Mourning Pluto

So size does matter.

After all these years, it turns out the message track was wrong. You know, all that stuff we tell our kids: good things come in small packages, it's what's on the inside that counts, big isn't necessarily better, no child left behind. Yadda yadda. All just so many flaming balls of intergalactic gas I guess.

Poor petite Pluto. You did not deserve this. Surely after 76 years of floating around in circles, any respectable ball of rock and ice has earned the right to some job security.

And now, to be so callously tossed aside. Rendered a dwarf. Don't those pointy-headed astronomers know anything about the promise that lies within any runt of the litter? Why, just think what would have happened if E.B. White had possessed that kind of attitude. Our beloved Wilbur would have been smoked meat.

What next, one has to wonder. No doubt they're feeling more than a little twitchy today over in P.E.I. And look out, Lake Erie. Because when it comes to greatness, you're not really in the same league as Superior or Huron. I'm trying not to worry about that bottom line of the treble clef either. Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge indeed. Don't go thinking you're safe just because generations of kids have relied on absurd sentences to memorize you.

In our house, I'm happy to report that Pluto's demotion was greeted with the appropriate outrage. There hasn't been so much yelling at the TV since Zinedine's headbutt.

"What! No way! How can they do that?" exclaimed one irate teenager, upon catching a preview for the 11 o'clock news. He refused to change the channel until the promised item was eventually broadcast.

Think of the repercussions. (And I don't just mean having to trash a bunch of pieces from our five-foot-long solar system floor puzzle.) As another clan member put it: "This is big. Almost as big as when we went to metric. It'll take decades to get used to it."

Poor poor Pluto. Scientists be damned. There should always be room for the small guys.

Oh, and was it my imagination, or were the three hulking teenagers at my place going out of their way to be a little more patient with the 67-pound younger brother . . .

The blame game

They're calling it denial. Delusion. Wishful thinking.

Or, as Canadian Medical Association president Ruth Collins-Nakai put it, a parental tendency to view our kids "through rose-coloured glasses."

The CMA is one of two organizations in the last week to take aim at parents for having their heads in the sand when it comes to the health, attitudes and behaviour of their offspring. A survey conducted for the CMA by Statistics Canada found that more than one-quarter of Canadian kids are overweight or obese, but that only nine per cent of parents say their kids have weight issues.

And while only 6 per cent gave the overall health of children a ranking of "A," at least 40 per cent awarded that mark to their own kids.

"What we found is parents seem to be looking at the health of their own children through rose-coloured glasses," said Collins-Nakai. "As a specialist in cardiac care for both children and adults, I have a very real fear we are killing our children with kindness by setting them up for a lifetime of inactivity and poor health."

In the U.S. last week, a study by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University concluded that parents of teens are clueless when it comes to adolescent attitudes and what their kids are up to with drugs, alcohol and other risky behaviours.

The survey found that one-third of American teens questioned had attended parties where parents were at home while alcohol or illegal drugs were used. And it suggested that parents didn't sanction the behaviour - rather, they were oblivious to it. The study also found that while 27 per cent of teens identified drugs and alcohol as their biggest concern, only 12 per cent of parents saw it as a problem.

“Teen drinking and drugging is a parent problem," said CASA chairman Joseph Califano Jr. "Too many parents fail to fulfill their responsibility to chaperone their kids’ parties. They have no idea how drug- and alcohol-infested their teens’ world is. The denial, self-delusion and lack of awareness of these parental palookas put their children at enormous risk of drinking and using illegal and prescription drugs.”

Some pretty harsh words. And understandable why health care experts would be using tough talk to make sure the media picks up the message. But is it fair to draw these conclusions and point the finger at parents based on a couple of surveys?

The reasons for rising obesity and declining physical activity among children are complex, ranging from inadequate community recreation programs for latchkey kids to the mass marketing of junk food and videogames by corporations who make their billions by peddling this stuff to kids. Other numbers in the CMA survey suggest parents are well aware of mounting health threats to the next generation. Ninety-two per cent of those surveyed support mandatory phys. ed in schools, 87 per cent favour curriculum on the benefits of physical activity and healthy eating, 81 per cent want junk foods out of vending machines and two-thirds would like tax breaks on the purchase of healthy foods. It goes without saying that these are values that also have to be instilled at home.

When it comes to teen behaviour, I think this Washington Post article on "toxic parents" probably reflects more of the real truth about where many parents are at - trying to walk the line between rules and reality. The story (and it's a very long one) looks at the dynamics between "cool" parents who knowingly host drinking and drugging parties and in some cases, party right along with the kids, versus stricter parents who believe in rules and supervision and feel undermined by what goes on in other homes. Not surprisingly, many of the teens interviewed at the end say they don't want parents to be their friends and have much more respect for those who set boundaries than the ones who try to be cool and permissive.

Do you think parents are in denial about their children's health and behaviour?

The Babysitting Hall of Fame

With apologies to Carly Simon, I would definitely sit by the phone for Jesse. In fact I have. Many times. Just crossing my fingers he'd return my call and say he was available.

Jesse looked after my boys. For one whole summer, and then occasional evenings and after-school stints. To call him a babysitter is kind of like calling Roger Clemens a guy who plays catch. Jesse is the superstar of babysitters. The kind of guy you dream about when you have a crop of brawling, wriggling, snakes 'n' snails and puppy dog tails kind of offspring to keep busy. A fellow who's more fun than a giant ferris wheel in the dark, more engaging than pulling the wings off flies.

Was, I should say. Jesse was in university then, but now he's all grown up, goes to work Monday to Friday and even wears a suit. He dropped by the other day. Helped himself to some fruit, compared notes on the best Simpsons episodes, surveyed the recent home repairs. It reminded us all of the good old days, when morning didn't truly begin until you could hear the clomp of his big feet on the stairs as he hauled his bike onto the front porch.

In the dying days of summer, when patience and ideas tend to run short, allow me to fondly recall some of Jesse's legendary and no-cost activities:

• Word of the day: Every morning, each kid got a word. Either Jesse or the dictionary explained what it meant and then they had to practise using it a few times. By day's end, if they still remembered it, they won. No prize or anything. They just won. That was enough to keep them interested. This explains why the youngest, then 7, started using phrases like "I'm just being facetious" at the dinner table. Once, when this same child ran too close to home plate and the tip of the bat caught him in the cheek, the next morning's word of the day was hematoma. Don't they call that a teachable moment?
• Get to know your community: This includes the cemetery (on foot or bikes or scooters), the fire station, even the mother's workplace. But the undisputed favourite was the tour of the local police station, including the inside of prisoners' cells. Who knew you could actually do such a thing? Well Jesse did. He phoned in advance and set it up and the kids still talk about it.
• Celebrating the animal kingdom: Mostly, this involved weekly visits to Jesse's friend with the snake. Not sure what kind. But it was big. And hungry, with the kind of appetite that involved small rodents. I never wanted to know more than that. But little boys love this stuff. When the reptile was unavailable for viewings, they took the subway to the pet store to gaze longingly at the puppies and whistle at the birds and learn the difference between guppies and goldfish.
• Crunching numbers: One evening I arrived home post-bedtime to the sound of little voices upstairs. They sat cross-legged on their bedroom floor, eyes fixed on the mirrored closet doors, which Jesse had covered with math problems and upon which he was frantically scribbling down the answers they shouted out. Wish I could say I had thought of this clever way to employ Crayola window markers. Also wish I could say they still resist bedtime in favour of doing math.

It's sad Jesse has moved on. But his example lingers. Along with our hopes that his once-upon-a-time young charges will follow it.

Strength in numbers

Toronto street youth worker Tim Huff refuses to generalize about the homeless teens he has been reaching out to for the last 20 years. But he will tell you there is one absolute truth that applies to all of them. Each has their own unique story, says Huff, director of Light Patrol, an outreach agency operated by Youth Unlimited.

That may sound simplistic, but it's important to remember. Because when kids run away, both they and their families are often subject to fierce judgments from outsiders about what has gone wrong: that the kids are "bad;" that they are drug-addled or lazy or ungrateful; or their parents are neglectful, abusive or don't care about them.

A story in the most recent Health section of the Star looks at the phenomenon of kids who take off and the many reasons for it, from mental illness to problems at school. And at the anguish of one bewildered parent desperately trying to find the troubled daughter she loves.

But there's one thing I wish it had included that I'll tell you about now - information about a support group for parents of acting-out teens. The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario is a network of parents who help each other develop strategies for dealing with disruptive adolescents. The 15 chapters across the province offer regular meetings, workshops and resources. But most importantly, parents in crisis can get insight and encouragement from others who have been through it, says Shelley Katz, a group leader for the Mississauga chapter and an APSGO member for 11 years.

"One of the most common things we deal with is the child who runs away and comes home again and the parent who wishes help in negotiating a return," she says.

Trying to keep a teen at home while insisting they respect certain house rules can be a tricky line for parents to walk and a perfect recipe for ugly power struggles. APSGO takes the approach that if teenagers become part of the rule-making process and are treated like responsible members of the family, a lot of fights and problems can be avoided, Katz explains.

In October, an APSGO conference will feature Toronto psychologist and brain scientist Dr. Ron Clavier, an event worth marking on your calendars. Clavier is the author of the 2005 book Teen Brain, Teen Mind, which is chock full of realistic, respectful and sensible strategies for building a strong relationship with your adolescent, and the first book I turn to as a mother of teens.

Check out the APSGO website or call their 24-hour information line at 1-800-488-5666.

NO, summer is not over

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go AWOL for so many days. It was not the plan. Yes, there was some delicious holiday time somewhere in there. Then kids coming and going, a long weekend, an out-of-town visitor and newspaper deadlines to meet. The result being a dreadful breach of blog etiquette. My bad.

Just because it's been awhile though, don't go thinking that I'm over my earlier grumpiness about what's currently on display in store windows across the city. You'd think that by now I might have gotten used to the grossly premature back-to-school marketing blitz that I whined about last month (before the summer was half over). Nope. And it doesn't help that two press kits about Christmas products just landed on my desk. At least I'm not the only one who's irritated. Check out this great rant.

But how comforting it was this week - amid the piles of back-to-school inserts falling out of the newspapers - to come across this intelligent approach to helping your kids prepare for September. It's written by Karen Sencich, one of the most practical and helpful folks I've ever come across. (Scroll down her Havoc to Harmony website until you find the entry called "The New Year.") Sencich, who has two kids and a flourishing business as a professional organizer, distinguishes herself by being grounded in reality rather than perfectionism when it comes to dispensing advice. In other words, she thinks like a mom.

Her take on back-to-school is NOT about buying jean jackets or Dora lunchbags or Crayola markers. Instead of tips for heading to the mall and opening your wallet, Sencich gets at the heart of what the dog days of summer should really be about: helping kids prepare mentally and emotionally for the transition. That could mean gently prepping a Grade 1 child for her first experience of recess by visiting the schoolyard, taking a test run of the public transit route to middle school, or teaching a teen the finer points of laundry to prepare for dormitory living. But as Sencich notes, there are plenty of ways to do that without spoiling what's left of August or wishing the summer away:

"Don’t make a big deal about all of this or add to the hysteria of the 'back to school hype.' I’m suggesting that you subtly integrate these life lessons into your daily routine. Everyone will benefit."

Now there's a back-to-school message worth listening to.