Standing up to mean girls

Rose loves make-your-own pizzas and pink nail polish and inventing silly games at recess. She's beside herself with excitement over planning her sleepover birthday party. Until the two most popular girls in school announce they're not coming. At least not unless Rose uninvites her best friend Stacey.

If you have a little girl or have ever been one, prepare for pangs of recognition. This is the dicey realm of girl bullying - subtle, manipulative and hard for the grownups to detect. And it's brought to life in My Worst Best Sleepover Party, a new chapter book aimed at kids grade 2 and up and written by Toronto sisters Anna Morgan and Rachael Turkienicz.

It's a world where exclusion, ultimatums, bribery and jokes at someone else's expense are the weapons of choice. For the protagonist Rose, who's caught in the crossfire, the agony and guilt and confusion are all-consuming. Torn over what to do, she hides under her blankets, crying "I DON'T GET THIS!"

While bullying has become an increasingly frontline topic in the media and among parents, educators and others who work with kids, most of the literature and resources focus on either the victims or the perpetrators. Turkienicz and Morgan, drawing on their personal memories and experiences as mothers, wanted to address the gap.

"There didn't seem to be much for the kids who are caught in the middle who are the vast majority. And yet those are the ones with the most complex decisions to make," says Turkienicz, a professor in York University's Faculty of Education who has five kids.

As a discussion point for children, parents and teachers, My Worst Best Sleepover Party touches on all the key issues in a way that will keep kids (including boys) and grownups interested. There's the allure of the popular girls, who are so funny and crazy when they're not being mean. Rose's tortured attempts to guess what might be provoking them and fix it. The astonishing way that well-intentioned adults can make everything worse. And the cold, hard fact that while Rose is neither aggressor nor victim, her role as innocent bystander is in many ways the most difficult and important.

The 120-page paperback doesn't sugar-coat the issue. When Rose decides to do what she knows is right, things get worse before they get better. And there's no happily-ever-after ending where life goes back to exactly the way it was.

But what the authors manage to do is illuminate a pathway out of the situation that Rose can navigate - as long as she has the support of her mom and some of the friends and adults around her. Rose will probably be the hero to most readers. Her mom is mine.

And the sleepover? In Rose's words, it was the birthday party "where I only turned one year older but I felt like I really grew up." Even though it came with a tinge of sadness.

My Worst Best Sleepover Party ($7.95) will be available in major bookstores this month.

Special moms

Amy Baskin and Heather Fawcett have much in common. They are mothers and longtime friends. They each have two girls. And they each have a child with special needs. Baskin's 13-year-old has autism, and Fawcett's daughter, 16, has Asperger Syndrome, also a neurobiological condition.

Over the years, Baskin and Fawcett have been to more than their share of conferences and meetings about raising kids with special needs. But despite the plentiful resources to help them support their children, find caregivers and advocate for more services, they were struck by a void. There was never anything aimed at helping parents care for themselves amid the huge demands and stress of it all.

"We knew even looking at ourselves and a lot of our friends with kids with special needs that there were common problems that just weren't getting talked about," Baskin, 47, said this week from her home in Guelph.

So the two decided to take matters into their own hands. The result is a book called More than a Mom: Living a Full and Balanced Life When Your Child Has Special Needs, published last June and available in your local bookstore. The pair also hold workshops to help mothers learn to pace themselves in what is typically a lifelong caregiving role. Find out more at the More Than a Mom website.

Baskin says roughly one in five families has a child with special needs, which may be a physical disability, a chronic health issue, mental illness, a behavioural problem, ADHD or a neurological condition like autism. For parents, and moms in particular because they are most often the primary caregivers, this has huge implications - on employment, finances, physical health, social lives and stress levels. It puts pressure on marriages, siblings and friendships. Demands can be overwhelming. As Baskin puts it "there is always something more you should be doing." But at some point, you have to say enough, while you take some time for yourself. Because if mom falls apart, she's no good to anyone.

"It's issues all women struggle with, but for us it's magnified 100 times."

More than a Mom breaks down the challenges into bite-sized chunks. It includes strategies for everything from negotiating with your employer, to grabbing 10 minutes a day of cardio to keep your energy levels up, and managing sleep and healthy nutrition. It explores ways to nurture marriage, siblings, and extended family. And it includes strategies on finances, work/life balance and advocating for special needs kids.

Equally important, the writers, who interviewed 500 special needs moms from across Canada and the U.S., also celebrate the children themselves, and their power to transform and enrich their families' lives. As one mother put it:

My daughter has shaped me to be a humble human. I can see the beauty in little things that so many of us take for granted. I learned to listen and read body language. I learned patience, love, and good humour. I learned to really live."

But as Baskin and Fawcett note in their introduction, it's hard to appreciate the gifts when you're in the middle of it all, feeling exhausted, afraid and lonely. That's why they stress the importance of moms not losing sight of themselves, hard as that may be. Because in the end, it's balance - of all relationships, dreams, careers or other goals - that keeps you going for your children.

Raising Canadians - a quiz

It's easy to start instilling Canadiana in the children early. Right after you've heaved a grateful sigh of relief for the publicly-funded health care system that got you through the previous nine months.

So today, let's celebrate the abundance of Canadian-made songs, poetry and stories for babies, toddlers, preschoolers and early readers. In honour of the quiz mania that sweeps this great land every July 1, may I present my own. The topic: best kidstuff.

Can you name the titles and creators that go with some of my favourite snippets below? They are phrases taken from works that, to me, represent the best of the Canadian imagination.

Come back next week for a list of answers. Because if you haven't yet discovered these wonderful works, summer's the ideal time to do so. You won't find better books and music to snuggle up with.

In the meantime, post some lines from your own Canadian favourites using the comments link below.

Here we go:

1)  Lullaby lullaby
     Baby fuss and baby cry
     You'll be sleeping by and by
     Sleepy little baby

2)  He could count forwards and backwards. He could zip zippers and button buttons.

3)  I'm gonna shake, shake, shake my sillies out
     Wiggle my waggles away . . .

4)  Allosaurus, stegosaurus
     Brontosaurus too
     All went off to dinner at the
     Dinosaur zoo;

5)  "Hmmm," he said as his scissors went snip, snip, snip and his needle flew in and out and in and out, "There's just enough material here to make . . . "

6) I love you in the morning and in the afternoon
    I love you in the evening, underneath the moon

7)  And what if . . .
     EVERYTHING was purple
     I mean a WHOLE PURPLE WORLD
     And there was someone just like me
      I mean a purple sort of girl

8)  "I shall never forgive Gilbert Blythe," said Anne firmly. "And Mr. Phillips spelled my name without an e, too. The iron has entered into my soul Diana."

9)  Clang, clang, rattle-bing-bang
     Gonna make my noise all day

10) "I'm Uncle Roy's nephew and I want to go to sea." "Ahh," said the woman, nodding her head. "Come in my little sailor."

11) There were five children, counting the Pollywog, and their names all began with the letter P. Why that should be no one was quite sure but Father said it was done purposely so that it would be easier to divide up the silverware when they all got married.

12)  A mother held her new baby and
       very slowly rocked him back and forth,
       back and forth, back and forth.

13)  My Mom doesn't understand about red.

14) "Take some," said the midnight tow truck driver. "Take as much as you need. You can never get enough red licorice you know. It's good for you and it gives you big muscles."

15)  Old Mister Johnson had troubles of his own
      He had a yellow cat that wouldn't leave his home.

16)  He was two plus two plus two years old.

Your turn.

Happy Canada Day.

Hail the heroines

Half-Changed World has a great post today that I can't resist piggy-backing because it has to do with a couple of my favourite subjects - little boys and kids' books.

She's a mother of two sons and like me, has the odd pang for the girl she's never going to have. She occasionally covets girly dresses. I'm desperate to play Barbies. But that's not the only reason. As she puts it:

"This sounds silly, but I'm also getting a sinking feeling that my boys may not be willing to sit still for all the books that I've dreamed of reading to them."

A mama after my own heart. As a kid, my beloved companions included Heidi, Sara Crewe (A Little Princess), Pippi (Longstocking), Polly Pepper (The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew), Beezus and Ramona, Alice (in Wonderland), Harriet (the Spy), and Charlotte (of Charlotte's Web). I read the pages ragged. Still have most of those books, dog-eared and faded though they are. And I could hardly wait to start reading them aloud to my own children. My biggest fear was boys who wouldn't listen.

But they did. And I dare say, with enthusiasm. Maybe it was because they sensed my own excitement. Or because I started force-feeding them my heroines early on. Or maybe it was the warm lap or the snugly comforter that made them predisposed to give these girls a chance. But I think the main reason is they are just damn good stories that have endured over time. So good that once the little imaginations got swept up in the action, whether the protagonist was male or female didn't really matter. Sara is quirky and battles the odds, Pippi and Harriet have chutzpah, Beezus and Ramona are like real siblings and Alice is on one weird adventure.

Now those little boys are big boys, so they read whatever they want. But I still detect a feminine presence on the bedtables. Recent sightings have included The Lovely Bones, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Because of Winn-Dixie and Judy Moody, all starring females.

So don't give up, reading mamas. It doesn't all have to be about Harry Potter or Matt Christopher or pirates and rocketships. Mix it up. Cause those kidlit girls rock!

This book may drive me to yoga

I picked a bad week to read The Joys of Much Too Much, the breathless new book by Bonnie Fuller. She's the fashion and celebrity magazine editrix, the Canadian girl who made it in the big leagues of New York, mother of four, notorious boss and all round over-achiever who has taken it upon herself to tell us minions how we can have it all too. If we aim high and try our very hardest - like she did.

All I can say is that after 30 pages, I'd had much too much of Bonnie Fuller. Maybe it's deluded to think that someone running Glamour or Cosmo or Us Weekly would be in touch with the real world. But have you ever heard of a mother - never mind one with four kids and a full-time power job - who doesn't hallucinate about a few days of solitude? Not Bonnie though. She'd way rather have a life that's a blur, "not a bore."

"I'm not the kind of person who yearns to go to an ashram for a week," she writes. Whaaat?

No, she writes. "Few 'aha' moments come from sitting in a room gazing at your navel."

Bonnie's themes are pretty much a celebration of dancing as fast as you can. No smelling the flowers for this woman. Do five things in a minute, run from your demons, embrace denial and keep on going, through sickness and fear and setbacks. More, more more!

Help, help, help! is what I say. Perhaps it's because my house is covered in six inches of dust from those guys who are overhauling our collapsing kitchen. Or because I forgot the teacher interview. And I can't find that stack of overdue bills. And I have sadly neglected my poor blog for days upon days. And there are dentist appointments and meetings with bosses and homework to help with and bathrooms to clean. And what I wouldn't give for an hour of exercise. This savage state of mind is not good for me. Or for the people I live with either. I've just about had it with the perpetual pressure on mothers to go full tilt 24/7 just to feel we are good enough.

No Bonnie, right now your "jam-packed, maxed-out, full-to-the-very-top existence" is not my idea of inspiration. You're welcome to it. I'd rather just aim for some serenity. A chance to flop on a couch that doesn't expel a cloud of dust and do nothing with my kids. More idle stretches to look them in the eye and laugh at their silly jokes and let the details of the day dribble out naturally. More time to stare out the window and write bad poetry in my head and scratch the cat behind the ears.

The full life I'm aiming for isn't about never stopping. It's about stopping a lot more and feeling okay with that. It's about sitting still and digesting and reflecting and finding the meaning in the ordinary.

Among the jacket blurbs on The Joys of Much Too Much is one from fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi. "Bonnie's book is great," he writes. "She understands the importance of excess."

Good for her. But that doesn't mean the rest of us need to buy into it.

Tackling the tough stuff a page at a time

Terrorism, homelessness, mental illness. The world can be a confusing and frightening place for children. And a challenging one for parents trying to help them sort through it all.

Thank goodness for those folks with the talent and courage to tackle these subjects by way of imaginative rhymes, eloquent prose and colourful illustrations in picture books. Not long ago, we talked about children's books as a source of comfort, closeness, nostalgia and respite from the chaos.

But good stories are also a brilliant way to raise topics that can be daunting. It's so much easier to discuss the unsettling stuff with a child when they're curled up on your lap or nestled beside you, feeling secure enough to ask questions.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I met Tim Huff, a Toronto dad who has spent two decades working with street kids. Huff drew on his experiences to write and illustrate a book for kids 4 and up and their parents to help them talk about homelessness. He still needs a publisher.

If you're looking for books to introduce issues ranging from addiction to adoption to war, visit stores like Parentbooks or Another Story Bookshop (online or in person), two Toronto spots that have large selections for kids, parents and teachers. Here are a few by Canadians:

Edward the Crazy Man by Marie Day, 2002. The Toronto writer and artist tells an engaging story about schizophrenia, basing her main character on a homeless man she used to see wandering her downtown neighbourhood wearing green and orange garbage bags. She gets letters and drawings from kids all over the world who have fallen in love with Edward. The book is also being made into a play for children.

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health has published two books for kids. Wishes and Worries (2005) is aimed at kids ages 5 to 10 who have an alcoholic parent. Can I Catch It Like A Cold? (2002) is about a boy coping with his father's depression. He doesn't understand why his dad is home crying instead of coming to watch his soccer game.

Catch a Falling Star by Gayle Grass is set in eastern Ontario and features Iris the Dragon, who befriends a little boy and helps him understand and cope with his mental illness.

If you have a title to share, post it using the comments link below.

An adult respite from Seuss and Munsch

The name Ayelet Waldman brings a certain homonym to mind: insight and incite.  The former, because this American writer and mother of four has an authoritative voice on issues of love and maternity, even if you don't agree with her. The latter, because she is never afraid to incite fierce reactions either, whether the topic is abortion, her own bipolar disorder or how she loves her husband more than her kids. Wherever you find Waldman's musings - on salon.com, in the New York Times, or on her former blog Bad Mother - there are sure to be both raving cheerleaders and a large pool of venom close at hand.

Now Waldman's got a new novel out, Love and Other Impossible Pursuits, and the daggers are flying around the Internet. I just finished gobbling it up in two days. And I happen to think it's the perfect chick-lit/mom-lit title for a women's book club. It's also the kind of novel that's ideal to take into the bubble bath or to while away a February weekend under the comforter as the usual roars and mayhem of home life beckon from the distance.

The main character is Emilia Greenleaf, lawyer, New Yorker and stepmother, and the vehicle through which Waldman tackles the messy and unspoken sides of blended families, infant loss and infidelity. This is an author who isn't afraid to create flawed characters who are alternately infuriating and sympathetic.

But my favourite bits are a few things I haven't seen mentioned in the reviews. First, UrbanBaby.com has an amusing supporting role, as does Emilia's friend Mindy, who embraces the grief community "both virtual and actual" to cope with a series of miscarriages (hurray for the momosphere).

Second, in her razor-sharp observations of modern angst-ridden parenting among the affluent, Waldman has added a new category to the now tiresome cliches of Yummy Mummies, Supermom and Desperate Housewives. Enter "the smug mommies."

And if that doesn't make you giggle, not to worry. So much of this novel is set in Central Park in dismal gray winter, that at the very least, it might inspire you to bundle up, unfold the stroller and go for a long walk.

From infant hiccups to adolescent acne

I've never been a book reviewer and my medical background doesn't exceed grade 10 biology. But as a parent, I can tell you I really like the look of a new kids' health guide that just landed on my desk.

It's called Caring for Kids: The Complete Canadian Health Guide for Children and it's written by pediatricians at the Hospital for Sick Children.

My first impression: Move over Dr. Spock.

The 448-page book covers everything from what you need to know about newborns - the shape of their head, hiccups, thrush and SIDS - up to adolescent issues ranging from acne to bullying and anxiety. This trade paperback is easy to navigate, thanks to a detailed index and glossary and has diagrams and photos throughout. It begins with a section on important common symptoms parents should know about, like abdominal pain, fever, teething and coughs. The general sections that follow include "The Newborn," "Sleep Problems" and "Behaviour" while others deal with groups of conditions and disorders, such as heart and circulatory problems, rheumatological diseases and malignancies.

The introduction points out that most illnesses kids have to deal with are minor, though some sicknesses and injuries can be much more serious and permanently alter family life. But in either case, they still require care that is "thoughtful, compassionate and informed."

My way to test-drive the book was to search for every symptom and condition that I recall frantically trying to find information about over the years. Try as I might, I could not outsmart this volume. They were all there. Facial tics, tortion of the testicle, dental trauma, hand foot and mouth disease, growing pains, the debate over when to treat ear infections with antibiotics. I'll spare you further details, except to say I could have used this book starting about 16 years ago.

A couple of other reasons to be enthusiastic: it's Canadian; and because Sick Kids is a partner, the hospital receives a large portion of the royalties generated by sales.

Published by Key Porter Books and edited by Dr. Norman Saunders and Dr. Jeremy Friedman, Caring for Kids is available in bookstores for $39.95.

There's no time like story time

I seriously thought about calling this blog the "Paper Bag Parent." I also considered "Where the Wild Things Are." Because there's nothing like a great storybook to evoke the wonder and silliness and magic of childhood. Or to prompt flashbacks of all those cosy moments spent together under the comforter letting the little one turn the pages.

Turns out today is a good day to think such thoughts, because it's Family Literacy Day. An occasion to celebrate the dazzling array of children's books - including many Canadian ones - that we are blessed with in libraries and bookstores everywhere. And to curl up and read with the kids.

The occasion is making me more than a little wistful too, for all those bedtimes spent snuggled with my own kids when they were small, giggling over rhymes about pies made out of alligators and turtles stacked up to the sky, and delighting in illustrations of pigs jumping in ponds. The daytime tantrums averted, the earaches endured, the poison hours and car trips survived. All thanks to the power of a good book.

Yes, I had a mother who read to me. That's why I wanted to be one.

And why I'm sitting here staring at our battered copy of Margaret Wise Brown's Big Red Barn, frayed and ripped and held together with scotch tape, vowing it will never, ever be relegated to the recycle bin. It takes me back to a cherished place in time better than any photograph or home video ever could. Open the cover and all I can hear are four different baby squawks of delight about the pink pig "who was learning to squeal."

Neither will I soon forget the little-boy belly laughs as they listened to the antics of "the Pollywog," the demon baby in Pierre Berton's The Secret World of Og who escapes from his highchair like greased lightning and loots the jellybean cupboard.

Or the toddler chiming in with the line "are you my mudder?" at all the appropriate spots in P.D. Eastman's beloved tale of a baby bird searching for his mom.

And oh yeah, there was that road trip from Montreal when, from the front passenger seat, I held brawling at bay by reading all 139 pages of Mister Popper's Penguins aloud. Hard on the voice, but highly effective. At the first hint of sniping, I would halt mid-sentence. Silence would be instantly restored.

And the other time that mother and son shared cookies and milk under the bed, just like the marvelous cranky Melinda did with her mom in A Difficult Day. Worked like a charm.

Stellaluna the bat. Jimmy the Skunk. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Big Bear and Little Bear. Charlotte and Wilbur. They practically feel like members of our family. So do Mabel Murple and Franklin and Jillian Jiggs and Chrysanthemum. I miss them. I think I might go for a stroll along the bookshelves tonight. Do some visiting. Maybe ask my kids to come too.

What about you? Why not take a minute to share some of your most memorable reading moments. Or tell us about storybooks you've discovered, your household favourites. We'd love to hear from parents, as well as big kids and little kids too.