Are we too soft on our kids?

On the heels of this month's discussion about whether Chinese mother's are superior, a new study suggests maybe there's a bit of truth to the controversial author's case against the permissive North American parenting style.

It suggests that children who display poor self-control as early as three could have a triple the chance of developing problems with the law and addiction.

I'm not terribly keen on research that sends parents into panic that behaviour in the preschool years spells certain juvenile delinquence. But the lead author, Duke University psychologist Terrie Moffitt, makes an interesting point.

“Self-control is a vital skill for scanning the horizon to be prepared for what might happen to you,” she says. In other words, if in an endless quest to cushion self-esteem from the slightest of blows, we don't let our kids learn to cope with small disappointments, we do them no favours for weathering the bigger more complex stuff they encounter down the road.

And it's not just pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps that enforces self-control. Moffitt suggests parents can help encourage that skill even just by giving their children some guidance on saving an allowance for a purchase down the road.

Self-control and resilience are closely related parenting topics and we plan to explore the latter further in an upcoming article, so please stay tuned!

Meanwhile, here are some other bits of news you won't want to miss:

New exercise guidelines

How cold is too cold for recess

TDSB staff recommend no school closings for Jane and Finch

 

 

Comments

[Jim M]

I think the secret of Chinese mother success is consistency, not mercilessness.

[wall-flower@live.com]

Maybe we're not too soft on our kids, rather we're too soft on ourselves. Being a parent who makes their kids stick to practicing instruments or sports and doing schoolwork takes a lot of effort. Maybe it's the parents who are too tired from the stress of their day to day lives who give up and figure it's not worth the fight...
Maybe the modern parent is...(and I'm bracing myself for the outrage) lazy?

[Bee]

Correlation is not causation.

[Susan]

I think @wall-flower hit it on the head ... indeed, parents are too soft, and yes, I include myself in that generalization :-)

I recognize it though - when my 4yr old is pushing every button I have and I am exhausted from being a 'working mom', the endless meals I seem to be prepping, cooking and shopping for, the bevy of household chores that pile up no matter how hard you try to cross a few off your list, not to mention chasing around my 21 month old son who has yet again managed to locate another lid-less marker and is making a beeline for the cream-coloured couch in the family room [what were we thinking?!], yes, I let things slide. I give in - I surrender - I take the easy road. And I vehemently regret it afterwards, and swear it'll never happen again. Until the next time ...

Maybe if I had a housecleaner, a personal cook, someone to take the load off the other parts of life that suck up so much attention and effort and time and patience ... I'd be in a position to give more of it to my kids, and maybe save a bit for myself and my spouse!

Too simplistic an answer for some, I'm sure.

[tai viinikka]

"... if in an endless quest to cushion self-esteem from the slightest of blows, we don't let our kids learn to cope with small disappointments, we do them no favours... "

Who died and made self-esteem king? :)

http://www.aboutkidshealth.ca/En/News/NewsAndFeatures/Pages/Intellectual-risks-and-learning.aspx

The real goal is self-efficacy:

"If people experience only easy successes they come to expect quick results and are easily discouraged by failure. A resilient sense of efficacy requires experience in overcoming obstacles through perseverant effort. Some setbacks and difficulties in human pursuits serve a useful purpose in teaching that success usually requires sustained effort. After people become convinced they have what it takes to succeed, they persevere in the face of adversity and quickly rebound from setbacks. By sticking it out through tough times, they emerge stronger from adversity."

http://www.des.emory.edu/mfp/BanEncy.html