The end of Supermom?

Bad is the new good. That's the tag line on one of my favourite blogs, Her Bad Mother, Catherine Conner's raw, irreverent and honest look at what the front-lines of motherhood really look and feel like on both bad days and good.

Catherine is one of the subjects interviewed in today's feature by family issues reporter Andrea Gordon, Bringing up baby badly on purpose, which is actually better described by the subhead: Tired of impossible standards, moms and dads embrace 'bad' parent label with relief.

Of course, Catherine and bloggers like her are using the term 'bad' with tongues planted firmly in cheeks. They represent a backlash that's been far too long in coming. With the dawn of "attachment parenting" and an explosion in psycho-social research on the importance of the early years, the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction from our parents' benign playpen neglect. That has us arriving — unhappily, I think — at this place where every decision (pacifier or no pacifier, organic or just hormone-free, gymboree or baby-signing class, Montesorri or Waldorf) seems to require weeks of research and nights of teeth-gnashing. Plunk your baby in the swing so you can eat a sandwich? Heavens no! That's a "baby container" where your child's brain surely will atrophy faster than you can call the pharmacist to ask for a refill on your anti-depressants.

Among the first to speak up about this nonsense was Judith Warner, author of the book Perfect Madness, which chronicled the NY Times writer's startled reaction to the intentioned, anxiety-soaked "too muchness" she observed among her parenting cohorts in the Washington suburb she moved to after starting her family in France. Warner (who now writes, among other things, a blog called Domestic Disturbances for the nytimes.com) asked us to consider why everything from planning birthday parties to getting kids vaccinated had become minefields where every step was an opportunity to sentence our children to lifetime of psychotherapy.

This backlash of "bad" parent bloggers (because, really, is anyone with it enough to blog about parenting also a crack-head who turns tricks while the kids watch Treehouse?) operate from the position that since we all need therapy anyway, perhaps we can go easy on ourselves for losing it every once in a while, or for ordering pizza instead of making it, or for simply JUST NOT LOVING every single minute of caring for our darling offspring.

Please check out the story, comment if you feel so inspired, and then please take the poll on the parentcentral.ca home page (scroll to bottom left).

And maybe if you'd rather have a margarita this weekend instead of assembling that Lego Death Star, perhaps you can tell the kids to just go play outside. Maybe bring out this old chestnut from our own childhoods: "You'll have FUN once you get out there."

Comments

[Joanna]

I have a good friend whom I met in pre-natal classes...we regularly get together to talk about why we happened to be a bad Mom that day...oh, he fell, or I gave him KD for dinner or un-matched pjs or...get this...a mosquito bite on his face...the expectations we place on ourselves have become so extreme and ridiculous, I think this is the only way we can deal with it...

[anonnnnnie]

Like anything else "bad parenting" helps ad revenue grow.

[Joanna Zuk]

Also see -

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/06/06/typology-of-the-bad-mother/

[Her Bad Mother]

There's the crux of it right there - anybody who is on-the-ball enough (and fascinated enough by their children) to blog is probably not a seriously bad parent. So what's the fuss? The celebration of the trials and difficulties of parenthood helps all of us feel a little less alone - and keeps us honest. Because, seriously, I just do not trust anyone who claims to love and be good at every minute of it. Just, no.

[Naomi Lazarus]

While I was changing my daughter, I turned sideways to dig through the drawers of her dresser, which stands right next to the changing table. She managed to flip over, bounce off my hip, slam her forehead into the corner of the changing table, and fall, like a brick, face down on to the carpet.

She cried for a few minutes, then allowed me to calm her down, took a bottle and fell asleep. I cried for half an hour, and then called my sister.

My sister said, "Oh well. There goes Harvard."

Our children cannot live up to the potential they are born with, no matter how "perfect" we are. Every decision we make produces a gain and a loss. And, if we don't screw up a certain amount of the time, how will they ever learn to cope with chaos on their own?

[Tammy MacKenzie]

Great subject!
Being the "perfect parent" myself, I have a few tips:

Rule number 1 - someone, somewhere, somehow, is going to judge our parenting
Rule number 2 - making parenting "mistakes" is unavoidable
Rule number 3 - we are our own worse critics

Rebuttal numner 1 - someone, somewhere, somehow, is going to praise our parenting
Rebuttal number 2 - making parenting "miracles" happen is unavoidable
Rebuttal number 3 - we are our own worse critics because we are good parents

Giving a child the best of everything, a multitude of activities, and all your time doesn't mean you love them, it only means you have lots of time and money...
Not to say that people who do that don't love their children - just that children don't need those things to feel loved, valued, confident and happy.