Parenting tip of the day

This comes from psychologist and parenting author Alyson Schafer.

It's been on my mind for a few weeks since she mentioned it on Twitter.

Schafer said that children have "mirror neurons" - wee synapses in the brain that read the emotions and stresses on our faces, and sort of take them on as their own.

It's something I've been trying to think about in my interactions with the kids. I've had mixed success, of course: I don't know many things that are harder work or more patience-trying than some of those long evenings with the kids. But I've been trying to repeat the phrase "mirror neurons" in my head when I'm responding to a meltdown or a complete refusal of dinner. Sometimes those two words help me to realize my forehead is all crumpled up in consternation. Lots of times I forget and respond more emotionally than I should.

Maybe I'll write the words "mirror neurons" as a message to myself on the kitchen blackboard, next to the grocery lists and phone messages. Because it's pretty much as important as remembering to pick up a bag of milk.

Yesterday's tip.

Previous tips.

Parenting tip of the day

Here's a school-lunch cheat you might like to copy on a hurried morning.

When I'm in a local bakery, I've been grabbing a stuffed croissant as an occasional sandwich boredom buster for my son in Grade One.

It's admittedly a bit of a treat because of the high fat content (though Cameron is so skinny he has a little 6-year-old six pack), but there's goat cheese, spinach and roasted red pepper inside. Pickier eaters might prefer ham and cheese, or even the variety stuffed with a sausage, which kind of makes it like a big, portable hot dog.

I've been picking these up about once a week. The cost is around $2.50.

What are your lunch-box secrets?

Parenting when you're sick

You bend over to pick up a toy, and your sinuses throb. Every 20 seconds, you cough like a 70-year-old smoker. When you kneel to zip up your kid's coat, you feel faint.

Welcome to Sick Day: the Parent Edition.

Between daycare germs and the pandemic flu year, it's hard to imagine any parent will come through this season without spending at least a few days parenting under the influence of Mr. Nasty McViruspants. More often than not, you may be looking after sick children while you struggle to resurrect your crumbling immune system.

With some sort of nasty chest cold or mild flu knocking out everyone in our house - including the caregiver - I found myself alone with my youngest coughing, feverish boy on a day I could barely get out of bed this week. When our babysitter called in sick, I wondered how I'd possible look after him.

But we made it through with cups of hot chocolate and a morning viewing of the movie "Cars."

How do you manage to look after your children when you're under the weather? Please share your tips.

Here are some pointers from the Public Health Agency of Canada on how to look after someone who has the flu.

And here's a list of frequently asked questions on the H1N1 flu, including tips for getting through this germiest of seasons.

Find everything you need to know on our H1N1 page.

Today's top news stories for parents

Today is a bit of a big day on the H1N1 story. Sadly, a 13-year-old boy has been confirmed to have succumbed to complications of swine flu.

If you're wondering where to find a clinic in your area, go to our swine flu page and look under "Swine flu Info Links" on the left. Absenteeism from H1N1 is now on the rise in Ontario schools, which is an important indicator of influenza spread.

We've also got an update for pregnant moms. Canada will import 200,000 adjuvant-free H1N1 shots from Australia, rather than wait for our version to make it through our regulatory system. Pregnant women are four times as likely to develop severe complications from swine flu.

Other major news stories you'll want to read:

The 10 least nutritious breakfast cereals Note, they're all the type marketed to kids.

Teenagers at risk for heart disease are on the rise. A two-decade study of teens in the Niagara region of Ontario found that the number with risk factors for heart disease - obesity and high cholesterol - had risen to 21 per cent of all kids in Grade 9.

Price tag for all-day kindergarten rises by $500 million The Ontario government has decided to ignore the Pascal Report's suggestion of using early childhood educators to round out the kindergarten day, and instead put teacher's in charge for the full day. Follow this story on our Early Learning page.

School boards' backers blast 'achievement reform'  They say a bill that would amend the Ontario Education Act would limit the powers of school boards to set education priorities, making those second-fiddle to standardized test results.

New column on women's issues Former environment reporter Catherine Porter has launched a new column. Today she share a little about the juggle between motherhood and work.

A couple of things from yesterday when I was off sick:

Disney will be refunding money to Canadians who purchased Baby Einstein DVDs. That's because it turned out to be such a crock that any form of screen time is good for baby brain development. Talk about a fall from the mom-preneur pedestal for creator Julie Aigner-Clark.

Curriculum examines what puts kids on the street York University has developed lessons plans - including gritty skits performed by students - aimed at busting stereotypes and misconceptions about homelessness.

Some fun diversions:

Parentcentral's Halloween Guide

Fun-filled family events for this week

The Star's Halloween page

Pregnant women and swine flu vaccine

Pregnant women who have been struggling with whether or not to have a swine flu vaccine will want to note something mentioned in our latest story on the delivery of swine flu vaccine.

In it Chief Public Health Office David Butler-Jones said pregnant women should consider getting the first available version of the H1N1 vaccine, rather than waiting for the unadjuvanted version to arrive at "a later date."

Pregnant women have been identified as more likely to develop severe complications from swine flu. Women, generally, are more affected by H1N1 than men.

The adjuvant - or additive - in the swine flu vaccine is a mix of fish oil, water and vitamin E. It boosts the strength of the vaccine and makes the available supply of antigen go further, as less is needed for each person. This story addresses the common concerns about the vaccine.

Reminder: Kids older than 10 need 1 swine flu dose; under 10 need 2.

For all the H1N1 updates and resources you need, please bookmark our Swine Flu page.

Back-to-school party

My oldest boy, Cameron, is headed back to school tomorrow. Not only that, but he starts Grade 1, which is a pretty big deal when you're accustomed to calling it a day at 11:30 a.m. and everything that happens outside of the kindergarten wing is cloaked in mystery.

Cam has taken a while to get comfortable with the notion of being in Grade 1. He doesn't yet know how to read and some of his friends do, so he's been concerned that he's not "proper for Grade 1." A little pomp and ceremony have been required to nudge him from plain old nervous to nervous excitement.

I wrote last week about the transitions that September brings, some of them welcome, some of them, not so much. Suffice it to say we both needed something to give Labour Day some shape, mark the end of summer on a high note and welcome the start of school.

We decided on a back-to-school lunch at noon. This way everyone could have a leisurely meal and good long play and still get to bed on time. (You could do this with school-bus themed invitations and a school-bus cake, but this was planned on short-notice, which I think is the easiest and lowest-pressure way to throw a party.)

I didn't feel like manning the barbecue all day, and I wanted to be able to talk to my friends, so I made platters of sandwiches (school-lunch theme, right?) that I could pull out of the fridge when guests were assembled. Along with a selection of other kid-friendly snacks, Irene's veggie tray and a plate of watermelon, this was all that was needed.

 

(Unfortunately, 2-year-old Alister sidled up to this tiered snack tray when I was busy setting up, and polished off the chips.)

It was a gorgeous day, so the backyard was the perfect place to gather.

 

Left to right, that's Alister (he's not going back to school), Maddie, Davis, Ella (who declared her intention to marry Davis several times during the party), Cameron and Emerson.

The kids had plenty of opportunity to burn off some last-day-of-summer energy...

...sliding...

...climbing...

...colouring...

and playing "Octopus." (Octopus? Cameron explains: "One person is the octopus and they say 'run!' and if you get touched, you're seaweed.")

Naturally, all of this requires refreshments...

Of one kind,

Or another.

Because after keeping kids entertained through nine weeks of summer vacation,

the grown-ups deserve a little fun, too.

Hurray!

Naturally, the centrepiece of this sort of gathering is always the cake (who doesn't like cake?).

 

I swung by Baskin-Robbins late Sunday afternoon and selected this ice cream cake from the few left on the shelf. I asked the young man helping me if someone could pipe the words "Back to school!" on top.  He said yes, but added, "I dunno why anyone would want to celebrate THAT." He then proceeded to spell it S-H-C-O-O-L. The above is his fix-it job.

It went over Okay.

 

 

But the important part is that, by dinnertime, Cameron had declared that he was now more excited than nervous, and that going into Grade 1 "makes me feel so much bigger."

And that's the point.

Have a great first day of school.

Cameron quote of the day

Cam: "You know Lego Lando Calrissian?"

Me: "Yes...?"

Cam: "Well, he comes in this set, with these other guys, you know the guys on the motorbike things that fly?"

Me: "You mean from 'Return of the Jedi?'"

Cam: "Yes! Well, he comes with those guys, in this set, and IT'S ONLY AVAILABLE AT TOYS 'R' US!"

Me: "Where did you hear that?"

Cam: "I read it in a Lego magaZINE...?"

Some comments on all-day learning

Earlier this week I shared my concern about teachers standing in the way of proposed all-day learning in Ontario elementary schools.

Today social justice reporter Laurie Monsebraaten has a positive update on the early learning front - Education Minister Kathleen Wynne says the province DOES support the idea of integrated education and childcare.

Some of the commenters had very interesting things to say, so I'm going to share those with you here:

"S. Morgan" made a very good point about having the physical space to accommodate childcare, particularly for kindergarten students:

Please be sure that you are representing the thoughts of actual individual teachers, not the unions that represent them. The opinions of individuals are not necessarily the same as the party line. The one huge concern over full day kindergarten, and the creation of education hubs is the space! Where will we put the children? In a school with 6 classes of half-day kindergarten children, you currently need 3 rooms. If they stay all day, you need 6! The government would have to invest millions to enlarge existing school buildings and the current daycare centres would be boarded up.

Certainly, bricks and mortar are huge factors here. While it seems fairly achievable that before- and after-school programs for grade-school students could be housed in current classrooms, gym facilities, cafeterias and play yards, it is potentially very tricky to figure out what to do with double the kindergartners.

However, the expectation is that it WILL take time to roll out the program at all schools where there is demand. It will take creativity and juggling and out-of-the box thinking. But it's also important to note that it likely won't be quite a doubling of kindergarten kids. Some will still have stay-at-home parents, grandparents or other caregivers that their families prefer to use.

When we look at how universal childcare supports families in countries elsewhere in the world, it's reasonable to expect that the program will become quite popular (in fact, we only need to look at Quebec's $7-a-day childcare to see that). Here's what "Secondina" had to say (clever alias, by the way):

I am a Canadian expat living abroad for over 14 years now. I live in Italy. I have two small children and no family living close by. We have a school system identical to the one proposed and I must say that it is by far the best situation one could hope for in my situation. My children are in Kindergarten (my 3 yr old) and in 1st grade. We take them to school in the morning at 8-8.15 and pick them up between 5-5.30. We pay a minimal cost of approx 400 Euros each per year for pre- and post-school programs and would be lost and financially inhibited without them. My children get hot lunches served from a school catering service and are cared for throughout the day, which allows me to work serenely and not worry about them being picked up by a baby sitter or neighbour and taken to daycare or sitting in front of someone's TV for hours!

I can relate to "Secondina" because I also have no family nearby to help with pick-ups and drop-offs, and there are many thousands of us in the same boat here in Toronto. "M. Lucic" concurred the proposed program would be a huge weight off:

What a great idea. Not only do the kids get early stimulus and education but the parents would get piece of mind knowing that their child is in a safe learning environment, and you don't have to worry about mid-day transportation to and from school and daycare. If this had been available when my kids were young I would have gladly paid a fee for such a program. Government will always find reasons to tax us at least this one would be worth the expense.

Predictably, there are always those who think programs like this are nanny-state interference. That children are some kind of extravagant lifestyle choice for which parents should shoulder all expenses. And that (snore) the only moral choice is for one parent to stay at home to look after the children. "Not amused" says:

Let's call it what it is: daycare, not education. It's an extra half day of play time so mom and dad don't have to spend a couple of years paying for daycare or spending time with preschoolers. But its also $500 million out of the pockets of the taxpayers, so there are other reasons to consider this kind of thing very carefully.

I could respond to this but I'd rather share the words of commenter "M. Alton:"

Note to "Not amused" I am on the board of a not-for-profit daycare, which is exceptional in its delivery of not only good, safe care, with playtime, but also education. Housed in a public school, almost all of the children graduate to grade 1 knowing addition, subtraction, and, if not reading, then the alphabet and how words fit together. I am always surprised at not only the under-estimation of children's abilities but the disdain that the public-school teachers in our school give our ECE educated staff. By properly instituting early education in caring environments we could give all kids a better start. We could relieve the most incredible stress on parents - knowing that our children are safe - while we work, which, please, most of us need to do. The 500 million out of the pockets of taxpayers is much better spent educating our children than the billions spent bailing out auto manufacturers.

September

I want to tell you all the things I've always believed about the start of school. That I've written about numerous times as a parenting editor and writer.

I want to share the fervent belief I've held that the first of September is the real New Year. That it cleans the floor with January 1st, whipping it soundly with its beautiful weather, sense of possibility and fall fashions. How compared to the consumer hangover of darkest New Year's Day, the beginning of September and the start of school hold all the promise of new routines, countless dreams of skills we may acquire, harvest menus we'll plan, and leaf-crunching walks in the park. That from summer's lazier and less-structured days, our lives - and our families - will come into their true shape, and anything will be possible.

While it may be the kids who go back to school, it's always seemed to me that anyone is entitled to the satisfaction of a new box of pencils (hell, a box with a pencil skirt could do the job nicely as well). We send our children back to the classroom, perhaps stumbling under the girth of out-sized backpacks, but sporting new shoes, haircuts and shiny faces. A little stunned that summer is over, they may be, but nonetheless riding a wave of good esteem, nervous energy and snazzy sneakers.

Whether I had a new baby on my hip or a job to get to, I've always tried to hold on to the sense of renewal and possibility I felt with the arrival of the school year. Who knew how many yoga classes I'd get to, goals I'd meet or dinner parties I'd throw. Maybe I'd pen a book pitch or just wear something cable knit and feel delicious.

Surprising, then, a year ago to find life unraveling like a cheap sweater. A marriage coming apart, my father dying a death none of us could comprehend (lung cancer in a non-smoking marathon runner), this was not a season of happy possibility and enriching extra-curricular activity. Beneath a veneer of work-place productivity and family business - nights punctuated by a wakeful one-year-old - was a life I didn't recognize.

The first-born daughter, the one who does everything in the right order, certainly doesn't fail at marriage, you see. The healthy, hard-working Norwegian doesn't kick-it from a smoker's disease. And a parenting editor, for Christ's sake, certainly doesn't find herself signing the kids up for a lifetime of "who's-got-me-this-weekend?" How's that for a grief and guilt sandwich?

But then I'm smart enough to know that every life has its seasons of discontent. That it throws two or three biggies at you at once because it just does. That we can go from owning the crisp fall morning to falling right over. And that, little by little, while the psyche resists, we can put together something that begins to feel like a new normal.

Hitting a bump once more at exactly this time of year, when I want to reclaim myself, is a gift, I guess, even if it's wrapped in fish paper. The job is to fall in love again with September. To imagine things that will feel right. And to own my old New Year.

Cute kid quote of the day

Alister, 2, on his new wheeled backpack:

"My OWN soupcase."