Goodbye Mommy Wars, hello Parenting Politics

Fifteen years ago, when I was at home with a baby and toddler, there was a curious creature in our neighbourhood, much admired for his bravery and frequently commented upon for his rareness. He was a stay-at-home dad.

This daddy did what the rest of us on mat leave or working part-time or at home with our kids did. He spent a lot of hours outside pushing a stroller, trailed by a kid on a tricycle. He packed up sippy cups and sunscreen and passed mornings standing at the bottom of the slide and admonishing two-year-olds not to throw sand. He wiped noses and kissed scraped knees and made grilled cheese and sang silly songs to avert meltdowns in the grocery store.

But there are some things I'm pretty sure he didn't do. Like frequent the moms and tots groups at the local churches. Or show up at the weekly coffee klatches in neighbourhood homes. Or phone up a friend in tears because he was going to lose his mind from the sleep deprivation and the drudgery and being locked in the house for two rounds of chickenpox. Because back then stay-at-home dads were pretty unusual and pretty much on their own.

Thank God - for the men, for the mothers and for the kids - that things have changed. Now you see a lot more dads in the playgrounds, the pediatrician's office, waiting for the school bus and on field trips. Fathers are rolling up their sleeves and doing much more than the traditional Daddy fare of coaching soccer. And coming across a stay-at-home dad is no longer like sighting a peregrine falcon.

But whether things have improved in the way of community support or social acceptance of active fathers is another story. According to Kerry Daly, director of the five-year research project called the Father Involvement Research Alliance (FIRA), not much.

Last week, midway through its mandate, FIRA reported that while dads are more involved with their kids than ever before, they still feel largely isolated, shut out and invisible in their roles. Sound familiar ladies? You can read more about FIRA's findings here.

So why, as the Mommy Wars debate rages on, with a new book on the subject popping up every month, are dads not part of the discussion? Unless it's to blame absentee fathers for kids who get into gangs and violence and other acting-out behaviours.

Why was the childcare debate during the recent federal election framed as a women's issue? Where are the dads and tots groups and the support networks to help dads manage work/family balance and avoid being "daddy-tracked?" Where are the classes to educate and encourage teen dads to get involved with their kids even if they don't live with them or are still in school and aren't employed?

Those are questions that FIRA is starting to answer, by coming up with programs and community services to help fathers across the board, whether they are new dads, immigrants, gay dads, divorced or separated men, aboriginal dads, teen fathers or men who have kids with special needs.

But Daly says they need a vote of confidence from spouses and extended families too. Because even when fathers are the primary caregivers, they frequently don't feel they have centre stage or that they are doing things well enough. When it comes to childrearing, the long history of Mother Knows Best still prevails. Or at the very least, that Daddy should do it Mommy's way.

"I think we’ve deceived ourselves a little bit in talking about parents as if they are fully interchangeable," says Daly. Moms and dads have their own approaches, styles and traditions when it comes to being a parent. And both are important to the whole family.

So, henceforth on this blog, there's no more "Mommy Wars" category. Instead, we will talk about "Parenting Politics." The issues - whether it's childcare or at-home parents - is never just about the moms.

With that in mind, I've also added to the blogroll. The prolific Rebel Dad, who blogs about the personal and political world of stay-at-home fathers, is a must-read for both parents. So is Elizabeth at Half-Changed World, who writes with insight about work, social policy, books and the big picture, but through the lens of parenthood.

Happy reading moms and dads.

Comments

[Jamie Wilson-Hull]

I love your entries, Andrea! BRAVA!

The Stay-At-Home-Dads are another area where Society has not caught up with the times.

Roles have changed, there are fewer lines between genders now, but there are those who will still keep those lines. As the generations change, so will the lines of thinking. With each generation, there comes a little watering down on those lines. I'm seeing it even in my own daughter's thinking.

Still a lot of "growth" that needs to be done and a lot of old "biases" that need to be tossed out a window somewhere and never looked back upon!

It'll happen in time and with writers like you, putting those issues out and into the public to view and dissect. Let's just hope that it's sooner rather than later.

[chip]

thanks for remembering us dads! As a former SAHD myself, these "mommy war" books and articles drive me crazy, because they frame things in a way that cannot deal with the fact that lots of dads do lots of parenting, either as SAHDs or as Go-To-Work-Dads who downsize career in order to spend time with kids and family.

I personally tell any dad I know that if he can stay at home full time, he should go for it, it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life! And now that my daughter is 15 I only wish I could have stayed at home longer.

[Elizabeth]

Thanks for the kind words.