"Quality time" R.I.P.

The promo for Gymboree that arrived in my Inbox this week seemed like just another innocuous press release. But the marketing strategy caught my attention. The longstanding company is pitching their moms and tots play and music programs as an opportunity for "quality time."

And here I'd been thinking that inane phrase - dreamed up to appease folks riddled with guilt over quantity - had gone the way of those annoying Baby on Board signs.

Gymboree cites a recent University of Maryland study showing that today's moms spend more time focused on their children than mothers did 40 years ago - 14 hours a week versus only 10 hours for moms in 1965. The catch? According to those surveyed, not enough of it was "quality time."

"What's lacking is enough truly engaged time between kids and moms," says Gymboree. (The answer is, of course, to enrol in 12 classes for $200 right this minute, but that's beside the point.)

Is anyone else out there as tired as I am of these meaningless studies measuring parenting today versus 40 years ago (before it had become a verb). After all, it's kind of like comparing playtime in front of Halo to playtime involving Cowboys and Indians.

And what exactly are these 14 hours a week anyway? Does it include accompanying kids on playdates? Doing their homework for with them? Or generally hovering over them whilst they play at things we were kicked out of the house to do? Does it include shared screen time in front of Dancing with the Stars?

I was a 60s kid, and back then moms played a supporting role in childhood, inhabiting a separate adult world for much of the day, and not prone to overthinking the matter. But in the event I needed mine - nightmares, blood, bedtime stories - I got her 100 per cent. That was plenty good enough for most of us, who somehow managed to amuse ourselves and survive a world without tobogganning helmets or childproof caps on the Aspirin bottle.

Many of today's moms, as this story reveals, are determined to second-guess their way through motherhood. God forbid they clean the house or do laundry when they're kids are awake. And what's up with that mom who laments taking her kids on errands and for haircuts instead of playing with them in the snow. No wonder this generation is so damn tired.

In the interests of our health, let's ditch the "quality time" myth for once and for all. Let's just call it paying attention. And you don't have to make a big production of it. You can do it in the grocery store, or the car with the DVD player turned off or lying on the grass looking for cloud shapes. You can do it while teaching junior to dry the dishes or feed the cat.

More to the point, you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to attend moms and tots music lessons or Gymboree. And people marketing their programs, however fun and healthy they might be, shouldn't insult us by suggesting otherwise.

Comments

[Jen]

So ridiculous, and just another marketing ploy. Besides, I see Gymboree as a time when I can veg out and NOT pay attention because there is an instructor and a completely childproofed space. And given the amount of chit chat taking place among the moms, I'd say I'm not alone in that. I'd say Gymbo the clown is reaching with this approach...

[Liz Edwards]

I remember when my son was little, I thought I had lots of quality time, after all I was a stay at home mom. My quality time was snippets, between phone-calls, throwing in a load of laundry, cleaning and running errands. Then came Gymboree. My son had my undivided attention for 45 min. with me on the floor at his level and playing in his environment not mine. Thank heavens for Gymboree. It beat the other mommy and me program I was in at the time through a church, that turned out to be a gripe session. Gymboree was alway positive and fun.
Annie

[Carol]

I'm wondering if parents realize that allowing your child the benefit of helping out in the kitchen, sorting laundry, and cleaning the bathroom is actually "playing". Sure, it takes longer and things aren't perfect but you sure can cover a lot of "quality time." Also, it's amazing what a preteen boy will talk to you about while he's "busy" with you in the kitchen!

[Danny]

You're absolutely right - a place like Gymboree deserves your obvious enmity. How dare they build places that are safe for kids to play in, staffed with trained, friendly teachers, and convenient for parents to gather and make friends and best of all - enjoy an activity together without cell phones ringing, clothes to be washed, etc.

Of course we all long for a simpler time when kids ran free through the neighborhoods with little, if any parental supervision, playing, socializing, exploring, learning.

Too bad - the world has changed and this doesn't happen anymore. Get over it. Fewer and fewer neighbors even know each other. Parents/mothers get in their SUV's in the morning with their children strapped into their car seats and head on out for a day of errands and activities. the world is a more mobile place - both globally and locally - and relationships are more often determined by shared interests than by random home selection.

Parents are more likely to find a like-minded friend at a Gymboree class than with a neighbor with whom they may only share an accident of location.

You should attend a Gymboree class before posting about it. I loved it with all three of my kids. You might too.

[Pallavi]

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[susanne wichert]

As I am about to write an article for a small magazine regarding "quality time", I began wondering if I could figure out just when that phrase and the concept began to invade our definitions of good parenting. This somehow led me here. Thank you so very much. Your opinion is breath of fresh air among the lists of how to bring "quality time" into the life of your family and all that stuff. I agree that it is better that we have times that are mutually beneficial as family member, but am beginning to cringe at the narrow definitions that we use to define what is ok and what is not. Thanks for a nice article. susanne