September

I want to tell you all the things I've always believed about the start of school. That I've written about numerous times as a parenting editor and writer.

I want to share the fervent belief I've held that the first of September is the real New Year. That it cleans the floor with January 1st, whipping it soundly with its beautiful weather, sense of possibility and fall fashions. How compared to the consumer hangover of darkest New Year's Day, the beginning of September and the start of school hold all the promise of new routines, countless dreams of skills we may acquire, harvest menus we'll plan, and leaf-crunching walks in the park. That from summer's lazier and less-structured days, our lives - and our families - will come into their true shape, and anything will be possible.

While it may be the kids who go back to school, it's always seemed to me that anyone is entitled to the satisfaction of a new box of pencils (hell, a box with a pencil skirt could do the job nicely as well). We send our children back to the classroom, perhaps stumbling under the girth of out-sized backpacks, but sporting new shoes, haircuts and shiny faces. A little stunned that summer is over, they may be, but nonetheless riding a wave of good esteem, nervous energy and snazzy sneakers.

Whether I had a new baby on my hip or a job to get to, I've always tried to hold on to the sense of renewal and possibility I felt with the arrival of the school year. Who knew how many yoga classes I'd get to, goals I'd meet or dinner parties I'd throw. Maybe I'd pen a book pitch or just wear something cable knit and feel delicious.

Surprising, then, a year ago to find life unraveling like a cheap sweater. A marriage coming apart, my father dying a death none of us could comprehend (lung cancer in a non-smoking marathon runner), this was not a season of happy possibility and enriching extra-curricular activity. Beneath a veneer of work-place productivity and family business - nights punctuated by a wakeful one-year-old - was a life I didn't recognize.

The first-born daughter, the one who does everything in the right order, certainly doesn't fail at marriage, you see. The healthy, hard-working Norwegian doesn't kick-it from a smoker's disease. And a parenting editor, for Christ's sake, certainly doesn't find herself signing the kids up for a lifetime of "who's-got-me-this-weekend?" How's that for a grief and guilt sandwich?

But then I'm smart enough to know that every life has its seasons of discontent. That it throws two or three biggies at you at once because it just does. That we can go from owning the crisp fall morning to falling right over. And that, little by little, while the psyche resists, we can put together something that begins to feel like a new normal.

Hitting a bump once more at exactly this time of year, when I want to reclaim myself, is a gift, I guess, even if it's wrapped in fish paper. The job is to fall in love again with September. To imagine things that will feel right. And to own my old New Year.

The end of Supermom?

Bad is the new good. That's the tag line on one of my favourite blogs, Her Bad Mother, Catherine Conner's raw, irreverent and honest look at what the front-lines of motherhood really look and feel like on both bad days and good.

Catherine is one of the subjects interviewed in today's feature by family issues reporter Andrea Gordon, Bringing up baby badly on purpose, which is actually better described by the subhead: Tired of impossible standards, moms and dads embrace 'bad' parent label with relief.

Of course, Catherine and bloggers like her are using the term 'bad' with tongues planted firmly in cheeks. They represent a backlash that's been far too long in coming. With the dawn of "attachment parenting" and an explosion in psycho-social research on the importance of the early years, the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction from our parents' benign playpen neglect. That has us arriving — unhappily, I think — at this place where every decision (pacifier or no pacifier, organic or just hormone-free, gymboree or baby-signing class, Montesorri or Waldorf) seems to require weeks of research and nights of teeth-gnashing. Plunk your baby in the swing so you can eat a sandwich? Heavens no! That's a "baby container" where your child's brain surely will atrophy faster than you can call the pharmacist to ask for a refill on your anti-depressants.

Among the first to speak up about this nonsense was Judith Warner, author of the book Perfect Madness, which chronicled the NY Times writer's startled reaction to the intentioned, anxiety-soaked "too muchness" she observed among her parenting cohorts in the Washington suburb she moved to after starting her family in France. Warner (who now writes, among other things, a blog called Domestic Disturbances for the nytimes.com) asked us to consider why everything from planning birthday parties to getting kids vaccinated had become minefields where every step was an opportunity to sentence our children to lifetime of psychotherapy.

This backlash of "bad" parent bloggers (because, really, is anyone with it enough to blog about parenting also a crack-head who turns tricks while the kids watch Treehouse?) operate from the position that since we all need therapy anyway, perhaps we can go easy on ourselves for losing it every once in a while, or for ordering pizza instead of making it, or for simply JUST NOT LOVING every single minute of caring for our darling offspring.

Please check out the story, comment if you feel so inspired, and then please take the poll on the parentcentral.ca home page (scroll to bottom left).

And maybe if you'd rather have a margarita this weekend instead of assembling that Lego Death Star, perhaps you can tell the kids to just go play outside. Maybe bring out this old chestnut from our own childhoods: "You'll have FUN once you get out there."

Is your pantry ready for lice?

A good friend of mine wrote to me this morning in some horror that her daughter has contracted a bit of a case of head lice. (I guess, really, there is no "bit of a case of lice." That would be like being a little bit pregnant. If your kid has them you have to go through the whole comb-out hassle whether you've spotted one of the unholy little organisms or dozens and dozens of their wretched nits.)

My friend is actually not that squeamish about de-lousing, but she is surprised her daughter contracted lice given that their fairly cautious approach to coat-room hat swaps and the like.

The real tragedy here is that in order to do the comb-out, my foodie friend had to do use the fancy, kibbutz-grown and pressed olive oil that she carted - at some expense to her carry-on capacity and spine - back from a recent trip to Israel. Just think of the salads that will go undressed because of this unfortunate lack of planning.

The moral of this story is not to fret too much about toques and scarves. There's virtually no hope of preventing your child from getting lice when they're hunched over the sand table in February. Just be prepared and have some really, really unvirginal olive oil - the kind pressed in Haliburton instead of Haifa, for instance -  on hand to deal when it's your turn.

One week until Halloween!

I drove home with a kick-butt jack-o'-lantern belted into my front passenger seat.

Funny thing was, I found myself doing that arm thing that parents do when they have to stop suddenly. You know, where the right arm just juts out in front of the person - whether seven or 70, or actually a bag of groceries (or just a single giant vegetable) - as if somehow that was going to make the critical difference in the event of a collision?

But seriously, this is a special jack-o'-lantern. Toronto Star Living section designer, and resident pumpkin expert, Jo-Ann Dodds, created it for the video we just posted on how to carve a cool pumpkin. Lucky for me and my two boys, Jo-Ann kindly gave it to us to enjoy for the week. As long as we can keep it safe from racoons in our enclosed porch - and provided the weather stays cool - the jack-o'-lantern will be fresh to impress on Halloween.

The video is just part of the great offerings on parentcentral's fun Halloween Guide.

If you haven't seen the pumpkin stencils yet, make sure you download them this weekend.

The weather is perfect for a family outing to a pumpkin patch. Not sure where to go? Check out Patrick Cain's cool map of GTA area pumpkin farms.

And while many of us may start out with great visions of imaginative pumpkinscapes framing our front doorways, when push comes to shove, hollowing out pumpkins is kind of time-consuming. If Thursday comes and you have find yourself with more pumpkins than patience, try these simple mess-free approaches to pumpkin decoration. I'm counting on the toilet paper "mummy" idea to get me out of carving one of our beast-like gourds.

Don't get me wrong. Halloween is really fun when you've got kids, and I'm looking forward to preparing this weekend and in the days ahead. If I get REALLY motivated, I just might make a batch of popcorn balls using my granddad's secret recipe. We'll see.

Attention shutterbugs: This contest is for you!

Oh, come on. Admit it. You took 972 photos at the pumpkin patch this weekend.

Yes, it would be a little embarrassing if you were the only one snapping away as junior looks at pumpkins, sits on pumpkins, sits on a hay bale, sits on a hay wagon, rides a pony, rides his parents for ice cream cone, etc. But you're not.

And chances are you took some pretty great pictures of your kids at Halloween last year, or you will at the Halloween festivities over the next ten days.

This is your chance to share —and possibly to win. Enter our "Click to Win Contest", sponsored by Henry's, and you could win a Nikon D40 camera. All the better for capturing memories over the coming holiday season. Plus, your photo could be shown in our Halloween photo gallery. Get all the details here and the rules and regulations here.

Full disclosure: I took about a hundred photos of my two boys jumping in a pile of leaves on Saturday, and I have hundreds more from Halloween last year. Ditto this year's outings to the Brickworks Farmer's Market, Thanksgiving and our summer trip to Sandbanks. (It might have been a two-night trip to Prince Edward County, but based on the size of the Facebook album, you'd think it was a fortnight in the south of France.)

So don't be shy. Share your photos soon!

High school daze

It was interesting to read the comments on Kristin Rushowy's weekend story about a Toronto high school that plans to shift its start time to 10 a.m. beginning in September 2009.

The pilot project is a response to research that shows that teens experience a circadian shift that means they fall asleep at adult-like bedtimes (quite a bit later, in many cases) but still require child-like amounts of sleep. Couple this with a socio-economic reality that plenty of teens hold part-time jobs in the evening, and it all adds up to bleary eyes and poor attention in the early morning hours.

Response ranged from supportive to indignant. Some felt this was a practical solution that acknowledges advances in what we know about teen brain physiology, not to mention, just plain good sense. Others suggested that giving in to the lazy ways of teens, so to speak, would worsen the work-ethic problems that some feel are already endemic among Gen-Y workers. One even went as far as to say that graduates from Eastern Commerce would go on his "do not hire" list.

It could be argued that resisting this change on the grounds of "we've always done it this way" is akin to holding on to hazing rituals or 24-hour shifts for medical residents, even though both are acknowledged as unwise. I'm looking forward to seeing what teachers, students - and ultimately - test results, will have to say about the program's success. Stay tuned!

Your Halloween helper

Green grocers are stocked with pumpkins. Costume shops are selling out of vampire teeth. Bags of candy line the drug-store shelves. Waistlines are under threat.

Yes, it is Halloween time again. With Thanksgiving out of the way, there's no denying the spooky season has arrived.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Halloween is — apparently — the second-biggest season in terms of consumer spending (after Christmas). Yes, it can get a little crazy-competitive — with Martha Stewart-esque pumpkin wreaths, $100 costumes and the battle of a thousand cupcakes. But if you can set aside any ambivalence you may feel about that aspect — you've got to admit, there's no time for like it for kids — and their parents, too!

No other holiday is geared just to having fun. There's virtually no family obligation. On Halloween you can (usually) get away with just emailing the grandparents a photo or 17. There's no bird to baste and, compared to Christmas, virtually no shopping. No airports. No long car rides. No weeks-long party circuit.

The anticipation, though, is almost as delicious as waiting to see what Santa will put under the tree. And the rule-bending that the Hallowed Eve brings just doesn't get duplicated the rest of the year. On Halloween, the kids are in charge (well, at least we can let them think that). THEY decide who they're going to be. THEY get to stay up until "grown-up bedtime." THEY get to eat enough candy to make themselves sick.

Getting ready for the big night can take a little prep, though, and you'll be able to make the most of the Halloween season if you check out our new Halloween Guide. If you like to decorate for this cool occasion, you'll want to check out the special section on our sister site, yourhome.ca, as well.

On the parentcentral.ca Halloween page, you'll find safety tips, the dish on costume trends, craft ideas and inspiration for Halloween parties. Check back often, because we're always adding more.

And if you share your favourite Halloween pics, you'll have a chance to win a Nikon D40 Camera, courtesy of Henry's camera shop (plus your little Batman or Hannah Montana could get their mug on parentcentral.ca). Get contest details here.

Enjoy the festivities!

Take your kids to the polls

Today is a great day to tune your kids into current affairs and instill a sense of excitement and responsibility about voting.

As a busy parent, casting your vote can seem like a bit of a herculean effort. In Ontario, the polls aren't open early enough for most desk jockeys like me to get there before work. And after work, many of us face either risking being late for daycare pickup or hauling hungry kids along with us to the polls. I've been there myself, dragging a crying three-year-old who was having random attacks of "something in my eye," which required steady pressure with a cold compress.

Voting day aside, the campaign period brings politics to life for kids. Walking to school past all the lawn signs, Cameron, now five, sagely tells his dad, "It's either going to be Peggy Nash or the other guy."

The most important thing part is getting there to cast your ballot tonight, of course, and you should talk to your children about going to the polls whether you decide to take them along or not ("I'm going to get home a little later tonight because I've got to vote."). But if your child can come with you, that's even better. Make a big deal out of it, and encourage them to help you hand your ballot to the Elections Canada person. If it's in the budget, take a shortcut and make some ceremony out of voting at the same time — order a pizza or pick up some deli favourites as part of the celebration of election night. Make popcorn and watch the results come in - well, that part's for mom and dad. In Ontario, most kids are in bed before any results are tabulated.

I'm voting on my way home tonight, and we're going to have election brownie sundaes at our house tonight after Cameron goes to the polls with his dad. (I'm making it sound a little like this democratic exercise is one big excuse for junk food, aren't I?) Whatever you do — and however you feel about the outcome — I hope you have a great election day with your kids.

Thanksgiving in tumultuous times

I've been procrastinating at writing this post all week.

Thanksgiving is normally my favourite holiday. Take all the feasting and family time of Christmas. Subtract the heady holiday-party schedule and the toy catalogues and the trumped-up expectations and the credit-card debt. Swap icy roads with crisp autumn air. Add leaf-crunching family hikes, harvest vegetables and cable-knit sweaters. That's Thanksgiving.

And far more important than the aesthetic, of course, is Thanksgiving's simple M.O. - to give us the time to reflect on all that we have.

Much has been made this week of finding a way to be thankful, even as our stock markets are plunging and our financial situations are made precarious. These stories offer some welcome perspective from all the teeth-gnashing, speculation, worst-case scenarios and self-fulfilling prophecies of the meltdown. Particularly for parents whose stock-ticker stresses might be distracting from Thanksgiving's lessons in gratitude, some of which we have on parentcentral.ca, these are a good reminder.

But the thing is, my family -- immediate and extended -- is having the kind of year that makes a battered retirement fund seem like small (oven-roasted) potatoes. Every family has years like this, and I can think of people around me who are dealing with far worse. Still, 2008 hasn't been a banner year, and as a result, I don't really care about how my RRSPs are doing. I feel grateful that I have two healthy kids and a roof over my head (not to mention the luxury of having an RRSP). Yes, I'm going to endeavour to waste less money in case one of us loses a job, but I'm focussed more on the happiness of the people in my life -- and of making the most of our time together -- than I am on the bank statement.

This is all sounding terribly earnest for a cynical journalist, but it's where I'm at. I hope that if your world has been spinning a little out-of-control this year, or even this week, that you'll find what it takes to have a great Thanksgiving.

School stress

When you look at what you've got on your plate (kids, work, committees, house, garden, food, bills, aging parents, carpooling, Scholastic book orders, salvaging marriage, etc., etc.), compared to your child (school, playdates, colouring, gymnastic, Lego, park, snack,  TV, and so on), naturally, you're going pick yourself as the more stressed individual.

Of course, we know and accept that teens experience all kinds of pressures, but through our grown-up lenses, the life of younger kids can seem pretty sweet and simple. It's easy to forget that they have their own real-life worries, or to dismiss the ones they express as inconsequential.

Sadly, my confident and fun-loving five-year-old seems to be at that age when the notion of peer acceptance dawns, and sometimes that manifests in the oddest ways. It would still never occur to him to be embarrassed by his own nudity, but if a new T-shirt is too big he might say,  "That's so embarassing." When he hurt himself for the third time in short-succession yesterday (an unhappy trifecta of slipping down the basement stairs, bonking his nose on an arm rest and stubbing his toe), he said, "Everyone will think I'm so silly for hurting myself three times." I mean, who cares what they think? And who would I tell? (Oops!) But it's as if, in his mind, his whole senior kindergarten class might get wind of this.

With the return of school and the adjustment to new routines and new relationships that it brings, Concerned Children's Advertisers offers these suggestions for helping children manage stress, however big or small.

• Anxiety about anything new is a normal experience. Share a situation from your

childhood in which you experienced anxiety as a way to let your child know you

understand what he or she is going through.

• Be open and available to talk with your child. Let your child know that you will

always find time to talk about what is going on in his or her life.

• Routines are important to your child’s level of comfort. Set a bedtime, homework

time, sharing time, play time and down time. Try to keep to the schedule as much as

possible.

• Communicate with those who influence your child’s life. As soon as you see

signs of stress, make an appointment to speak with your child’s teachers, coaches

and/or family doctor.

• Maintain important friendships. Reinforce how relationships with friends play an

important role in our lives. Take the initiative to set up play dates for your children with

a variety of their friends.

• Exercise appropriate strategies handling your own stress. Children are very

observant and watch how parents handle stressful situations. Be a good role model

as your child is likely to adopt the strategies you use to cope with stress.

• Eat Smart. A balanced diet, in accordance with Canada’s Food Guide to Healthy

Eating, provides the necessary fuel to nurture your child’s brain and body.

• Move More. Encourage your child to find a good balance between active and passive

activities. Sport, fitness and playtime do a lot to help reduce stress.

• Be Media Wise. Be aware of the content and amount of time in which your child

interacts with various media.

Speaking of stress, here's a story about a teen who has had plenty to deal with, and her quest to dispel myths about mental health.

And check out the passionate exchange happening between readers of this story on the school agenda with an unfortunate typo.