writer at The Toronto Sun and on August 13, 1997, two days before her 85th birthday, I interviewed Julia Child. 

We talked about butter. 

Julia Child's trademark was her love of butter and rich French cookery ... and her revulsion for trendy, nutritious, low-fat cooking. 

"It's adulterating good food," she trilled on the telephone, I recall, in her unmistakable vibrato. "I was in a restaurant the other night and they had quenelles, and someone in our party said, 'Gosh, I haven't had a quenelle in years.' But this chef had done them complete 'diet', and do you know what one of those bouchees tastes like with no cream? It was awful, like chewing a chunk of rubber."

Yet even Julia admitted she was cutting back on butter to try to keep her weight down. Her approach to "cutting back" is either taste something rich or don't serve it at all. 

"Make another recipe. Don't adulterate something that's supposed to be good and delicious," she sternly 

advised. "You have your mouth all set for food the way it's supposed to be and then you get foam rubber. It's much better to eat an apple than this fake food."

Until seeing Julie & Julia, I never knew much about Julia Child's personal life. In part, the film is based her autobiography My Life in France. She wrote it with her husband's great-nephew, Alex Prud'homme in the last few years before her she died on August 13, 2006 – two days before her 92nd birthday.

It's a charming love story. Not only about her passion for France and its food, but her zest for life and especially, her lusty loving husband, artist Paul Child. She had a glorious and relatively late-in-life marriage – she was 34 and a virgin – to the most delicious man in the world. Paul absolutely adored Julia, who was 10 years his junior. He supported her wholeheartedly during her close-to-10-year odyssey writing her first landmark cookbook and getting it published. He illustrated and took photographs of her culinary creations for this and many of her subsequent cookbooks all their married life. He encouraged her to try teaching cooking on TV and was thrilled watching her phenomenal rise in the world of cooking.

What struck me most was that he loved her exuberance. She was loud and big and wildly enthusiastic. All 6-feet, 2-inches of her. Decidedly, admittedly different and he was utterly smitten. She was the "butter to his toast" and their marriage was a valentine, year-round.

That pretty well describes how my husband feels about me. And I him. And our marriage. He's more than 12 years older than I am. He calls me his "child-bride." He sees me as beautiful, even first thing in the morning, fresh out of bed. Unbrushed. He loves my exuberance, my excitability, my over-the-top enthusiasms. My passions, many of which he is thrilled to share. I'm different, too. Very different, as you well know. He especially loves that about me. 

I am not 6-feet, 2-inches. Just over 5-feet. As tall as Julia Child was, so I am round. 

Well, not quite, but in truth, I've had a real problem with food and my weight for too many years. I eat when I'm stressed, bored, anxious, frustrated and upset, as well as when I'm hungry. For any reason. The only time I don't eat is when I'm asleep. 

I eat too much. I gorge myself to fill emotional voids by stuffing my mouth and my stomach, sometimes to the point of pain. Food is my drug of choice. Unlike Julia. She was happy with tastes. A good eater. I'm not.

There's a reason. It began following a sexual assault by an orderly in the psychiatric ward of the Toronto Western Hospital when I was there for a week of observation in the early-1960's. I was in my early teens. It was my first hospitalization. Within six months I gained 50 lbs. I suppressed that memory for 14 years. All too common a story. Build a wall of fat around yourself and no man will ever want in again. Eat away your unconscious psychic pain.

Today, you might call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but back then PTSD hadn't yet been invented. When I was about 28, the memory of that sexual assault suddenly came out during a therapy session with the same psychiatrist who neglected to monitor my Lithium levels. He didn't deal with it, so it festered for years. I ate for comfort. At one time, I weighed as much as 242 lbs. Now, I'm well under that, but by no means trim.

So, I am a perpetual yo-yo dieter. Marty met me when I was thin and fit. Now, I'm not, but he cannot see the difference. Like Julia and Paul Child's marriage, we are blindly in love and about to celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary on August 22. He's the most dashingly handsome man I've ever known.

Now, even my yo-yo dieting is less a problem.

As for the "Julie" in this film – Julie Powell and her account of her year-long adventure cooking all 524 recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking and blogging about it – that's me, too. 

I was new to blogging when we launched Coming Out Crazy on Healthzone.ca in April 2008. Since then, I've reinvented myself and I love my online life with you. My "other life." I live for your comments. I care about how you will react to my musings. Marty is my editor – he is also a writer – and although the New York Times has not come calling, I believe we're making a difference as one of the only online mental health blogs carried and promoted by a major urban daily newspaper. 

Sadly, I learned yesterday from Philip Dawdy at Furious Seasons that Liz Spikol is no longer writing her award winning bipolar blog The Trouble with Spikol at The Philadelphia Weekly – a loss for all of us.

I don't know what happened, but I hope she'll be back. Her voice is needed. The more voices, the stronger we become. Your voices, too. All our voices.

Meanwhile, on Saturday evening, following the movie, Marty and I picked up a fresh whole-wheat baguette, some luscious local Ontario strawberries, tomatoes-on-the-vine, a gorgeous bunch of fresh basil and a small triangle of Italian Parmesan cheese. I've discovered the most divine new salad, thanks to Mark Bittman and his New York Times blog, Bitten. 

Here's the recipe. It's easy. Perfect for right now. A seasonal summer "red salad" – divine.

Fresh strawberries, tomatoes, sliced parmesan, fresh basil and – get this – no fat. Just a good balsamic vinegar. Toss and enjoy. Julia wouldn't mind. I bet she'd love it because it tastes scrumptious – without a smidgen of butter. 

Julia always said, "We must have the courage of our convictions." In the kitchen. And in life, too. That's what "Coming Out Crazy" is all about. 

I'm so happy to be back. I've missed you. 

Speak soon!

More on "Mad Pride" and "Knowing Your Rights Day" ...

Happy Mad Pride Day!

July 14 – A Universal Day of Liberation from old stereotypical thinking about mental health and mental illnesses. To challenge mental health discrimination and prejudice. To educate and enlighten and declare ourselves. To celebrate who we are, educate ourselves and others and remember our history. To break out of denial. To stop being afraid. To end our silence.

To be proud.

Wow, is "Mad Pride" ever a red flag issue, though? At least on this continent.  

Not in England and other countries, where "madness" is an increasingly acceptable word to describe having a diagnosis of a psychiatric or "mental illness" and that's very significant. 

Just click onto the comments to my last post, In the mood for Mad Pride 2009 to see an intriguing discussion that took place over the weekend. Not quite a repeat of what happened in the comments to my post about 2008 Mad Pride Week. That really upset people. Big time. 

So, we're making progress. One step at a time.

This morning, I received a Facebook invitation from Mary Ellen Copeland of the Copeland Center for Wellness and Recovery to join her group called "Mental Health Recovery and WRAP© – Wellness Recovery Action Plan". Copeland is one of the leaders in the U.S. mental health recovery movement and she has a remarkable recovery story, herself. 

I met the Stephen Pocklington at a conference last year and posted all about WRAP. These eight week programs offered in Toronto and all over the U.S. Worth considering if you want to add more tools to help you with your recovery. It works!

There is a profound relationship between Mad Pride and Mental Health Recovery. As I see it, they go hand in hand, even if you choose not to describe yourself as "mad" and feel more comfortable with the term "mental illness." Whatever works for you!

My friend Tufts University psychiatrist Ron Pies, a valued presence here at "Coming Out Crazy",  suggests that being very specific is probably most helpful and healthy. 

Here's what he says: "As for how people diagnosed with so-called mental disorders ought to refer to their conditions, I think its often best to name the specific condition, such as 'I have an anxiety disorder' or 'I have bouts of depressions.'"

Everyone is different and should find their own "comfort zone" – and it's doesn't have to be carved in stone. You may find yourself changing and evolving. "Coming Out Crazy" is a process. It can take years.

These days, I don't run around town saying seriously that "I'm utterly mad." (Although, I do less seriously, in certain situations, among friends and people who know me.) What I usually say is that "I'm in recovery from a unipolar mood disorder. I'm not bipolar. I have never been clinically depressed. I get high. Very high. Not happy. Insane, crazy, nuts, mad!" 

I feel comfortable making a little fun of myself and playing with words and I can pull it off. I've been out all my life. I've had years of practice. It wasn't as easy when I was much younger, as it is now.

It depends on context, of course. Where you are. Who you're with. We're all different. I'll often add that, "This is a very rare, very serious mood disorder. I've been hospitalized about 20 times for mania. I get psychotic. It's no fun. Trust me! But I haven't had a major manic episode since 1988." 

When I talk about myself that way, more often than not, people are comfortable asking me questions. That's when I can self-advocate and educate. It's a win-win-win! That's how you can bring about change, one person at a time. It works. 

That's my brand of Mad Pride. Why don't you try to think about yours. Everyone feels differently. How do you describe yourself and feel about yourself? Why not comment about your brand of Mad Pride and if you don't have one, pretend you do. Put words to your thoughts. Brainstorm. Add your thoughts and comment on them, here.

After all, this is Mad Pride Week. It's the one week in the year when Madness is on a lot of minds. Have some fun with it. Think about some positives. Break out. Be a little optimistic. Cockeyed Optimistic! Think outside your box! Forget about the old resonating ideas for a minute. Just be free. Take a deep breath and for a moment, remember that you are you! There's no one on earth like you. Never has been and never will be. You have special gifts. Try to turn your thinking around. 

Be proud of where you are right now. If you're here, you're in a good, safe place. And we're all here together with you!

One last word – five really important words, actually – before I list highlight tomorrow's Mad Pride Week activities. 

These are the five key concepts for Mental Health Recovery according to Mary Anne Copeland.

• Hope

• Personal Responsibility

• Education

• Self Advocacy

• Support

Meditate about them, too.

Now them, tomorrow, Wednesday July 15th, is "Know Your Rights" Day during Toronto's Mad Pride Week. 

Here's what's on tap. Click here for an overview and details about location.

From 11 a.m. to 12 noon: The Dream Team, a group of "consumer survivors" who advocate for safe, secure and affordable house for people living with mental health and addiction issues will share their stories. Over the last year The Dream Team worked with various groups and communities across Ontario to explore the issue of discriminatory zoning. In this presentation members of the Dream Team will illustrate the concept of discriminatory zoning and the impact on people with mental health and addiction issues. 


At 12 noon to 12:15 p.m. The Parkdale Activity Recreation Centre or PARC Ambassadors Program is a remarkable grassroots community success story. This Parkdale Community consultation program engages, informs and consults with residents and stakeholders in the community in relation to their building development at Edmond Place. Nine Ambassadors, PARC Members, receive remuneration for their peer and member driven work, which incorporates and builds on the principles and values of the recovery model and PARC’s Mission – PARC – A Place Where People Rebuild Their Lives. 

When the Parkdale Activity Recreation Centre acquired Edmond Place from the City of Toronto to develop affordable, social housing for marginalized persons in our community there was extreme opposition to PARC by residents and stakeholders in Parkdale. Since the PARC Ambassadors Program's inception in September 2007 this inner-city community has evolved from a NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) neighbourhood to a YIMBY (Yes In My Back Yard) neighbourhood. 

The PARC Ambassadors Program is proof positive that through community organizing and public relations, marginalized people have a commitment to their community. They have all the necessary attributes and capabilities to be productive, to contribute to their neighbourhood and to society. They can a do live a healthy, meaningful and fulfilling life. This is a powerful snapshot of recovery.

PARC Ambassadors will discuss their work at this presentation 

12:15 noon to 1 p.m. Lunch – light refreshments generously provided by The Raging Spoon

*RSVP: http://www.madpridetoronto@yahoo.ca

Special lunch time presentations featuring Laughter Yoga with Salimah Kassim-Lakha, and more!

1 p.m. – 2 p.m. – Presentation – Legal Jeopardy by Parkdale Community Legal Services (PCLS)

2 p.m. to  3 p.m. – David Carmichael

QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS

When it comes to treating your own mental illnesses, we often assume that doctors and other mental heal professionals always know what’s best. During this presentation, David will raise a few issues about scientific drug research and help you understand, based on his own experience recovering from major depression, how important it is for people living with mental illnesses to take responsibility for their own recovery and rehabilitation by asking their doctors and mental health workers questions, questions and more questions, and by becoming regularly physically active. 

David holds a masters degree in physical education and is the former director of national projects at ParticipACTION. After experiencing his first major depression in 2003 at the age of 45 and a relapse in 2004, he tragically learned the importance of good mental health and does not assume that doctors always know what’s best.

A Q & A session will follow.

3 p.m. – 4 p.m. Street Nurse Beth Pelton 

Beth Pelton is a registered nurse currently working with Street Health Community Nursing. Most of her nursing work has been in the community, and with people living with cancer. Her experiences have included working in medical and geriatric and psychiatric nursing, practising from a Harm Reduction Philosophy.

Mad Pride can help you on your Recovery journey. Go for it!