The confines of cool

This post was updated to add the names of mom lit books I linked to.

The conference was called Motherlode. So it seems fitting that I required a period of gestation after it was all over, just to absorb the many thought-provoking presentations and discussions on motherhood that were featured.

Feminism, mom activism, why parents blog and whether dads can mother were just a few of the many topics covered at the four-day event held by York University's Association for Research on Mothering.

I'd like to talk about a few in this space over the next few days. Because though the conference is long over, the issues won't go away.

What better place to start than with Andi Buchanan and her talk on how "The Escalation of Cool" among modern mothers is just another way moms are being pressured to conform. You can read the whole presentation here on her blog.

One thing you should know about Buchanan is she's not afraid to tell it like it is. Or I should say, write it like it is. Three years ago, the Philadelphia writer broke ground with her book Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It, which didn't shy away from how scary and bone-numbingly exhausting and lonely new motherhood can be. And in doing so she warmed the hearts of others who found comfort knowing they were not the only ones feeling lost in a foreign land.

Mother Shock hit the book stores at the height of the so-called "intensive mothering" trend, when the prevailing middle-class notion of the "good mother" was one who happily immersed herself in pureeing prunes, writing her own lullaby lyrics and skin-to-skin contact with baby 24/7 - at the expense of her own identity. Buchanan dared to write the truth about her own ambivalence and the fact that while she adored her infant daughter, life was not all bliss and Kodak moments.

Fast forward to 2006 and suddenly, the downside of motherhood has come charging out of the closet and hijacked the mainstream media. Now, if we are to believe the latest spate of mom lit, it's de rigueur to favour litchi martinis with the girls over reading Dr. Seuss. (See books like Confessions of a Naughty Mommy, Peanut Butter, Playdates and Prozac and Mommies Who Drink to name a few. Or the recent rant by a mom in Britain's The Guardian (oops, the Daily Mail) under the headline "Sorry, but my children bore me to death!")

As Buchanan puts it, "if you aren't a bored mother, a depressed mother, an I-could-care-less mother, a mother who drinks, you are not a mother who is having an authentic experience."

Perhaps the glamourization of the "bad mom" is simply a natural overcorrection by those resisting the earlier pressure to hyperparent. But it still ticks Buchanan off. Because it's also just one more dangerous way of generalizing about the experience of motherhood. As she notes:

What does this mean for mothers who don't have this kind of "cool," "hip" experience - or whose actual experience of addiction and depression is not glamorous and trendy - and aren't they as excluded from the landscape as others were when there was a similarly non-diverse lens aimed at motherhood? And what does this say about the scarcity of our options when it comes to being a good mother?

Whining about motherhood sells. So does sniping. That's why books and newspapers fan the flames. They've done it with the increasingly irrelevant mommy wars between at-home and working moms (See Linda Hirshman, Caitlin Flanagan's To Hell With All That, Leslie Morgan Steiner's Mommy Wars, and Happy Housewives by Darla Shine). And now they're doing it with drinking, partying, naughty and unhappy mommies.

Why should we care? Because by polarizing mothers and turning them into cartoon characters, the authentic stories of the majority who fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum get lost.

You don't have to look far to see the trend is flourishing. The cover of Chatelaine's November issue pitches a story called "Why I Hate Breastfeeding,"  on the heels of an earlier article in defence of the "too posh to push" trend of Caesarean sections on demand.

But read this month's story and you find it's not an "anti-breastfeeding" story at all, or a motherhood whinge. Instead it's an important perspective from a woman who struggled through months of pain feeding her babies and felt abandoned and judged by those who should have been helping and encouraging her. So why the misleading headline?

Because as Buchanan points out, there's something juicy about the image of a bunch of mamas duking it out. Whether it's breast versus bottle, Caesarean versus natural childbirth, working versus stay-at-home, or cool and bored versus happy and matronly.

Shame really. Because it doesn't do most of us perched somewhere between the extremes much good.

Be cool by all means. Or don't be. But let's just stop pretending that one is superior to the other or any more legitimate.

Comments

[Dana]

I take great exception to your post. I read the book - I am an old fashioned traditional mom who does (did) breastfeed and I am NOT drinking, partying, naughty or unhappy. Did you even bother to read Happy Housewives, or are you a newspaper person that is obviously trying to capitalize on the same point you are criticizing - the mommy wars??? You have no basis for your post, obviously.

[Darla Shine]

You really should bother to actually read the books you comment on. You have no idea what you are talking about concerning my book Happy Housewives. The way you wrote your column it might suggest that I am telling women to drink, party, be naughty and unhappy. In fact Happy Housewives is all how a woman can be happy at home. That she can be proud of her role as full time mom. In my ten step program I teach women how they can still look great, have a strong marriage, keep their girlfriends, and reinvent themselves. The women who are fans of my book and members of my website know that they are smart women who can work part time, start their own home business, write books, and take the world by storm without giving their blood to an all male corporation who doesn't give a crap about a mother and her child. I have never contributed to the mommy wars. It is women like you who keep writing about it. I think women should join together and demand mom share programs, on site day care, quality health care, and longer family leave. The feminists should be fighting for that. And since the child care options at least here in the states are horrid and many people would almost slit your throat for you job, I chose to opt out of the rat race to raise my own children. God forbid someone suggests this is an acceptable position. I don't see any of the working mom authors getting the negative press I have. Yet, my book has done very well. This I guess is scary for the feminists. Too bad, I always considered myself a feminist. I guess they don't want me in their club. The secret is I enjoy my chance to be home with my children. I wrote my book for women who want to be proud to be home too. You should read it before you comment or lump me in with any other book or author. Guess what I have learned? You don't lose your brain when you are a full time mom.

Darla Shine, author of Happy Housewives

[Because I Said So]

Whoa there. Whoever said Happy Housewives had anything to do with the "escalation of cool" among mothers? This post was about how the latest wave of mom lit (books like Mommies Who Drink, Confessions of a Naughty Mommy, and Peanut Butter, Playdates and Prozac and articles like "Sorry, but my children bore me to death!") have made it fashionable to be bored and miserable in motherhood. Incidentally, I linked to all those books and articles in my post. If I understand your book correctly, (and yes, I've read it) "happy housewives" would be the opposite of the "cool mommies" we now constantly read about and the ones I'm referring to. In the one reference I made to Happy Housewives, it was cited as an example of a spate of books out there representing mothers at either end of the "mommy wars" spectrum i.e. full-time at home or high-powered execs, while the many who alternate between stints at home and work during their careers, who work part-time or for whom money is an issue are overlooked.

[Tearfree]

Two points:

First, I want to defend Mommies who drink as the Mommies in question have a once-a-week happy hour get-together WITHOUT their kids. Also, the author, does not bitch about her kids and how boring they are or anything like that. Really, it's motherhood with a sense of humour not cooler than thou sentiment.

Secondly the cool Mummy thing really pisses me off as there have always been cool Mummies. See http://byekoolaidmoms.blogspot.com/2006/08/hip-cool-mamas.html

It's so myopic and egotistical to think that cool Mummies didn't exist before you and your generation. Yawn.

[Because I Said So]

Sorry to bore you Tearfree. I don't recall ever saying cool mommies didn't exist before this generation, because I don't believe that. And the fact that Mommies Who Drink is about a regular happy hour sans enfants isn't the point either. Plenty of mothers (including me) have regular beer and wings nights or whatever out with the girls. The point is the current media preoccupation with mommy boredom and coolness - as exhibited in provocative book titles and article headlines - is getting tiresome and is irrelevant to a lot of moms out there.

[Tearfree]

Oh, oh communications breakdown.

It's NOT you who bores me but rather "the current media preoccupation with mommy boredom and coolnes."

In fact, I'm totally grateful for your post and the links, some of which I found very interesting indeed.

Hope all's clear now.

[Because I Said So]

All clear. Thanks.

[Jen]

Oh my goodness, Andrea. You hit a nerve with this post. You know you aren't *really* a blogger until Darla Shine has attempted to take you on for something you didn't really say. So, congratulations!

[Chris]

Good post. I'm glad you are keeping these sorts of issues in the minds of the general public. And I really like your matter-of-fact tone, too.

I do have a tiny quibble though, I don't think 'Confessions of a Naughty Mommy' belongs in your list since I thought it was more about a woman trying to recover a lost part of herself (her libido) than it was about her trying to be cool or bad or anything like that. But that was just my take on it, YMMV.

[Nisha]

This was a great post. I enjoyed it immensely. I have bookmarked your blog for future browsing. I have great stuff on women issues at www.womenbrands.com. Kindly visit for refreshing content for your blog.

[Carol]

The article you linked, "Sorry, but my children bore me to death!", was actually published in the conservative paper the Daily Mail, not the liberal paper The Guardian. It was worthy reading for the glimpse into the mind of one of the most horrendously self-absorbed parents I've ever encountered. That she would say this in an article her children will eventually read makes me wonder what her life as a vulnerable old womean will be like. Never insult the people who may be choosing your nursing home.

[iou]

Great tutorial.

[alex]

Very good web site, great work and thank you for your service.+"

[Mamamiiia]

Your post was great and I share your thoughts. The same trends are going on here in French Quebec and I too worry about the polarization of the "mommy kinds" if I may say. Just like the "Mommy war", the "Bored mother" and the "Martini mother" sells well with the media and book editors here too.

Between "stay-at-home" moms and "career freaks" there are all the other moms in between who wonder about their choices to work or stay-at-home and realize that motherhood will always be a difficult task and yet one of the most rewarding challenge of all, wether they stay-at-home or keep working. One way or another, all mothers are always intimatly tied to the hudge responsability of raising human beings. Even if men are taking a more important part in this responsability, for most women, it still lies on their sole shoulders. But this doesn't sell...too boring.

The latest trend of the "Martini mother" was embodied in Quebec by "Les Chroniques d'une mère indigne". Originaly, it was the blog of a mother on her second maternity leave. It was so popular that they made a book out of it. It was funny and refreshing to read this mother sort of "ducking out" at times. When I read her posts, it comforted me to know that somewhere out there, another woman was willing to express my own envy of ducking out sometimes. I felt reassured that I did not have to beleive that I had to be perfect all the times. I did not read the books you are mentionning but I guess the authors are giving themselves the permission to duck out, to be imperfect and this is maybe why they are so popular.

Since I became a mother, I have been struck by the social pressure to be perfect. Even if you don't want to be part of it, it's there. I see those books as a reaction to this pressure to be perfect but also to the pressure of raising little human beings.

That said, the medias and book industry doesn't let much room for more "nuanced" tales. It's much more entertaining to tell the story of a "Martini mother" than the story of a balanced, not-so-perfect average mother who sometimes struggles but most of the times enjoys her life. They want extremes. The general public is not always fond of nuance.

But it doesn't just apply to motherhood : the industry likes polarized opinions in all areas because it sells. That's the bottom line.

Does that make any sense?

(ps : sorry if my English is funny...I'm French!)

[Zoe]

There is such a huge controversy over Happy Housewives, it's sick. So many of the comments out there talk about how the book is for the wealthy, which I think is just bizarre. Since when is there anything wrong with being wealthy? Anyhow, I realize that was not brought up here, but I just wanted to say that I think that the book is great, and every word of it makes total sense - and the people who disagree are clearly the people who don't live that way, who don't believe that you should look your best, take pride in your home, love your husband, and raise your own children. And it seems that the value in those people's opinions doesn't amount to a whole lot anyhow.

www.miniearls.com

[shy]

in regards to darla shine and followers posts...

the one paragraph where she mentiones happy housewive isn't exactly connected to the parts that she wrote above. if you actually understood the blog, it was a comparison of how two types of motherhood books are coming out. but what this author wrote was true, darla shine and followers TOTALLY contribute to the mommy wars in her online club/forum alone.

i've had a couple of girlfriends sign on thinking it was a great place to find out more about budgeting, organizing, recipe swap time scenerios... which it does. however, there is a huge consenses on the forums that IF you choose a career you should have any children.

if a mother puts a child into daycare because they want to have a career as well, then they are letting some one else raise their children rather then 'doing their job.'

these women believe in what they are doing which is great. but they also sit there judging women who choose not to be stay at home mothers, which i find is completely all about the mommy wars.

if parenting was so easy, we wouldn't be discussing it. there is no black and white answer. many parenting issues can fall into the grey area.

these women of darla shine's fan club need to snap out of their own whining, complaining and judging of others and just, perhaps, save that energy towards taking care of their children.

there's a saying at work. if you spend so much time watching what others are doing, you must not be spending enough time on your own work. it's true with parenting as well.

humans are made to be uniquely different in regards to our persoanlities. interpersonal relationships are equally as unique which includes the parent-child relationship. outside of abuse which there should be no tolerance for, pin-pointing a right-wrong answer of how to raise a child is a waste of time. what works for one child may not work for another. this includes even babies.

as for negative press of working moms... don't take it out on us working moms that do not want to fight. i mean, how old are you? how petty can you get? most of us (including myself) get dragged into this war even though we respect other women for choosing to stay at home.

if that was truly darla shine who posted that comment (2nd one - which i'm doubtful it is), well, you may not have contributed to the mommy-war yourself directly, but you are completely accoutable for creating the followers that ARE contributing to it almost every day.

[shy]

TO ZOE - most people who do not like happy housewives are those that do not like darla shine's attitude. and the fact that she is a horrible writer. it's not so much about whether they want to look good or be a good mother/wife... it's about the fact that they are mature enough not to feel that they have to do it in such a way that sounds more like a rant.

some people just don't like that sort of 'noise' and would rather read a book where it's helpful by staying objective and more neutral, thereby giving the reader the power to decide how they are going to use the book/guide to their own advantage.

darla shine writes for those that needs to be told what to do. a lot of strong women out there do not need to be told what to do - but have no qualms about reading up different ideas and educating themselves before making a decision on their own.