Bedtime inflation

A couple of nights ago we heard that tell-tale sound of small, bare feet on the stairs. Of course, Cameron appeared and reported another "poked myself in the eye" incident, which would require someone to COME TO HIS BED IMMEDIATELY AND CUDDLE HIM UNTIL HE WAS IN A DEAD SLEEP. He was doing that thing that kids do when they're trying to convey the enormous gravity of the (somewhat imagined) scenario...? Working with the corners of his mouth to conceal a smile, kind of looking at us through his outgrown bangs and slightly furrowing his little brow... just in case either of us failed to absorb the seriousness of the situation.

His father and I are all-too-familiar with night-time delay tactics, which we call "bedtime inflation." When it comes to excuses for middle-of-the-night attention, we have heard it all:

"I'm lonely."

"My ear is hot."

"I miss my other jammies."

Cameron is better now (evening eye-injuries and "I'm-just-not-the-sort-of-guy-who-can-fall-asleep" declarations aside). It's our 18-month-old, Alister, that causes us the real 3 a.m. grief. Until very recently we were giving our overfed toddler a bottle when he woke in the middle of the night. Why? Just because it was the thing we did. And because it never seemed like a good night to listen to him wail for hours like one of his limbs had been severed.

While we still give him a bottle at bedtime, we've recently taken away the midnight-snack bottle (and the 2 or 3 a.m.-snack bottle) and it's going reasonably well. When he wakes up, he's relatively content with a little snuggle. But he's still night-waking. And he gets up between 5 and 6 most days.

Yesterday I interviewed The Sleep Doula, Tracey Ruiz, who - in the most non-judgmental way possible - very gently pointed out the error of our ways. We might want to think about breaking the sleep-food connection, she explained, because if we don't teach him to go to sleep without milk at the beginning of the night, he's not going to be as good at soothing himself when he wakes in the middle of the night.

Tracey was a regular birth and post-partum doula until she recognized the enormous need that parents have for support when they're sleep-deprived, at their wit's end, and about to throttle each other or their insomniac child. She talks parents down off the ledge with middle-of-the-night phone calls and texts, and can even come over to be heavy and get your child's sleep sorted out, which usually takes two or three nights.

To learn more, stay tuned for our article on what parents really want this Valentine's Day - a proper night of sleep!

Comments

[Tammy MacKenzie]

I don't want to seem rude, but if you have been addressing parenting issues for 8 years how is it that you are unaware of the no-no of giving your toddler anything but water at bedtime and during the night? That is a fast-track for rotten teeth!
As to sleep issues, it can be a balancing act between ensuring kids aren't left with insecurities, and fostering a habit of making Mom or Dad jump on demand, admittedly, but in the end, I think it comes down to a simple matter of parents learning how to say "No!". A few nights of fussing are far better than an ongoing interrupted sleep pattern. I believe a lot people experience these problems because of the accepted practices of isolating a baby in a crib and getting them on a schedule ASAP, which fosters an early pattern of getting up through the night for feeding, and lingering insecurity about access to parental love and attention when alone and in the dark. My opinion, of course, but I and a number of friends kept our babies in bed with us until they started sleeping well through the night, and allowed their own adjustment to a bedtime and through-the night schedule, and never had problems with bedtime or getting up at night subsequebtly.

[Toronto Star]

Hi Tammy, Brandie Weikle here. Like countless other moms, I started out nursing my child in the night - as in the World Health Organization recommendation - but switched him to a bottle when a family emergency required that he be weaned suddenly. Since then he has had a night-time bottle while we rock him, but never in his crib.
Correct me if you're a dental health professional or know otherwise, but the message the parenting publications I've worked for have always conveyed is that the real risk of cavities comes when you let your child go to sleep with a bottle of anything but water. When they nurse on that bottle over an extended period, and fall asleep like that, the lactose from milk or the fructose from juice (yikes!)swirls around the palette and the front teeth especially soak in the resulting plaque the rest of the night.
Now, I've been told by dental professionals before that their ideal hygiene routine would involve swiping down a toothless baby's gums after each feed to protect the emerging teeth. I think that somewhere between letting your kids drink juice all night and doing the gauze wipe after each of 12 feedings a day is the middle ground that most parents can realistically achieve.
It's interesting how polarizing sleep issues can be. As I wrote, we haven't had it easy in the sleep department, and I firmly believe that is a combination of both our in-the-moment coping techniques (or lack of coping, as the case may be!) and the kids we got. The anguish some parents go through over picky eating is similar, and our kids are good eaters. I have a two-bit theory that every parent gets theirs. It's never a cakewalk at EVERY step of the parenting journey.
As for sleep, I think each family should find the solution that works for them. If you are able to get enough sleep with your baby in bed with you to function during the day, great! If not, lovingly teaching your child to feel comfortable in his or her room at night is another route to take. I prefer not to judge until I've walked in another parent's shoes - or in this case, spent a night at their house!
Wishing all of us the sleep we so richly deserve.
Brandie

[Tammy MacKenzie]

Hi Brandie, I guess I should clarify - your aricle gives me the understanding that you have been giving your 18 month old a bottle at least twice during the night (midnight and 2-3 AM). At this age, children have teeth that should be brushed, and I guess I am skeptical of the image of a parent getting up twice in the night to feed their 1 1/2 year old a bottle, then take them into the bathroom to brush their teeth before putting them back to bed. If this is the case, I apologise, but perhaps you might have had a caveat regarding bottles in bed. And I didn't wipe my child's gums or teeth after every feeding, but once she had teeth, I did make sure they were brushed at least twice a day, I've seen too many little ones with rotting teeth! In any case, I do feel that at that age, your child doesn't actually need the night-time feedings, and you are promoting a response-pattern that will continue, which seems to be displayed by your older son. Again, this is the understanding I have from your article. There will always be times children will need us at night, due to bad dreams, strange noises, and so on - and of course we should respond to those incidents. I just don't believe allowing a child to demand a parent's lingering presence to go to bed/sleep on a regular basis is appropriate or helpful to the child in the long run (barring times of genuine upset and uncertainty, of course). Or the parents, for that matter.
My comments were directed, not at breast vs bottle, family bed vs. separate room, but at allowing children (18 months is not a baby anymore) to develop habits that can usually be avoided with appropriate boundaries that are consistently and firmly upheld. And yes, sometimes it takes a little time and effort and can be difficult for a period, but in the long run, everyone benefits (ie, I have done the picky-eating bit, when it became an issue, same thing applies).
It was not my intenbtion to be judgemental, as parents we all have to find our way through many trials and difficulties, according to our beliefs and ethics. But as you write a blog that many read, my concern is presenting an image of some issues in a light that makes them normal and OK, without any solutions to the problems.