Attention first-time parents

Right from the second my water broke with the first baby and jolted me out of an afternoon nap, nothing unfolded the way the prenatal classes had suggested.

Not the contractions, which went from non-existent straight to three minutes apart. Not the transportation plan, as my spouse was out of range, holed up in a press box covering some CFL game. Not the arrival at the hospital - when the sight and sound of me, clad in ratty housecoat and doubled over with a towel wedged between my legs, sent the tour group of horrified expectant parents bolting from the delivery room.

And definitely not my bouncing baby who, upon arriving, decided the world was sufficiently interesting that he wasn't inclined to miss out on any of it by sleeping. At least not for more than 20 minutes at a time.

All of which is to say that however well-intentioned, the "Be Prepared" motto doesn't always work when you're pregnant. Because you just can't be.

That's why you may be interested in a new program for first-time couples to help them navigate this strangely exhilarating, exhausting, mind-boggling, emotional transition into parenthood and through the first two and a half years of raising baby.

It's called The Parenting Partnership and it's open for enrolment to anyone expecting a baby next month (December), and in May or July of 2007. Created by Invest in Kids, a national non-profit organization aimed at helping parents and children through the early years, it's available to parents in the GTA, Hamilton/Niagara and Ottawa-Carleton regions. All you need is an internet connection.

New parents are always busy, so lots of the coaching, discussions and Q and As are done in weekly online meetings, while monthly face-to-face sessions are also held at partnering centres in the community. Not only do new parents get direct advice and information, they also get to connect with others who have babies the same age.

"New parents tell us that while they were filled with happiness and excitement about the arrival of their first baby, they also felt concerned and insecure about their own parenting knowledge and skills," says Dr. Carol Crill Russell, senior research associate with Invest in Kids.

The program will provide information on everything from labour and delivery to finances, infant nutrition, establishing routines, child development and how a baby can alter a couple's relationship.

For more information, visit the website or call Invest in Kids at 1-877-583-5437 or 416-977-1222.

Way more to parenting than biology

Take a deep breath and clear your cluttered mind of the parenting prattle. Empty it for a moment of all the experts telling you how to get your kid to sleep through the night and eat vegetables and use the toilet and learn to spell. Stand back from those shelves full of books on secure attachment and self-esteem.

Okay now, let's cut to the chase. What are two of the best things that all this info overload is really telling us we need to give our kids, after food, shelter and affection? And I'm talking about big-picture things - the stuff that will shape their view of the world and how they feel about themselves.

How's this for a summary:

1) Parents who are happy, or at least relatively content; and

2) A model of a healthy loving relationship between adults.

From this foundation, it could be argued, everything else flows.

So it seems like a no-brainer that society should be doing everything in it's power to encourage and support those, no matter what form a family may take.

But we don't. In Ontario, it took a court case to finally grant lesbian couples the right to both be listed on their child's birth registration because both are not "biological parents." In his ruling last week, a Superior court justice gave the province 12 months to change the law, which he said discriminates against lesbian "co-mothers" on the basis of sex and infringes on their right to equality. Under previous rules, the non-biological "co-mother" could only be listed as a result of going through a formal and costly adoption.

If you want to understand why this is important, there's no better way that through the words of the children. The daughter of one of the four couples in the case testified: "I just want my family to be accepted and included, just like everybody else's family."

It's an important decision, given the same-sex baby boom explored in this story in last Saturday's Star and in the newspaper's special section on Pride Week, where gay and lesbian parents share their stories of changing diapers and rocking newborns. According to Rachel Epstein of the LGBT Parenting Network at the Family Service Association of Toronto, there are more than 900 people on the mailing list.

Earlier this month, over at Mombian, bloggers got together to celebrate LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) families. The result is a collection of posts you can find here that are worth checking out, including a thoughtful one from Crunchy Granola and a provocative essay at Peter's Cross Station.

When Mombian first declared June 1 as LGBT Families Day, she explained that part of the goal was to "collectively raise awareness of LGBT families, our diverse nature, and how current prejudices and laws negatively impact our lives and children."

"I aim to make people more comfortable interacting with LGBT families and discussing LGBT families with their own," she wrote.

I wonder when the day will come that when we talk about families, we won't feel obliged to specify "LGBT" or "traditional" or whatever else. We'll say just say families period. And what will matter most is that all parents and their relationships are supported and valued. Not just because everyone deserves that. But for the sake of the children.

Wielding the scissors doesn't quite cut it

So Brad cut the umbilical cord. Sweet. Now he officially joins the ranks of daddies everywhere who can pretend they actually did something useful in the delivery room.

Oh I know. How mean-spirited and strident can you be? But really, this cutting the cord thing is one weird badge of honour. I'm all for having the guys in on the birthing process, though at the other end of the bed if you please. But how is handing them the surgical scissors supposed to really make them feel part of things? Any more than handing them the bag of frozen peas makes us feel part of things when they're the ones subjected to the snipping.

Perhaps I'm just being resentful. The Dad, after all, couldn't bring himself to perform the role of designated cord-cutter. Not that I would have let him near me with a sharp object, even in my post-partum haze. The man can barely hammer a nail straight.

But still, you've got to wonder about four chances, four refusals. He's never been the queasy type. Doesn't shy away from the gallons of blood that tend to surge forth after one brother whacks the other over the head with a ministick. Has spent more time in the ER than Dr. John Carter, between the stitches and broken bones and poked eyes of his progeny.

Back in the day, he boasted such a cast-iron stomach that he barely flinched when our toddler was suddenly overcome with a fierce bout of stomach flu while perched in the backpack. The direct line of fire was the top of his father's head. I will spare you further details except to say I wasn't the one to clean anything up.

But somehow when that umbilicus was offered up, well, the man just couldn't cut it. You know, those hours of labour had been so exhausting for the poor fellow. Hardly surprising that he had to take a little nap just as Baby Number Four was preparing himself to arrive on the scene.

All those ice chips to fetch, all that heavy breathing. Not to mention those feelings of rejection when, during the thick of things, he was inevitably ditched in favour of the midwife, or the nurse or let's face it, whatever other female came within a 10-mile radius.

No wonder he was bawling his eyes out each time the great adventure drew to a close. Harder than the newborns, I might add. Come to think of it, maybe that's why he didn't cut the cord - obscured vision. Which, in the end, meant more than any performance with the scissors anyway.

Investing in a new link

So it's Day Three of March Break. If there's play dough stomped into your rug, finger paint on the walls and storybooks piled up beside the couch, pat yourself on the back. It may be a mess, but you're doing something right.

And if that's not enough inspiration to get you through the rest of the week, check out Invest in Kids. This national charitable organization is aimed at helping parents navigate those all-important first five years of their children's lives. It has lots of ideas for activities you can do with your tots - from muffin recipes to body tracing and action songs. Not only that, through its "Comfort, Play & Teach" approach, it explains why getting out the crayons with your 3-year-old, reading a story or attaching a cape to their shoulders is important for their emotional, intellectual and physical development.

Invest in Kids started in 1993 around the time that research into the developing brain and the importance of the early years started to take off. Its aim: to help parents, caregivers and professionals understand the new information and apply it to raise healthier, happier kids. The website notes that nearly one in three Canadian children under 6 has a social, emotional or learning problem, and many can be addressed through positive and involved parenting.

Until recently, Invest in Kids has operated largely under the radar. But moms and dads need all the support they can get these days, especially with organizations like the Parents Help Line folding due to lack of funding. So this spring Invest in Kids is out in the community, currently on a cross-Canada tour with Kids' CBC called the Get Set For Life Tour. The 50-minute stage show for the under-6 set, which features Kids' CBC host Patty and characters from their programs, has been sold out for its performance in Markham tomorrow. But it arrives in St. John's next week and travels around the country through early May. Tickets are roughly $5. For more info on the tour, look here.

In the meantime, I'm adding Invest in Kids to my list of links for parents. Visit the site for oodles of information on everything from pregnancy to injury prevention to surviving car trips with the kids or issues surrounding divorce and blended families.

Last call on the new parents' survival kit

Well, there's certainly no shortage of opinion on baby gear. Back in January, I gave you my top picks for the newborn shopping list and asked for your ideas. Here's some of what you said:

1) I shouldn't have dissed nursing pillows. It was on my list of items you can live without. But nursing moms who swear by them - and these women have strong feelings on the matter - pointed out they offer more support than a regular pillow off the bed, they don't slip and can be used later as a backrest or for baby to cuddle up with. If you're large-breasted or suffer from carpal tunnel, I gather they're a godsend.

2) An infant carrier should be at the top of any new parent's beg, borrow or buy list. You get the beauty of constant body contact and the bonus of free hands. Slings are huge, and so are the Baby Bjorn and the Baby Trekker.

3) I'm not the only one who managed to get by without a diaper bag or a change table. Both are overrated, at least according to some of us.

4) If you think matters of the Middle East are divisive, try raising the issue of wipe warmers. Clearly, these are a hot-button product. You either revel in these kinds of gadgets or recoil loudly in horror. Unless you're like me and will now have to go off and Google the damn things to find out what they are and why they exist. As one mom explained it: How would you feel if someone wiped your bum with a cold cloth at 3 a.m. in February? Not great. But I'll stick to recommending my old-fashioned methods. An old facecloth rinsed in nice warm water. It's really not that difficult.

Now, here's your chance for the last word.

We're compiling a list of recommendations for expectant parents on what they need.

Should they invest in those infant towels with hoods? What about a baby bathtub? How much do you really have to spend for a decent stroller? Are breast pumps all the same?

Use the comments link below to post your picks of best things to buy and best things to avoid. Overwhelmed shoppers will thank you.

New parents' survival kit

I totally do not know how I got through eight straight years of changing little boys' bottoms without benefit of this particular innovation that recently showed up on Blogging Baby.

It's called the "Wee Block" and, when changing little Joshua, you are supposed to place it over the danger zone and "block" the chances that you will resemble someone at the wrong end of a squirt gun by the time it's all over.

Could someone please tell me who invents these things? I mean, do they really think that anyone who has endured the indignities of childbirth and its accompanying cascade of bodily fluids can't survive a harmless little shot of it from their baby?

Then there's this new product aimed at people so shockingly sleep-deprived that they can't figure out it's possible to stuff a couple of diapers and wipes into a Loblaws bag without being summoned by child protection authorities.

The latest hip gear? An iBaby stroller so you can walk your offspring and simultaneously tune them out by plugging in your headphones. The list goes on.

Expectant mothers and fathers, you are in need of serious help. There are a gazillion zealous retailers out there trying to pry open your wallet and separate you from all those hard-earned dollars that should be going into the college fund.

Every time you turn around another ridiculous product pops up that you simply do not need.

But fear not, we are here to help with our very own New Parents' Survival Kit. So please, all you folks out there who have gone through this already, send your suggestions now.

What would you put on the "must-have" list for baby's first year?

And don't stop there. What are the most overrated items that should go straight to the regifting bin?

Here are some of my top picks for the shopping list:

1) A rocking chair: This needs no explanation. Except to point out that, unlike many things at the baby store, you and your children will never outgrow it.

2) Lullaby Berceuse: This CD by Prairie singer Connie Kaldor will soothe the adults as much as the baby. It's Canadian, it's bilingual. And I still remember all the words. The most recent edition is in book stores accompanied by a lovely picture book and sells for about $20.

3) An infant carrier: The dad in our house loved the Snugli so much I could only get a turn when he was in the bathtub, or sleeping, or when I wrestled him to the ground. With Baby No. 4 I got hooked on the sling borrowed from a friend and wore it round the clock (though I don't know how the wee tot ever made it through the dinner hour without a dollop of spaghetti sauce landing on his head). Yes, I know, these days it's all about Baby Bjorn. Whatever.

4) Vaseline: It's no-nonsense. It works. It doesn't cost much, and it's all you need. How can you argue with this one? Buy a big tub at the drug store, slather it on with every fresh diaper and away you go.

5) A hand-knit baby blanket: If you are very lucky, someone in your circle knows how to knit and you can drop loud and repeated hints for one of these made specially for your little bundle. I am blessed with a talented mother-in-law, whose hand-knit babywear is enough to make anyone drool (and I mean the adults). Each of my newborns got one with a different pattern and spent their early months swaddled in it. (They all still have their blankets too, but I think I'm not allowed to tell you that.)

Here are some things you can live without:

1) A change table: As someone whose abode is best described as space-challenged, I promise you, you don't really have to buy one of these. A thick change pad on a dresser does just fine. Or the floor. Or the bed. But remember, I said A THICK CHANGE PAD. There's this rule of thumb that bad things happen when you think that, just this once, you can go without. And it's ugly.

2) A diaper bag: I have a bias here. Four babies, zero diaper bags. Yes, I know they are a fashion statement but these are just dumb. Use your knapsack.

3) Books that sing or talk or make any sounds whatsoever: Sorry. On behalf of purists everywhere: Books are for reading, out loud or to yourself. A microchip that buzzes or rings or says "moo" should not be part of the attraction. Plus they are annoying. So don't confuse the kid. As for pop-up books, well at least they're quiet, but the prose does not hold up once the flaps get ripped off and chewed up, which in my house was usually within about 10 days.

4) A nursing pillow: Okay, I admit it. I don't actually know what this is. But in the olden days, we all used plain ordinary pillows off the bed and as far as I can tell, no one was much worse for wear.

5) Scented baby lotions or body wash: Go ahead if you think you really need to invest in products that leave your baby smelling like an herb garden. Just remember this: babies don't stink very often and when they do, you need to do something about it. Besides, there's nothing better in the world than inhaling the scent of a newborn's head. So why would you want to mess with that?

Okay, your turn.