Scarier than ghosts

Ready for your Halloween fright? Check out this column by Ellen Goodman about what girls are choosing to dress up as this season. Best summed up by the headline in today's National Post: "Halloween's parade of sluts."

Apparently the costumes of choice for today's modern girl and woman include "Hottie Little Red Riding Hood" featuring a bustier and boots, Biker Chick, Blushing Bride, Naughty Housewife and French Maid. In other words, outfits designed with a "less is more" approach.

Should we be surprised? Especially given the hypersexualized messages from this Girls Gone Wild, Brazilian waxed, release-your-inner-stripper-in-fitness-class culture? It was only two seasons ago that I wrote about a run on "pimp and ho" costumes for the aged 4 and up set. Some people were enraged. Today that kind of stuff barely warrants a shrug.

But Goodman's most compelling point is about how the porn-star culture is so often flaunted as "a matter of choice" by the post-feminist generation. She compares this reasoning to the arguments used by Muslim women in Britain fighting for freedom to wear the full head veils there that would be imposed on them in a fundamentalist country. Or as she puts it:

Have you also noticed how many women believe they are making their own choices when they are actually caught in a cultural vise?

It's a question plumbed recently by Ariel Levy in her engaging and intelligent book Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. Levy's exploration of the whole skank-as-empowerment trend is a must-read for parents (of girls AND boys) or anyone else who cares about how pop culture is shaping the next generation.

For tips on guiding your daughter through a culture where the phrase "girl power" has been co-opted by marketers to mean the power to shop and attract boys, look for Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown's new book Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters from Marketers' Schemes.

What are the girls you know dressing up as tonight?

Less talk, more action please

The following also appears in the Life Section of today's Toronto Star, as part of a regular monthly column.

The old adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is something we hear bandied about frequently these days. Along with similar messages from politicians about the importance of family and that children are our future. The sentiments are wonderful. What’s lacking is the follow-through.

I stumbled on yet another systemic problem – one that works against kids - earlier this month in the course of researching the field of adolescent health care. The teen years are a huge development period and a high-risk one too because kids are vulnerable to many risks and influences. An adolescent medicine physician trained to provide both medical and psychological care can make a huge difference.

Yet adolescent medicine, a flourishing field in the U.S., is not even recognized as an accredited sub-specialty of pediatrics in Canada. What’s more, those who take several years of additional training to care for teens may end up making less income because of the way the billing system works. In other words, beyond the passion for the job, there’s no incentive to specialize in this important area.

It’s the same in child psychiatry. More training equals less income. As a result, at a time when mental illness is a leading worldwide health concern and increasing at an alarming rate among children, only about 10 new child psychiatrists enter the field in Canada each year. Social workers and counselors who work in children’s mental health centres are overworked and underpaid. Children and youth with depression, bipolar or behavioural disorders wait months for help.

In the school system, budget cuts over the past decade have hindered teachers and kids in the classroom. But just as important are the sharp reductions in guidance counselors, youth counselors and social workers, which has hurt struggling children, troubled youth and families across the board. A conference in Ottawa last week looked at how research shows an important link between mental health and the arts. And yet music and art are now practically a luxury in most of our public schools.

And then there’s child care. After years of dogged lobbying for the basic right to some decent accessible options, parents are no further ahead. Those who work still have to steel themselves for long searches, high costs and long wait lists. Considering the importance of the job they do, childcare workers are vastly underpaid. And the huge need for after-school care during that crucial 3:30 to 6 p.m. window hardly gets any notice.

In today’s world we have more baby gear than ever before. Retailers are engaged in non-stop marketing campaigns aimed at kids. They want us to buy the message that this is a world enraptured with babies and children. Modern moms can take yoga with their babies, ferry their kids to advanced hiphop for 10-year-olds, or get a tutor before they even start kindergarten. But underneath all that commerce is a lot that doesn’t look too child-friendly.

With a municipal election campaign underway, a provincial election set for next year and a federal Liberal leadership race dominating the headlines, now is a good time to start asking the tough questions. And to try and get a glimpse of the real priorities that lie behind the apple pie rhetoric.

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Hit the Motherlode: Grab the diaper bag, clear the deck at work and prepare to head downtown this week if Mom’s your name or parenting issues are your passion.

There’s a special kind of conference taking place and it touches on just about every issue you can think of related to motherhood. Called “Motherlode,” it runs this Thursday through Sunday at the Courtyard Marriott Hotel in downtown Toronto.

It’s unique because where else would you see a keynote speaker step off the podium mid-speech to hoist a hungry babe to her breast and carry right on feeding as she resumes her address. It has happened at this annual event, where the gurgles of infants and the sight of babies crawling lickety-split across the floor are as much a feature as the studied reflections on feminism and mothering.

The conference, sponsored by York University’s Association for Research on Mothering (ARM), was started 10 years ago by professors Andrea O’Reilly and Nancy Mandell.

But O’Reilly says this year’s event takes it to a whole new level. It features 200 speakers from around the world on such diverse topics as teen mothers, raising bi-racial children, post-partum depression, mothering children with disabilities, and mommy blogs.

To O’Reilly, the increased attention reflects heightened interest in motherhood in the world at large. A new wave of moms are seeking recognition for the value of the work they do and they’re savvy about networking and marketing their message. New books are coming out every week, the number of parenting blogs has doubled in the last six months and googling “motherhood” gets you half a million entries.

“I am really sensing a shift, and I think we’re riding the wave of whatever it might be,” says O’Reilly.

You can register at Motherlode at the door or go online to check out the program and sign up. Cost is $20 per session but you can purchase a day pass or various packages.

Appreciating every child

At the end of a week in which there has been too much horror to contemplate, someone emailed me this link, which is definitely worth sharing. Click on the purple rectangle to see a short video - and welcome respite - called "Animal School."

It celebrates children, their diverse learning styles, their talents, both hidden and apparent, and the mysteries that lie within each one of them. It made me cry. Even more because the link was sent by a teacher.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Special moms

Amy Baskin and Heather Fawcett have much in common. They are mothers and longtime friends. They each have two girls. And they each have a child with special needs. Baskin's 13-year-old has autism, and Fawcett's daughter, 16, has Asperger Syndrome, also a neurobiological condition.

Over the years, Baskin and Fawcett have been to more than their share of conferences and meetings about raising kids with special needs. But despite the plentiful resources to help them support their children, find caregivers and advocate for more services, they were struck by a void. There was never anything aimed at helping parents care for themselves amid the huge demands and stress of it all.

"We knew even looking at ourselves and a lot of our friends with kids with special needs that there were common problems that just weren't getting talked about," Baskin, 47, said this week from her home in Guelph.

So the two decided to take matters into their own hands. The result is a book called More than a Mom: Living a Full and Balanced Life When Your Child Has Special Needs, published last June and available in your local bookstore. The pair also hold workshops to help mothers learn to pace themselves in what is typically a lifelong caregiving role. Find out more at the More Than a Mom website.

Baskin says roughly one in five families has a child with special needs, which may be a physical disability, a chronic health issue, mental illness, a behavioural problem, ADHD or a neurological condition like autism. For parents, and moms in particular because they are most often the primary caregivers, this has huge implications - on employment, finances, physical health, social lives and stress levels. It puts pressure on marriages, siblings and friendships. Demands can be overwhelming. As Baskin puts it "there is always something more you should be doing." But at some point, you have to say enough, while you take some time for yourself. Because if mom falls apart, she's no good to anyone.

"It's issues all women struggle with, but for us it's magnified 100 times."

More than a Mom breaks down the challenges into bite-sized chunks. It includes strategies for everything from negotiating with your employer, to grabbing 10 minutes a day of cardio to keep your energy levels up, and managing sleep and healthy nutrition. It explores ways to nurture marriage, siblings, and extended family. And it includes strategies on finances, work/life balance and advocating for special needs kids.

Equally important, the writers, who interviewed 500 special needs moms from across Canada and the U.S., also celebrate the children themselves, and their power to transform and enrich their families' lives. As one mother put it:

My daughter has shaped me to be a humble human. I can see the beauty in little things that so many of us take for granted. I learned to listen and read body language. I learned patience, love, and good humour. I learned to really live."

But as Baskin and Fawcett note in their introduction, it's hard to appreciate the gifts when you're in the middle of it all, feeling exhausted, afraid and lonely. That's why they stress the importance of moms not losing sight of themselves, hard as that may be. Because in the end, it's balance - of all relationships, dreams, careers or other goals - that keeps you going for your children.